During the preshow Q&A, Dave was asked if John Kerry was going to be on the show. Dave says the invitation has gone out and we’re just waiting for a reply. Dave reminds us all, and maybe he was talking to Senator Kerry at that moment, that the road to the White House goes through “that chair,” pointing to the guest chair. We’ll have to wait and see.

Did you see President Bush’s news/press conference Tuesday night? It’s been said that the President is uncooperative with the media and continues to be evasive. Well, his performance Tuesday night didn’t help squelch those beliefs. Did you see it?

We have a clip. The President enters and steps up to the podium. He says, “Thank you. Good Evening.” One beat later, he turns and exits.

And now a message from President George W. Bush:
- “We see an independent, free, and secure / turkey farm.”

And another message from President George W. Bush:
- “I can’t make good decisions!”

CBS MAILBAG: And assisting in the presentation of the letters, Dave’s assistant Smitty dressed as Colorado prospector. With Smitty, is a donkey named Billy. The difference between a mule and a donkey? A mule is a hybrid of a horse and a donkey, and a donkey is just a donkey. And what is the difference between a trumpet and a flugelhorn? Smitty is not sure. That wasn’t on her list.

Tonight is our salute to Colorado, the Rocky Mountain State.

LETTER #1: From Sidney Black of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada:
“Hi Dave, Do you have any plans for your birthday this year?”

Dave says that his birthday was Monday and the staff did something very special. “I remember . . .” Dave rubs his chin which is the universal sign for a gliss with a memory sequence to follow.

We see from Dave’s POV (point of view) his walking down an office hallway. He comes to the door of a conference room. We see his hand push open the door. Inside is a festive surprise party. The entire staff yells out “Surprise!” Cut to another shot, this time of the camera guy playing the role of Dave’s POV. Over his head reads, “Happy Birthday, Al!” Al the cameraman is handed a drink and he raises the glass in toast. The surprise party wasn’t for Dave; it was for Al, the cameraman.

Does Smitty have a fun fact about Colorado? Sure she does.

The name Colorado means “colored red” and is known as the Centennial State, joining the Union 100 years after the nation’s Declaration of Independence.

Before going on to the next letter, Dave asks Smitty to kiss the donkey. She refuses. Dave encourages her to kiss the donkey. She scrunches her nose and refuses. Dave then jumps from his desk to show her how to do it. Dave leans over and kisses Billy the Donkey on the forehead right between the ears. He then returns to his desk.

I always knew Dave to be a kiss-ass. Buh-dum-bum. Thank you, thank you very much.

LETTER #2: From Johnny Griffiths-Nicholson of Melbourne, Australia:
“Dear Dave, Any possibility of you creating your own reality show?”

No, Dave has no interest in that but we do have the star of the #1 new reality show here with us tonight, Mr. Donald Trump. Trump enters, looking much like our writer Gerry Mulligan in a wig. He is wearing a Tweety Bird T-Shirt which reads, “You’re Fired!”

TRUMP: “Trump crazy! Trump crazy! I’ll fire all y’all’s asses!”
DAVE: “Welcome.”
TRUMP: God, this place is a dump. Where’s the gold fixtures? You need more obnoxious sparkly crap.
DAVE: “Well, that’s CBS for you. Now congratulations on the success of the show. Why do you think it’s such a hit?
TRUMP: “It’s the first rule of television, Dave. People love looking at thick, gorgeous, natural hair. I guess that’s why people hate your show.” (Rim shot) “You gotta admit, I owed you that one, Indiana.”
DAVE: “I guess. In addition to the show you also have a new book: ‘Trump: How to Get Rich.’”
TRUMP: “That’s right.” (picks up the book) It’s really quite simple. Step #1. Be a hot chick. Step #2. Sleep with Donald Trump. Viola.”
DAVE: “Now, Donald. . .”
TRUMP: It’s ‘The Donald,’ a**hole!”
DAVE: “I’m sorry, The Donald do you think . . .”
TRUMP: “Hold on, something ain’t right.” (Trump takes off his wig. He is totally bald underneath. He puts the wig back on and realigns.) “Yeah, now Trump is looking good!”
DAVE: “So tomorrow is the finale of ‘The Apprentice?’”
TRUMP: “That’s right and it’s got an ending you have to see to believe. Take a look.”
(roll vt: We see Trump saying, “This isn’t going to be easy. You’re fired.” A young, handsome gentleman is fired and he takes is with quiet stoicism. Trump then says to another, “And you’re hired!” We see sitting next to the fired guy a young buxom in a bikini. Back LIVE to Trump, the young buxom is now standing next to him.) “What up?! The Donald’s gonna be hiking the Rockies tonight!”
DAVE: “Donald Trump, ladies and gentlemen.”
TRUMP: “Don’t wait up, Ivana.” Trump exits.

LETTER #3: From Adam Berrick of Newcastle:
“Dave, I’m a big fan. Just wondering if Paul Shaferd could hose the show for just one night?”

Dave points out the misspelling of Paul’s name. He then goes on to say how Paul did host the show but is interrupted by Paul.

PAUL: “Dave? Dave? Did you see how he spelled my name? I have been on television for almost 30 years and people still have no idea how to spell ‘Shaffer.’ I’ve come up with a mnemonic device to help people remember. Shaffer: Six Heavenly Angels Fluttering Freely Eating Raisins.” (SHAFFER)
DAVE: “That’s charming, Paul. Okay . . .”
BIFF: (interrupting) “Dave! Dave! I have a mnemonic device as well: The Happy Artist Thought We All Should Lounge At My Estate And Sip Soda.” (THAT WAS LAME ASS)
PAUL: “Oh, Dave, I have another one. All Watch Windmills Because It Turns Easily Making Electricity. (AWW BITE ME)
DAVE: “Thanks, boys, that was lovely.”

Unfortunately, Dave isn’t getting a tax refund check this year. But if you’re interested in tax strategies, our building engineer George Clarke has a new tax tips segment you should find interesting.
Roll vt. We see George in front of an H&R Block.

George: “Here are some things you can do to get a bigger tax refund. Itemizing deductions may help. Or you can increase the amount withheld form your paycheck. But if that’s still not enough, try this.” (George enters the H&R Block.)
George: “Hi, Mr. Block?
Block: “Yes?”
George: “My name is George Clarke, and I’m having trouble with my taxes. I was wondering if I could speak to you . . . privately?”
Block: “Very well.” (The two walk off camera)
Black screen – “One hour later . . .”
We see a bare-chested George Clarke in bed. Mr. Block is dressing himself, zipping up his pants.
Block: “George, I really enjoyed that, but I’m sorry. I can’t help you cheat on your taxes. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s my busy season.” He exits.
George: “Dammit!”

And that was the CBS Mailbag for tonight. Top Ten: Ways My Life Has Changed Since Becoming Famous – and here to present tonight’s Top Ten list, winner of American Idol, Ruben Studdard.
#8. Last weekend I was briefly married to Britney Spears.
#5. Guess who cleans my pool? Hall and Oates.
#1. After I won I gave Paula Abdul a Ruben sandwich.

AMY SEDARIS: Always sweet, always charming. I find everything she says to be funny, even when she has nothing to say. We learn a bit about her dressing habits, her being fitted for a bra, and her imaginary boyfriend Ricky. Great news. She and Ricky had a baby recently, whom they named Hercules. Dave asks if Amy and Ricky are considering marriage? Amy says, “Unlike you, I don’t like to rush in to things.”

Back from commercial, we find Amy Sedaris with Smitty and Billy, the Donkey, singing “Rocky Mountain High.”

Amy will be hosting a new series on the TRIO Network, entitled Film Fanatic which premieres April 24th.

ACT 5: And now a LATE SHOW announcement:
A donkey has escaped in midtown Manhattan. (“Escaped Donkey”)
He answers to the name, Billy (“Answers to Billy”)
Don’t be fooled by his calm demeanor. The donkey is vicious and bloodthirsty. (“Has killed, will kill again”)
This has been a LATE SHOW announcement.
Tell your friends.

DAMIEN RICE: From his new CD, O, Damien Rice, along with Lisa Hannigan, performed “I Remember.”

And that was our show for Wednesday April 14, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

And now, the list of Colorado Fun Facts prepared for Smitty, the prospector:

SALUTE TO COLORADO: 4/14/04
STEPHANIE AS A PROSPECTOR

1. The name Colorado means “colored red” and is known as the Centennial State, joining the Union 100 years after the nation’s Declaration of Independence.
2. Famous Colorado Firsts:
The ice cream soda (1871)
The license plate (1908)
The cheeseburger (1935)
3. Colorado has the highest mean altitude of all states, with an average of 6,800 feet above sea level.
4. The highest paved road in North America is the road to Mt. Evans which climbs to up to 14, 258 feet above sea level
5. The Kit Carson County Carousel in Burlington dates back to 1905, making it the oldest wooden merry-go-round in the country.
6. Every year, Denver hosts the world’s largest rodeo, the Western Stock Show
7. Colorado leads the nation in silver production. The world’s largest silver nugget was discovered from the Smuggler Mine, weighing 1,840 pounds.
8. Gold can be found in flour form or in a speck, fleck, flake, picker, or nugget.
9. Since 1859, Colorado gold mines have produced over 45 million ounces of gold.
10. The slogan “Pike’s Peak or Bust” originated as many fortune seekers headed west to Colorado to find gold.
11. 800,000 ounces of placer gold were discovered in Breckenridge, Colorado between 1859 and 1972
12. A placer is an accumulation of rock waste formed after sedimentation or weathering, which brings about a concentration of gold or other heavy metals
13. Some heavy minerals found in Colorado are Quartz, feldspar, brassy yellow pyrite, and back magnetite.

Bush is going about this WMD thing all wrong. He should be saying, “If I told you a year ago that Iraq would be WMD-free by the Spring, wouldn’t that have made you happy?”

I see that in May CBS will be broadcasting their remake of Helter Skelter, the story of Charles Manson. I guess it’s all part of the big 25th Silver Anniversary Celebration of the slaughter.

TV biography of the Reagans? Inappropriate. Won’t show it. Hitler and Manson? Let’s put it in Sweeps.

Did you read where a stripeless zebra was born in Nairobi? I think it’s called a horse.

Don’t forget to watch your local 11:00 news tonight. All across America you’ll see LIVE shots of the local post office and the last-second tax filers. Oh, the fun and laughs of interviewing the procrastinators. Such a delight. And so original!

From yesterday’s Wahoo Gazette, I wrote:

“Every time I watch Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I find it hilarious. Why, I don’t know. It’s just two guys reading a transcript from the Oprah show. No jokes. No hijinks. Just a straight read. It reminds me of how Steve Allen first did something similar way back when by reading Elvis Presley song lyrics. Mr. Allen would stand in front of a podium, and all stoic-like, and simply read the lyrics. Hearing the words spoken by Mr. Steve Allen instead of being sung by Elvis Presley made for great comedy. Pat and Kenny Reading Oprah Transcripts reminds me of the Steve Allen bit.”

From Tony Reyer of Silver Spring, Maryland:

“You're confused again. It wasn't Steve Allen that read Elvis Presley lyrics all stoic-like. It was Steve Allen. When are you going to get this right?”

"I believe you were mistaken in today's Wahoo. It wasn't Steve Allen who read rock lyrics at the podium -- it was Jerry Lester on ‘The Tonight Show’ precursor ‘Broadway Open House.’ Hope this clears up the confusion.”

Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station, Virginia writes:

”You wrote, “It reminds me of how Steve Allen first did something similar way back when by reading an Elvis Presley song”
Mike, I don't think it was Steve Allen. I can't exactly remember the guy's name, but he was Audrey Meadows' brother-in-law and he hosted the Tonight Show back in the 1950's. Wore eyeglasses, too. I wish I could remember his name; right on the tip of my tongue.”

”In regards to your referring to Steve Allen reciting rock and roll lyrics as though they were poetry, I think you're a little confused. If I recall correctly, it wasn't Steve Allen, it was Steve Allen.”

The Wahoo Gazette: where the first draft is the final draft.