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			Wednesday, October 29, 2003 Show #2065
			By Michael Z. McIntee	Change Text Color: Black \| White


	Keanu Reeves; and Sue Johanson. PLUS: George W. Bush Statesman; a top ten list; and CBS Mailbag. Sex expert Sue Johanson is on tonight’s program and Dave asks Paul if he has any questions for her. Paul says “I need her to recommend an ointment.” Dave says he will ask her, but disguise the queery by simply using the anonymous “a friend wants to know.” While billboarding the night’s program, Dave describes the Matrix movie as enigmatic, exciting, and thrilling. “It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you cry. It’ll make you think.” I quickly typed that down. I was hoping Dave would say that one more time during the show to describe The Matrix. “It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you cry. It’ll make you think.” If he said it one more time, I had something for him when talking to the sex expert, Sue Johanson. On a blue card I had typed: “I would describe having sex with me this way: ‘I’ll make you laugh. I’ll make you cry. I’ll make you think.’” Dave didn’t mention it again. This made the reference too obscure. The blue card went in the garbage. GEORGE W. BUSH STATESMAN: As President, every word, every gesture is scrutinized and dissected. Everything must be calculated. We see a recent example of George W. Bush, the Statesman. He is giving a speech. “Her job is also to deal interagency and to help unstuck things that may get stuck, is the best way to put it. She’s an unsticker.” MEET THE GOVERNOR: In tonight’s episode, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with a special interest group. We see a clip of the Governor cavorting around in a grass skirt. He’s a regular Nero. CBS MAILBAG: We are doing Halloween Costumes Friday night so we moved the mailbag to Wednesday. Helping out tonight is Stephanie Stephanie is dressed as an elf. Dave introduces her and she skips out in an elfin way. Paul accompanies the entrance with “Heartbreak Hotel” by Elvis Presley. Dave questions Paul’s choice of music, and Paul has to admit, “I thought I heard ‘Elvis.’ Not ‘elf.’” LETTER #1: From Peter Fooshay of Ottawa, Canada: “Dear Dave, Did you get a chance to rake your leaves yet?” Dave hasn’t raked any leaves yet, but he does love to look at the beautiful fall foliage. In fact, his friend Rupert was telling him about something similar. “Isn’t that right, Rupert?” Rupert says that every year around this time, he loves to see the beautiful autumnal colors. The change happens quite rapidly and he videotaped it. Rupert shows a clip. We see tourists galore running into Rupert’s Hello Deli. Rupert brings out a serving tray of Hello Deli cole slaw. “Okay, here it comes” he cries. The gathered mass watches the cole slaw closely. The slaw suddenly changes to green, red, orange, yellow, and brown. The tourists excitedly snap photos. LETTER #2: From Heather Rice of Indianapolis – Dave’s hometown. “Dave, Is there any show that you wish you could erase from 'Late Show' history?” No, there isn’t. Dave believes no matter how poorly a show may come out, there is always something to learn from the experience. Dave imagines that the entire staff feels the same way. Alan, our announcer Alan Kalter ladies and gentlemen, disagrees. “I can actually recall a show that went so badly, that it was like pulling teeth. Oh, yes. Let me see if I can remember. It started, as always, with the monologue, but that night the jokes were lamer than usual, and you seemed particularly off your game. It was utter silence from the audience. So you went and sat at the desk and then you yammered on and on about some pointless bull’djoy’. Then you started doing CBS Mailbag, but somehow that managed to be the worst thing yet. In fact, the loudest laugh that night came from the time when I said bull’djoy’ and even that was bleeped from the actual broadcast. The only thing that saved the show was me showing off my flowing mane of chest hair!” Alan then ripped open his shirt to exposed his burly and fuzzy red chest. Before proceeding to the next letter, Dave asks Stephanie, “Would you like to go over there are touch that?” If you listened closely, you could hear every female staffer go “ewwwwww!” Stephanie passed on the offer. LETTER #3: From Charles Brackner of Thorsby, Alabama. “Dear Dave, Have you ever wanted to go for a stroll in the park?” Dave says he takes walks all the time but the best way to get around the city is by taxi. Dave admits to being a bit worried that the New York cabbies are considering a strike. We have a taxi driver right outside who we can ask about the situation. We cut to 53rd Street to find a cab driver standing outside his cab. DAVE: “Tell me what your grievances are.” CABBIE: “The Taxi Commission gives us cabs that are in lousy condition. For instance, this one has a dent in the door that’s never been fixed.” (walks to the front of the cab) “And one of my headlights is busted.” (we see a bicyclist prone under the front of the cab) DAVE: “Excuse me, is he okay?” CABBIE: “No. He’s dead!” (laughs) “I got him pretty good, didn’t I?” DAVE: “Best of luck in the negotiations.” CABBIE: “Thanks, Chief.” LETTER #4 – Dave asks Stephanie to present the letter in a high elf voice. She repeats, “Letter #4” as if on helium. From Isabelle Martins of Paris, France: “David, Do you have nightmares?” Dave says everyone has nightmares. Dave admits to having one the other night that still haunts him. He was dreaming that he arrived at the office. . . . (fade to video clip) From Dave’s point of view we see that he is entering a hall way. A staffer looks at Dave with fright in his eyes. Dave’s POV continues down the hall and two female staffers look at Dave in quiet horror. Another staffer stops and asks, “Dave, are you feeling all right?” Dave’s POV walks into his office. He slowly makes his way to an office mirror. He looks into the mirror to discover . . . . HE LOOKS LIKE REGIS PHILBIN! “Dave” buries his face into his hands and screams “No! No! No!” And that was Wednesday night mailbag. Back from the commercial, we hear more Elvis Presley with Al Chez on horns. Dave salutes Al on a job well done. TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD IN THE MEETING BETWEEN JENNIFER LOPEZ AND MAYOR BLOOMBERG – yesterday at City Hall, J.Lo met with the Mayor in a meeting to attract more Latin media and entertainment into the city. There was a big front page photo of the Mayor and Ms. Lopez in today’s New York Post. #9. “I’m still in love with Ben Affleck. How about you, Jennifer?” #8. “Deep down, I’m still Bloomberg from the block.” #5. “That doesn’t feel like the key to the city, your honor.” #4. “I know I’m a multi-billionaire, but I still want the nice bucks I wasted on ‘Gigli.’” #3. “Baby, I should arrest you because you’re in New York City and you’re smokin’!” KEANU REEVES: Dressed in all black. His mom was on our show helping out with the Top Ten around Mothers Day. Keanu says her mom was a costume designer and Halloween was always a good time of year. She would make him the best costumes. One year he went trick-or-treating dressed as Dolly Parton from the cover of the October 1978 Playboy magazine, a men’s entertainment magazine. Keanu spends a lot of time in Australia where they shoot the Matrix movies. Although it’s a beautiful place, it is filled with things that can kill you. The sun will burn you, the sharks will kill you, the jellyfish will sting you, the spiders will poison you, and the flies are annoying and keep coming back. But the country is really pretty. Sounds just like a woman. The Matrix Revolutions opens Wednesday November 5th. The clip we see is of Neo fighting Smith. Keanu plays Neo. Three guesses who wins the fight. Will there be more Matrix movies? Well, the first one made $460 million. The Reloaded Matrix made $730 million. I have a billion reasons why there will probably be another Matrix after Revolutions. ACT 5: People in the audience who’d rather be somewhere else. SUE JOHANSON: she’s a sex expert. Her show, “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson” can be seen on the Oxygen Network. Dave admits to being a bit shy and reserved when it comes to discussing s-e-x. Sue Johanson lives by the credo, “You got nothing to lose so go for it.” (I used to live that way. It’s why I got kicked off the Force.) Sue spent the summer in Northern Toronto. She says company, like fish, stinks after 3 days. Dave asks, “When you go on vacation, do you have a lot of sex?” I was surprised at the lack of response from the audience. I expected a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ but the audience just listened and waited for an answer. Dave says he has a friend who has a problem and he thinks he may need an ointment. Ms. Johanson says there is a cream that makes the penis numb. Dave responds, “What if your thing already is numb?” Sue congratulates Dave on his soon-to-be fatherhood, but warns that things will be different. She says, “You’ll be hearing ‘not tonight, dear, I have a headache.’” Dave isn’t worried. “Oh, I’m used to that,” he says. What are some of the common questions asked on her program? Sue Johanson says the females ask, “How do I get an orgasm?” The men ask, “How can I make my penis larger?” (I guess if the men knew the answer to their question, the women wouldn’t need to ask theirs.) Dave hems, haws, and asks, “Just for the sake of conversation . . . . can anything be done about the latter?” Sue says there isn’t. I know of a couple ways, but it’s only temporary. Any odd questions on her program? Sue tells the story of a couple who wanted to do it on a railroad track and finish before the train came. I picture the guy saying to himself, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” And that was our show for Wednesday October 29, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA! Many pro baseball players have recently been accused of taking performance enhancement drugs. Not surprisingly, none were from the Detroit Tigers. My soon-to-be 8 year old Dominique loves to draw. She recently drew a scene of children watching television. The TV had bunny ears antennae. How does she know about bunny ears antennae? It would be like me at 8 drawing a car and it being a Model T. Here’s an e-mail I received back in December of 2002. Not sure why I kept it. From Bruce Jackson of Afton, Virginia: “The humming made by a fluorescent light is the note B natural. I didn’t know about the dial tone being an F.” Here’s an interesting baseball stat I saw during the World Series. Atlanta Braves: Tom Glavine’s post-season record: 12-15. Greg Maddux’s post-season record: 11-14. John Smoltz’s post season record: 13-4. Who knew Smoltz was SO much better than Glavine and Maddux in the playoffs? Now that the World Series is over, it’s time for the football season to start. Here are my thoughts on how NFL football is televised: I played organized football from 5th to 12th grade, quarterbacking my last 3 years, so I know a little something about the game. That said, when it comes to watching the pro game, I am at a loss. All I see is 22 guys butting heads. I have no idea who comes in for what plays, who goes out, and why? Even with my years of play, I really don’t understand the game. If FOX, CBS, and ABC want to increase my knowledge and increase my interest (and possibly increase my viewing) they should widen the camera in between plays, let us see who is coming in and going out for the next play, and explain why the moves are being made. We see enough replays and close-ups of the coaches and players. We don’t need that. Widen the shots in between plays and let us feel what it’s like to be at the game. Being told that the 49ers are bringing in an extra tight end as he is being sent in gives us time to “Play the Coach” and try to anticipate the next play. Being told the defense is sending in another down-rusher as he is being sent in sets up the situation and offers a better understanding of what is to come. When we are not told who is in on defense and offense until seconds before the snap, if we are told at all, it doesn’t offer us enough time to think about the upcoming play and situation. This causes the viewer to become a passive viewer and not an active participant in the game. Ooops. I think I just answered my own question. Passive vs. Active? Americans will opt for passive. And while they’re at it, they can explain the difference between a 3-4 defense and a 4-3 defense. I know the difference, but I doubt 80% of the viewers know. Each defense has its advantages and disadvantages. And that’s all I have to say about football. I’ll share my thoughts on hockey as soon as the season starts. Keanu Reeves; and Sue Johanson. PLUS: George W. Bush Statesman; a top ten list; and CBS Mailbag. Sex expert Sue Johanson is on tonight’s program and Dave asks Paul if he has any questions for her. Paul says “I need her to recommend an ointment.” Dave says he will ask her, but disguise the queery by simply using the anonymous “a friend wants to know.” While billboarding the night’s program, Dave describes the Matrix movie as enigmatic, exciting, and thrilling. “It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you cry. It’ll make you think.” I quickly typed that down. I was hoping Dave would say that one more time during the show to describe The Matrix. “It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you cry. It’ll make you think.” If he said it one more time, I had something for him when talking to the sex expert, Sue Johanson. On a blue card I had typed: “I would describe having sex with me this way: ‘I’ll make you laugh. I’ll make you cry. I’ll make you think.’” Dave didn’t mention it again. This made the reference too obscure. The blue card went in the garbage. GEORGE W. BUSH STATESMAN: As President, every word, every gesture is scrutinized and dissected. Everything must be calculated. We see a recent example of George W. Bush, the Statesman. He is giving a speech. “Her job is also to deal interagency and to help unstuck things that may get stuck, is the best way to put it. She’s an unsticker.” MEET THE GOVERNOR: In tonight’s episode, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with a special interest group. We see a clip of the Governor cavorting around in a grass skirt. He’s a regular Nero. CBS MAILBAG: We are doing Halloween Costumes Friday night so we moved the mailbag to Wednesday. Helping out tonight is Stephanie Stephanie is dressed as an elf. Dave introduces her and she skips out in an elfin way. Paul accompanies the entrance with “Heartbreak Hotel” by Elvis Presley. Dave questions Paul’s choice of music, and Paul has to admit, “I thought I heard ‘Elvis.’ Not ‘elf.’” LETTER #1: From Peter Fooshay of Ottawa, Canada: “Dear Dave, Did you get a chance to rake your leaves yet?” Dave hasn’t raked any leaves yet, but he does love to look at the beautiful fall foliage. In fact, his friend Rupert was telling him about something similar. “Isn’t that right, Rupert?” Rupert says that every year around this time, he loves to see the beautiful autumnal colors. The change happens quite rapidly and he videotaped it. Rupert shows a clip. We see tourists galore running into Rupert’s Hello Deli. Rupert brings out a serving tray of Hello Deli cole slaw. “Okay, here it comes” he cries. The gathered mass watches the cole slaw closely. The slaw suddenly changes to green, red, orange, yellow, and brown. The tourists excitedly snap photos. LETTER #2: From Heather Rice of Indianapolis – Dave’s hometown. “Dave, Is there any show that you wish you could erase from 'Late Show' history?” No, there isn’t. Dave believes no matter how poorly a show may come out, there is always something to learn from the experience. Dave imagines that the entire staff feels the same way. Alan, our announcer Alan Kalter ladies and gentlemen, disagrees. “I can actually recall a show that went so badly, that it was like pulling teeth. Oh, yes. Let me see if I can remember. It started, as always, with the monologue, but that night the jokes were lamer than usual, and you seemed particularly off your game. It was utter silence from the audience. So you went and sat at the desk and then you yammered on and on about some pointless bull’djoy’. Then you started doing CBS Mailbag, but somehow that managed to be the worst thing yet. In fact, the loudest laugh that night came from the time when I said bull’djoy’ and even that was bleeped from the actual broadcast. The only thing that saved the show was me showing off my flowing mane of chest hair!” Alan then ripped open his shirt to exposed his burly and fuzzy red chest. Before proceeding to the next letter, Dave asks Stephanie, “Would you like to go over there are touch that?” If you listened closely, you could hear every female staffer go “ewwwwww!” Stephanie passed on the offer. LETTER #3: From Charles Brackner of Thorsby, Alabama. “Dear Dave, Have you ever wanted to go for a stroll in the park?” Dave says he takes walks all the time but the best way to get around the city is by taxi. Dave admits to being a bit worried that the New York cabbies are considering a strike. We have a taxi driver right outside who we can ask about the situation. We cut to 53rd Street to find a cab driver standing outside his cab. DAVE: “Tell me what your grievances are.” CABBIE: “The Taxi Commission gives us cabs that are in lousy condition. For instance, this one has a dent in the door that’s never been fixed.” (walks to the front of the cab) “And one of my headlights is busted.” (we see a bicyclist prone under the front of the cab) DAVE: “Excuse me, is he okay?” CABBIE: “No. He’s dead!” (laughs) “I got him pretty good, didn’t I?” DAVE: “Best of luck in the negotiations.” CABBIE: “Thanks, Chief.” LETTER #4 – Dave asks Stephanie to present the letter in a high elf voice. She repeats, “Letter #4” as if on helium. From Isabelle Martins of Paris, France: “David, Do you have nightmares?” Dave says everyone has nightmares. Dave admits to having one the other night that still haunts him. He was dreaming that he arrived at the office. . . . (fade to video clip) From Dave’s point of view we see that he is entering a hall way. A staffer looks at Dave with fright in his eyes. Dave’s POV continues down the hall and two female staffers look at Dave in quiet horror. Another staffer stops and asks, “Dave, are you feeling all right?” Dave’s POV walks into his office. He slowly makes his way to an office mirror. He looks into the mirror to discover . . . . HE LOOKS LIKE REGIS PHILBIN! “Dave” buries his face into his hands and screams “No! No! No!” And that was Wednesday night mailbag. Back from the commercial, we hear more Elvis Presley with Al Chez on horns. Dave salutes Al on a job well done. TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD IN THE MEETING BETWEEN JENNIFER LOPEZ AND MAYOR BLOOMBERG – yesterday at City Hall, J.Lo met with the Mayor in a meeting to attract more Latin media and entertainment into the city. There was a big front page photo of the Mayor and Ms. Lopez in today’s New York Post. #9. “I’m still in love with Ben Affleck. How about you, Jennifer?” #8. “Deep down, I’m still Bloomberg from the block.” #5. “That doesn’t feel like the key to the city, your honor.” #4. “I know I’m a multi-billionaire, but I still want the nice bucks I wasted on ‘Gigli.’” #3. “Baby, I should arrest you because you’re in New York City and you’re smokin’!” KEANU REEVES: Dressed in all black. His mom was on our show helping out with the Top Ten around Mothers Day. Keanu says her mom was a costume designer and Halloween was always a good time of year. She would make him the best costumes. One year he went trick-or-treating dressed as Dolly Parton from the cover of the October 1978 Playboy magazine, a men’s entertainment magazine. Keanu spends a lot of time in Australia where they shoot the Matrix movies. Although it’s a beautiful place, it is filled with things that can kill you. The sun will burn you, the sharks will kill you, the jellyfish will sting you, the spiders will poison you, and the flies are annoying and keep coming back. But the country is really pretty. Sounds just like a woman. The Matrix Revolutions opens Wednesday November 5th. The clip we see is of Neo fighting Smith. Keanu plays Neo. Three guesses who wins the fight. Will there be more Matrix movies? Well, the first one made $460 million. The Reloaded Matrix made $730 million. I have a billion reasons why there will probably be another Matrix after Revolutions. ACT 5: People in the audience who’d rather be somewhere else. SUE JOHANSON: she’s a sex expert. Her show, “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson” can be seen on the Oxygen Network. Dave admits to being a bit shy and reserved when it comes to discussing s-e-x. Sue Johanson lives by the credo, “You got nothing to lose so go for it.” (I used to live that way. It’s why I got kicked off the Force.) Sue spent the summer in Northern Toronto. She says company, like fish, stinks after 3 days. Dave asks, “When you go on vacation, do you have a lot of sex?” I was surprised at the lack of response from the audience. I expected a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ but the audience just listened and waited for an answer. Dave says he has a friend who has a problem and he thinks he may need an ointment. Ms. Johanson says there is a cream that makes the penis numb. Dave responds, “What if your thing already is numb?” Sue congratulates Dave on his soon-to-be fatherhood, but warns that things will be different. She says, “You’ll be hearing ‘not tonight, dear, I have a headache.’” Dave isn’t worried. “Oh, I’m used to that,” he says. What are some of the common questions asked on her program? Sue Johanson says the females ask, “How do I get an orgasm?” The men ask, “How can I make my penis larger?” (I guess if the men knew the answer to their question, the women wouldn’t need to ask theirs.) Dave hems, haws, and asks, “Just for the sake of conversation . . . . can anything be done about the latter?” Sue says there isn’t. I know of a couple ways, but it’s only temporary. Any odd questions on her program? Sue tells the story of a couple who wanted to do it on a railroad track and finish before the train came. I picture the guy saying to himself, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” And that was our show for Wednesday October 29, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA! Many pro baseball players have recently been accused of taking performance enhancement drugs. Not surprisingly, none were from the Detroit Tigers. My soon-to-be 8 year old Dominique loves to draw. She recently drew a scene of children watching television. The TV had bunny ears antennae. How does she know about bunny ears antennae? It would be like me at 8 drawing a car and it being a Model T. Here’s an e-mail I received back in December of 2002. Not sure why I kept it. From Bruce Jackson of Afton, Virginia: “The humming made by a fluorescent light is the note B natural. I didn’t know about the dial tone being an F.” Here’s an interesting baseball stat I saw during the World Series. Atlanta Braves: Tom Glavine’s post-season record: 12-15. Greg Maddux’s post-season record: 11-14. John Smoltz’s post season record: 13-4. Who knew Smoltz was SO much better than Glavine and Maddux in the playoffs? Now that the World Series is over, it’s time for the football season to start. Here are my thoughts on how NFL football is televised: I played organized football from 5th to 12th grade, quarterbacking my last 3 years, so I know a little something about the game. That said, when it comes to watching the pro game, I am at a loss. All I see is 22 guys butting heads. I have no idea who comes in for what plays, who goes out, and why? Even with my years of play, I really don’t understand the game. If FOX, CBS, and ABC want to increase my knowledge and increase my interest (and possibly increase my viewing) they should widen the camera in between plays, let us see who is coming in and going out for the next play, and explain why the moves are being made. We see enough replays and close-ups of the coaches and players. We don’t need that. Widen the shots in between plays and let us feel what it’s like to be at the game. Being told that the 49ers are bringing in an extra tight end as he is being sent in gives us time to “Play the Coach” and try to anticipate the next play. Being told the defense is sending in another down-rusher as he is being sent in sets up the situation and offers a better understanding of what is to come. When we are not told who is in on defense and offense until seconds before the snap, if we are told at all, it doesn’t offer us enough time to think about the upcoming play and situation. This causes the viewer to become a passive viewer and not an active participant in the game. Ooops. I think I just answered my own question. Passive vs. Active? Americans will opt for passive. And while they’re at it, they can explain the difference between a 3-4 defense and a 4-3 defense. I know the difference, but I doubt 80% of the viewers know. Each defense has its advantages and disadvantages. And that’s all I have to say about football. I’ll share my thoughts on hockey as soon as the season starts.


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