After the last joke, a man on fire runs across the stage screaming in pain. He then exits as quickly as he entered. I guess we never got the Bloomberg memo of no smoking in the theater.

During the pre-show Q and A, Dave asked the audience how many had ever been involved with a killer tornado. Dave was surprised to find that half the audience said they had. Dave found that hard to believe.

Tonight were going to try something new called, "The Late Show Raw Oyster Challenge." Rupert and George Clarke are at the Famous Oyster Bar on 54th and 7th Avenue and both will be eating as many oysters as they can stomach. Dave says he will also ask them if they had ever faced a killer tornado. Paul says the odds are one of them has. Paul snuck in a funny. Paul was especially "on" tonight. Very funny all night long.
Before visiting the Oyster Bar, Dave tries a plate of oysters himself. He likes the oysters, but is afraid the first one may have been sitting around too long, questioning its freshness. Not deterred, Dave tries another. Paul is surprised that Dave is going back for more. "You got balls," applauds Paul.

THE LATE SHOW RAW OYSTER CHALLENGE. We pay a visit to the Famous Oyster Bar at 842 7th Avenue at the corner of 7th Avenue. The challenge pits out building engineer George Clarke vs. the owner of the Hello Deli, Rupert Jee. The Oysters: Blue Point Oysters from Long Island.

Dave says hello to our friends and asks, "Have any of you ever faced a killer tornado?" Rupert says no while George shoots his hand up. Yup, half of them said they had. George says he grew up in Texas "along tornado alley." This was met by applause from the audience. I'm not sure if it was for Texas or tornado alley.

After the hello and setting the scene, we come back to Dave. Before going back to the boys, Dave introduces a new piece called, "Not a 10 Year Highlight." Over the past 10 years, many wonderful and exciting things have taken place on our stage and show. The following was NOT a highlight from the past 10 years.
We cut to a clip from September 24, 2002 - the Civil War re-enactment on 53rd Street. - The Battle of Cedar Creek.
I remember it sounded like a good idea.

On August 27, Mars and the earth will be closer to each other than ever in the past 60,000 years. NASA created a simulation of what that may look like. We cut to the animation as both earth and Mars near each other. They tap and carom. You then hear the sound of a car alarm.

It's tough to catch a TV audience in the summer, but CBS has come up with a new promo in hopes of garnering some numbers.

"Tonight on CBS! At 8, they're on camera 24/7 and there's nothing to hide. 'Big Brother.' Then at 9, it's another unimaginative reality show where the premise is pretty much like 'Big Brother' except the girls dress much sluttier.
And at 10 o'clock, it's a rerun of a program no one watched the first time. (Judging Amy). It's all here . . . only on CBS."

We go back to the Famous Oyster Bar and George and Rupert slurp their first oyster. George has never eaten oysters before; Rupert is familiar. They each try an oyster and George doesn't look well.
Dave: "What do you think, George?" George grimaces and politely says, "I don't know." They try a couple more as George is already breaking out in the cold sweats. We'll check back in after commercial.

Back to the Oyster Bar and we find George waving the white flag, "No more. No more." How many did George eat? "8 or 9." Rupert? He's up to 20.
Before we go any further, Alan tells us what Rupert and George are playing for tonight. "Dave, it's a brand new speed boat!"

Some Oyster eating fun facts:
The world record for eating oysters is held by Tommy "Muskrat" Greene of Deale, Maryland, consuming 288 oysters in 1 minute, 33 seconds. (24 dozen). Tommy "Muskrat" Greene is also the world record holder for snail-eating. Makes me squeamish to think why they call him "Muskrat."

PAT FARMER'S GAFFE ALERT: our stage hand Pat Farmer likes to go to the movies to find inconsistencies and mistakes in the film. He always finds something, and then brings it back to the show for this exciting feature.
PAT: "Hi, and welcome to 'Pat Farmer's Gaffer Alert'. Today we will be looking at and eye-popping error I found in the Jennifer Lopez/Ben Affleck underworld comedy, 'Gigli.' 'Gigli' is the story of two mob lackeys on an assignment that turns to be anything but routine. Watch closely and see if you can spot the mistake."
We see a clip from the film, "Gigli."
Back to Pat.
PAT: Did you find it? They thought people would pay money to see this crap."

TOP TEN: MIKE TYSON FINANCIAL MISTAKES - After earning over $300 million in the boxing ring, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson filed for bankruptcy on Friday.
#6. To get in on the action, sued himself for $50 million.

Back to Rupert and George, we get an update. Rupert is now up to 25. For no real reason, Dave says nothing more as the camera stays on Rupert and we watch him eat.

COLIN FARRELL: He's the new Hollywood badboy. Careful, Colin. I have two words for you: Mickey Rourke. Dave thanks Colin for cleaning himself up for the show. I have the same clothes at home that Colin was wearing tonight, but I only wear them when painting the house. Although Colin looked ragged and slouched lazily in his chair, he was energetic and desired to be entertaining.
Colin says he met Peter O'Toole recently who got him in a headlock and slapped him around a bit. Colin says, "I don't' know if it's because he liked me or what?" Dave responds, "I recognize that instinct." The audience slowly recognized and applauded the remark, though I think most didn't understand it.
Colin is starring in the "S.W.A.T." film which opens Friday. And what does "S.W.A.T." stand for? Special Weapons and Tactics. It's a real police action shoot-em-up.

ACT 5: "It's time for Alan Kalter's "That's Annoying!'" Alan begins clucking like a chicken.
"This has been Alan Kalter's 'That's Annoying!' Thanks for watching and tell your friends."
Come to think of it, Alan Kalter's "That's Annoying" could work if he just sat there and did nothing.

ROBERT RANDOLPH AND THE FAMILY BAND: From their new CD, "Unclassified," Robert Randolph & the Family Band sang, "I Need More Love." It's worth buying. I'll be putting this CD in my collection. I liked it. And I wasn't the only one. This is their write-up in today's New York Post:

ROBERT RANDOLPH AND THE FAMILY BAND: 'UNCLASSIFIED'
By DAN AQUILANTE
August 5, 2003 --
Robert Randolph and the Family Band
"Unclassified"
Warner Bros.
There was a time when you flipped on an FM rock station and could hear Sly and the Family Stone followed by a Santana song, followed by some Allman Brothers joy. That kind of sound doesn't happen anymore unless you're listening to "Unclassified" the debut album of the amazing Robert Randolph and the Family Band.
Randolph plays pedal steel guitar, an instrument that's mostly found a permanent spot in only country and Hawaiian outfits. In his music, Randolph uses pedal steel as if it was a church organ stepping out on Saturday night for some funk 'n' roll.
There isn't a bad song on this disc, but to hear the full instrumental of the pedal steel, listen to Randolph's masterpiece "Calypso." As a vocalist he makes his best marks on the raw funk of "I Need More Love

He gave Randolph's "Unclassified" 4 stars.

Back to the Famous Oyster Bay
Final tally:
George Clarke: 11 oysters
Rupert: 30 oysters
Tommy "Muskrat" Greene's record is safe for another day.

And that was our show for Tuesday, August 5, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

Another great parallel park this morning, and I had witnesses! As I'm pulling in to the spot, Late Show staffer Bob Borden walked by. He quickly approaches my window and says, "Be careful. There's a guy sitting in the car in front of you." I thanked him but didn't need the heads-up. My parallel parking in unparalleled. I whooshed right in with mere inches between my car and the one in front of me and the one in back. There is nothing better to start the day than a good clean parallel park. I now bypass the roomy parking spots in search for tighter ones.

Perhaps Bob Borden has a take on my parking job this morning. You can find out by checking out his website at www.bobborden.com, where it's "All Bob All The Time." But don't let that stop you.

After my successful parallel park, what better way to celebrate than with a doughnut? I head over to the corner doughnut cart at 53rd and Broadway. Waiting on line were 10 people. 10 people waiting for a doughnut and coffee! What's wrong with people? Doesn't time have any importance to these people? Is a doughnut really worth waiting 10 minutes for? My cutoff mark for waiting for a doughnut is two people. If there are more than 2 people in front of me, I forego the doughnut. Maybe it's my advanced age but 'time' is my most important commodity. I hate wasting it, unless of course it involves beer.

Speaking of wasting time, I fell asleep in front of the television last night. I woke to find a Wesley Snipes movie on the HBO, entitled "Liberty Stands Still." He's a sniper holed up in a warehouse with a gun aimed on Linda Fiorentino, who is handcuffed to a hot dog cart that is equipped with a bomb. She has something to do with running illegal guns. His daughter was killed by a gun. After an hour and a half of Wesley Snipes holed up in the warehouse and Linda Fiorentino chained to a hot dog cart, I decided the outcome wasn't important enough to stay up for.
I was going to turn on the TV in the morning to see if the standstill was still going on, but like I said, I felt the outcome wasn't important enough.
It reminded me of that phonebooth movie that came out earlier this year, the one with Keifer Sutherland in it, and coincidentally, Colin Farrell. But instead of the phonebooth, "Liberty Stands Still" dealt with a cell phone.

Jonathan Swift once said: "It was a bold man who first ate an oyster."