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Wednesday, May 10, 1995

Top Ten Signs Something Is Very, Very Wrong At Pepperidge Farms
  
That old guy from the commercials? He licks all of the cookies before packaging them
Only thing they've produced in the last three months is a two-mile-long mint milano
The cookies actually smell like a farm
Whenever you open a bag of cookies you find an empty fifth of tequila
Openly admit it's not a "farm" but an armed compound full of sugar-crazed fanatics
The goldfish crackers taste like goldfish
Keebler Elves being held hostage in an abandoned silo at north end of farm
You turn on the Simpson trial and see the Pepperidge Farms guy testifying about DNA
Anatomically correct gingerbread men
Two words: hairy cookies
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