Late Late Show

I'm a Fan 

Ford Flex Blog #8

Matt’s Blog/ Voicemail

Matt,

Sorry I missed all of your calls. Sounds like you have your hands full over there in LA. Things are pretty good over here. No complaints I guess. We were actually over there at the Loews grabbing some sealant for the deck. Tammy has me putting a fresh coat on everyday. She doesn’t want to take any chances on the weather getting to it. Yeahup it’s starting to look pretty good I think. I can’t thank you enough for coming over a few weeks back and helping us with the painting and the weed whacking. Tammy keeps commenting on how nice the yard looks. She’s got me planting a new garden. I gotta run over to my buddy Kyle’s house and grab the tiller. She’s right here actually, holding the little one and making dinner. Yeah looks like it’s another fajita/ taco night at the old Baetz house. Gonna just flip on the TV here and check out what TBS has in store for us tonight. If we’re lucky maybe we’ll get the Lord of the Rings trilogy, maybe the Die Hard series… who knows. Something good. Anyway, what else… work is going good I guess. School is finishing up just have a few more projects to get squared away and then you’ll be calling me doctor. I dig it man but there are definitely a few people I’d like to take out back at work and introduce them to the business end of my fist. Trying to tell me what I need to do and what I shouldn’t do, I’ll give them something to complain about. Anyway, I should probably get going but keep in touch man. I know it takes us a little while to get back at you but things are a little different now what with the toddler roaming the grounds. Tell uh your girlfriend I said hi. Are you still with her? What was her name? Trudi? Bridget? Samantha? Anyway man… I guess I should get going. Good luck with the job and remember to see a doctor and get it fixed.

Oh yeah this is Nick. And tell those punks at Ford to give you a *&%$#@* car this is getting ridiculous. Call me back…bye.



Ford Flex Blog/ Voicemail #7
9:20pm

Nick,

I am NEVER lost! Buz Baetz’ son can not be lost! It is an impossibility!

I’ve spent years standing next to dad at parties while he’s bored people with talk of maps and directions and the many bonuses of contributing to either a personal IRA or your companies 401k from an early age! IT’S FREE MONEY!!!!

The point is, I know where I am at all times. I am an award-winning production assistant. One who knows the roads and alleys of Los Angeles better than the most seasoned Hollywood street walker! I know these shortcuts like a dwarf knows the quick way through the Mines of Moria! I can navigate this city like Johnny U directing the final drive against the Giants in the ’58 championship game!

So I needed a few minutes to get my bearings! So what!? I’m only human.

But the FLEX isn’t human. It’s a robot. A really smart robot that knows where it is at all times. It made me look like a fool in front of the Scottish! It managed to make ME look like a fool in front of a bunch of Scottish rappers. No easy task!

We’re on our way to CBS now. The Flex keeps telling me where to turn and how to get there. It thinks it’s so smart with all its fancy car talk and robotic voice. It’s like hanging out with a really arrogant Transformer. Conceititron! Haha…I’m hilarious!

I have to say I find it curious that I’ve tried calling you seven times today and no one has answered. I know you’re screening these calls. Pick up, pick up, pick up. No? Fair enough. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.

Peace.



Ford Flex
Matt’s Voicemail # 6

8:13pm

Nick,

I want Ford to give me a car. That’s the bottom line. Look you and both know I spent the last two summers driving a bunch of delinquents around the U.S. and what have I gotten in return? The continued enjoyment and good will that accompanies being Craig’s assistant. Which is great don’t get me wrong. Every kid with a dream should have the same good fortune that I’ve had.

I’m really just not sure what else I can say. Take last year for example, they give us that Ford Escape to cruise around in, which is nice, it’s covered in Ford decals and promotion and then at the end of the summer they just took it back to the lot. What they should have done was given me the truck with all the decals and whathaveyou and I could have continued to drive it around and it would have just been continued free promotion. Not a bad idea, I know!

So here’s what I’m saying, in a few hours we’ll be back at CBS and I just don’t want to miss out on another opportunity to shamelessly request a free car/truck/golf cart from the fine folks at Ford.

Currently, I am behind the wheel of a gorgeous Ford Flex. I admire the craftsmanship and despite the fact that I’m not a soccer mom, I am quite certain I wouldn’t have any trouble finding ways to use the back seat as well as the way back seats. I would be happy to allow Ford to cover the entire car with all manner of crazy Ford stickers, decals, chicks in bikinis, Calvin and Hobbes parody stickers et al. Then they can simply hand me the keys and I will continue to promote the product on a daily basis.

This, to me, sounds like a win-win. I mean, how about doing their old buddy Matt a solid and sending me some free wheels for being such a loyal Ford foot soldier?

Gotta run…we just made a pit stop so the Scots could use the facilities and they appear to be signaling for me to start the engine…

Take er easy dude…I know you will.



Matt's Ford Blog/ Voicemail #5

6:50pm

Nick,

Dude it is currently 6:50 in the P.M. and I do not know what in the hell is going on.

Follow me here cause this is where the ride gets bumpy.

One minute the sun's out and we're riding down Centinela in the Flex, Angus was talking about the SYNC system, Philip was complaining about having to use the bathroom, Bubbles was being her usual congenial self and then Philip finds this button that says, "DO NOT TOUCH!" So obviously he touches it and all of a sudden we enter some kind of alternate universe.

Now I'm not saying I've been everywhere and I've done everything but the one thing I do know is that the big man upstairs doesn't just let people have time-traveling sessions on the house. When push comes to shove eventually you got to pay the piper and I know I've never been much for believing in any kind of an afterlife but if I die one day and things are run by giant ant people, well I'm just saying you heard it here first.

At one point we had traveled directly into an ant hill and as we broke free and flew away I believe their leader, an ant by the name of Chris, was with us in the Flex.

I don't know if that haggis was laced with something or what. Maybe the button was just a figment of our joint imaginations. I'm not sure how the Scottish roll but here in LA when you work a job like this one you become incredibly proficient at creating alternate realities in which to inhabit so that you can safely make it through the work day.

NOTE: I know I talk a lot of schmack about Bubbles but I really kind of like her.

We have to be at the studio in time for these guys to perform and I have no idea where we are, what time it really is or if we should expect another visit from the ant people but if and when they do return I will try to communicate with them and hopefully our species can coexist peacefully.

Talk to you soon.\



Ford Flex Voicemail #4

12:03pm

Nick,

I know I always say, “I love my car. I love the Hocus Focus. It’s the best car ever!” I remember when I bought that car. It was the Fall of 2001. I had just moved to Orlando and I was on the search for my very first brand new car. What can I say? I knew the minute I saw her. We seemed to just connect you know? We finished each others sentences. We spent hours just sitting in traffic together not even talking just being… ourselves.

But you and I both know I’ve never been completely happy.

Let’s face it, times change. That brand new car I had back in 2001 is now a worn down beater with 116,000 miles on it. Sometimes we drive to parties now and she just goes to a different corner and talks with the other cars. Our ability to communicate well has now been replaced by our ability to ignore each other.

They always say when a relationship ends or when someone cheats it’s merely a sign of greater problems. It’s no secret that I’ve been staring at other cars. Why just the other day as I was driving to work in the Hocus and I found myself in traffic behind a brand new 2008 Focus. Not to mention, right now, I find myself all cozy behind the wheel of this gorgeous piece of craftsmanship known as the Ford Flex. It’s hard not to stare man especially in LA.

The Ford Flex has this insane onboard audio system called SYNC that allows you to just talk outloud. Just outloud! Into the ether! And the car responds. You can plug in your MP3 player and say, “Play such and such or so and so” and boom like some angel in the airwaves it will play your music.

NOTE: Scottish people like Shatner.

Back to the point of this call. It pains me to say this but we’ve just grown apart. It’s no one’s fault. People change, cars change. I don’t want to point fingers. I mean, I’m not the only victim here. I ran that car into the ground. Several cross country road trips. I’ve let several girlfriends drive it. I rarely washed it. Would it have killed me to vacuum the interior occasionally? Check the oil? Change the air filter? Wash the windows?

The fact is when I get back to work it’s going to be hard to park this baby and begin the slow walk back to my Focus. I know she’ll be staring at me like, “Where have you been? You smell like new car.”

Talk to you later.



Blog Entry 3
Matt’s Voicemail #3

11:03am

Nick… When you get a chance could you hop online and Google something for me? I need a definition of the Scottish delicacy known as, “Haggis.”

If I were to weigh in with a guess as to what exactly it is, I would begin by saying that haggis is nothing if not disgusting.

I say that for no other reason then I am concerned for the well-being of my niece. You know, just in case you and the family are cruising around town some night feeling foxy, like you might skip the Brooklyn Pizza in exchange for something exotic and all of a sudden you see a shop that says,

"Open-Faced Haggis Sandwiches!"

My advice would be to go ahead and not stop there. The Highlanderz managed to sneak some through customs and I just had the pleasure of having Angus shove a handful down my throat. To be honest they tasted more like onion rings from a fast food place but then again what the hell do I know?

Currently I am sitting in the Flex watching Angus and the crew. They once again demanded I stop when they saw a high school football game. They seem to have stolen the ball and are now being chased by both teams, all of the referees and most of, what appears to be, the PTA.

Wow, say what you will about them but the Scottish are an agile people… They are really giving these people a headache… They seem to be running towards… yeah… yeah they are running towards the Flex. Oh no. I’m getting too old for this &%$%!

I gotta run… call you back soon!



Blog Entry 2
Matt’s Voicemail #2

10:14am

Nick…It’s Matt. Quick question… Do I look like a girl?

I mean, growing up did guys ever say, “Hey Nick who is that tall sexy drink of water I saw you riding with? Your sister is hot, would she go out with me?” Reason I ask, not to alarm you, is that twice so far since picking up The Highlanderz I have been mistaken for a woman. First Angus, the band’s lead singer, thought I was a, “hideous looking bald woman.” I believe that’s what he said. And then the girl in the band, Bubbles, gets in the Flex and also makes the honest mistake of calling me a, “&%$@&%$ gross bald &%$#&%# red-tootsie-pop-headed-looking &%$#.” Classy. I tried to take the high road and compliment her on her skirt but she apparently took offense and cold cocked me in the mouth. She totally wants me.

Anyway, I figured maybe you guys thought that I was a girl once or twice growing up? To be completely honest with you I think it’s kind of flattering. Candidly speaking, I gotta believe that being mistaken for a woman is just a nice way of saying that you’re aging gracefully. And as a man who is staring down the barrel at thirty, working as a production assistant, on a marginally amusing late night talk show I need all the advantages I can get.

Where are they? I swear. It was a bad idea doing this and an even worse idea to pull over at a gas station. They said they wanted to see the sights and then we passed a Shell and they totally lost it. You’d think we had just driven by Mount Rushmore or something.

Oh there they are… looks like Philip dared Angus to drink his weight in diesel fuel so now I’m just waiting to call 911 before we continue on to CBS. I can’t believe Craig actually wants to have these guys on the show. A Scottish Hip Hop group? I didn’t even know they had Hip Hop in Scotland. How in the hell do you incorporate bagpipes?

Oh here they come… I’ll call you again when I get a chance…



Blog Entry 1
Matt’s Voicemail #1

Nick It’s your brother, Matt. I need to let you know where I am going in case something happens to me you can properly distribute my worldly possessions.

I am currently heading to LAX in Craig’s new FORD FLEX to pick up this Scottish Hip-Hop group, The Highlanderz. I’m supposed to pick up three people, Craig’s cousins Angus and Philip (yes, THAT Philip) and their band mate, Bubbles.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Matt why do you let him talk you in to things like this? Why do you let him take advantage of you? Why do you cry during Rudy? Because all he ever wanted was to play football for the Irish and damn if the little guy didn’t do it! Plus Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau are highly underrated in the film.

Btw, this FORD FLEX is pretty sweet. It’s bigger than my apartment! It’s got a fridge and if I locate a hot plate then for get about it, I’m moving in. I better meet some shorties up in this piece or I might as well pack it in and join the cloth.

Seriously though I nearly died last summer traveling around with Philip so there’s a good chance this could be my last transmission. If so, here’s how I’d like my things to be divided. You can have my guitar and all my Grateful Dead, Phish, Panic, String Cheese, moe., Umphrey’s and Chris DeBurgh albums. Let Raquel have the cheese slicer and the rights to my lifetime supply of Triscuits. Give Brad a hug and tell him possessions are merely rentals, the afterlife is what matters. Give mom and dad my golf clubs and my Jade plant.

Oh…my phone is ringing, it’s Craig, gotta go…

Take er easy dude, I know you will.

Matt