QUEST TO GUEST: The Oprah Log: Day 19 - You would think Dave would have heard something by now, but still nothing. Poor Dave is beginning to think there is something wrong with him. How many more ways does Dave have to say it? He'll do anything to be on the Oprah: He'll weep, he'll tell stories, he'll reveal Hollywood secrets, he'll even bring his mom to be on the show. Oprah, are you listening?
Day 19: "Did not hear from Oprah."
Although crestfallen, Dave has not given up hope because it ain't Oprah till it's Oprah.

"I called up and asked him, 'Did we hear from Oprah?'
And he said 'Sorry, Dave, Noprah'
But it ain't Oprah till it's Oprah.
It ain't Springer till someone lands a zinger.
It ain't Ricki till there's some chick with a hicky.
It ain't Maury till that transexual love story.
No, it ain't Oprah till it's Oprah."

DAVE PHONES STEPHANIE Dave calls upstairs to talk to Stephanie, one of his assistants. Before we start, Dave asks if she would turn down her radio. I always like that ridiculous line, probably because I am a fine of the talk radio. If I weren't I wonder if I would find it as funny.
So what did Stephanie do this weekend? She went fencing and antique-ing. That's funny, when I do my 'fencing,' I usually do it at antique shops. Thank you. You're so kind. Thank you very much.
Stephanie has photos for us to enjoy. We open with a couple of this morning snapshots simply to finish the role.
1. Coco sipping her morning coffee.
2. We see Stephanie holding up a tiny pumpkin and comparing it to Mary's melon head.
3. There's Stephanie, her dad, and Mary pretending they are in "Fame."
4. We see Mary taunting Stephanie with a dirty rat clown doll. Stephanie is a scared of clowns.
5. Dad enjoying a day of antique-ing.
6. Stephanie trying to talk her dad into springing for $25 so she could try on the fancy fencing outfit. That's funny, because when I do my 'fencing,' I usually do it at antique shops. 7. There's a guy teaching Mary how to fence.
8. Stephanie with a perfect fencing stance. She appears to be in the "en garde" position. I suspect this was soon followed with a "parry" and then a "reposte."
9. Clams Casino! We see Stephanie at a supermarket holding up a box of Clams Casino. How to play "Clams Casino": Get your friends and drive to the nearest supermarket. Run inside and the first one to find and hold up a box of Clams Casino, wins! Hmmm, I wonder what we'll be doing Tuesday night?
10. Stephanie at Friendly's enjoying a Reese's Sundae.
11. Stephanie suffering a brain freeze.

Stephanie's a happening lady who is getting it done.

I never got a brain freeze.

Congratulations! It only took you 3 seconds to come up with the obvious joke for that.

TOP TEN: "Things I Will Miss About Being Mayor" and here to present tonight's Top Ten list is the honorable Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. The Mayor ends his term on January 1, 2002.
#8. If I want tickets to "The Producers," I just pick up the phone and four or five months later I have tickets to "The Producers."
#7. The look on people's faces when they realize the key to the city doesn't open a damn thing.
#1. The daily call from Letterman begging me to re-open strip clubs.

CLARENCE BLACK: The non-survivng Survivor. Some basic info on Clarence:
He's 24 and single.
He spent 21 days in Africa.
Hometown: Detroit, Michigan.
Occupation: High school basketball coach and bartender.
Formerly worked as a stock broker and a financial planner.
Enjoys basketball, baseball, and football.

We take the camera into Rupert's Hello Deli to say hello to Rupert. Dave says to Rupert, "The Mayor is really something, isn't he Rupert?" Rupert sighs a "yeah." Trying to warm up the soon-to-be new mayor Mike Bloomberg, Dave follows up with, "Did you vote for Bloomberg?" An honest Rupert says, "uhhh, no." Rupert introduces the 7th survivor to be voted out of Africa, Clarence Black. Dave wants to know how it was different being in Africa playing "Survivor" and being in Africa after being voted out? Clarence says before being voted out, he was hungry, thirsty, starving, and bored. After being voted out, it was drinking, surfing, and having lots of fun. I guess the secret to the game is if you're not going to win, get voted out early.
Paul has a question: "Did you form any alliances?" Clarence says he tried and admits to stealing food from the other survivors when they were gone. They never found out. Hmmm. Clarence got voted out. Maybe they did find out.
We see a clip of Clarence's audition tape. It is Clarence in a body-builder's pose. We then see last week's Survivor's audition clip of Lindsey. She's nekked and riding a bike. How I've managed never to see an episode of Survivor is beyond me.

KELLY RIPA: Dressed in all black. Dave thanks Kelly and her entire staff for coming on last week to perform a top ten list. Kelly says she had a lot of fun and the staff enjoyed it lots. Dave was impressed with how good-looking the staff was and how happy they all seemed. Dave explains that it is not uncommon to see groups of employees here at the Late Show sobbing throughout the day. Yes, but they are tears of joy. Tears of joy. They are tears of joy. Joy.

How did Kelly spend her Thanksgiving? She and her husband went to Willie and Gretchen Randolph's house. Dave excitedly asks, "Oh, Willie Randolph of the Yankees?" Yes, that's the one. Willie Randolph is a former all-star 2nd baseman for the Yankees and now their 3rd base coach. I would love to see Willie being offered another helping of stuffing and him waving for more, finally putting up the stop sign at serving #5. It would also be fun to see Willie flashing signs to Gretchen for more gravy. I've heard the wiping of his hand across his chest is the indicator. Touching the bill of the cap? Mashed Potatoes. Belt buckle? Yams. (These jokes are merely for my own entertainment. I hope you're enjoying as well.) Oh no! I forgot the sign for cranberries!

MORT SAHL: The legendary Mort Sahl. Mort was the first comedian to record a comedy album, the first comedian to win a Grammy, and the first comedian to be on the cover of Time magazine.
Mort says he was out hanging with Alexander Haig last week. Haig had just returned from Moscow. The place has really changed. Everyone's wearing Rolexes, driving Mercedes, drinking martinis - it was just like Beverly Hills except there were no Communists.
Mort read once in the New Yorker that Woody Allen said that Mort Sahl changed his life. Jump ahead many years when Woody is going through so much craziness with Mia Farrow and Soon Yi and everything. Mort sees Woody at a Premiere and wants to say but can't get close to him. Mort asks a bodyguard to give Woody this message: "Just go tell Woody that the guy who changed his life wants to see him." Woody responds, "Can you change it back?"
Mort will be appearing at Joe's Pub here in New York City Tuesday and Wednesday night.

And that was our show for Monday, November 26, 2001. WAHOO EXTRA

I'm sitting at the dinner table the other night and decide this would be a good time to teach my girls (6-year-old twins, Dominique and Danielle) about their prayers. I explain as simply as possible about God and how it is important to thank Him for everything we have. We do this by saying our prayers. And if you need something really bad, you can also pray to Him to ask for it. I then show them the sign of the Cross.
ME: "Okay, girls. This is how you start." (I begin making the sign of the Cross.) "In the name of the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spir . . ."
DOMINIQUE: "WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT 'THE DAUGHTER!'"

It's never easy.

I had planned on giving my thoughts and opinions of the ridiculousness of the Friday-after-Thanksgiving shoppers. Then I learned my mom, sister, and sister-in-law were out waiting for the mall doors to open at 7:00 AM Friday morning. Since they read the Wahoo Gazette, I think I'll just remain silent.

Oh! I almost forgot! Did you watch "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Saturday night? Well, which was it? Was it Herbie or Hermie? Let me know. This is the year I think I finally crack the case.