Following his opening remarks, Dave tells a story about his recent visit to the pharmacy. Also in the pharmacy was a customer who non-stop yakked about poison ivy. "Do you have anything for poison ivy?" he/she bellowed. "Do you have ointment for poison ivy?"

Note to you young 'uns: When telling a medicinal tale, try to fit in the word "ointment." Ointment is funny.

The Taliban recruited American John Walker into their midst. Apparently, the Taliban were quite brazen in their recruitment of U.S. citizens. We look at something Dave noticed just this morning down in Times Square. It's the Taliban Recruitment Center right in the heart of Manhattan.

Note to the parents of Johnnie Walker: Do you think the humorous moniker you saddled upon your son ever bothered him any? Ah, who cares though, right? Naming junior Johnnie Walker was always good for a few laughs around the Bar-Bee. Who can it hurt?

QUEST TO GUEST:
Oprah Log: Day 33 - Today's entry: "Will never hear from Oprah."
When Dave started his quest to guest 33 days ago he hoped his dream would soon come true. Dave saw his life as rudderless and without direction. Only by becoming a guest on Oprah could Dave propel his life to a life of purpose. Not only did Dave want to be a guest, he felt he needed to be a guest. Dave desired an audience with Oprah. All the big stars get to be on Oprah. Heck, earlier today Tom Cruise was on Oprah, so why not Dave? But 33 days later, Dave has all but given up hope. He reluctantly phones Art the receptionist to ask for the expected bad news. Art has to tell the big man that Oprah has not called. Dave tells himself, "I guess I'm just not good enough to be on Oprah." I don't know. Maybe it's true, Dave, but you'll always have Grodin.
And perhaps for the very last time, Paul sings his "It Ain't Oprah till it's Oprah" ballad. Suggestion for Tuesday's show: If it's truly over, have a fat lady sing "It Ain't Oprah till it's Oprah," since it's not over till the fat lady sings.

And why won't Oprah have Dave on the show? A suspicious Dave thinks he knows the answer: "The thing is I was her first husband." This is followed by a psychic sting from Paul. What was that all about? Dave says he saw that scene from "Sunset Boulevard" over the week and wanted to try it out tonight.

And now a peek behind the scenes at the Late Show: I phoned my wife Denise around 4:00PM Monday afternoon to see how the girls' day went at school. While conversing, Denise mentioned that Tom Cruise was on Oprah at that very moment. This reminded me that I wanted to check out the Oprah listings for the week to see who is on her guest list. I quickly added to the Oprah Log blue card, which already included the quote "The thing is I was her first husband," that Tom Cruise was a guest on Oprah earlier in the day. An hour and a half later on national TV, Dave mentions that Tom Cruise was a guest on Oprah earlier in the day. The Tom Cruise mention you heard last night on the show originated from my wife, Denise.

With the Oprah Log out of the way, Dave picks up the phone again to talk to his assistant, Stephanie. Stephanie now goes by the name, "Smitty." Dave usually has photos that Stephanie snapped over the weekend but today we had something different - a videotape. The other week when George Clooney was on the show, Stephanie let it be known she wanted to meet the title character of "Ocean's 11." (I'm currently starring in a movie called, "Mike's 4" but let's not get into that now) Stephanie likes the Clooney, thinking him charming, handsome, and funny. During a commercial break during Clooney's visit to the show, Dave set it up so Stephanie would come out to the desk to talk to Dave. After a brief tête-à-tête, Stephanie would storm off but be called back by Dave. Dave would then introduce Mr. Clooney to "Smitty." The plan worked like a charm as Miss Stephanie not only got a handshake from the former Batman but received a rub on the arm. It was a magical moment.

Don't you wish all bosses were like that?

KELLY GOLDSMITH: She's the 8th to be voted out of Africa - 8 remain. The next episode of Survivor I watch will be my first. I'm doing this by memory so I may not have all the facts. This is the blue card I prepared for Dave, regarding Kelly Goldsmith.
- 8th to be voted out of Africa - 8 remain.
- 22 years old; single.
- Hometown: Rancho Santa Fe, California.
- Kelly is a graduate of Duke University with a degree in Sociology.
- Occupation: A Behavioral Research Analyst.
- Kelly is an avid traveler, having visited over 35 countries.
- Hobbies: lifting weights, crocheting, and "manipulating men."
- Luxury Item: Crocheting needles and yarn.

From this blue card, I hope Dave will be able to come up with some questions to ask Kelly.
Dave: "Why were you voted off?"
Kelly: "I was a victim of lies and deceit."
Dave: "Welcome to CBS."

Dave: "What did you win?"
Kelly: "Nothing."
I "Played the Dave," expecting Dave to repeat his funny line, "Welcome to CBS." I lost.

Dave had information that Kelly had to drink cow's blood as one of the stunts on "Survivor." Luckily for us, we have a clip. We see somebody poking a hole into the neck of a cow and catching the cascading blood into a bucket. We then see Kelly and another guzzle down the tasty neck nectar. I would rather see a naked Richard Hatch. (Sorry, I don't watch the show and that's the only "Survivor" joke I can come up with.) Rupert has a question for Kelly: "What was your luxury item." Yawn. It was a lame question the first time Rupert asked that a few weeks ago. C'mon Rupert, she went to Duke University! Ask her how to spell Coach K's last name.
Stephanie also has a question: "Spend time with any monkeys?"

ELLEN DEGENERES: I was hoping she would come out and say to Dave, "No, you're wrong. I was Oprah's first husband."
I always liked Ellen. I like her standup, I liked her old show, "Ellen" and I like her new show, "The Ellen Show." I think the people who come up with the names of her shows are the same people who come up with names for Bob Newhart's shows. Dave gave high complements for her performance as the host of The Emmys. If not for Game 7 of the World Series, I would probably agree wholeheartedly.
Ellen has new ideas for Christmas shows here in New York, mainly in the ballet family. She suggests a Santa ballet since so few ballets include fat people. Why doesn't the ballet have fat people? Because they're tutu heavy. Go ahead and tell your grandkids that joke. They'll love it.

DAVE GORMAN: Before Dave introduces Dave Gorman, we get to see what it would be like if Oprah were a guest on Dave's show. I'm still hoping for the home-and-home series. Dave on Oprah one day, Oprah on Dave the next.
Dave Gorman is starring in the one-man off-Broadway show, "Are You Dave Gorman?" It's his way of meeting as many Dave Gorman's as he can. He's up to 101 to date. Dave seems like an odd yet entertaining character. I like his mutton chops. Nearing the end of the segment, Dave the host asks Gorman, "So, do you have a wife? Another life besides the show?" Dave the guest laughs a hearty laugh, "What do you think?" The answer is an obvious "no."

And that was our show for Monday, December 10, 2001. WAHOO EXTRA

After a week of relaxation, I return to an unworking copy machine on the 12th floor. I attempt the one on 14 - no good. On 11 - no good. I hurry down to 8 - again, no good. To the shack on stage I scurry. The oldest copier in the house gets the job done. Any good I got out of the vacation was gone by noon.

I'm having a small Christmas Eve party at the house. For directions I tell the guests we're the house without the icicle Christmas lights.

So how's your football season going? Here in New York, the Giants are done but the real fun is watching the New York Jets. I've never been much of a Jet fan, not since Namath left. I especially didn't like them during the Gastineau/Richard Todd era. Anyway, the Jets have this tendency of having terrible Decembers and the newspapers were keeping an eagle-eye out for such this year. "How will the Jets do this December?" was the question. The Jets were on a roll during Sept/Oct/Nov but as soon as December came around, BANG, out go the Jets. They've lost both December games this year. Even if you're not much of a football fan, it's something to check out on Monday morning.

I went to see the Gene Hackman movie "Heist" last week. I don't get out to see too many movie that doesn't include animation these days so this was a real treat. Why did I go see "Heist"? Well, I like Hackman and there wasn't anything else playing. Hackman plays a master jewel thief. He and his gang make off with lots of jewels at the beginning of the movie, then later on attempt to steal a bunch of gold off an airplane. Throughout the movie I couldn't get it out of my head that this was just a movie and the writer and director could make up anything they want to move the plot along. Whenever another twist took place, all I could think of was "Yeah, but it's a movie. It's all make believe." Of course this is obvious, a movie being just pretend, but I couldn't lose myself in the film. I'll have to go to another movie soon to see if this will happen to me in all movies now.

In case you're wondering, the name is McIntee, pronounced MACK-in-tee.

I am now opening up the "When will Paul perform his Cher impression of 'O Holy Night'? Name the date, win a mention.

Happy Chanukah, my Jewish friends.