It's Paul's big night. After 12 years he gets to sit in the chair.

"Can you believe this? What are the odds I'd be available tonight?"
"It's an historic night here at the Ed Sullivan Theater. For the first time ever, CBS is allowing me to be photographed below the waist."
"Dave, if you're watching, there's been some changes since I took over. I fired two of the writers and gave the band a raise."
"How many of you watched the Oscars last night? Long show, and boring. I'm telling you, I felt like Queen Latifah's dress. I could barely stay up."
"Everyone had security concerns. Joan Rivers showed up wearing her bulletproof face."
"How about Michael Moore's speech? To give you an idea how unpopular it was, ten minutes after his speech he appeared in the Dead Actors montage."
"Did you hear about this? Monica Lewinsky is getting her own reality show on FOX. That's right. Every week a guy is voted off her."

Paul has something to say, and Paul speaks best in song:

"What kind of host am I, do I have what it takes?
Up 'til now all I've done is play songs into commercial breaks.
Now I've this task so grand, to entertain,
If I throw a pencil, will it hit the windowpane? (throws pencil, no sound effects)

What kind of man am I? And will I pass this test?
Or will viewers flip to Leno during my first guest?
I'll know I've nailed this gig but not 'til it's in the can
'Cuz only then I'll know what kind of host I am!

(spoken)
You know for 21 years, I've been off to the side, chained to my keyboards. There's been so much I've wanted to do, so many questions I've had. So many guests I was dying to ask, 'Are those real?' And Stupid Pet Tricks, I would clarify to the pets themselves, it's the tricks that are stupid, not the pets. They're fine. Bright, even! So many thinks I've wanted to get off my chest and tonight, this is my moment.

(back to song)
Can I swing like Vince Vaughn? Score like a McEnroe volley?
Will I ace this stunt like Bonnie Hunt or Megan Mullally?
Won't rock the top ten list like Dave Letterman,
But stay tuned - 'cuz tonight I'll boast the kind of host ?

(Paul throws pencil - glass breaks sound effects)

I am!"

BOB DOLE: Is happy with the progress we are making in Iraq. The civilian and military casualties have been kept to a minimum. When will the war be over? Answers the Senator, "When Saddam is gone." I think he had more to add but the applause cut him off.
Senator Bob Dole met Saddam 10 years ago. Dole described the Iraqi leaders as "a mad man, a bad man." Saddam offered to take Dole and some other Senators up in a helicopter to peruse the country side and to witness how much Saddam is loved by his people. Luckily, one of the Senators decided it wouldn't be a good idea to go since he'd heard that many times the helicopter never comes back.

"Is Saddam alive?" - Dole wants to say "I hope not . . ." but catches himself by saying, "Well, you know I don't hope any . . . but this guy is an exception. I don't care if he slips in the bathtub . . ." Dole wouldn't say it but you know what he was getting at.
Paul wants to know what's the deal with the duct tape? Dole said he was lucky, he had some left over from World War II.
Reporters with the soldiers? Dole says it's our way of proving we aren't hiding anything in our war effort. Would he object to have reporters following him around during World War II? Says Bob, "Not if I could pick the reporter."

You can see Senator Bob Dole on the "60 Minutes" program debating the issues with former President, Bill Clinton. Paul wants to know, "Have you ever gotten the urge to say to him, like in the old "Saturday Night Live" bits, "Bill, you ignorant slut"? Dole laughs and says he hasn't gotten that urge yet.

I saw Senator Bob Dole before the show outside his dressing room. I can see why he was elected 5 times in Kansas. Man, what a nice guy! Funny, polite, friendly and very much the gentleman. Great guy.

CONNIE NIELSEN: Yowzer! She's purty! Paul opens with, "I've been meaning to ask you, 'Are those real?'" NO NO NO. Paul immediately takes back the joke and apologizes. He meant no harm. He was merely playing off the line from his opening song.
Connie is from Denmark and had a strict family upbringing. She was made to be always polite, swearing was never allowed, and she always wore skirts, "as you can see." Paul says, "I'm not looking down there."
Connie said her girlfriends always tried to make her talk dirty since she was not allowed to curse growing up. Paul also tried. She said something in Danish that sounded like "Feng Shui."
Connie was 18 years old when she performed her first on-screen kiss. It was with 66-year-old Jerry Lewis. I picture Jerry saying, "Come here, Laaaaaadyyyyyyyy. Oh, Laaaaaaadyyyyyyyy!" She ranks Mr. Lewis as a great kisser. Now there's something I bet you didn't expect to learn tonight.
Connie is in the new John Travolta movie, "Basic." It opens this Friday.

JEFF FOXWORTHY: He did his stand-up at the desk. He has a theory about men and hair. Men don't lose hair. It just grows in and comes out someplace else. He then talks about back hair, nose hair, and ear hair, subjects that had already been discussed at length in previous Wahoo Gazettes.
Paul asks if Jeff's wife is ever bothered when he refers to her in his comedy? Jeff says she doesn't mind at all. Jeff realizes that she has him fully trained and whatever he says and does is a result of that training. Not too long ago he and she were in bed. They were each reading a book. Jeff's wife says, "I'm hot." Without hesitation, Jeff put his book down, got up and walked over to turn on the ceiling fan. He then got back into bed. Not a word more was spoken. It was then that he first realized that he has been trained by his wife. Jeff wasn't hot, his wife was, yet Jeff is the one who got up to turn on the ceiling fan, something his wife could just as easily have done. It was also a sign that the Foxworthy's are no longer newlyweds. Years back, I imagine if Jeff's wife said while in bed, "I'm hot," the reaction from Jeff may have been a bit different.
Jeff has a new movie coming out this Friday entitled, "Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie." It's about a bunch of guys sitting around and letting the jokes fly. Using a musical reference, Paul describes it as a comedy jazz jam.

CAT POWER: From her new CD, "You Are Free", Cat Power sings "I Don't Blame You." At the end of the song, Paul runs over and thanks her for the lovely performance. Cat Power, making her network television debut, is too shy to show her face. She puts her hands to her face as we go to commercial.

Going into the last commercial break, Mike Smith plays a request from Paul, singing "Because." According to Paul, Paul and his wife Kathy fell in love listening to that song.

And that was our show for Monday, March 24, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

Very entertaining job by Paul. Loaded with questions, fun, interested, and always ready with something to say and ask. He made it look easy. I wonder if Dave will lead the band for a night when he comes back?

Do you want to see more of Mike Smith and his new group, the Rock Engine? Thursday night he'll be playing at the Grand Theater in Dubuque, Iowa; Friday at the Star Plaza in Merrillville, Indiana, Saturday at the Moondog Coronation Ball in Cleveland, Ohio, and Sunday at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio. It's Mike's first United States tour in over 30 years.

THE WAHOO GAZETTE ACADEMY AWARDS RECAP:
I didn't watch it.
And that concludes this year's edition of the WAHOO GAZETTE ACADEMY AWARDS RECAP

Nicole Kidman won Best Actress for her role in "The Hours." When a beautiful woman allows herself to be made to look ugly, people think that's great acting.

The above is just an observation. Outside of "Lilo and Stitch" I haven't seen one movie this year. I didn't see "The Hours." I'm sure Nicole deserved the Award.

Hollywood cheers and rewards child rapist Roman Polanski
I heard on the radio this morning Roman Polanski being described as an exile from the United States for having sex with a minor 25 years ago. That almost sounds kind of tame until you hear the more apt description: He raped a 13-year-old girl.

SNAPPLE UNDER THE CAP FUN FACT OF THE NIGHT:
#124 - "Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time."
And now the humorous comment:
"I guess they didn't watch the Academy Awards."