Dave wants to get something off his chest. It's been bothering him all day. "Do you know what is the most unnecessary human behavior?" My mind raced as I tried to keep ahead of Dave but could not come up with anything I thought Dave would be thinking. Dave lets the question sit there for us to consider then supplies the answer. "Rubbernecking." I laugh a knowing laugh. Head Carpenter Harold Larkin and I have a daily discussion about the morning's drive in, followed by the night before drive home. We usually come to the same conclusion: we wish everybody would just get out of our way. I'm thinking of inviting Dave to our morning chat. Harold and I take the George Washington Bridge each morning. There are about 10 different ways you can approach the tolls. Our discussions usually sounds something like this: "How was it this morning?" followed by, "Which way did you go?" It's the same talk every morning and yet I never tire of it. In High School I played football and wrestled. In my 20s, I played softball. Now I try to beat the morning rush. It's my sport of choice today.

Dave has the satellite TV in his home. He gets the Arabic TV channel, Al Jazeera. Dave finds it fascinating. Knowing most of us in the States do not get the Al Jazeera, Dave taped something off the channel he found quite interesting. It's a commercial for the Arabic Emmys.
"It's the TV event of the year! The Arabic Emmys, rescheduled once again for November 4th! Watch the stars come out on Arabic TV's most glamorous night, hosted by 'Where's My Camel?" star Mahmoud Rahman! Scheduled to appear: Jennifer Aniston! The Arabic Emmys, only on Al Jazeera."

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE 2001 BASEBALL SEASON:
April 2: Bobby Valentine promises Mets fans his team will give no less than 35%.
May 31: Expos fire Manager Felipe Alou. Baseball fans are stunned to learn Montreal still has a team.
June 10: Las Vegas announces that it is trying to attract a baseball team.
June 11: Siegfried and Roy announce that they are trying to attract some baseball players.

For some reason, some in the audience laughed at the June 10th Las Vegas joke. June 10th was there merely as a setup for the June 11th Siegfried and Roy joke. It wasn't supposed to be funny.

July 9: It's hard to believe, but somehow on July 9th, Derek Jeter got even sexier.
July 12: Pete Rose hurts his cause by betting 50 grand that Commissioner Selig will reinstate him.
July 17: Yankees commemorate Old-Timer's Day by honoring Bronx Little Leaguer Danny Almonte.
July 22: An escaped ostrich signs autographs for an hour at the ballpark before a fan realizes it's not Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson.
August 14: Barry Bonds clobbers a reporter with a folding chair for suggesting he's short-tempered.
October 8: Mark McGwire #70 homerun ball, worth 3 million dollars in 1998, sells on E-bay for $22.50.
April 2: Bobby Valentine promises Mets fans his team will give no less than 35%.

Dave rereads the first joke again from the Baseball Highlights. After originally reading #1, he put it on the bottom of the pile. Of the jokes that followed, Dave threw some of those cards through the window, others back to the bottom of the deck. When #1 came back around, Dave did not realize it at first but soon did, reading it anyway with comedic results.

SENATOR JOHN McCAIN: (I lost my notes. I'll be doing this from memory - 5 hours after the show). From Arizona. True to his constituents, Senator John defends Arizona Diamondback pitcher Randy Johnson for the joke Dave told in the ACT 1. I like having John McCain on the show, especially during times like this. He always leaves me feeling better, more confident, and less afraid. It's the mark of a good leader. Right at the top of the segment, John asks Dave "Do you know what Osaka bin Ladder's going to be for Halloween?" Dave recognizes an obvious joke coming and grins back a "No, what?" John says, "Dead." Dave brings up something he remembers Senator John Micatin saying a day or two after the tragedy of the World Trade Center. The Senator said, "Whoever did this terrible deed, whoever is responsible, God may forgive them but the United States will not."

BRITTANY MURPHY: She is in the film Don't Say A Word, now in theaters, and in the Friday release of Riding In Cars with Boys. We spoofed Don't Say A Word the other day with Bruce Willis playing Brittany's role. Brittany was impressed with out mock but complained of Mr. Willis' hairy armpits. If he was supposed to be her, he should have trimmed the pits if he really wanted to capture her. The way Bruce looked in the clip, the hairy armpits would have been far down my list of complaints.
Watching Brittany, I kept being reminded of Dana Plato. Oddly enough at the same time, the more I looked at Dave, the more I was reminded of Conrad Bain.

MACY GRAY: From her new CD, The Id, Macy sang "Sexual Revolution."

And that was our show for Thursday October 18, 2001. WAHOO EXTRA

The Emmy Awards on CBS have been rescheduled for November 4th. It could fall on the same day as Game 7 of the World Series if the Series goes that long. Why would CBS schedule the Emmy Awards on that possible conflict? It was a gamble. They want the Emmys in November to get the ratings during the Sweeps period. But why not a week later on the 11th of November? Because CBS wants the Emmys at the beginning of the ratings period. This way they can heavily advertise their shows during the widely viewed program, hopefully resulting in higher ratings for their shows throughout the month.

The Emmys. I finally realize how aptly named they are. It's a celebration of M-E - Me.

I'm watching the Yankee/Mariner game right now. It's the 6th inning, Yankees leading 3-2. I'm getting a bad feeling about this game. Bernie Williams dropped an easy fly ball for a 2-base error and Paul O'Neil was picked off 1st. This is what other teams do in the playoffs against the Yankees. The Yankees don't play this way.

Paul & The Band Play For New York

Looking for something to do Saturday night? Paul Shaffer will be performing as the Musical Director for the special "Concert For New York City" at the Madison Square Garden from 7:00 to 12 midnight. It will be 5 straight hours of commercial-free entertainment on the VH-1. The CBS Orchestra will also be performing under the name "The Concert for New York City Orchestra." Other guests include Paul McCartney, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge, John Mellencamp, Eric Clapton, The Who, David Bowie, James Taylor, Mick Jagger, Bon Jovi, and Billy Joel. Did I mention it will be commercial-free? Heck, you can watch without the clicker in your hand.

Preview Friday's CBS Mailbag

FRIDAY'S CBS MAILBAG:
LETTER #1: From Heather Mroczkowski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
"Dear Dave, Can you show me how to carve a pumpkin?"
LETTER #2: From Michael D. Sink of Atlanta, Georgia.
"Dear Dave, I'm going to get engaged soon to my girlfriend. Give my some good ideas for a way to propose."
LETTER #3: From Mike R. of Denver, Colorado.
"Dear Dave, How big is space, Dude?"
LETTER #4: From Mike Morgenthal of Los Angeles, California.
"Dear Dave, Who's on the big show tonight?"