NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUMES: It's a Late Show tradition, it's New Halloween Costumes, costumes so new, you probably didn't see these knocking on your door.
This year's costumes and giveaways.
1. Dr. Phil - Illegal cable box
2. A Marlboro Grocery Check-Out order divider
3. Cryogenic Ted Williams - an autographed photo of U.N weapons inspector Hans Blix.
4. The inside of a microwave oven - a 1998 calendar
5. The shirtless father/son lunatics - fresh ground pepper
6. John Walker Lindh - a "Tonight Show" tote bag
7. The thing that causes severe tire damage when you back over it - Frank Lautenberg campaign literature
8. Saddam Hussein doubles - frozen lean cuisine dinners
9. Dick Cheney pacemaker - jar of capers

I didn't bring my girls in to participate. I decided to let them Trick-or-Treat at home. And with the next two years of Halloween falling on a Friday and Saturday, I figured it would be better to wait.

SNICKERS UPDATE: Dave made a big fuss over the dandy candy bar during Tuesday's show. He expected a nice shipment come Wednesday. When nothing came, Dave let known his "disappointment." He gave the Snickers people 24 hours to make the deal, or else. 2:30 PM Thursday, making the 24-hour deadline, 10 cases of Snickers bars came in - 3,840 total bars. Plus, 10 cases of M&M's also arrived - 5,000 packs. Before I could say YUM!, we forward the chocolaty treats to King Street Nursing Home in Rye Brook, New York.

Snickers fun fact: First manufactured in 1930, the Snickers Bar is the #1 selling candy bar in the United States. It is also the top selling candy bar in Russia.

Peace through candy.

DR. PHIL'S WORDS OF WISDOM: "You bastard!"
That was followed by, "I want to be Miss America."

TOP TEN: THINGS A DRILL INSTRUCTOR WOULD NEVER SAY - And here to present the top ten list, 10 Drill Instructors from Marine Corps Recruit Dept Parris Island, South Carolina.
#10. Staff Sergeant Amee Prude
#9. Staff Sergeant Dean Clark
#8. Staff Sergeant Michael Reed
#7. Staff Sergeant Arnold Rendon
#6. Sergeant Brandey Catledge
#5. Gunnery Sergeant Christopher Cornell
#4. Staff Sergeant William Bodette
#3. Staff Sergeant Rafael Rodriguez
#2. Gunnery Sergeant Adam Moore
#1. Sergeant Louis Starnes

My favorites: #8. "For a zestier tuna salad, add a pinch of dill."
#4. "With Pert Plus, I just wash . . . and go"

The Drill Instructor Creed: "These recruits are entrusted in my care.
I will train them to the best of my ability.
I will develop them into smartly disciplined, physically fit, basically trained Marines, thoroughly indoctrinated in love of Corps and Country.
I will demand of them, and demonstrate by my own example, the highest standards of personal conduct, morality, and professional skill."

JERRY SEINFELD: He's out to do stand-up. My first impression: nothing beats a white shirt and a black suit. Jerry's 7-8 minutes? Terrorism made fun. It was very funny. Jerry is currently promoting his new film documentary entitled, "Comedian." It's in selected cities now. The film shows the life of a comedian traveling from venue to venue, trying out new stuff, discovering what works and what doesn't. Jerry calls it a "Docu-tainment." I'm considering creating a film about the life of a production coordinator. I'll call it a "Docu-crap."

And now my Jerry Seinfeld story: About 12 years ago, Denise and I traveled up to the Berkshires in Massachusetts for a weekend of entertainment. A comedian I was familiar with from the "Tonight Show" was appearing at a local theater. His name was Jerry Seinfeld. I went to the theater in the morning to purchase two tickets. When I got to the box office, there was a long line. I decided to wait because if I didn't get these tickets, next on the entertainment list was the opera. After an hour wait, I was finally next on line. Unfortunately, the last ticket had just been sold. Disappointed, I turn to leave. The woman at the window says to come back in two hours since there may be more tickets to go on sale. I return an hour and a half later to find another line. I go to the front of the line but the woman at the booth says I have to go to the back. I wait on line. The extra tickets go on sale 45 minutes later. After a lengthy wait, I am finally next. The ticket-woman gives me the bad news. The last tickets had just been sold. The opera was just grand.

ACT 5: It's Bill, the Troubled Octogenarian. He's been bothering the ladies down at the Senior Center.

FOO FIGHTERS: From their new CD, "One by One," the Foo sang "All My Life."

And that was our show for Thursday, October 31, 2002. Wahoo EXTRA!

Winona Ryder is on trial for shoplifting and she caused quite a commotion when she showed up in the courtroom yesterday wearing a see-through dress. Not a good idea. You were able to see the security clip still on her brassiere.

A GOOD WAY TO SAVE MONEY ON HALLOWEEN: Halloween candy too expensive? Do what I do. When a kid knocks on your door, have him hold out his Trick-or-Treat bag. In one hand you have a Snickers bar. Reach into the bag as if to drop the bar into his bag. With your other hand, flick the side of his Halloween bag with your finger. It'll sound like you dropped the Snickers. Now remove your hand from his Halloween bag, palming the Snickers as you do. The kid leaves happy and it doesn't cost you a thing!

SNAPPLE UNDER-THE-CAP FUN FACT OF THE DAY:
#68. The longest one-syllable word is 'screeched.'
And now the humorous comment: "Really? I thought it was Lucy Ricardo's 'Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.'" Friday's Late Show

FRIDAY'S CBS MAILBAG:
LETTER #1: From Dean Zevcheck of Parma, Ohio: "I was wondering what Late Show 'Carpenter' Harold Larkin actually does?"
LETTER #2: From Brian Smith of Placentia, California: "Dave, Just wanted to know if you needed any yard work done?"
LETTER #3: From Bill Baird of Lewiston, New York: "Dear Dave, What did you eat for breakfast today?" (I make an appearance. It is some of my best work.)
LETTER #4: From Kaitlin Hildebrandt of Yukon, Oklahoma: "Dear Dave, Have you ever been to jail?"

Friday's guests: Don Rickles and Jim Gaffigan. Be sure to check out the Jim Gaffigan website at www.jimgaffigan.com. It's new and improved. Back when I first visited his site back in May of this year, I was visitor #595. The counter is now up to 15,516. I went back to the site minutes later but the number was still stuck at 15,516. Darn. I was hoping to have a "Jim Gaffigan #16,000" contest. Watch for future instructions.