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Monday, April 10, 2000

Top Ten Articles In Oprah's New Magazine
  
"P, R, A And H. The Four Runner-Up Titles For This Magazine"
"Do What I Say Or I'll Make Another Movie"
"Funerals And Meetings With The Pope: Occasions Not To Use 'You Go, Girl'"
"While You're Reading This, I Made 50 Million Dollars"
"The Night I Nailed Deepak Chopra"
"The Million-Dollar Bill: A Convenience That's Long Overdue"
"My Love Affair With Oprah," By Oprah
"You Suckers Will Never Know What It's Like To Live In A Solid Gold Mansion"
"Ricki Lake's Home Phone Number And How She Hates 3 am Calls"
"The Time I Had To Wait 5 Minutes For A Skim Half-Decaf Latte"
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"How To Find A Man Who Loves You Just For Your Money"

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"Here's Some More New Age Crap You Morons Will Eat Up"

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"A Real Boring Sex Article That Got Rejected By 'Cosmo,' 'Glamour,' And 'Modern Woman'"

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"Tips On Re-Doing Your Castle"

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"Lovely Little Sculptures Stedman Made Out Of Paperclips"

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"Could An 'Unfortunate Accident' Be In Jerry Springer's Future?"

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"Next Month's Issue To Be Fatter, Then Thin Again The Month After That, Then Fat Again"

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"Talk-Show Hosts With Freakishly Large Heads And The Stedman Who Loves Her"

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"Why Watching 'Judge Judy' Will Make You Go Blind And Die"

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"Robert Stack, Willie Nelson And Other Celebrities I Prefer Not To Touch"

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"I'm Gonna Put Your White Ass Out of Business, Martha Stewart"

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"My Shopping List, Which You'll Be Interested In Because I'm Oprah!"

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"Five Romantic Songs To Binge Eat By"

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"A Second Grade Book Report By Oprah's Adorable Niece Who's Also A Genius"

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