What's new with Dave and Oprah? Dave says everything is going just great. It's just a matter of time. Although the Oprah Log did not make an appearance, Dave continues to monitor Ms. O's cryptic messages. All in all, things seem to be moving in the right direction

GEORGE CLARKE'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW: I don't know how he does it but our building engineer George Clarke keeps on scoring the big interviews with Hollywood's biggest stars. George recently sat down with "Ocean's 11" star George Clooney for an exchange of ideas. George C. welcomes George C. as his guests. The Cloon stops the Clarke in mid-sentence and asks, "Are you rubbing your foot against my leg?" The Clarke admits that he is. "I couldn't help myself," says the slightly embarrassed building engineer.

HOLIDAY HAIRPIECE/NOT A HAIRPIECE:
We revisit this once popular segment to the show. I immediately notice the green theme - Dave's tie, Paul's glasses, and the background to the Hairpiece/Not a Hairpiece clock. How this game works is we bring in a gentleman, or a lady, with a strong head of hair and position him at center stage. It's up to Dave to decide whether the person's mane is a hairpiece or not a hairpiece. Tonight's game is a little different from prior Hairpiece/Not a Hairpiece segments in that this Hairpiece/Not a Hairpiece segment is HOLIDAY Hairpiece/Not a Hairpiece. How is it different? This is HOLIDAY Hairpiece/Not a Hairpiece. Not only that but Rupert will also be playing along, watching the goings-on on a monitor in his Hello Deli.

Tonight, our contestant is Rich, a CPA from New Jersey. My favorite part of this piece then takes place as Dave and Paul debate when to start the clock. All the while the debate goes on, Dave is checking out the man's hair, stealing additional precious seconds to form his opinion. It sort of reminds me of the way a professional wrestling manager diverts the attention of the referee while the manager's wrestler gouges the eyes of his opponent with an illegal shiv. When the clock situation is settled, Dave asks for the contestant to turn around so Dave can get a full view of the man's follicled noggin. An audible reaction can be heard from the audience. My head was turned but obviously some telltale sign was revealed as we viewed the back of Rich's head. Dave allows Rupert to make the first guess. Rupert says he believes it is a hairpiece. Dave, feeling sorry for the guy, says he does not think it's a toupee. Paul pressures Dave as to why he is voting the way he is but Dave just wants to get on with the game. The final answer is about to be revealed. Paul asks Rich, "Is it or is it not a hairpiece."
With a "To Tell The Truth" pause, Rich reaches up to his tuft, pulls off the wig, and says, "It IS a hairpiece." How did Rupert know it was a hairpiece? Could he tell when the guy turned around? Rupert says that's when he could tell for sure. Says Rupert, "The hair was going against the grain."

THE KALTER TWINS: Fans of the Late Show are aware of the duo singing sensation Alan and Rick Kalter, better known as the Kalter Twins. For those of you new to the show and are unfamiliar, Dave shows a clip of the identical twin rouge tops singing a lovely ballad from a recent Late Show. Believe it or not, "Entertainment Tonight" featured Alan and Rick one of those gripping short documentaries just yesterday. Luckily, we were able to garner a copy. We see the clip from last night's "Entertainment Tonight."

Bob Goen: "It's been 24 years since their last collaboration, but Alan and Rick, the Kalter Twins are back in the studio putting the final touches on a new album, and ET was there with the exclusive." We then see a clip within the clip.
We see Alan singing "Do That To Me One More Time."
Bob Goen narrates: "It took nearly a quarter century, but the Kalter Twins are back with an album of adult contemporary favorites. The Kalter Twins disbanded in 1977, when the brothers' rocky relationship finally crumbled during a taping of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

We see Rick and Alan getting ready to perform on the famed Tonight Show stage. Alan quips a quick dig at Rick, to which Rick takes exception. They begin fighting, wrestling each other down to the ground. We see a confused Johnny Carson not sure what to do.
We see and hear interviews from those familiar with the Twin team, some complementary to the pair but most were sound bites filled with unflattering remarks. We catch a glimpse of the heat between the two during a recording session. Again, the fists fly among the crimson-chromed brothers. One studio engineer is heard saying, "I gotta be honest, this is the creepiest job I've ever had in my life, and I've worked with Michael Jackson." But like in most relationships, the best part about fighting is the making up. We cut to the final scene of Rick and Alan enjoying a glass of Andre Champagne while reclining in a hot tub. They toast one another, allowing their familial love for one another to flow. And we're out.

TOP TEN: EXCUSES OF THE AMERICAN TALIBAN GUY
#9. "I didn't JOIN the Taliban, I was INTERNING for the Taliban.
#4. "Since when is fighting against your own country with an evil terrorist regime considered treason?"

ANDY GARCIA: From the #1 film in the country, "Ocean's 11." George Clooney plays the Ocean character. What exactly does the 11 stand for? Andy's just back from Turkey entertaining the troops with the other cast members of "Ocean's 11". Dave says it must have been a thrill for the troops. Andy hesitates a bit and says it was a thrill for the troops when they got to see Julia Roberts. With Andy, it was more of a handshake and "get out of the way."
"Ocean's 11" takes place in Las Vegas and Andy got to learn that George Clooney is not much of a gambler. In fact, he lost 25 blackjack hands in a row. Then again, maybe Clooney is a good gambler. The money he lost wasn't his own.
Andy has also been busy working in a film with Mick Jagger. Mick plays the head of a male escort service and Andy plays the top escort.
And to top it off, Andy and his wife are expecting their 4th child in February.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: from MSNBC/CNBC - "Hardball with Chris Matthews." He's also plugging his new book, "Now, Let Me Tell You What I Really Think." Chris isn't used to working on a talk show with a LIVE band. He explains, "I see a band and I'm scared 'djoy'-less." Of course, talk immediately turns to the state of the world and how it has changed since 9/11. Chris says flying has become too lax, with little if any inspection of baggage and carry-ons. I tend to agree and have for a long time.

AND NOW, MY FLYING STORIES: The first time I ever flew in a big airplane I was going to Virginia to hang a large sign. I had a bag of tools with me; drill, screw drivers, knife, screws, nails, etc. I put the bag through the machine and nothing happened. I walked through, picked up my bag, and got on the plane. To me, the drill looked just like a gun when it went through the x-ray machine but the guards said nothing. Same thing on my return trip.

Some years later, Denise and I went to London. No problems flying out of JFK. Got on no problems, no waiting. I don't like being rushed so I want to get to the airport early when flying. On the return trip, I overdid it and got to the Heathrow Airport 2 and a half hours early. Well, the way Heathrow Security inspects their passengers, we needed every minute of those 2 and a half hours to get onto our flight. We ended up having to run to the plane. I was impressed at how thorough they were at Heathrow and it only made me more nervous when I thought how things were done at JFK. Now back to Chris Matthews.

America has changed much since September 11th. Chris points out that in a recent poll, named as the two most respected jobs in America were firefighters and nurses. The findings would have been different before 9/11. Also, "authenticity" is in now. Charisma and slickness are out. Chris continues. "Rudy is authentic. Rumsfeld is authentic. (Or did he say Ridge?). And of course, you (Dave) are authentic." Style is out. Substance is in. As for John Walker? "He's so far to the left, Hillary Clinton called him a traitor."
Dave wonders if John Walker is just a mixed up kid who got caught up in a bad situation. "He's just 20 years old," Dave mentions. Chris comes back with, "He's 20. He had real bullets in a real gun. He fired those bullets at our men, men who are only 18 years old themselves." Chris thinks John Walker should get what he's got coming to him. He's got no sympathy for the young kid who grew up in the mean cul-de-sacs of northern California. Dave ends the segment with a request for Chris to come back when he has more to say.

Let's take a moment to picture what it would be like to see Jenna Elfman in a discussion with Chris Matthews.

And that's our show for Wednesday, December 12, 2001. TALIBAN ON THE RUN

I'm very surprised I haven't heard this yet but has anyone come up with the song, "Taliban on the Run" to the beat of Wings' "Band on the Run"? Sounds like a no-brainer to me. Here are the words to that song, stolen off some website:

BAND ON THE RUN
"Stuck inside these four walls
Sent inside forever
Never seeing no one nice again
Like you, mama, you, mama, you

If I ever get out of here
Thought of giving it all away
To a registered charity
All I'd need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here
If we ever get out of here

Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash
As we fell into the sun
And the first one said to the second one there
I hope you're having fun

{Refrain}
Band on the run, band on the run
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam
Were searchin' ev'ryone
For the band on the run, band on the run
For the band on the run, band on the run

Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh
Seeing no one else had come
And a bell was ringing in village square
For the rabbits on the run

{Refrain}

Yeah the band on the run, the band on the run
Band on the run, band on the run

Well the night was falling as the desert world
Began to settle down
In the town they're searching for us ev'rywhere
But we never will be found

{As refrain}
Band on the run, band on the run
And the county judge who held a grudge
Will search forever more
For the band on the run, the band on the run
Band on the run, band on the run"

Heck, you don't even have to change the words all that much. C'mon, some Morning Zoo must had done something with this by now. "Taliban On The Run" - it couldn't be an easier. WAHOO EXTRA!

From yesterday's Wahoo Gazette:
"Just last week Mariah was in Kosovo and has some photos to share. The first photo is of Mariah in a helicopter. It's called a 'shnook.' 'What's it called,' Dave asks? Mariah answers, 'A shnook.' Dave: 'That's what I call my agent.'"
For the record, I didn't call it a "shnook," Mariah called it a "shnook." The proper spelling of the helicopter "shnook" is "Chinook."

I'm letting my 6-year-old girls, Danielle and Dominique, play with the Christmas Nativity set. They got Mary and Joseph taking care of Jesus and the 3 Kings bringing gifts to Jesus' birthday party. The have another character they call God. For some reason, they want to know God's last name. I tell them he doesn't have one. Later, I hear Jesus saying "Hello" to Uncle God.

Don't forget my Christmas tip. It's something I do every year and is quickly becoming a family tradition. First, get all your Christmas shopping done. Get your wrapping done, house decorated, meals lined up, get everything finished. On Christmas Eve, head over to the local shopping mall with your loved ones. Buy yourselves each an ice cream. Find a bench in the middle of the mall and take a seat. Now sit back, listen to the soft, melodic playing of "Silent Night," and watch everyone else cursing, swearing, pushing, and shoving on the eve of this most holy day. It's a real pleasure. You'll find no better entertainment anywhere.

Don't forget to write in with your prediction of the day Paul performs his impersonation of Cher singing, "O Holy Night". Get it right, get a mention.