Where is Alan Kalter? With the tightened security throughout the New York metropolitan area, Alan - our announcer Alan Kalter ladies and gentlemen - was delayed for hours at a city inbound check point. The traffic was backed up for miles and miles and Alan had no way of getting in on time. Late Show friend Marv Albert was in studio taping something for a future piece so we lassoed him into doing the opening announce in Alan's stead. This was done minutes before the show. Marv did a fine job. I predict he has a future in this business.

After the opening announce, Dave invites Marv to sit in with Farrah during her appearance. Marv will act as a co-host for her segments.

Scurrying this way and that making sure Marv was set and typing up last second intros, I missed Dave's tale about tomatoes and new red potatoes. Apparently someone misidentified a red potato for a tomato.

DAVE PHONES STEPHANIE: Before Dave can get to Stephanie, he has to go through Art. It makes you think twice about calling Stephanie. Dave asks Art how was his weekend? Art says it wasn't so good. His cable went out and could only receive one channel. Worse yet, the one channel was CBS. Dave is passed through to Stephanie. Before Dave starts he says, "You're gonna have to turn down your radio." It's the most common phrase spoken by radio talk show hosts. The most common phrase spoken by radio callers is, "You're like a breath of fresh air." And the most common phrase spoken by radio program directors is, "The host is fun. He's irreverent."
Back to Stephanie. Dave wants to know, "Do people upstairs call you 'Monty'?" Stephanie angrily voices in the affirmative. It's revealed that other possible monikers for our Stephanie was "Birdie" and "Rocco." "Monty" went to the Central Park Zoo this weekend with Mary and she took some pictures, which Dave then took from her. The first photo is before leaving for the zoo. It's a city street scene with Julianne Moore in the background. Apparently, Julianne Moore is somebody. If I were in the TV business I would probably know who she was. The first thing that came to my mind was "Julienne Potatoes," brought on from Dave's discussion at the top of the show. Other photos included a woman dressed as the Skipper from Gilligan's Island, a white wolf, a deer mouse ("I want one of those for Christmas!" Monty pleaded), and a gas can. I missed most of the photos as I ran to the tape room to make sure we had a Marv's Blooper reel intro standing by. I had no idea if we would need this but with the last second happenings, I thought it wise to have it standing by. When I got down to the tape room, I noticed Randi, our Associate Director had already beaten me to it.
The final photo in the batch was a picture of a Monday morning gathering of a happy Laurie, a not so happy Coco, and Stephanie in the middle.

MARV ALBERT: Marv is sitting beside Dave to open the 2nd segment. Dave peppers Marv with questions about what's new in sports. Marv is a bit surprised at Dave's knowledge of the weekend's events, thinking the Hoosier native to be only keyed into basketball. Dave thanks Marv for sitting in for Alan and for doing a fine opening announce. Marv has just one thing to say: "Does Alan Kalter know the name 'Wally Pipp'?" I laughed at the reference as I explained it to those around me. Wally Pipp was a New York Yankee in the early 20's. One day he complained of a headache. The Yankee skipper sat him down and put in a young lad by the name of Lou Gehrig. Lou took over at first base for Wal and never gave it back. First base for the New York Yankees was Lou's for the rest of his career.

FARRAH FAWCETT: dressed in all black. She exploded to fame in the 70's playing the role of one of the Angels on the TV smash hit, Charlie's Angels. Her poster was on the bedroom wall of every male teen in America whose mother let him put the poster on his bedroom wall. The big "not-so-subliminal" message in the poster was the spelling of the word S-E-X in her famed mane. If you looked closely at the curls in Farrah's hair, you could definitely make out the word SEX. Surprisingly, if you look closely at my hair, you can also find a not-so-subliminal message. It spells out B-A-L-D. During the first Farrah segment, I got a call to go down to the tape room. I went to the tape room to find them putting together a quick Marv Albert Blooper reel consisting of three clips. Since I am familiar with the sports, I was asked to get the names of the players involved in the clips and pass them on to Marv during the commercial break so he could be familiar to what was coming. I was of little help. The first clip was of a Cleveland Cavalier making a basketball shot from past half court against the Milwaukee Bucks. The second clip was of a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds falling off the mound after a pitch, and the third clip was of a Boston Bruin getting checked through the glass behind the goal. During the next commercial break, I told Marv what I had. From those simple notes, Marv narrated the clip in the ACT 3. The result of my work is I missed the entire Farrah segments. I had to go home and watch from there.

TINA FEY: She's the head writer for Saturday Night Live and co-anchor of the very popular "Weekend Update." She used to work at Second City. The big difference between the two shows is at Second City they served alcohol to the audience. One night a woman in the audience at Second City got out of hand and said she wanted to leave. She was rather loud and disorderly. Tina took it upon herself to assist the inebriated woman off stage and to the back of the theater. Just as they got behind the scenery, the woman lost her balance and fell with a loud "thump." It sounded as if Tina bounced the poor woman out of the theater. Dave adds, "And that woman was Farrah Fawcett."
That reminds me of an old cop joke: "How many police officers does it take to throw a criminal down the steps?" Answer: "None. He fell."
Tina recently moved into a new apartment, moving out of her last place due to a rat problem. It's been estimated there are 30 million rats in New York City. Dave says, "Some have been known to program network television." Tina then tells a story about going on a cruise to Bermuda. I got busy typing something else during this but it reminded me of a story of when I went on a cruise. Denise (my wife) just gave up cigarettes so when it was time to request smoking or non-smoking for dinner, we asked for non-smoking. BORING! Our tablemates only drank water, were quiet, and only drank water. Two years later we went on another cruise. Neither of us smoked but we requested a smoking table. Our tablemates drank to excess, cussed, smoked, laughed, and loved to have fun. My suggestion: When going on a cruise, if you can stand the smoke, request a smoking table.
Tina was a good guest. Good stories, funny, quick. And she's just up the street! She should be back.

GARBAGE: From the CD, "Beautiful Garbage," they sang Adrogyny.

And that was our show for Monday October 8, 2001.

It's past midnight right now and I just watched the Dave and Farrah interview. It reminded me of George and Gracie. WAHOO EXTRA

DIAMOND DUST:
Did you see Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run the other night? Friday night, Barry Bonds hit his 71st home run of the year. He hit it against Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Chan Ho Park. I may be cynical and suspicious but Chan Ho Park served one up to Barry Bonds in the first inning that a Met outfielder could have hit for a home run. It was groove-city.

Chan Ho Park's pitch to Barry Bonds reminded me of a doctor handing a newborn to its mother.

Chan Ho Park's pitch to Barry Bonds reminded me of a waiter wheeling out the dessert cart.

Ricky Henderson finished the season with a career total of exactly 3,000 hits. I hope he doesn't retire. I don't want his name in the same sentence as the classy and honorable Roberto Clemente who tragically finished his career also with 3,000 hits.

FANTASY BASEBALL RESULTS: I ended up in 3rd place, two points ahead of 4th. What kept me ahead was Corey Koskie and Eddie Guardado of the Twins. Koskie got me 2 stolen bases on Sunday and Guardado picked up 3 saves since Thursday. I earn enough money for my 3rd place finish to play again next year.

Hope you stayed up last night. Monday on Craig: Jason Alexander and Jim Belushi.

From Friday's Wahoo, I asked,
"Any nurses out there? From these vitals, whom is in the best physical condition?
Person #1
Blood Pressure: 118/82, Pulse: 66, HGB: 15.7, Temp: 36.2C
Person #2
Blood Pressure: 102/54, Pulse: 82, HGB: 15.7, Temp: 37C
Person #3
Blood Pressure: 120/78 , Pulse: 62, HGB: 16.5, Temp: 36.2C"
I received a plethora of responses, more than I could ever print, so I'll mention only two. One nurse said Person #1 is the healthiest. Another nurse said Person #2. I'm happy to report that I am Person #1. Person #2 is Writers' Assistant Bob Borden. You can learn more about Bob at his website www.bobborden.com. It's All Bob All The Time --- but don't let that stop you. Sadly, Person #3 is Late Show online website producer Walter Kim. No one voted for him. I felt bad for Walter so this morning I gave him a cold compress and elevated his feet.

I was talking to a friend the other day, a member of the FDNY. For the past two weeks, half his day has consisted of being at work, the other half going to funerals. It's always the same. Very sad, very somber. A dad's fireman helmet given to a son. Many tears. Then they hurry to the next funeral for more of the same, but with new grief and new tears.

Four more missing from the World Trade Center were listed in the today's obituary column of my local paper.