The President was in town today to make a speech to the United Nations General Assembly. He was here to ask assistance in the reconstruction of Iraq and to set aside past differences over the U.S.-led invasion. We see a clip of the speech and those in attendance. Son of a gun if it wasn’t Saddam Hussein in the Assembly. Once again we let him slip through our fingers.

Our President was up to his old tricks, cozying up to the audience during a recent speech with a joke. Or at least it sounded like a joke. “Sometimes it’s not easy being a friend of George W. Bush. I know that.....if you know what I mean.”

No, we don’t.

In case you missed it last night, we decided to show it again. In fact, even if you did see it last night it was fun to see once more. We see the President making a speech.
“We’re dong a better job of communicating. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doing.” The President references his right hand when he says “left hand,” and references his left hand when he says “right hand.”

And that’s not all.

We had so much fun with this a few weeks ago that Dave decided he wanted to take another look at it today. It's the George W. Bush Clip of the Night. It’s a shot of the President walking along the White House lawn, we believe. As he is walking, he gives a quick look behind and then to the side. He then spits like a baseball player with a mouthful of chaw.

Smile, Mr. President, you're on Candid Camera. For you kids, Candid Camera is an idea stolen from Punk'd and The Kennedy Experiment.

Many viewers are asking for a copy of the above clip. Well, if you taped the LATE SHOW every night like you are supposed to, you would have it already.

BIFF HENDERSON’S AMERICA: We send Biff to a small town, USA, to spend a few days to get to know the folk. Biff’s first trip was to Bisbee, North Carolina in December of 1998. Other trips included:
Baker, Nevada.
Chinook, Washington
Turkey, Texas
Meeteetsee, Wyoming
Badger, Minnesota
Calhoun, Missouri
Franklin, Idaho
Whiting, Maine
Montross, Virginia
Denver, Indiana
Schoharie, New York
Palomar Mountain, California.

Tonight we showed Biff’s visit to Mayetta, Kansas: population 312.
Mayetta is 20 miles north of Topeka, Kansas; 85 miles west of Kansas City, Missouri.
First we find Biff at Judy’s Cafe. He asks a woman, “Do you think President Bush ever heard of Mayetta?” She answers, “No, he’s never heard of Kansas.”
We find a kid who thinks Dave’s glasses are goofy and everything about him as goofy. (Did we really have to travel all the way to Kansas to find a kid to say that?)
At the Post Office, Dave asks the clerk “Who in town receives Victoria’s Secret catalogs?”
She names names.
Biff wants to inhale some propane to make his voice sound funny. After doing so, a guy tells him that only works with helium. “What happens when you inhale propane?” The guy says, “It’ll kill you.” (Please don’t try this at home, kids) We later find Biff playing blackjack at a casino. You might say he lost his shirt. And finally Biff heads over to Thunderhill Speedway to race a local around the track. We see 12-time NCRA champion Larry McDaniels challenge Biff. They rev their engines and off they go. Larry drives some kind of hot rod; Biff is in his Winnebago. Larry dusts the Biff. And then Biff says goodbye to our friends in Mayetta, population 312.

Our announcer Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen, prepared something new for the show entitled “Alan Kalter’s What’s On TV?” It’s a quick review of what’s new on CBS this fall season.
Two and a Half Men – a bachelor life is turned upside down when his brother and nephew come to live with him. Alan wants to know what the guy is complaining about. Alan goes home every night to a dark apartment and a 19-year-old cat that can’t see out of his right eye.
The Handler – an FBI agent who goes undercover to solve mysteries. Alan wants to know if the Handler can investigate why the damn Clairol box reads “Autumn Chestnut” and yet his hair still comes out this freak orange.
Navy NCIS – a team of special agent who investigate military crimes – Alan wants to know what the hell is wrong with paying for sex.

By this time Alan began to go off in a tangent and Dave had to reel him back in. A still angry Alan ends with “Ah, screw you, duck face.” TOP TEN: Surprises in President Bush’s Address to the United Nations.
#10. Admitted taking longer than expected to mismanage the rebuilding of Iraq.
#8. Kept referring to the United Nations as the International House of Pancakes.
#6. After a few brief remarks, turned it over to Dr. Phil who discussed weight loss.

BEN STILLER: The nice gentleman congratulates Dave for his 10 years at CBS. Ben says he first started watching Dave at the old show on NBC while Ben was still in high school. He and a friend attended a show and snuck down to the green room and hung out with the night’s guests. He and his buddy sandwiched Jacqueline Bisset and Barry White looked at him funny. Also on the show that night: “Camping with Barry White: Responsibility or Privilege?” Donz? We learned that Ben Stiller is also a fan of the tennis and quite an accomplished player his own self. He recently played against Andre Agassi in a celebrity tournament. Ben brought a clip of the match. We see Andre, leading 6-0, 6-0, 5-0, and serving against Ben. Either the serve was that fast or Ben’s reaction was that slow because the serve hit Ben right in the nuts! Ouch! Not what he had in mind. Ben then did a great Super Dave Osborne impression when he muttered “That....that was the wrong clip.”
Ben also congratulates Dave on his upcoming baby. Ben excitedly says, “It’ll change your life!” Dave returns with, “And what if you don’t want your life changed?” I laughed good at that.
Ben is starring with Drew Barrymore in the Friday release of Duplex. It’s about a young couple moving into an apartment and wanting to expand the apartment into a duplex. Unfortunately, the upstairs apartment is occupied by an elderly woman who refuses to move out no matter how much Ben and Drew cajole and threaten the “sweet” old lady. Believe it or not, this happens all the time in New York. Usually it’s a landlord who wants the old lady to move out of her rent controlled apartment so he can slap a layer of new paint on the walls and raise the rent 15-fold.
Quite often you’ll find one tenant paying $1500 a month rent and right across the hall you’ll find an elderly paying $225 for the same apartment.

ELVIS COSTELLO: From his brand new CD in stores today, North, Elvis Costello performed “Still.”

Following the performance, Elvis sits with Dave as they discuss Elvis’ job as guest host during Dave’s March “hiatus.” Elvis also speaks highly of his relationship with Johnny Cash.
We also learn that Elvis is engaged to be married to singer Diana Krall, whom he met at last year’s Grammys. When is the wedding? “It’s a State secret” says Elvis. “In fact, George W. Bush was going to announce it today at the U.N. but he was too busy mixing up the names of countries.”

And that was our show for Tuesday September 23, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

The Tuesday morning traffic was so bad, when I left home it was summer and by the time I got to work it was fall.

Our audience tonight was made up entirely of people not running for Governor of California.

I’ve received an e-mail mocking my purchase of Seals and Crofts Greatest Hits as my very first album.

From Don Smith of Kingston, Ontario:

”I’m still chuckling to myself...the first album you ever bought was Seals and Crofts Greatest Hits! Not only that, but you ADMIT it!”

From the August 28, 2003 Wahoo Gazette:

“MAC Football – the new conference to watch!”

Meanwhile, Kent State lost to Penn State after leading 10-0 in the first quarter, and Bowling Green lost to last year’s NCAA Champions, the #5 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes, 24-17.

And what team is the Wahoo Gazette following this year? Ball State, of course, but also LSU. Find out why tomorrow.

And now another installment of “Wahoo Reader ‘Hang On Sloopy’ Memory”
From Sean Anglum of Colorado Springs, Colorado:

”I have played this song in innumerable (I love using that word, innumerable!) bands from the 60s through the early 80s. Lo and behold, a group of ex-band mates congregated last month on our deck to play for my wife Gwen's 50th birthday party. When, what should our wondering ears should appear, ‘Hang On Sloopy’ came cascading out of our instruments. And, boy, did we ever kick ‘zrr’ on that baby! ‘Rousing’ doesn't describe the version we put in on that rock'n'roll chestnut. Unfortunately, Birthday Girl was busy collecting gifts from her peeps and didn't hear a note. Oh well, those 3 (4 if you do the out progression the fancy way) chords never felt so good!”

Tonight’s guests: The Rock; and wife of the Vice President, Lynne Cheney.