For the ACT 1, I was at Rupert's Hello Deli assisting for a Mailbag letter. Without a monitor and without an earpiece, I have nothing to go on for my Wahoo recap, but I'll fudge it so you won't notice.

DR. PHIL'S WORDS OF WISDOM:
“I'll bring the forces of hell down on you."

It's December 20th and that means one thing - it's cameraman Dave Dorsett's 37th anniversary at CBS! For some reason his anniversary seems to come around every 4 months. Dave started at CBS in 1965; his first job was a camera operator for the soap, "The Secret Storm." Dave the host invites Dave the cameraman to partake in the Quarterback Holiday Challenge by throwing a football at the meatball top-piece of the Late Show Christmas tree. Dave Dorsett threw and missed. Even though he missed badly, the Cincinnati Bengals offered him a contract anyway.

It may be Dave's last chance to do so, so he shows it again. It's the Osama bin Laden video Christmas card. We see Osama and his sidekick singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas."

Dave then invites Felicia from the CBS Orchestra to try her hand at the Quarterback Holiday Challenge. Catching the ball like a pro, Felicia then takes aim and fires. If the toss was only a little higher and to the right, Felicia may have come close. Even though she did not knock off the top piece, the Cincinnati Bengals offered her a contract anyway.

CBS MAILBAG
LETTER #1: From Jeremy Byrd of Hot Coffee, Mississippi
"Dave, What do you like to do for fun?"
Dave loves the TV and he saw something a little odd the other day on the CNN. President Bush reactivated the Star Wars anti-missile defense program and they started doing some testing. Luckily, Dave had the TIVO on and was able to capture the moment. We see the earth, that beautiful blue orb. A missile flies by, followed by a Star Wars anti-missile to intercept and destroy it. The anti-missile misses the missile and hits the moon. The official response from the Defense Department: "Oops."

LETTER #2: From Ron Sertz of Erie, Pennsylvania
"Dave, My two daughters just moved to New York City. Could you or Rupert check to see how they're doing?"
Dave loves to help the home viewers, so that's why he gave Rupert the address and asked if he could go check up on Mr. Sertz's daughters in Brooklyn. Dave asks Rupert how it went? Rupert said it went great and then rubs his chin, which is the universal sign for a gliss and memory sequence. We see a clip of Rupert walking down the hall of an apartment building. He knocks on the door of apartment 2S. A woman answers. Rupert says he is checking to see if the woman or her sister needs anything? The woman calls her sister over, her eyes widen, then seductively invites Rupert inside. We go back LIVE to Dave, who says, "Rupert, that was apartment 2S. Mr. Sertz's daughters live in apartment 2R." Rupert thespianly responds, "Do I look like I give a rat's ass?"

If you are wondering how I was assisting at the Hello Deli, I was Rupert's acting coach.

LETTER #3: From Kris Koskellin of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
"Dear Dave, Does any of the Late Show staff hang mistletoe in their offices during the holiday season?"
Who would hang mistletoe at the Late Show? Our announcer Alan Kalter, of course. We got a clip from our security camera. We see Alan proudly standing under his hanging mistletoe. Late Show staffers walk by as if hard at work. Alan is seen and heard saying, "Hey look, everyone, mistletoe! You know what that means. Look, mistletoe. Who wants to kiss Alan? Look, I'm standing under mistletoe." Our staff botany expert says to Alan, "Alan, that's poison ivy."
We cut back LIVE to Dave who asks, "How are you feeling, Alan?" Alan is pocked with the poison ivy all over his face. He mumbles, "The swelling in my tongue has nearly gone down."

LETTER #4: From Jeff Dearman of Winchester, Massachusetts
"Dear Dave, Would you consider running for President?"
Dave says he wouldn't (phew), but says this was quite a week for Presidential politics. Al Gore announced he wouldn't be running in 2004. Late Show writer Gerard Mulligan shares his thoughts on the subject. Mr. Mulligan enters and speaks directly to the camera to Al Gore:

"Al, like millions of Americans, I'm disappointed by your decision. But my disappointment is different from that felt by most. You see, I'm a 58-year-old comedy writer who's just too tired to work very hard. You're boring, you can't stop kissing your wife. If you're not in the race, I and other writers will have to learn about new candidates and spend a lot more time writing new jokes - some of which might not even by cliches. Please, Al, reconsider. But don't do it just for me..." (little boy enters) "...I want you to meet the actor we're pretending is my son, Kevin."
Kevin: "Did Al Gore ruin Christmas, Dad?"
Mulligan: "I hope not, son. It's the holidays, Al. Give me and every American the greatest gift of all; tired predictable comedy. God bless us, everyone."

And that was mailbag for Friday, December 20, 2002.

TOP TEN: "Questions to Ask Yourself Before Jumping Out of a Helicopter" - and to present tonight's top ten list, ten paratroopers from the Army's Special Operations Command and 18th Airborne Corps from Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

Helping out tonight:
#10. Sergeant First Class Michael McCrann
#9. Sergeant First Class Donna Mungia
#8. Staff Sergeant Shawn Broe
#7. Staff Sergeant Dwight Simon
#6. Staff Sergeant Jessica Riggins
#5. Specialist Jacob Canterbury
#4. Specialist Justin Ford
#3. Sergeant Zach Wobler
#2. Sergeant First Class Scott Pitkin
#1. Private First Class Ryan Delaney

The soldiers were participating in the annual Fort Bragg Toy Drop, which collects thousands of toys each year for children in need.

LIV TYLER: Dressed in all black. Liv is getting married next year but can't decide if she wants a big wedding or a small affair. She's marrying a Roy Langdon from Spacehog. (That probably means something to a lot of you.)
I went to a lot of weddings in my 20's. In my 30's it was Christenings. In my 40's it's now funerals. When you hit 50, it repeats: your friends' children's weddings in your 50, their Christenings in your 60's, and your friends' funerals in your 70's. In your 80's it repeats once again.
Liv says she gave up smoking this past summer. She started smoking at the age of 14 and quit the day after her 25th birthday. The best way to keep kids from smoking - tell them it causes acne. It's more immediate. You're not afraid of lung cancer in your teens. Spending $5 for a pack of cigarettes is God's way of saying you have too much money. Dave tells a story about the first time he met Liv. She says she doesn't remember it. It was back when she was a teen. They were both on vacation. Dave and Liv spoke and Dave learned that Liv was in a bad mood because the pool boy would never leave the area when she wanted to go for her morning swim in the nude. Liv laughed an embarrassed laugh claiming not to remember the story. She didn't deny it, only that she couldn't remember it.
Liv is starring in the big "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" movie. It's a low-key student film that's depending on word-of-mouth for their advertising. Look for it at the next film festival near you.

JAY THOMAS: He's here to take part in the annual Quarterback Holiday Challenge of knocking the meatball top-piece off the Late Show Christmas tree. The tradition began back in 1998 when we had New York Jets quarterback Vinnie Testaverde on the show. Vinnie was to throw a football at the pastrami sandwich top piece and knock it off the tree. Vinnie missed his first 3 attempts. Jay Thomas, who was a guest that night, ran from his dressing room to the stage. "Here, let me show you how it's done!" he cried. Jay took a football and bashed the sam'wich on his first throw. He waved goodnight and was gone, gone before we could thank him Jay's been invited back every year since then, with a special Christmas in July Quarterback Holiday Challenge this past summer.

Jay begins to chitchat but Dave cuts him off, imploring, "Tell the Lone Ranger story! Tell the Lone Ranger story!" Jay tells the Lone Ranger story.
Many years when Jay was a radio DJ in Charlotte, he would "open" new car dealerships for a few bucks on the side and advertisement for the radio station. Jay was there with a fellow DJ and they smoked the funny-smoke to pass the time. They were both wacky on reef. Also attending the opening was Clayton Moore, the world famous Lone Ranger. Clayton never appeared in public without his Lone Ranger costume, always playing the part. At the end of the day, Clayton's ride home never arrived and needed a lift. Jay and his pal Mike said they would do him the favor. With Jay at the wheel of his little Nova and Clayton in the back, they made their way home. Along the way, a car bumped into Jay's and kept on going. Jay was irate and gave chase. Dodging in and out between cars, the Nova kept up with the fleeing bumper-denter. Miles down the road, Jay is finally able to stop the guy. Jay and his friend Mike jump out of the car, the other guy jumps out of his. They are nose to nose. Jay threatens to call the cops. The guy says, "Go ahead. Who are the cops gonna believe? A couple hippies?" With that, Clayton Moore in his Lone Ranger outfit gets out of the car and with hands on hips says, "They'll believe me!" The guy's eyes nearly jump out of his head. He cries out, "I didn't know it was you!"

We go to commercial and prepare for the big Quarterback Holiday Challenge. We find Dave and Jay all set to go. They each begin tossing. They each begin missing. Before the show I paced off the distance from the throwing spot to the tree. It is approximately 21 feet. Depending on editing, Jay knocked the meatball off the tree on his 3rd, 5th or 15th attempt. Following this exhibition, neither Dave nor Jay received a called from the Cincinnati Bengals.

ACT 5: DWIGHT THE TROUBLED TEEN - What's Dwight doing on Christmas Eve? He says he's going to hang out in the parking lot with his friends. Alan invites him to Christmas dinner at his house. Dwight isn't keen on the idea and says that he not only hates Alan, but he hates everyone. Dwight exits. But before you can say "Jack Robinson," Dwight returns to wish all a very Merry Christmas. Alan and Dwight give a cheerful wave.

DARLENE LOVE: Dave has said it many times before, "It's not Christmas till he hears Darlene Love singing ‘Christmas, Baby Please Come Home." She once again gives an inspiring and soulful rendition. You can't help but get a chill.

Dave billboards Monday's show. "Join us Monday with our guests, Kelly Ripa, Emmitt Smith, and Missy Elliott. Smells like a rerun to me!"

Merry Christmas, everybody! We'll see you next Thursday.

And that was our show for Friday, December 20, 2002. Wahoo EXTRA!

From Thursday's "Who Asked For It?"
Who's John Ward? He was writer Steve Young. But who is John Ward? He's a friend of Steve's from Los Angeles, a fellow record collector. They equally enjoy the old G.E. industrial recordings, a niche market if ever there was one. Steve says that John would have enjoyed the silicon reference. Steve also said he had a lot more in the tank if Dave wished to pursue information about G.E.'s silicon division.

Have you ever seen HBO's "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel"? Bryant is the host and the show features a "60 Minutes" - "20/20" type sports story by a reporter. My favorite part of the show is when they come out of the videotaped story and we find Bryant and the reporter sitting together to begin their final 2-minute chat. There's Bryant sitting cross-legged with 20 pages of prop notes on his lap and pen in hand. Oh, and just as they come out of the videotape, Bryant will look up from the notes as if deep in study. It's great acting.

Update on the nicest person: The other day I wrote how of all the rock stars my wife Denise met when she worked in radio, the nicest was Rod Stewart. She wants me to add that the nicest person of all the celebrities she met was Meryl Streep. Also, George Carlin was very nice to an intern at WABC. So the "Celebrites Who Are Nice When The Camera Is Off" list thus far includes:
Rod Stewart.
Meryl Streep.
George Carlin.

SNAPPLE UNDER-THE-CAP FUN-FACT OF THE DAY
#63. "The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime."
And now the humorous comment: "And most it while talking to me."

This morning Danielle told me and Denise that it was Pajama Day in her 1st grade class, so we dressed her up in pajamas and sent her out to the bus. Sitting here now I can only hope she wasn't lying.

Paul's "O Holy Night"? More like, "No Holy Night."

Looking for something to do this weekend and next? Check out the Bob Borden website at www.bobborden.com. It's all Bob all the time...but don't let that stop you. Tell him the Wahoo Gazette sent you.

It's a Mike McIntee tradition that is becoming quite popular. Every Christmas Eve when all my shopping is done, I head over to the mall, get a malted, and sit back and relax. Listening to the soft sound of the "Silent Night" mall music, I watch as angry and frustrated shoppers scream, push, curse, and fight to get their last-second shopping completed. The juxtaposition of the blessed music with the irate Christians is quite entertaining.
If you want to become an active participant in the above, walk around the parking lot, twirling your keys around your finger, and watch the line of cars following you wanting your parking spot. May I suggest changing direction and circling back often while you go? And the slower you walk, the more fun it becomes.

You can find me at the Palisades Mall all day Tuesday.

HOME DEPOT UPDATE: Friday December 20, 2002 - I am still waiting for my 4X6 laminate. I'm betting the order was never processed. The second order was placed on November 29th. In a day or two I may cancel the order all together. The old table top isn't looking so bad after all.

MONDAY'S REPEAT:
From November 12, 2002: Kelly Ripa, Emmitt Smith, and Missy Elliott.
TUESDAY - NO SHOW
WEDNESDAY'S REPEAT:
From November 18, 2002: It's the Schoharie Show! With Kevin James and Matchbox 20.