"A woman stopped me on my way into the Ed Sullivan Theater this morning begging me for a photograph. Her husband took our picture. She says, 'Thank you. I'm such a big fan of yours, Regis."
Tom played high school football. "One time during a game, my friends were in the stands yelling, 'We want Dreesen. We want Dreesen. We want Dreesen.' The coach called my over. He said, 'Dreesen, go in the stands.' I said, 'Why?' He says, 'Because your friends want you more than I do.'"
Tom went to his high school reunion and met his Algebra teacher. "So I said to him, 'X to the 5th power times X to the 5th power equals X to the 10th power because went multiplying exponents you add the exponent.' My algebra teacher was very impressed. And then I told him that's the first time in my life I ever needed to use it."
They've invented a new hand grenade that destroys everything within a two-mile radius. Now all they need it to find a guy that can run 3 miles in 5 seconds.

Tom spent St. Patrick's Day in Las Vegas. There were 100,000 Irishmen in town. It's the only day in Las Vegas where they comp your gambling but you pay for your drinks.

Tom then went on a spiel about Ol' Dirty Bastard. Tom's daughter says that is his real name. Tom was trying to picture the ODB as an infant. A neighbor would ask, "Oh what a sweet boy. What is his name?" "Ol' Dirty Bastard." Tom then compared the lyrics of a Sinatra song to that of one sung by Ol' Dirty Bastard.

On his flight into New York, Tom read an article about "How To Impress A Woman." Tom read from his self-written blue card (he'll be hearing from my Union delegate) a list of ways to impress a woman. Some ideas include: Wine her, dine her, be kind to her, send her flowers, give her a massage, etc." The list took up both sides of his blue card. Tom then read from a list of "How To Impress A Man." The list includes these 3 items: "Show up naked, bring food, and don't block the TV."

Los Angeles has a problem with the killer bees. Experts say the only way to combat the killer bees is to mate them with a more docile bee. Does that really make sense? It's like mating a serial killer with Marie Osmond.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND: from the huge FOX television series, "24." The show runs in real time, 24 episodes, each episode covering one hour of the Kiefer character's life. I was thinking that the next 24 hours of the World would make an interesting program. It's currently running on CNN.
Kiefer grew up in Canada where everyone plays hockey. Kiefer says he likes to play in the Celebrity Hockey games. For those keeping count at home, that's two consecutive days of "Celebrity Hockey" being mentioned. Tom says he recently met Wayne Gretzky on a flight. Tom and Kiefer talked about the Great One's fear of flying compared to his great control on the ice.
Kiefer admits to being afraid of performing in front of a live audience, and admits to being somewhat uncomfortable here on the show. Some years back he performed in "The Glass Menagerie." The Sunday matinees were frequented by the senior citizen set. Sometimes the electronics in the theater would create havoc with their hearing aids and the audience would shriek from the piercing feedback at the oddest of times.

And now my story about hearing aids: My brother's 7th grade math teacher, Mr. Alexander, had a hearing aid. Every so often the class would make believe they were talking but would not say anything. Their mouths would move as if talking but they would remain mute. As soon as Mr. Alexander would adjust his hearing aid the class would scream at the top of their lungs. He would quickly fumble around to turn it down. Whenever he told that story I remember thinking I couldn't wait to get to Junior High School. Hey, we were kids.

Kiefer is also about to appear in a new film, "Phone Booth," which opens April 4th. We see a clip. In the clip, we see the character on a New York City payphone talking to the operator. He says he is at the corner of 53rd and 8th. From my window as I type this, I can see the street corner they are talking about.

And now my Phone Booth story. When I was a teen in high school, we only had one phone in a house of 8 people. The phone was in the kitchen on the wall and it was on a short cord. Privacy was out of the question. When it was time for me to court this certain girl, I decided to ride my bike to the nearest gas station and call her from a phone booth. I couldn't risk being giggled at by my siblings just because I was talking on the phone with a girl. I call her from the gas station and everything is going just fine. We talked. We laughed. Then the automated operator broke in and said, "Please deposit 5 cents for the next 3 minutes." Of course the girls kept asking, "What was that? What was that? Did you hear something?" Stupid me didn't bring any back-up change. Who knew I would be on the phone that long? I quickly said a quick goodbye and told her I would see her in Home Room the next day. And how does this story end? That woman now goes by the name of Mrs. Michael McIntee.

I hope Kiefer's "Phone Booth" story is more interesting than mine.

FRANK GORSHIN: He's the Riddler! He's also starring in a one-man play at Broadway's Helen Hayes Theater on West 44th Street entitled, "Say Goodnight Gracie." It's about the life and career of George Burns with his lovely wife Gracie. I saw the play in January and was very entertained by the work. Many around me that night were taken in by the performance. Near the end when it came to the part where "George" told the audience that Gracie had died, many in the audience went "awwwww." I even heard a sniffle. I found the audience reaction quite amusing. I spent most of the play trying to "see" the Riddler. Every so often he would turn or tilt his head a certain way and I would nudge my wife, "Did you see that? The Riddler. He looked like the Riddler for a second."

The last time Frank Gorshin was in the Ed Sullivan Theater was in 1964, the day the Beatles were on. He remembers looking out the window of the same dressing room he was in tonight thinking, "Wow, all those screaming girls are here for me." Frank has performed "Say Goodnight Gracie" 239 times so far and every night he receives a standing ovation. He says with some guilt that he was hoping for a longer musicians strike since his play would have continued and tickets would be in even higher demand. At least he got a weekend of SROs out of it.

Frank says to this day he is stopped by people recognizing him as the Riddler. He remembers one day walking around the studio lot in his purple Riddler costume with the huge question mark on his chest and a friend stopped him to ask, "Hi ya, Frank. You working?"

It's an old joke but it still works. I use it here whenever Gerard Mulligan is in a dress. I have a friend at home who is a huge Frank Gorshin fan. He loves Frank's impersonations. Oh yeah, you young 'uns may not know this but Frank Gorshin is a master impressionist. My friend's favorite is Frank's Burt Lancaster. I laughed a hearty laugh when Frank did a few Burt's near the end of the segment.
Man, I enjoyed Frank Gorshin probably a lot more than I expected. I loved the old show biz professionalism between Frank and Tom. Loved it.

SUZANNE WESTENHOEFER: a very funny lesbian. She has a new CD coming out next week entitled, "Guaranteed Fresh." I hope she's back soon.

THE MUSIC: From their new CD, "The Music", The Music sang "Take the Long Road and Walk It." I must be going through a mid-life crisis. I liked it. I may be wrong but I think their song was originally done by Vic Damone.

And that was our show for Tuesday, March 18, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

Tom Dreesen ? good job. A true pro. He did his act during the monologue and continued it at the desk. And I was entertained.

I'm looking through my local "Rockland County Journal News" newspaper this morning. I come across the printed report of the recent Town of Clarkstown Town Board meeting. Halfway down I read the following:
"Install 10 'No Turn On Red" signs at 7 locations in Nanuet and New City at a cost of $450 per sign."

So I quickly got out my pencil and pad, scratched out a mathematical formula, and figured out that the installation of 10 signs would cost the Town of Clarkstown $4,500. I scratched my head perplexed, and then it suddenly came to me. "AHA!" I exclaimed. "This must be why Clarkstown taxes are so high!"

Could anyone in the business of town government and finance please tell me how and why putting up one sign would cost $450?

What does 1 "No Turn on Red" sign cost? There are hundreds across the state of New York so I'm sure it's not a special order. And what does it take to put in a sign? There might be one guy to dig a hole and two guys to watch, each making, what, no more than $20 an hour, tops. So how does it reach $450? Cement?

Wednesday's New York Post headline: p. 8

"Cops Plan Security Checkpoints at 96th Street"
- Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly announced that cop checkpoints will be set up at 96th Street on all southbound avenues in Manhattan if war breaks out. Kelly said, "Broadly speaking, we are tightening the protective net around New York City."
I laughed out loud reading this article. South of 96th Street is New York's posh Upper East Side. It is home to the city's richest residents. Plus, Gracie Mansion, the official home of the city's Mayor, is located at 91st Street. North of 96th Street is Spanish Harlem, home to many housing projects and lower class. Is the Commissioner really planning to put a "protective net around New York City"? No, only around the rich. Can't they disguise their obviousness a little better?

From Friday's Wahoo Gazette: "I was told that now is a good time to fertilize my lawn, while there is still a layer of snow on top. This way when the snow melts, the fertilizer will flow right into the ground. Is there any truth to this, you horticulturalist out there?"

I received this from Traci, a Wahoo reader and horticulturalist who is well versed in all "earthy" topics.

"Certified horticulturalist here. (BS in Horticulture and MS in Plant Biology from Purdue) While the advice sounds like a good idea, fertilizing over the snow isn't the best practice. Two problems with the theory. Firstly, most fertilizers are very soluble and the nitrogen component volatilizes quite rapidly. In other words, as the nitrogen dissolves in the melting snow it changes to a gas and evaporates before it ever reaches the soil. Secondly, at this point in your climate zone, grass is still dormant. Goosing it with a blast of fertilizer before it comes out of dormancy it useless. The grass is not actively growing, the fertilizer leaches out before the plants have a chance to take it up and you've wasted time and money."
Traci adds:
For detailed tips on lawn care check out Cornell Cooperative Extension......
http://www.hort.cornell.edu/gardening/lawn/almanac/
Traci Gilland
Horticulture Extension Agent, Virginia Cooperative Extension

Thank you, Traci. Any advice on the best way to plant my seeds?

One question about the NCAA March Madness. Louisville plays Austin Peay in the first round. Is it Austin "Pay" or Austin "Pee"? I've heard it both ways. And how do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Is it Loo-ville, or Louie-ville?