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			Friday, November 01, 2002 Show #1897
			By Michael Z. McIntee	Change Text Color: Black \| White


	Don Rickles; and Jim Gaffigan. PLUS: CBS Mailbag; Dr. Phil’s Words of Wisdom; a top ten list; and Will It Float? DR. PHIL’S WORDS OF WISDOM: “You bastard.” “I had a vasectomy, and I had it reversed.” “You want a piece of me, lady?” CBS MAILBAG LETTER #1: From Dean Zevcheck of Parma, Ohio: “I was wondering what 'Late Show' ‘Carpenter’ Harold Larkin actually does?” Harold does plenty of carpentry work around the theater. He spent all afternoon working on a big project. Harold throws to a videotape of his day. Harold is busy at work on a table saw, cutting wood with saw dust flying high. We see more and more shots of saw dust flying. We then see more saw dust. And more. And then a little bit more. Finally, we see a Dr. Phil on a TV. Harold settles into a chair made of saw dust to watch the good Doctor. For those scoring at home, Dr. Phil airs in New York M-F at 3:00 PM on CBS. LETTER #2: From Brian Smith of Placentia, California: “Dave, Just wanted to know if you needed any yard work done?” Dave has a guy who does that. He says he could show what the guy does in his yard, but thought it would be more fun to show him working in Alan’s office. We turn on the camera on the 11th floor. We travel down the hall to Alan’s office. The door opens to find the guy working a leaf blower and blowing Alan’s papers all over the office. For those scoring at home, that’s about the 9th different office that Alan has had. LETTER #3: From Bill Baird of Lewiston, New York: “Dear Dave, What did you eat for breakfast today?” (I make an appearance. It is some of my best work.) Dave says he doesn’t eat breakfast. An alarmed George Clarke, our staff dietician, interrupts Dave. “Dave, don’t you know breakfast is the most important meal of the day?” George then presents a public service video clip on the importance of a good breakfast. First we see George starting his day with a nice bowl of cereal high in fiber. He continues with scrambled eggs and unbuttered wheat toast. Then he dines on a roasted chicken, a leg of lamb, fettuccini alfredo, veal marsala, and a butterscotch sundae. (“Hey, where’s the damn whipped cream?”) After a refreshing nap, George is ready to begin his day. We see George walking in the dark to the Ed Sullivan Theater. He greets the theater security guard, “Good morning! How’s the day going?” The security guard, a George Clooney-like twin, looks up from the paper and answers in a James Earl Jones voice, “Everyone’s gone home.” George turns and exits. “Sweet. Have a good one,” he responds on the way out. For those scoring at home, the George Clooney look-alike was actually me! LETTER #4: From Kaitlin Hildebrandt of Yukon, Oklahoma: “Dear Dave, Have you ever been to jail?” No, Dave has never been to jail. Speaking of jail, publicist Lizzie Grubman went away to jail this week for running over 16 people in her car. Luckily, Lizzie was able to drop by the theater for a few words. Work release, I think. Hopefully she took a cab. She enters and one is immediately impressed with her improved appearance. She no longer has that puggish sneer. Going by the name 87365439 (no relation to Tommy Tutone’s 8675309), she says she’s lost 60 pounds and feels great! We see a clip of her arriving at the Suffolk County Jail. She is stopped by security guards. “Excuse me, sir, this is a women’s prison,” she is told. The imprisoned publicist scolds the guard, “I know. I’m Lizzie Grubman. I’m on the list. I’m on the list.” She then offers a few choice words to the guards. Back from the clip, Dave says it was as powerful as a scene from Scared Straight. Before saying goodbye, Lizzie has one more thing to say. She looks directly into the camera and says, “When you get to prison, your ass is mine, Winona.” Lizzie exits, claiming “I’m like Gandhi! I’m like Gandhi!” For those scoring at home, congratulations. And that was *CBS Mailbag. WILL IT FLOAT?* A 175-ounce box of detergent. The girls drop the box into the Will It Float tank – and it FLOATS! If we waited long enough, I think it would have eventually sunk once the detergent absorbed the water and the air pocket in the box filled. TOP TEN: Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair with U.N. Weapons Inspector Hans Blix. #4. It’s a good bet, considering she had affairs with every other Chief U.N. Weapons Inspector. DON RICKLES: Done was last “on” the show a few weeks back during Celebrity X-Ray Challenge. I looked closely and his teeth looked fine. Dave asks Don how his Halloween was. Don says Jews don’t have Halloween. “We sell the candy.” Don recently went to dinner with Johnny Carson and Dave wanted to know all about it. Don says Johnny tends to be quiet at dinner, adding, “It’s like you. It’s like being alone.” Dave also is interested in Don’s recent dinner date with Regis Philbin. Don says all Regis is interested in is talking Notre Dame. Although Dave doesn’t like going out to dinner, he likes hearing stories about people going out to dinner. I imagine Dave would go out to dinner all the time if he could be invisible and just watch. I kind of like that set up, too. I’m always interested in impersonations and Don did two tonight. First he did Dave’s mom. Then he did an Hispanic 2nd baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers. I always like Don’s visits to the show. I find him quite funny though I would think the transcripts wouldn’t make much sense. Don Rickles, he’ll always be Sharkey to me. Mr. Rickles will be performing November 21-24th at the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. ACT 5: The Cape thing – tonight’s special guest – star of Ed, Tom Cavanagh. I wonder if he’s done it with Carol yet. JIM GAFFIGAN: Performed a very funny 5-8 minutes on beautiful people. He’s on the outside looking in. Don’t forget to check out his website, www.jimgaffigan.com. His new CD, Luigi’s Doghouse is a laugh. And when you check out Jim’s website, click on to his past performances on the Late Show. If that’s not enough, you can see Dave there! And that was our show for Friday November 1, 2002. Wahoo EXTRA! No, I do not have copies of the Warren Zevon episode from Wednesday night. Most people requesting a copy either fell asleep, the VCR didn’t work, didn’t know, or they forgot. 103 days till pitchers and catchers. It’s another episode of the wildly popular, “Daytime Talk Shows with the topic: DNA testing to determine the father.” Friday was a bonanza – MONTEL: “Memorable past shows involving paternity” JENNY JONES: “Guests take DNA tests to determine paternity” MAURY: “Guests share paternity stories” Then on Monday: MONTEL: “Paternity tests” Come to think of it, these paternity shows are a lot like “Will It Float?” Ah yes, November 2nd. Each year on November 2nd I think back to my high school football days. I attended Ramapo Senior High School in Rockland County, New York. Growing up playing the Pop Warner, Junior High School and JV football, I patiently waited my turn for my Senior year of Varsity ball. My two older brothers played Varsity football and rejoiced in all its pageantry. I looked forward to my turn. In the fall of 1973, my sophomore class had 6 starters on the Varsity (I was not one) and the future looked rosy for the class of ‘76. Ramapo’s recent history at the time was not very successful but that would change in a year or two. Junior year we had more from the class starting and the hopes for our Senior year was very bright. I was still not one of the starters but was the backup Quarterback. Everything seemed to be falling into place for the fall of 1975. I would be a senior in high school. I would be the Varsity quarterback. But then came the spring and summer of 1975. Money was tight for the affluent community. The school budget needed to be passed and it wasn’t going to be easy. The first vote, the budget was voted down. Cuts had to be made. The 2nd vote also was voted down. More cuts had to be made with sports being high on the list of cuts. A 3rd vote was held and again it was voted down. It was over. The East Ramapo School District would operate on an austerity budget. The results: NO SPORTS. We continued to practice anyway. With discussions being held behind the scenes, each week we were told that we could possibly have a game the upcoming Saturday. The coaches worked without pay. We worked with hope. Usually on Friday morning we would be given the bad news. No money. No budget. No insurance. No game. We continued to practice each week. From double sessions in mid-August and through the fall we continued to practice. Never a game was played. Come late October, an emergency budget was somehow passed and we had football. Our first game was November 2. We won 22-2. We played the County champs the following week and lost 20-16. The third week of our season we played a New York State ranked team and won 8-0. And that was our season. That was my Senior year. And it all started on November 2nd. It was our first game of the year. Never since has an East Ramapo school budget not been passed on time. By the time you read this, we should know if New York City becomes the U.S. hopeful to host the 2012 Summer Olympics. Here’s hoping San Francisco wins out. I’m still looking for a New Yorker who wants the Olympics here. Monday’s Show: Stupid Human Tricks; Sean Hayes; and Willie Nelson with Ryan Adams. Don Rickles; and Jim Gaffigan. PLUS: CBS Mailbag; Dr. Phil’s Words of Wisdom; a top ten list; and Will It Float? DR. PHIL’S WORDS OF WISDOM: “You bastard.” “I had a vasectomy, and I had it reversed.” “You want a piece of me, lady?” CBS MAILBAG LETTER #1: From Dean Zevcheck of Parma, Ohio: “I was wondering what 'Late Show' ‘Carpenter’ Harold Larkin actually does?” Harold does plenty of carpentry work around the theater. He spent all afternoon working on a big project. Harold throws to a videotape of his day. Harold is busy at work on a table saw, cutting wood with saw dust flying high. We see more and more shots of saw dust flying. We then see more saw dust. And more. And then a little bit more. Finally, we see a Dr. Phil on a TV. Harold settles into a chair made of saw dust to watch the good Doctor. For those scoring at home, Dr. Phil airs in New York M-F at 3:00 PM on CBS. LETTER #2: From Brian Smith of Placentia, California: “Dave, Just wanted to know if you needed any yard work done?” Dave has a guy who does that. He says he could show what the guy does in his yard, but thought it would be more fun to show him working in Alan’s office. We turn on the camera on the 11th floor. We travel down the hall to Alan’s office. The door opens to find the guy working a leaf blower and blowing Alan’s papers all over the office. For those scoring at home, that’s about the 9th different office that Alan has had. LETTER #3: From Bill Baird of Lewiston, New York: “Dear Dave, What did you eat for breakfast today?” (I make an appearance. It is some of my best work.) Dave says he doesn’t eat breakfast. An alarmed George Clarke, our staff dietician, interrupts Dave. “Dave, don’t you know breakfast is the most important meal of the day?” George then presents a public service video clip on the importance of a good breakfast. First we see George starting his day with a nice bowl of cereal high in fiber. He continues with scrambled eggs and unbuttered wheat toast. Then he dines on a roasted chicken, a leg of lamb, fettuccini alfredo, veal marsala, and a butterscotch sundae. (“Hey, where’s the damn whipped cream?”) After a refreshing nap, George is ready to begin his day. We see George walking in the dark to the Ed Sullivan Theater. He greets the theater security guard, “Good morning! How’s the day going?” The security guard, a George Clooney-like twin, looks up from the paper and answers in a James Earl Jones voice, “Everyone’s gone home.” George turns and exits. “Sweet. Have a good one,” he responds on the way out. For those scoring at home, the George Clooney look-alike was actually me! LETTER #4: From Kaitlin Hildebrandt of Yukon, Oklahoma: “Dear Dave, Have you ever been to jail?” No, Dave has never been to jail. Speaking of jail, publicist Lizzie Grubman went away to jail this week for running over 16 people in her car. Luckily, Lizzie was able to drop by the theater for a few words. Work release, I think. Hopefully she took a cab. She enters and one is immediately impressed with her improved appearance. She no longer has that puggish sneer. Going by the name 87365439 (no relation to Tommy Tutone’s 8675309), she says she’s lost 60 pounds and feels great! We see a clip of her arriving at the Suffolk County Jail. She is stopped by security guards. “Excuse me, sir, this is a women’s prison,” she is told. The imprisoned publicist scolds the guard, “I know. I’m Lizzie Grubman. I’m on the list. I’m on the list.” She then offers a few choice words to the guards. Back from the clip, Dave says it was as powerful as a scene from Scared Straight. Before saying goodbye, Lizzie has one more thing to say. She looks directly into the camera and says, “When you get to prison, your ass is mine, Winona.” Lizzie exits, claiming “I’m like Gandhi! I’m like Gandhi!” For those scoring at home, congratulations. And that was *CBS Mailbag. WILL IT FLOAT?* A 175-ounce box of detergent. The girls drop the box into the Will It Float tank – and it FLOATS! If we waited long enough, I think it would have eventually sunk once the detergent absorbed the water and the air pocket in the box filled. TOP TEN: Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair with U.N. Weapons Inspector Hans Blix. #4. It’s a good bet, considering she had affairs with every other Chief U.N. Weapons Inspector. DON RICKLES: Done was last “on” the show a few weeks back during Celebrity X-Ray Challenge. I looked closely and his teeth looked fine. Dave asks Don how his Halloween was. Don says Jews don’t have Halloween. “We sell the candy.” Don recently went to dinner with Johnny Carson and Dave wanted to know all about it. Don says Johnny tends to be quiet at dinner, adding, “It’s like you. It’s like being alone.” Dave also is interested in Don’s recent dinner date with Regis Philbin. Don says all Regis is interested in is talking Notre Dame. Although Dave doesn’t like going out to dinner, he likes hearing stories about people going out to dinner. I imagine Dave would go out to dinner all the time if he could be invisible and just watch. I kind of like that set up, too. I’m always interested in impersonations and Don did two tonight. First he did Dave’s mom. Then he did an Hispanic 2nd baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers. I always like Don’s visits to the show. I find him quite funny though I would think the transcripts wouldn’t make much sense. Don Rickles, he’ll always be Sharkey to me. Mr. Rickles will be performing November 21-24th at the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. ACT 5: The Cape thing – tonight’s special guest – star of Ed, Tom Cavanagh. I wonder if he’s done it with Carol yet. JIM GAFFIGAN: Performed a very funny 5-8 minutes on beautiful people. He’s on the outside looking in. Don’t forget to check out his website, www.jimgaffigan.com. His new CD, Luigi’s Doghouse is a laugh. And when you check out Jim’s website, click on to his past performances on the Late Show. If that’s not enough, you can see Dave there! And that was our show for Friday November 1, 2002. Wahoo EXTRA! No, I do not have copies of the Warren Zevon episode from Wednesday night. Most people requesting a copy either fell asleep, the VCR didn’t work, didn’t know, or they forgot. 103 days till pitchers and catchers. It’s another episode of the wildly popular, “Daytime Talk Shows with the topic: DNA testing to determine the father.” Friday was a bonanza – MONTEL: “Memorable past shows involving paternity” JENNY JONES: “Guests take DNA tests to determine paternity” MAURY: “Guests share paternity stories” Then on Monday: MONTEL: “Paternity tests” Come to think of it, these paternity shows are a lot like “Will It Float?” Ah yes, November 2nd. Each year on November 2nd I think back to my high school football days. I attended Ramapo Senior High School in Rockland County, New York. Growing up playing the Pop Warner, Junior High School and JV football, I patiently waited my turn for my Senior year of Varsity ball. My two older brothers played Varsity football and rejoiced in all its pageantry. I looked forward to my turn. In the fall of 1973, my sophomore class had 6 starters on the Varsity (I was not one) and the future looked rosy for the class of ‘76. Ramapo’s recent history at the time was not very successful but that would change in a year or two. Junior year we had more from the class starting and the hopes for our Senior year was very bright. I was still not one of the starters but was the backup Quarterback. Everything seemed to be falling into place for the fall of 1975. I would be a senior in high school. I would be the Varsity quarterback. But then came the spring and summer of 1975. Money was tight for the affluent community. The school budget needed to be passed and it wasn’t going to be easy. The first vote, the budget was voted down. Cuts had to be made. The 2nd vote also was voted down. More cuts had to be made with sports being high on the list of cuts. A 3rd vote was held and again it was voted down. It was over. The East Ramapo School District would operate on an austerity budget. The results: NO SPORTS. We continued to practice anyway. With discussions being held behind the scenes, each week we were told that we could possibly have a game the upcoming Saturday. The coaches worked without pay. We worked with hope. Usually on Friday morning we would be given the bad news. No money. No budget. No insurance. No game. We continued to practice each week. From double sessions in mid-August and through the fall we continued to practice. Never a game was played. Come late October, an emergency budget was somehow passed and we had football. Our first game was November 2. We won 22-2. We played the County champs the following week and lost 20-16. The third week of our season we played a New York State ranked team and won 8-0. And that was our season. That was my Senior year. And it all started on November 2nd. It was our first game of the year. Never since has an East Ramapo school budget not been passed on time. By the time you read this, we should know if New York City becomes the U.S. hopeful to host the 2012 Summer Olympics. Here’s hoping San Francisco wins out. I’m still looking for a New Yorker who wants the Olympics here. Monday’s Show: Stupid Human Tricks; Sean Hayes; and Willie Nelson with Ryan Adams.


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