This will be quick.

Dave congratulates his Indiana Hoosiers for winning the NCAA basketball championship in a stunning victory over Maryland earlier in the night. They shocked the world.
And in case Indiana didn't win, Dave salutes the Terrapins on a well-deserved victory.

Herbie Hancock is sitting with the band. His new CD is entitled, "Future 2 Future." Herbie is 62 years old, one of only a few in the theater older than Dave. (Dave said that. I'm only repeating what Dave said.)

It's been awhile, not since the winter Olympics, so Dave calls his assistant, Stephanie, on the phone. Dave asks, "If you were shopping for popcorn, which would you buy? Jolly Time, Orville Redenbacher, Newman's Own, or Explode-O-Pop. Stephanie picks the Redenbacher, much to Dave's chagrin. "Why wouldn't you pick Explode-O-Pop?" Stephanie says the name scares her.
Tonight during the show, Dave suggests that Stephanie walk down the block to buy herself some french fries, a trip she takes daily. Stephanie likes the idea and Dave tells her we will be following her with a camera to record the transaction. This doesn't bother Stephanie at all; she only has Fries on her mind. We will watch Stephanie every step of the way in a little bubble in the corner of the screen, sort of like that 'picture within a picture' feature on those expensive TV's.

Meanwhile, Dave offers his congratulations to our boom microphone operator Al Norwood. Last Saturday marked Al's 42nd year at CBS. What did CBS get Al for his 42nd year? "A watch" replies a happy Al. According to most of the staff, Al likes his watch.

During this time, we see Stephanie get miked and make it to "Frites," the french fry store. Stephanie places a big order and Dave asks for Stephanie to let us know the second her order is ready. Dave adds, "And don't forget to get those wet-naps."
Stephanie asks for the wet-naps but "Frites" doesn't supply them. Why not? How does one get the french fry grease off their hands? According to the Master Chef, "Frites" french fries are greaseless. Nice cover up.

WHAT'S ON TELEVISION THIS WEEK?
"24" - When Jack sets his clock ahead for Daylights Savings Time, the series is re-titled "23."
Larry King - Larry celebrates his 44th year in broadcasting and 44th year as the only man on television that looks like an owl.

Stephanie says, "Dave, Dave. It's time." An excited Dave drops what he is doing to watch the transaction, but not before saying, "I'll boil some water." I sort of won at "Play the Dave" as it sounded to me as if Stephanie was advising Dave she was ready to give birth. I said, "It sounds like she's pregnant." Dave sidestepped the obvious and said, "I'll boil some water," making it much funnier than my take. Stephanie orders an assortment of fries and when served will bring them back to her office so we can watch her eat.

BIFF HENDERSON'S NCAA BASKETBALL FINALS UNLABELED CANNED GOODS OF THE NIGHT. How does this work? Biff has 5 large cans of food in front of him, each with its label torn off. One can will be chosen and Biff will predict what is in the can. Dave says, "Isn't it always chili?" Biff laughs because he thinks the one he is about to open is indeed chili? Why? Biff says, "Because it's fully packed." Flanked by two lovely models, Biff can-opens the can to discover it's chocolate pudding. And that's how we play Biff Henderson's NCAA Basketball Finals Unlabeled Canned Goods of the Night.

TOP TEN: APRIL FOOLS PRANKS IN AFGHANISTAN
#10. Short-Sheeted Burqas.
#7. Offering someone a can of peanut brittle and a goat jumps out.
#6. Painting a giant bulls-eye on roof of friend's cave

Dave says that a lot of times the show has something for everyone. This show has something for no one.

Stephanie has returned to her office with her french fries. Dave wants to know why it took so long for her to get her french fries. Stephanie: "The guy said he had to make them fresh." An irritated Dave suddenly becomes charmed as he knows there is nothing quite so good as fresh french fries.
I like the guy who works at Frites. He covers his rear very well. "Because they're greaseless," and "I have to make them fresh." Nice work.

MARV ALBERT: Dave and Marv run the gamut of sports: college basketball, pro basketball (did not mention the Nets, did they?), baseball, hockey, football (?). Marv and Dave decide either Indiana or Maryland will win the NCAA championship. They talk some about Bobby Knight, former coach of Indiana, now the coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. It's been reported that Bob Knight, who recruited many of the Indiana players playing in Monday's Finals, hasn't called them to wish them luck or congratulate them on their success this season. Personally, I don't think he should until after the season is over. No matter what he does, those who love him will think he did the right thing, those who don't will think he did wrong.
In the second segment, we get the much anticipated and critically acclaimed Marv Bloopers, compiled by Marv's crack staff consisting solely of David Katz. These bloopers were some of his best, as promised. My favorite part of the Marv's bloopers is listening to Dave's commentary.
Dave's Commentary:
"Hey, what's that all about?"
"Get off the court!"
"Whoa, Nelly"
"Oh my God!"
"Wait a minute!"
"He's drunk!"
"Oh my. . ."
"Billy Crystal, he's always on."

CHARLOTTE ROSS: dressed in all black - Va-va-va-voom. And to think I was expecting Charlotte Rae! Charlotte Ross is from "NYPD Blue" and is currently Dennis Franz's love interest. (Isn't TV wonderful!)
Is Charlotte forced to appear naked on the show? She says she had to sign something that says she agrees to appear naked if asked. She realizes she may have to one day show her "naked buttocks." She says "buttocks" one more time and Dave asks if she would stop saying "buttocks." I laughed at this because I heard throughout the day that Atlanta Brave pitcher Greg Maddux would not start Monday because he had a "sore buttocks." So before our show even started I heard the word "buttocks" at least 10 times on Monday. I heard it at least 3 more times during the show.
This is Charlotte's 7th television series she's been on. "Trinity" and "Beggers and Choosers" are two.
Charlotte was dressed quite provocatively and Dave admits to being a bit distracted during the interview. I have a feeling most male viewers, and some women, didn't notice that Dave was distracted.

And that was our show for Monday, April 1, 2002. Wahoo Extra!

Booked for Friday April 5 is a comedian named Demetri Martin. It is his first time on our show but not the first time you've heard of him. This is what I wrote about Demetri Martin in the Wahoo Gazette back on March 14, 2001.

"Last night I'm watching a local cable station. A stand-up comedian is on who acts and looks very familiar. I finally figure out who it is: None other than Mitch Hedberg from at least 10 years ago. His mannerisms haven't changed all that much but his jokes are the same style and he tells them in somewhat the same style. He did very well. At the end of his bit, his name appears: It's a guy named Demetri Martin. The hair in the eyes, the odd take on things, the quick joke -- exactly the same as Mitch Hedberg. Was Mitch Hedberg ever named Demetri Martin?"

I haven't seen Demetri Martin in over a year. I'm curious to see how he does this Friday.

Congratulations are in order. I just finished watching the NCAA Basketball Finals and a must salute the fine work of . . . . the CBS director who covered the game! No close ups of the guy who just made a basket while an inbound pass is attempted, no unnecessary shots of the coaches during play, no unnecessary shots of family in the stands during play, no unnecessary shots of the crowd during play. The cameras remained mainly on the game! Imagine that! I'm just mad that NY Post columnist Phil Mushnick beat me to the punch in Monday's or Sunday's column. He lauded the same work in the Final Four games.

Joe Torre's job is in jeopardy. The Yankees have lost three in a row. Roger Clemens got rocked yesterday, but some are claiming he hurt his finger in the fourth inning trying to make a play. They took x-rays and discovered a pulled hammy.