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			Thursday, January 29, 2004 Show #2099
			By Michael Z. McIntee	Change Text Color: Black \| White


	Jennifer Aniston; and Ryan Adams. PLUS: Dave’s visit to Iraq; Parent Magazine; a Top Ten List; and Will It Explode? Dave calls Biff over to the guest chair and they discuss their visit, along with Paul, to Iraq over the holiday. It has become something Dave really enjoys and is filled with admiration and thanks for all our men and women in the Armed Forces do for us. Dave mentions some from the military who helped with the trip. Dave spent some time with a guy named Sean, who said, “Everyone calls me ‘bitch face.’” In Kuwait, some of the guys baked a cherry pie for him. According to Biff, it was tasty. Dave holds a photo of him eating at the Bob Hope Pavilion/Cafeteria. Sitting next to him is a guy named Colby. Dave directs our attention to himself in the photo and exclaimed, “Tell me I don’t look like I just got the crap beaten out of me.” Well, the energetic Colby was full of enthusiasm and had a lot to say and a lot to ask. At one point he says to Dave, “Do you know Jay Leno?” Dave says, “Yeah, I know Jay Leno.” Colby asks, “Is he bigger than you?” Dave says, “Well, he’s heavier. . .” Colby follows with, “Could you take him?” Dave laughs and sort of mumbles, “Yes . . . absolutely.” Another photo showed Dave at one of the many Saddam Hussein palaces he visited and this one had a nice pool. After horsing around with the soldiers and tossing footballs, Dave thought it would be neat to throw footballs into Saddam Hussein’s pool, and so he did. Dave seemed humbled by the visit. He says he found it fascinating, inspiring, and historical to be in such a place at that time. Biff included how proud he was of all the men and women who are serving. Dave, of course, agreed whole-heartedly. Dave tells the story of talking to one soldier who said he was in Afghanistan last year and is now in Iraq. Dave joked, “The military is really getting their money’s worth with you.” The soldier responded simply, “It has to be done.” Dave said although the soldiers seemed very happy to see Dave, Paul, and Biff, what they really wanted to know was where was the Grinder Girl? Paul makes a note to bring the G. Girl along next year. Following that, we did something new. Dropping items from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater Building 90 feet high, it was something we called, “Will It Explode?” On the roof is Pat Farmer with an assortment of items. #1. Industrial-sized metal cans of chocolate pudding. – Will it explode? Biff says yes, no, yes, no. Or maybe it was no, yes, no, yes. Did the pudding explode? The judges determined that, yes, the cans of pudding exploded. #2. Cantaloupe wrapped in bubble wrap. It was more of the same from Biff – not sure what he finally decided. Again, the judges rules the bubble-wrapped cantaloupe did explode. Back from commercial, Dave asks if we are familiar with the Crocodile guy, Steve Irwin. Over the weekend he fed a crocodile a chicken while holding his son under his other arm. The reaction has been immediate. Take a look. “The editors of ‘Parents’ magazine would like to announce their annual list of ‘Most Moronic Fathers.’ #3. Steve Irwin (holding baby under arm while feeding a chicken to a hungry croc.) #2. Michael Jackson (dangling baby over balcony) And the #1 most moronic father . . . #1. David Letterman. ‘Parents’ magazine – Be There!” WILL IT EXPLODE #3: Before dropping the next item, Dave says this piece needs the Grinder Girl and the Hula Hoop Girl. Everything goes better with Miss Grinder and Miss Hula. Item #3: 6 fire extinguishers. – Dave quickly says these will NOT explode. Pat Farmer drops the 6 fire extinguishers . . . and they do NOT explode. After the disappointing lack of an explosion, Dave says the obvious: “Now do you see why we need the girls?” TOP TEN: Things We’ve Already Learned From the Mars Rover. #9. NASA’s Mars footage looks suspiciously similar to Atari’s asteroids. #8. So far, no sign of Mork. #7. Thought I saw Paris Hilton having sex with a Martian. #2. Kucinich’s popularity rating on Mars is the same on earth. JENNIFER ANISTON: She’s Rachel from the huge television series, Friends. It is in its 10th and final season. Final season!? Wow, I better watch an episode before it goes off the air. Come to think of it, I watch very little television besides sports, news, and talk shows. Take away those 3 and that leaves only Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Sopranos. Oh, and late Thursday night HBO. That’s it for my television viewing. No network sitcoms, no network dramas. Jennifer is married to the swell-looking Brad Pitt. How’d they meet? Their managers set them up. How romantic. Their first date consisted of “ordering in.” And they remained “in” the rest of the night. 5 months after their first date they became engaged. What’s it like for two big stars to be married to each other? The plus side is each knows what the other is going through in their careers and private life. The down side is having to live in such a fish bowl under the watchful eye of every amateur photographer in the world. Considering starting a family? Jennifer says it’s something she looks forward to. Jennifer is also starring in the new film, Along Comes Polly. Paul describes Jennifer’s performance as “deliciously uninhibited.” Was her performance really that good? Paul says he doesn’t know for sure, but that’s what he read in one of the reviews. She stars along side Ben Stiller. Dave says he enjoyed Jennifer’s dancing in the film. He describes it as “Erotic. Hot. It made the back of my knees perspire.” Can you give a higher complement? ACT 5: “The Late Show congratulates Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander on their marriage this weekend! Nice going, kids! The Late Show would also like to congratulate Britney and Jason on their annulment after they sobered up. Nice going, kids!” RYAN ADAMS: From his new CD, Rock N Roll, Ryans Adams performed “So Alive.” WILL IT EXPLODE #4: To finish up the show, dropped from the roof were 20 5-gallon Deer Park water bottles. With a splish and a splash, the water bottles exploded. And that was our show for Monday January 5, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA! And we’re back. It was a nice week-plus holiday, but if I’m offered one more chip with dip I’ll scream. The final day of vacation was how all vacations should end. It was rainy and cold outside and we had absolutely nothing planned. The girls played with their Christmas presents in the basement the entire day while I began putting the decorations away at a very slow pace. Football was on the tube throughout and I sneaked a peek here and there. As always, it didn’t take long for me to scream at the set. For you newcomers, I now watch sporting events not so much for the game, but how the game is shot. I don’t know how this happened but it’s become a curse I cannot shake. Of course, if it pains me I want it to pain you, too. Packers/Panthers game. Game tied, the last play in regulation, Green Bay is lining up to kick a field goal. All is set. The camera shot is from behind the kicker so we can see the offense, the defense, and the field goal some 50 yards away. Seconds before the snap, the director decides to cut to a shot of Brett Favre watching on the sidelines. Why? Did anybody at the stadium look at Favre at that moment? No, so why did the director think we wanted to see Favre at that moment? Here’s something to look for next week. After the Green Bay/Carolina game, we see the FOX announcing team of Chris Collinsworth on the left, Troy Aikman in the middle, and Joe Buck on the right standing side by side discussing the game. What did I notice? Collinsworth on the left had his hands-free microphone coming across his right cheek. Joe Buck on the right had his hands-free microphone coming across his left cheek. If they switched sides, with Collinsworth on the right and Buck on the left, their hands-free microphone wouldn’t be so obvious. I wouldn’t change their headset since they are probably comfortable with the way it is. Will someone mention this to the broadcasting team? Probably not, but if I ruled the world, next week would find their hands-free microphones not facing the camera. And then the Colt/Bronco game. Colts receiver Marvin Harrison dives and catches a pass over the middle from Peyton Manning. None of the Broncos touched Harrison to “down” him. Harrison quickly got up and ran the next 30 yards for a touchdown. But we didn’t see the play. As soon as Harrison was on the ground, the director decided to take a shot of the fans reacting to the scene on the field. The announcer screams how Harrison is up and running for the end zone. The camera cuts back to Harrison in the end zone. We missed the play because the director thought we wanted to see fans reacting. I curse at the TV, but figure the director was greatly embarrassed and learned his lesson. Did he? Nope. The very next play from scrimmage the director quickly cuts to a shot of the fans reacting to the play on the field. And then again on the next play, and then again on the play after that. Why do competent directors continue to make mistakes of taking us away from the action? The upside of this is I now feel I know the fans from Indianapolis a little better than I did Sunday morning. Later in the game, the Broncos quarterback fumbled. There is a big scrum in an attempt to recover the ball. Who gets it? The Colts? The Broncos? Just as the ref is about to make the call, the director cuts to Colts head coach. Now I know HE didn’t recover the ball, so I have to wonder why we were now looking at him? We learn which team recovered the ball by quickly analyzing and translating the coach’s reaction to the ref’s call. Once again, the number of cameras in operation for an NFL football game should be halved, and then use only half of those that remain. And the worst was yet to come. The ABC presentation of the LSU-Oklahoma college football championship game was the WORST broadcast of a sporting event I have ever seen. There was so much unnecessary crap thrown at us during the game it was as if ABC didn’t think the game itself was worthy of primetime viewing. In between just about EVERY play there was some unnecessary clip, highlight, interview, or show to plug. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL! “Let’s take a look at Nick Saban at practice this week!” We cut to a worthless clip of the LSU coach during practice: “Keep your feet inside. Sustain your block. Good.” Late in the game with Oklahoma having a chance to tie, we get a clip of the Oklahoma coach giving a list of some of his favorite things. “Favorite food: steak. Do I need to explain why?” Ugh. It took every ounce of energy to keep me tuned to a game I had great interest in. Time and time and time again our attention was directed away from the game at hand. Where is the quality control? Is anybody held accountable? The worse part is that once you notice the constant interruptions and sideshows, there is no way to ignore it. It’s like a horn blaring in the middle of the night. Can’t anybody turn it off? If the world were to end today, you would find the news on page 3. The first two pages would be reserved for the Britney Spears wedding. New York Knick fans are rejoicing over the trade that brings in Stephon Marbury from the Phoenix Suns. I remember Stephon on the Jersey Nets. 3 years later and his Net teammates are still waiting for him to pass the ball. What little I know about basketball tells me this isn’t a good move for the Knick hopes in winning a championship anytime soon, meaning the next ten years. The playoffs, yes. Championship, no I am in the minority here in NYC but I think this will haunt them for years to come. The Knicks gave up too many draft picks, too many young projects, and will cost them too much money. What are the fans in Phoenix thinking? A woman in Cleveland says she lost the winning $162 million lottery ticket and promises to reward anyone who returns it to her. She sounds like the same woman who e-mails me all the time from Nigeria. I got a Harry & David catalog in the mail yesterday. Boy, the Lettermans are an enterprising bunch, aren’t they? Jennifer Aniston; and Ryan Adams. PLUS: Dave’s visit to Iraq; Parent Magazine; a Top Ten List; and Will It Explode? Dave calls Biff over to the guest chair and they discuss their visit, along with Paul, to Iraq over the holiday. It has become something Dave really enjoys and is filled with admiration and thanks for all our men and women in the Armed Forces do for us. Dave mentions some from the military who helped with the trip. Dave spent some time with a guy named Sean, who said, “Everyone calls me ‘bitch face.’” In Kuwait, some of the guys baked a cherry pie for him. According to Biff, it was tasty. Dave holds a photo of him eating at the Bob Hope Pavilion/Cafeteria. Sitting next to him is a guy named Colby. Dave directs our attention to himself in the photo and exclaimed, “Tell me I don’t look like I just got the crap beaten out of me.” Well, the energetic Colby was full of enthusiasm and had a lot to say and a lot to ask. At one point he says to Dave, “Do you know Jay Leno?” Dave says, “Yeah, I know Jay Leno.” Colby asks, “Is he bigger than you?” Dave says, “Well, he’s heavier. . .” Colby follows with, “Could you take him?” Dave laughs and sort of mumbles, “Yes . . . absolutely.” Another photo showed Dave at one of the many Saddam Hussein palaces he visited and this one had a nice pool. After horsing around with the soldiers and tossing footballs, Dave thought it would be neat to throw footballs into Saddam Hussein’s pool, and so he did. Dave seemed humbled by the visit. He says he found it fascinating, inspiring, and historical to be in such a place at that time. Biff included how proud he was of all the men and women who are serving. Dave, of course, agreed whole-heartedly. Dave tells the story of talking to one soldier who said he was in Afghanistan last year and is now in Iraq. Dave joked, “The military is really getting their money’s worth with you.” The soldier responded simply, “It has to be done.” Dave said although the soldiers seemed very happy to see Dave, Paul, and Biff, what they really wanted to know was where was the Grinder Girl? Paul makes a note to bring the G. Girl along next year. Following that, we did something new. Dropping items from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater Building 90 feet high, it was something we called, “Will It Explode?” On the roof is Pat Farmer with an assortment of items. #1. Industrial-sized metal cans of chocolate pudding. – Will it explode? Biff says yes, no, yes, no. Or maybe it was no, yes, no, yes. Did the pudding explode? The judges determined that, yes, the cans of pudding exploded. #2. Cantaloupe wrapped in bubble wrap. It was more of the same from Biff – not sure what he finally decided. Again, the judges rules the bubble-wrapped cantaloupe did explode. Back from commercial, Dave asks if we are familiar with the Crocodile guy, Steve Irwin. Over the weekend he fed a crocodile a chicken while holding his son under his other arm. The reaction has been immediate. Take a look. “The editors of ‘Parents’ magazine would like to announce their annual list of ‘Most Moronic Fathers.’ #3. Steve Irwin (holding baby under arm while feeding a chicken to a hungry croc.) #2. Michael Jackson (dangling baby over balcony) And the #1 most moronic father . . . #1. David Letterman. ‘Parents’ magazine – Be There!” WILL IT EXPLODE #3: Before dropping the next item, Dave says this piece needs the Grinder Girl and the Hula Hoop Girl. Everything goes better with Miss Grinder and Miss Hula. Item #3: 6 fire extinguishers. – Dave quickly says these will NOT explode. Pat Farmer drops the 6 fire extinguishers . . . and they do NOT explode. After the disappointing lack of an explosion, Dave says the obvious: “Now do you see why we need the girls?” TOP TEN: Things We’ve Already Learned From the Mars Rover. #9. NASA’s Mars footage looks suspiciously similar to Atari’s asteroids. #8. So far, no sign of Mork. #7. Thought I saw Paris Hilton having sex with a Martian. #2. Kucinich’s popularity rating on Mars is the same on earth. JENNIFER ANISTON: She’s Rachel from the huge television series, Friends. It is in its 10th and final season. Final season!? Wow, I better watch an episode before it goes off the air. Come to think of it, I watch very little television besides sports, news, and talk shows. Take away those 3 and that leaves only Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Sopranos. Oh, and late Thursday night HBO. That’s it for my television viewing. No network sitcoms, no network dramas. Jennifer is married to the swell-looking Brad Pitt. How’d they meet? Their managers set them up. How romantic. Their first date consisted of “ordering in.” And they remained “in” the rest of the night. 5 months after their first date they became engaged. What’s it like for two big stars to be married to each other? The plus side is each knows what the other is going through in their careers and private life. The down side is having to live in such a fish bowl under the watchful eye of every amateur photographer in the world. Considering starting a family? Jennifer says it’s something she looks forward to. Jennifer is also starring in the new film, Along Comes Polly. Paul describes Jennifer’s performance as “deliciously uninhibited.” Was her performance really that good? Paul says he doesn’t know for sure, but that’s what he read in one of the reviews. She stars along side Ben Stiller. Dave says he enjoyed Jennifer’s dancing in the film. He describes it as “Erotic. Hot. It made the back of my knees perspire.” Can you give a higher complement? ACT 5: “The Late Show congratulates Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander on their marriage this weekend! Nice going, kids! The Late Show would also like to congratulate Britney and Jason on their annulment after they sobered up. Nice going, kids!” RYAN ADAMS: From his new CD, Rock N Roll, Ryans Adams performed “So Alive.” WILL IT EXPLODE #4: To finish up the show, dropped from the roof were 20 5-gallon Deer Park water bottles. With a splish and a splash, the water bottles exploded. And that was our show for Monday January 5, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA! And we’re back. It was a nice week-plus holiday, but if I’m offered one more chip with dip I’ll scream. The final day of vacation was how all vacations should end. It was rainy and cold outside and we had absolutely nothing planned. The girls played with their Christmas presents in the basement the entire day while I began putting the decorations away at a very slow pace. Football was on the tube throughout and I sneaked a peek here and there. As always, it didn’t take long for me to scream at the set. For you newcomers, I now watch sporting events not so much for the game, but how the game is shot. I don’t know how this happened but it’s become a curse I cannot shake. Of course, if it pains me I want it to pain you, too. Packers/Panthers game. Game tied, the last play in regulation, Green Bay is lining up to kick a field goal. All is set. The camera shot is from behind the kicker so we can see the offense, the defense, and the field goal some 50 yards away. Seconds before the snap, the director decides to cut to a shot of Brett Favre watching on the sidelines. Why? Did anybody at the stadium look at Favre at that moment? No, so why did the director think we wanted to see Favre at that moment? Here’s something to look for next week. After the Green Bay/Carolina game, we see the FOX announcing team of Chris Collinsworth on the left, Troy Aikman in the middle, and Joe Buck on the right standing side by side discussing the game. What did I notice? Collinsworth on the left had his hands-free microphone coming across his right cheek. Joe Buck on the right had his hands-free microphone coming across his left cheek. If they switched sides, with Collinsworth on the right and Buck on the left, their hands-free microphone wouldn’t be so obvious. I wouldn’t change their headset since they are probably comfortable with the way it is. Will someone mention this to the broadcasting team? Probably not, but if I ruled the world, next week would find their hands-free microphones not facing the camera. And then the Colt/Bronco game. Colts receiver Marvin Harrison dives and catches a pass over the middle from Peyton Manning. None of the Broncos touched Harrison to “down” him. Harrison quickly got up and ran the next 30 yards for a touchdown. But we didn’t see the play. As soon as Harrison was on the ground, the director decided to take a shot of the fans reacting to the scene on the field. The announcer screams how Harrison is up and running for the end zone. The camera cuts back to Harrison in the end zone. We missed the play because the director thought we wanted to see fans reacting. I curse at the TV, but figure the director was greatly embarrassed and learned his lesson. Did he? Nope. The very next play from scrimmage the director quickly cuts to a shot of the fans reacting to the play on the field. And then again on the next play, and then again on the play after that. Why do competent directors continue to make mistakes of taking us away from the action? The upside of this is I now feel I know the fans from Indianapolis a little better than I did Sunday morning. Later in the game, the Broncos quarterback fumbled. There is a big scrum in an attempt to recover the ball. Who gets it? The Colts? The Broncos? Just as the ref is about to make the call, the director cuts to Colts head coach. Now I know HE didn’t recover the ball, so I have to wonder why we were now looking at him? We learn which team recovered the ball by quickly analyzing and translating the coach’s reaction to the ref’s call. Once again, the number of cameras in operation for an NFL football game should be halved, and then use only half of those that remain. And the worst was yet to come. The ABC presentation of the LSU-Oklahoma college football championship game was the WORST broadcast of a sporting event I have ever seen. There was so much unnecessary crap thrown at us during the game it was as if ABC didn’t think the game itself was worthy of primetime viewing. In between just about EVERY play there was some unnecessary clip, highlight, interview, or show to plug. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL! “Let’s take a look at Nick Saban at practice this week!” We cut to a worthless clip of the LSU coach during practice: “Keep your feet inside. Sustain your block. Good.” Late in the game with Oklahoma having a chance to tie, we get a clip of the Oklahoma coach giving a list of some of his favorite things. “Favorite food: steak. Do I need to explain why?” Ugh. It took every ounce of energy to keep me tuned to a game I had great interest in. Time and time and time again our attention was directed away from the game at hand. Where is the quality control? Is anybody held accountable? The worse part is that once you notice the constant interruptions and sideshows, there is no way to ignore it. It’s like a horn blaring in the middle of the night. Can’t anybody turn it off? If the world were to end today, you would find the news on page 3. The first two pages would be reserved for the Britney Spears wedding. New York Knick fans are rejoicing over the trade that brings in Stephon Marbury from the Phoenix Suns. I remember Stephon on the Jersey Nets. 3 years later and his Net teammates are still waiting for him to pass the ball. What little I know about basketball tells me this isn’t a good move for the Knick hopes in winning a championship anytime soon, meaning the next ten years. The playoffs, yes. Championship, no I am in the minority here in NYC but I think this will haunt them for years to come. The Knicks gave up too many draft picks, too many young projects, and will cost them too much money. What are the fans in Phoenix thinking? A woman in Cleveland says she lost the winning $162 million lottery ticket and promises to reward anyone who returns it to her. She sounds like the same woman who e-mails me all the time from Nigeria. I got a Harry & David catalog in the mail yesterday. Boy, the Lettermans are an enterprising bunch, aren’t they?


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