If you're reading this 20 minutes later than usual, blame it on the Grammys.

STUMP THE BAND: It's a favorite we've borrowed from Johnny Carson's Tonight Show! So in honor of the Wednesday night at the Grammy's, we've decided to play Stump the Band. Play plays an important part in this and is ready to help out. Paul, in his Carnac hat, holds an envelope up to his forehead and says, "Mercedes-Benz, German, Kenneth Lay." Paul rips apart the envelope, blows it open, and gives reads the question: "Name a diesel, a measle, and a weasel." It's now time to play.
First up: Mike Dewon from Sulfur, Louisiana. Ah yes, what a lovely town Sulfur must be. I picture the sweet scent of lilacs in Sulfur town. What song does Mike have for us? "Walk Chicken Walk, Cause You're Too Fat To Fly." A strong effort by Paul to play "Walk Chicken Walk" turns up empty as it is not the song Mike from Sulfur was looking for. Mike sings the song he made up minutes earlier and it earns him a dinner for two at a fine New York restaurant.
#2. Matthew Thomas from Darien, Connecticut. Matthew claims to be a singer in real life, not just on a late night TV show. He leans towards the opera and classical songs. His song: "Caro Mio Ben." Oh, sounds Italian. That's a song for Will Lee. Will sings a masterful song that resulted in multiple "Bravos" from the audience but not a bravo from the most important person at the moment, that being Matthew Thomas. Matthew belts out the operatic tune, bringing a tear to both Dave and Will. So talented was Matthew, many had to ask, "What's he doing here?" Dave wanted to know the meaning of "Caro Mio Ben." Matthew said he had no idea.

And that's how we play "Stump the Band."

Paul is up for a Grammy tonight. By the time you read this, the results should be in. For Best Country Instrumental Performance, the nomination goes to "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" performed by Paul Shaffer, Earl Scruggs, Glen Duncan, Randy Scruggs, Steve Martin, Vince Gill, Marty Stuart, Gary Scruggs, Albert Lee, Jerry Douglas, and Leon Russell. Good luck to Earl, Paul, and the gang.

If you missed our Attorney General John Ashcroft's singing gig, we have it here again tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, John Ashcroft singing, "Let The Eagle Soar."

"Let the eagle soar,
Like she's never soared before,
From rocky coast to golden shore
Let the mighty eagle soar."

Isn't he at every wedding? "Uncle John, would you stop singing please. You're embarrassing the bride and groom!"

AFGHANISTAN GRAMMY AWARDS: It was the Grammy's here on CBS earlier in the night and what you may not know is it was Grammy night throughout the world. Did you happen to see the promo on the Al-Jezeera network for the Afghanistan Grammy Awards? Scheduled to appear: "*NBEARD" Scheduled to stay at home out of sight where they belong: The Pashtun Chicks!" Plus a special performance by the B-52's! The Afghanistan Grammys - only on Al-Jazeera.

TOP TEN: Features Of The New Elvis Theme Resort - in Memphis, Tennessee, plans are underway to develop a $500 million Elvis theme resort on the spot where Elvis and Priscilla Presley spent their honeymoon.
#9. Diners get to vote between the "young" lasagna and the "old" lasagna.
#8. Mirrors that make you look bloated and sweaty
#4. Saturday clambakes hosted by the guy who played "Paul the bartender" in the Elvis movie "Clambake.

STUPID HUMAN TRICKS:
1. TODD GUETERSLOH - from Marion, Kansas.
Todd: "I split an apple in half with my teeth."
Okay. This was interesting. Todd takes an apple and jams it into his front teeth. The apple cleanly breaks in even halves. It's unbelievable, even in slow motion. Three questions: Why? How? And can you tell me 'Why' again?

2. MARK FEDDES AND CHAD VAN GAALEN
Mark is from Edmonton, Chad from Calgary. One look at the young and disheveled Mark and Chad, and I said "Here comes a snowboarding joke." Dave says, "Are you out to win the Gold?" (Dave said something like that. I could have sworn I wrote it down but I guess I didn't) Mark and Chad met in Art school. Let me guess, was it Conceptual Art school? Their trick? Says Mark: "I crawl around Chad without touching the ground." Dave quickly checks his watch, sees it is past midnight, and allows the trick to continue. Mark hops on Chad, crawls over his head and down his back, makes it through Chad's legs and then works himself back to Chad's chest and up to his head and repeats the journey two more times. I didn't see Dave's blue card but I'm guessing the 'Stupid' in 'Stupid Human Tricks' title was bold and underlined.
After the show, Mark and Chad begin filming "Mark and Chad's Excellent Adventure."

3. JENNIFER GILLETTE: She's 14 and an 8th grader from Ormond Beach, Florida. What did she think of Mark and Chad? She thinks they were a bit weird. Dave kind of agrees. What can Jennifer do that most of us cannot? Says Jennifer: "I play music with my nose." I was so hoping Dave would have said, "That's nothing. Paul plays music by ear." He didn't. It was another miss of mine in "Play the Dave." Jennifer puts the palm of her hand up to her nose, blows, and belts out a lovely accompaniment to Paul's "Feliz Navidad." I enjoyed this trick. The best part of this trick was she got out of school to perform it.

CHER: From her new CD, "Living Proof," Cher sang "Song For the Lonely." Tonight, Cher is in blonde. Dave plays a private game of "Hairpiece/Not A Hairpiece" and learns that it is in fact a hairpiece/wig. Dave is impressed as it looks so natural. Cher plans to wear it until after the show then put it away with her other wigs. And what does she plan on doing after that? "None of your business," snaps Cher. Does Cher have a boyfriend? Again, it's none of Dave's business. Dave then does a quick unintentional Jimmy Stewart impersonation. Dave presses on with the boyfriend question and so Cher decides to turn the tables. Cher asks if Dave has a girlfriend. He says he does and has had the same one since before Cher was on last (November '98). Cher asks, "And you're not married yet?" Dave says Liz Talyor 's been married a dozen times and Larry King a near amount and Dave, after being married once for 10 years, was afraid he would become one "like them." After a while, marriage is like eating peanuts. You just can't stop.
(But with peanuts after a bad one, you want another one right away to get the bad taste out of your mouth. I would think marriage is different here.)
Dave holds up a photo of Sonny and Cher on the Ed Sullivan show back in 1965 (37 years ago). It was extremely exciting for Cher except Ed called them "Sonny and Chur." Although thrilled to be on, she couldn't help but think all of America thought they were watching Sonny and Chur.
Dave asks Cher to come back to the show soon and not to wait another three years to do so. Cher agrees to a "once a year" contract. Dave is satisfied with that.

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 27, 2002. Grammy Talk And More!

CBS and the Grammys - it's appropriate for CBS to carry the Grammys since the CBS target audience is mostly Grammys and Grampas.

OUCH! I think I pulled a hammy reaching for that last joke.

I'm looking at my Grammy program and see up for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance:
Craig David, Michael Jackson, Elton John, Brian McKnight, James Taylor. Michael Jackson, Elton John, James Taylor? Wow! These Grammys really are on CBS!

Another category has for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal:
Backstreet Boys; Five for Fighting; *NSYNC; R.E.M.; U2.
I'm no music expert but how is R.E.M. and U2 up against the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC in the same category?

Just a reminder: Thursday evening at 7:30 PM at the Barnes & Noble on 4 Astor Place in Manhattan will be a reading by former Late Show writer Jill Davis from her debut novel, "Girls' Poker Night." Jay McInerney and Joan Didion love it!

Also Thursday night is the premiere of Survivor: Marquesas. The big question: How many of this season's Survivors are bartenders? The over/under is set at 2 and a half.

A quick check on the Grammy update on the AOL (note: I've been knocked off the AOL 3 times in twenty minutes) - winners I care about include:
- Best Rock Song: Train for "Drops of Jupiter"
- U2 for something.
- Tom Chapin for Best Spoken Word Album for Children for his "Mama Don't Allow." I saw Tom a few times in college and again last month with my girls.
- And "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" for Best Country Instrumental Performance performed by Paul Shaffer, Earl Scruggs, Glen Duncan, Randy Scruggs, Steve Martin, Vince Gill, Marty Stuart, Gary Scruggs, Albert Lee, Jerry Douglas, and Leon Russell. Congratulations! (Earl Scruggs, Paul, Steve Martin and the gang performed "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" on the Late Show on November 15, 2001. Check out the Archives to see what I wro...ooops. Nevermind.)