As The World Turns

Maddie's Official Blog

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Winter Break

Classes at Oakdale U started again this week, on Tuesday. Blah. Didn't feel like going back. It's like my month off was a dream I had while tucked into bed all warm under my covers and the room was a little cool and I was comfortable. But the alarm started going off and I realized it was now mid-January and it was time to finally get out of the cocoon, throw on some snow boots and get to class...

Had a good break, all in all. Met up with some friends from high school I hadn't seen in a while (not even at Thanksgiving!) Watched plenty of old movies. Caught some new ones, too. Definitely saw more than I'd like to admit of the Twilight Zone marathon on New Year's Eve...

Ah, New Year's Eve. About that.

I don't love New Year's Eve. I used to like it because it was exciting and I got to stay up late, but that was when I was a kid. I'm with you on the self-improvement mentality, but my argument always goes: Every day starts a new year, so why only decide to improve yourself that once? And in the dead of winter, no less, when our bodies tell ourselves to stay inside and eat more? Speaking of, now is about the time so many of those resolutions start falling apart entirely. So, for those who've fallen off, jump on again if you'd like but just know that you're not alone as far as any of that goes!

I hope I don't sound bitter about New Year's Eve. I'm not! Really. I just don't understand why New Year's Eve is suddenly everyone else's idea of the second-most romantic day of the year (only to Valentine's Day, naturally, another animal for another entry). It's always about who you're going to kiss at midnight. I've seen enough movies to know how important that's supposed to be.

But this isn't a blog about movies, it's about real-life relationships. And as romantic as New Year's Eve can be, realistically, it's also just another night. You could argue that it's a lot of lights and a lot of sound, and some fury, all signifying a whole lot of nothing. (Taking a course in Shakespeare this semester!)

For all the advice I have from my experience being in relationships, I can also speak from other side of the coin, about being single. I know how complicated the feelings can be, how lonesome at times. How single is one thing before ever being in a relationship, and something else entirely after having been in one.

The silver lining to being single is being free, accountable only to yourself. Spending a little more time alone and, even better, realizing you like the person you are, perhaps stripped away of some of the bad habits picked up while also being one half of two, can certainly be a good thing. Maybe in the end, that's also the stuff to bring to another relationship, in its own time.

That's why New Year's Eve rubs me the wrong way. I think it makes romance an obligation while looking down at the alternative. But romance, in the end, should always something that is free and easy, and not forced. Commitment deepens the relationship - while adding a level of stress, sure - but commitment without romance is hardly a romantic relationship at all - and romance without commitment is something else altogether!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Exes and Oh's

Here's a question I know you all ask yourselves: Is it possible after a break-up to stay friends with your ex? But maybe the more important question is why would you want to? What are you trying to prove? Say you agree to something innocent, like lunch. And then the check comes. Do you offer to pay? Say you split it?

There are endless scenarios because unfortunately not all exes are alike. Some exes dumped you, or strung you along, and others simply weren't the right match or the timing was off. Some exes you only dated briefly and others took you home for the holidays. Regardless, sometimes it's the ones who wind up even cheating on you who become your closest friends. So is it possible? From my experience - Yes. But is it a good idea? Since it'd be impossible for me to prescribe a specific answer that would suit every situation, let's just say - it depends. In the end, what we have to examine isn't your exes faults (because there are always extenuating circumstances)… we have to examine why you want to see them after the romance ended.

Assuming you do want to see them, ask yourself what your best case, and worst case scenario is for when you do. Be honest and specific. Write it down if you have to. It's easy to tell yourself that you'd simply like to reconnect with them so that you can erase any awkwardness, keep things cordial, and retain, on a friendship level, the parts you admired and liked about them to begin with. This is a very reasonable sounding attitude but it doesn't leave room for realistic alternatives and it potentially masks secret hopes and dreams. In your best, best case scenario, do you also sort of hope that he or she will see how well you've been doing without them. do you wish they'll be reminded about how cute and loveable you are? If they broke your heart, do you harbor the secret desire for them to regret their decision to end things with you? Let's face it, when someone stops dating us, even if we know they aren't the right ones for us, our ego is bruised: we've lost the compliment of their affections and that hurts because it's always more desirable to be desired. It's completely natural to feel that way, so relax and acknowledge those feelings. But are they stronger than you thought? Keep in mind, you could be the one disappointed if you don't keep your expectations realistic - i.e. low. It could be harder than you thought to see them, or they might cancel on you 5 times, or not even want to be friends. No matter what it won't be your dream scenario.

The only way to be friends with an ex, is to want to be friends, and nothing more, with them. Seeing them won't be productive or satisfying if it's about making them feel guilty or regretful. The older I get, the more I realize the really important and profound stuff is really simple and obvious. Ask yourself what you want to get out of seeing your ex. If it's as simple as wanting to be friends with them, since you like them as a person, and nothing more, then go for it. It was easiest for me to do that with Noah, because I knew he was gay and friends was all we'd ever have the potential to be. But it's been harder to be friends with Casey, because sometimes we've wanted more from each other.

If the hurt, bruised ego inside of you wants repair, ask yourself what will heal it. Do you really want to get back together with your ex just as they were - because let's face it, he or she hasn't magically changed all the things about them that made you two incompatible overnight - or do you want to be unrejected? There's a reason that word's not in the dictionary. You have to get over that rejection yourself if you want to move on with your life, and if you want to be friends with your ex. No one, not even the person who initially rejected you, can do that for you. Even getting your ex to fall back in love with you won't erase the past hurt.

Just because that relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean you won't be successful in the future, so stop holding onto it. You are a self sufficient, wonderful being and you can be friends with whomever you like as long as your motives are beneficial to yourself. Figuring that out can be tricky, but just try to be honest with yourself and give it a whirl. Mistakes are how we learn. Exes are just a part of the process.

Oh and when the check comes, pay it yourself. You don't depend on anyone but yourself.

Friday, January 8, 2010

A Little More on Casey

As you keep reading this blog, you'll be sure to find more and more space filled with reflections, suggestions and frustrations inspired directly by the guy named Casey.

He won't mind me writing about him - I'm sure he'll love the attention. But also, I'll be fair and honest about what's gone on - that way these thoughts will be more useful for you, and for me.

My relationship with Casey proceeded oddly from the outset: first we started living together, hating each other. Then we started going out and liking each other. Usually it's the other way around.

See, when I first came to Oakdale a few years ago, I was staying with my brother, Henry and his wife, Katie. Well, they were going through a seriously rough patch and Katie didn't really want me around - no worries - so she asked her sister Margo if I could stay with her family, including Casey. Margo said I could, so I did.

Casey was 100% not a fan of the situation when he found out what his mom had promised his aunt. (Side note: If two things can delineate a trend, I'll take the leap and suggest that Casey is overwhelmingly protective of his home. A private lone wolf, a spoiled man-child -- either way, he didn't care for my presence, as sure as he turned his back on his own brother when Adam came back to town… though that in itself is a sticky situation probably better left unrevisited.) He found me annoying, and I didn't think he hung the moon, either.

But, the impossible happened - we fell in love. And it's funny how that turns out sometimes, when two people who can't stand each other find themselves to be perfect for each other, if only temporarily.

With Casey and me, it was almost the opposite of what happened with me and Noah. Remember, Noah and I hit it off immediately on several cylinders, but it ended up not working out between us. Casey and I fought and fought, but eventually we got together made the most out of our time together (before he went to jail for months and months and wanted to pretend I didn't exist - more on that some other time, maybe).

Now, why do compatible people sometimes fight so much at first? It's my blog, so I'll take a whack at the question: I think it's because they see a lot of each other in each other. It's a fundamental similarity in character that goes well beyond a shared taste in movies (which, to be fair, is not insignificant in itself). My not-overly-clever hypothesis: Casey and I wanted each other from the very beginning, but felt vulnerable enough having these deep-rooted feelings to want to push the other person away, protecting oneself against even the possibility of what would be a most painful rejection.

If there's a conclusion to be drawn here today, it'd be that first impressions might not be as lasting or as important as you'd think. They could end up being wrong for a variety of reasons, with a variety of results. What begins well can soon go poorly, and what begins poorly can soon go well. And even then, it might end up as poorly as it began!

No matter. Keep going.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Easy Does it - Or Does It?

More and more often now, I wonder what it'd be like for arranged marriage to be popular in America. What a relief it would be to skip all the worrying that goes into finding a mate. There are so many aspects to consider when selecting a partner - are they smart, cute, self-confident, and have a great sense of humor?

There are no perfect people, so once we find a good enough package we have to be willing to allow certain character flaws. This is only fair, because if you plan on teaming up with someone, then they'll have to endure your own hang-ups, too. Compromise is essential to relationships, and as I've mentioned before, it's important to learn what you really need from your true love and what you're willing to put up with. But where do we draw the line? When someone is charming, attractive, kind, shares the same interests as you, and is an impeccable dresser, who are you to look for something better? Well, how about when they're gay?

Marriages of convenience work for some people, especially when one party or the other is in denial about the state of things, but think: Do you really want your relationship to be "convenient" - a match made not in heaven, but firmly here on earth - or based on passion? I've had a little experience with both of these types of relationships and both have their upsides and their… challenges.

Noah attracted me because he was so perfect for me, on paper. We worked together, had fun together, and could quote the same old movies by heart. But then he started to acknowledge his feelings for our friend Luke, and our relationship became something for Noah to define himself through instead of a dynamic partnership. Noah never intended to be selfish by leading me on; he did not want to admit to himself or his conservative father that his romantic interests weren't traditional. So we continued dating and almost moved in together. Through it all Noah was a total gentleman and a proper boyfriend in every way, except the most important way - he wasn't in love with me and he never would be. In the end, Noah and I could have gone on dating in a comfortable but unfulfilling relationship, but we both had to face a scary truth - that we would never be truly happy unless we went after what we really wanted, even if it meant failing or being rejected by a loved one.

Let me just say that passion without convenience has its own pitfalls; it burns too bright and fast. Casey and I fell in love, but our lives led us down different paths. Even when I tried my hardest to rekindle our love for each other this past year, the flame was gone. If your lives are too different and you don't agree on basic practicalities, then you'll struggle to sustain your relationship - no matter how much effort or love you put into it.

There's a balance to be met in relationships, they can't be based solely on stable convenience or unstable passion. I never said it was going to be easy, dear reader, but just because it's hard doesn't mean it's wrong.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Unhealthy Addictions

I don't mean to be too facetious when it comes to relationships. I encourage confidence partly because I also know what it's like to feel rejected, to let others' feelings hurt me more than they should.

It's been said that in the end we're all alone... but sometimes we're left alone while still living, breathing, and feeling - sometimes we're dumped. Despite my obvious charms, I too have been broken up with. One long-term boyfriend, Casey, dumped me from jail. A short-term boyfriend, Noah, left me when he acknowledged he was gay. Obviously these guys were not my soul mates, but that didn't stop me from feeling rejected and wanting to get them back.

How difficult (impossible?) it is to involve ourselves with new people or commit to the ones we're with, if we're hung up on previous lovers. Logic and science can't totally heal our wounds, but they can help explain why we pine after the very people who reject us, even when we admit they're not "the one"... and there's comfort in knowing these feelings are human and rational - not just a personal weakness.

Reducing mankind's motivations and emotions to "bio-logic" explanations often offends in people who would rather consider themselves willed by an independent soul rather than conventional science. Whether one likes it or not, studies have shown that youthful attributes, such as rosy cheeks, lead men to be attracted to women, while on the flip side status and power play important roles. Yet what lies at the root of love, sexual interest aside, cannot merely be established through observing interactions, but instead by examining the activity of these feelings at their origin - in the brain.

To many, love appears like a form of a mental illness, with responses such as euphoria, intense obsession of thought and need for the desired individual, lack of sleep, manic energy, and loss of appetite. The loss of love can drive people to crazy acts of desperation and feelings of depression. These responses are also noted to be similar to drug users, gamblers, and, yes, even some computer game enthusiasts, who become dependent on the substance or hobby for the motivation and the reward.

In recent years, neuroscientists have produced images of brain activity during the many stages of romantic love. One part of the brain, the caudate nucleus, is extremely active during the early throes of passion as it relates to reward detection and expectation. Journalist Benedict Carey, noted, "one reason new love is so heart-stopping is the possibility, the ever-present fear, that the feeling may not be entirely requited, that the dream could suddenly end." Activation of the caudate nucleus decreased in couples as they move into long-term romantic relationships, but surprisingly it also showed increased activity in people who have recently been dumped, left heartbroken by their beloved. Carey said this "seems to suggest what the psychological literature, poetry and people have long noticed: that being dumped actually does heighten romantic love, a phenomenon I call frustration-attraction." Since the caudate nucleus focuses on reward detection and expectation it makes sense that during the early stages of love and right after being dumped, parallel times of doubt and hope, the portion of the brain that processes whether it will receive a reward would be working overtime.

So keep in mind dear reader, it makes total sense for you to get hung up on people who leave you, quite clinically speaking - it's just your brain trying to retrieve the reward of love back from the person you last received it from. So take a step back when the emotions overtake you. Try to start a mental diet. Don't indulge your addiction to the wrong person simply because it was habit you were used to. Acknowledge the natural feeling of loss and start refocusing on making those positive steps with new people. And keep your faith, since though "breaking up is hard to do," scientists have also proven that the brain retains the ability to fall in love, over and over again.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

THE M.A.D.D.I.E. PROCESS

On the heels of last Thursday's entry that shined a light on the newly single, I'd like to introduce all those it may concern to a straightforward little system. Call it an early Christmas present. It's a tool guys (or girls, but generally guys) might use at a bar or a party, or a supermarket (in those rare instances) to break through the reluctance and the self-loathing and to get all of you who are single and looking the chance to be dating again. I call it the M.A.D.D.I.E. process. The points might seem obvious but this is not to patronize you! Baby steps are what this is all about, baby.

Let's get started:

Make eye contact. It's a jungle out there, but even so eye contact is not something to fear. If you're looking across a crowded room and catch the eye of someone you like, hold that look. Smile. You're reeling each other in. Take a few more baby steps towards this person. Once you're talking, maintain the eye contact. Now's not the time for staring lovingly, though! That'll happen down the road if you also follow the next few steps. But let your new friend draw your attention. Be casual but not aloof. Guys, if to avoid distraction you have to stand between her and the big screen TV with your back to the game, so it goes.

Ask questions. It shows you're interested! Most people like to talk about themselves. If they do so uninvitedly, they run the serious risk of seeming self-indulgent and a braggart, and at worst, a bore. But if they're asked a question, now they're not talking just to be heard, but to start to draw more interest out of you, too. Keep it going. Seek out what you might have in common. Remember Mia Wallace - listen, don't just wait to talk!

Drinks, Making Sure Of. Confirm that your new friend is all set refreshment-wise, consistently. The drinks could be alcoholic or non, but if you're out socially and there are potables to be had, make sure he or she has them. It's what a gracious host would do at a party - you want your friend to feel taken care of! Looked after and not thirsty. Plus, if the drinks are liquorish, they ease the tension, too, of course - and if you're looking at this list with any intensity your confidence is probably suspect anyway, so a little liquid courage might do to help grease the wheels!

Don't worry! If your once-promising conversation hasn't gone well, go ahead and stop this process outright. Play it by ear, but if it's out of tune, bail. Pull the cord and divest yourself of this person's company, politely if possible. But if there's interest, a glimmer of mutual interest, don't panic now! Follow this through. If you don't ask for a number, you won't get one. If you do ask and are turned down, you won't get one. You haven't lost anything! It's a numbers game. Every person you talk to gives you practice in all the things you might think you're not good at. Every person that turns you down clears the path for the next person to… turn you down, and so on and so forth until you meet that someone with whom it gels. The light at the end of the tunnel!

Inquire about the phone number. Clearly. You can still dig in your heels, cut bait and not call after asking for it and getting it, but then it's on you. (Though the process has worked!) Otherwise, you'll do well to reinforce that you'll want to talk to this person again, if not see them. Facebook's a little indirect, but then I've been asked out over a MMORPG so it's a sliding scale. Oh, and when it does come time to ask...

Expect a yes. Confidence! (Maybe think of this as the MADDIE C. process.) Your new friend can always say no, and if you like him or her you'll be a little disappointed -- but until then, why suggest to yourself or to this person what he or she might not believe to be the case anyway? If you're declined, pull a positive out of this rejection. Don't sugarcoat the answer to yourself, just use it well and wisely. Successful people only cushion their rejection by being inspired to try another tack, or the same tack with someone else. Try and try again!

I hope you'll find this useful. Go forth, one step at a time, folks. No looking back! And remember: Think of M.A.D.D.I.E.

If you're MAD about single, And don't want to DIE alone. Cheers!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Maddie's Thanksgiving 2009

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving last week with family, friends, full bellies and full bottles of beer (if you're 21).

I also hope our college-age readers were able to navigate the occasionally awkward waters of the Thanksgiving break. It can be exhilarating to see your old high school friends and catch up on each other's lives. But if you're doing so at a big party or the mall or your local bar, you might very likely run into some ghosts from the past you'd rather not see until your 20th high school reunion, if ever.

Ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, splits amicable and hellacious: their lives go on just as yours do, even if you wish theirs wouldn't!

If you run into your ex, the one you dumped, tread lightly. Civil is the way to go, polite but not patronizing, wishing well without leading on.

If you run into your ex, the one who dumped you, congratulations! You've decided not to spend the whole weekend in your bedroom, huddled under a blanket. This is a huge step. When you see him or her there, with someone, tell yourself this: You can never be replaced. No one can take away the good times you had and the joy you felt, no matter how badly you were hurt in the end. And if you've been hurt, think of this silver lining: You're hurt because you've felt love. And when it's clear the one who left wasn't right for you in the end, know it may have been right at the time, time that wasn't wasted if you enjoyed it. Swallow your pride, live your life, and take that love and give it to someone who deserves it.

Another Thanksgiving break phenomenon is what's known as the "Turkey Drop." For the uninitiated, this occurs mostly among college freshmen: A couple from the same hometown go to different schools and try the long-distance thing. After a few months surrounded by an endless supply of prospects, one of the pair will decide to take a chance, play the odds and dump his or her significant other and reclaim his or her freedom. The Thanksgiving break might be the first chance to break up in person, so there you go: "Turkey Drop."

For those doing the dropping: Drop dead, too, while you're at it. We thought we knew you better than that.

For those that have been dropped: There's hope! You too are free now, free to find someone better, and kinder, whom you won't have already outgrown. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. Well, in college, the odds are even better: There are plenty of fish in the fishtank. Fish on!

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

In times of economic decline, people turn to vices. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and porn: these are recession proof. They are the bread and butter of some people's denial and hope. Yet another popular survivor is the romance novel … and why not? Nothing ties a bow on a gloomy outlook quite like the ultimate stamp of approval and acceptance - true love. What else is romantic love but the promise of safety, protection and validation? The future is always uncertain, but in the stories, when couples unite, marry, or ride off into the sunset together, we understand the insinuation that everything will be all right for them. So when we return home, we just want a hug: we want to know everything's going to be OK. No one wants to be alone: even misery loves company. Having a significant other ensures a happy ending… or at least, that's the fantasy.

That's where I, Maddie Coleman, come in, to guide you in your quest for a happy ending... but let the record show that I assert it's more important to have a happy life -a happy story- than just a happy ending. Now, I'm not saying that we all need a significant other to be happy, but I'm sure a lot of us, myself included, wouldn't mind partnering up to face the universe for this crazy thing called life. But we can't go off searching for just anyone simply because we don't want to be alone! You could lose yourself in another person, or a read a lovely fantasy to distract yourself from your perceived lonely reality... but never forget who romantic fantasies' comrades are - the vices - and you can tell a lot about a person by their friends. I'm here to help you find that more elusive beast - healthy, real romantic love.

And how, you may ask, shall we begin this journey to find "healthy romantic love"? By learning about ourselves! I may sound like a self-help book, but how else are we supposed to know what to look for in our perfect match if we don't even know who we are and what we need. Prince Charming might fit most people's generic mold of what they're looking for, but until we really establish who we are we'll never know if we actually desire to be with someone who is, say, really aggressive, or loves to be spontaneous, or prefers gardening to fantasy football. So if you're not in the throes of healthy romantic love, which I presume dear reader, you may not be since here you are listening to me - never fear. Love usually isn't all it's cracked up to be because we sacrifice too much, compromise our needs, and take what we can get. Stop clutching at those Disney dreams from childhood. We are no longer children. Love should never be sought after like a band-aid for an imperfect life. Love won't ride up on his trusty steed and take us galloping off into a permanent sunset. Life isn't static and neither is love, so if you're single or dating, you can always try to learn more about yourself and what love means to you so you and your relationships can grow. Finding the right person isn't the be all and end all, but love might just be the closest thing we have out there to finding meaning and happiness in our lives. So let's find someone who fits you instead of going straight for the pre-packaged Ken doll.

Fantasies are vices that allow us to escape and entertain alternatives to our present existence, but we can't escape forever. Remember: wherever you go, there you are. This seemingly unending recession need not be a romantic recession too! It's time to go home and get real with your self - ask yourself what you want. I can't do that part for you, but I'll be right beside you each step of the way.