What is today's date? Dave starts his monologue with the question, "What is today's date?" Dave is eyeing Tony Cue Cards when as he asks this question. Later, Dave says "We're going to Central Park for a picnic. Everyone's invited except for Tony." And still later, Dave says "Tonight I'm working with the Human Calendar."
So what's up?
Here's the Wahoo story. Dave made his entrance and after telling a joke or two, someone off camera catches his attention. For some reason today's date is in question. Dave is puzzled by the questioning of Thursday being April 15th. I try to remember but can't place when or where today's date came up in the show. With momentum broken and the show only being seconds old, Dave calls for a very rare "do over." He walks back through the guest entrance and we restart the show. Upon the restart, Dave makes reference to "What is today's date?"
That's the Wahoo story.

Here's the Tony Mendez story. "Dave screwed something up and he wanted to do the whole thing over."

Tonight, we're playing "Trump or Monkey: Season Finale." We're playing this tonight to honor the season finale of the big, mega-hit "The Apprentice."

Osama has released one of those audiotape messages again and we got a copy of it.
Osama: "I call upon the faithful to rise up against America and its allies if Kwame does not win 'The Apprentice.' Bill sucks! Oh, and Bush: You're Fired! Sorry, I couldn't resist."

GEORGE W. BUSH PRETENDS TO BE INTERESTED: Before showing the clip, Dave explains that the President is a very busy man and has to go to function after function. He can't blame the guy if he becomes disinterested in what is going around him. It's virtually impossible to remain sharp all the time. Dave admits he pretends to be interested numerous times while hosting the show.
From an April 6th appearance at South Arkansas Community College, we see the President on stage of an auditorium listening to a woman describe the college town. Though pleasant, her topic may be a bit . . . . boring. We see the President trying his best to feign interest. But we're not done.

THE WOMAN WHO SPOKE EARLIER PRETENDS TO BE INTERESTED: The same scene as above, but this time the President is speaking. It may have been the camera angle, it may have been the moment, it may have been something else entirely, but it appeared that as the President spoke, the woman was nodding off to sleep.
Dave says it looks like she should get the "Standing 8 Count."

GEORGE W. BUSH INSPIRATION TO AMERICA: Again at the same function, we see the President speaking forcefully to make a point: "Your future is doubtful. It's cloudy. Things don't look so good."

TRUMP OR MONKEY: SEASON FINALE - Rupert has tonight's contestant. She's Jenny Ford from Saskatchewan. Dave thinks the name is familiar: Jenny Ford. Oops! Dave's mistake. He says he was thinking of Jenny Craig. So what's the deal with Jenny Ford? She says she's in the cast of the Broadway musical, "Hairspray." Ooooh, "Hairspray." Can she do anything from the show for us? Jenny says all she does is a lot of "Ah-ute" and "Ah-hoo" in the show. Dave looks over to Paul for help; "What was she talking about?" Does Rupert have any questions for Jenny Ford? Rupert responds, "Uhhh, no." Since Rupert has no questions, Dave wonders why we even have Rupert in the piece. We could simply do this out on the sidewalk.
And what are we playing for tonight? Alan announces, "A trip for two to Acapulco!"

How do we play "Trump or Monkey?" On a board, we show the tops of 3 heads. Two head tops belong to a monkey. One head top belongs to Donald Trump. All the contestant can see is a photo of the hair of the two monkeys and Donald Trump. It is up to Jenny Ford to choose which head belongs to Donald Trump. She has 30 seconds. Jenny Ford picks photo #3, the one closest to her on the board. Dave has Rupert uncover photo #1. It is a monkey. Dave has Rupert uncover photo #2. It, too, is a monkey. It looks as if Jenny will win. What is photo #3? Rupert unveils and we see it's Donald Trump! We have a winner!

Dave's joy turns to immediate concern. He questions, "Now we're on the hook for a trip to Acapulco?" Executive Producer Barbara Gaines quickly says the contestant won the Hello Deli deli platter. But Dave says that before the game, we said we were playing for a trip to Acapulco. It's right there on tape. How can we now say we were not playing for a trip to Acapulco? A quick shot of Alan shows him looking over at Barbara and nodding in agreement with Dave. Dave distances himself from the situation and says that Barbara is going to be subpoenaed and indicted. Pointing a finger her way, Dave warns "You're in big trouble, sister!"

Back from commercial, Dave says that Barbara and CBS are in trouble.

IS THIS ANYTHING?
It's a scantly clad woman dancing the samba. On her gyrating hip she mixes a milkshake. When thoroughly mixed, she pours herself the milkshake and enjoys. The scrim descends. Dave gets up from the desk and peeks around the scrim and asks, "Any of that milkshake left?" He sits, sips, and enjoys. Dave says, "We oughta send her to Acapulco." Paul is equally amazed, stating "She made a milkshake on her hip!" Both agree it was something.

TOP TEN: with a new sponsor - Sink-Hole.com
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George: "Not long ago, my house disappeared. Right away I suspicioned a sink-hole. Three weeks later the experts at sink-hole.com confirmed it (SFX). I think it was a random seismic event. My wife thinks it was high school kids (SFX). Plus, last week I was beaten with a rake." George crosses his eyes.
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George and Gary: "Sink-hole, Schmink-hole." (SFX).
Alan: "Now back to you, Dave."

Tonight's Top Ten list: Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Accountant.
#10. "Listen, I'm not so good with the math."
#9. "The good news is you're getting a huge refund. The bad news is you'll have to hide in Costa Rica for a while."
#5. "Relax, everything will be fine. I used to work for Enron."
#1. "I was later filing your return so I could appear on Letterman."

DAVID DUCHOVNY: David's a dad of a two-year-old linguist. "Miller" is learning how to speak and the recipient of his speech much echo back what he just said, but the recipient must say it back properly. For instance, when Miller says "Mo-Gycle" - he wants you to say "Motorcycle." If you don't say motorcycle, he will repeat his own attempt at motorcycle, "Mo-Gycle." This will continue until you figure out his "Mo-Gycle" means motorcycle.
Others include:
Hummina - means 'helmet on"
Fuzzwafawa - has no meaning, Miller is just playing with you.
Figgit - means 'fix it'

Duchovny is finishing up a film he wrote and directed which will be appearing at the Tribeca Film Festival in May, entitled, "House of D." Just before beginning to shoot the film, David Duchovny saw Warren Zevon on the Late Show. Warren's advice for living, "Enjoy Every Sandwich," stuck with David and always kept it in mind while working on the film. He also went out and immediately purchased the CD, "The Wind." His production staff grew somewhat tired of listening to "Knockin' on Heaven's Door," each and every day, all day, dubbing Duchovny as Mr. Sunshine. David Duchovny's new film, "Connie and Carla" opens Friday (today.) He plays the straight guy in a film where a couple women play men playing women.

And now my Warren Zevon "The Wind" story. I was outside two weeks ago thatching the front lawn. I brought along my CD/radio and slapped on "The Wind." Across the street was a neighbor also doing yard work. Instead of our usual wave and nod, he yells out "Zevon?" I said, "Yeah. 'The Wind.'" He gives me a thumbs up and says, "All right!" It's the most we've spoken in 2 years.

CHRISTOPHER "Mad Dog" RUSSO: Sports radio talk show host of the very popular "Mike and the Mad Dog" on WFAN here in New York. He's also the author of the book, "The Mad Dog 100: The Greatest Sports Arguments of All Time."
Dave apologizes to Chris, as we bumped him a few weeks ago because of Courtney Love and the time before that last summer ("Demi Moore!" Russo reminds.) Chris was the good sport and said he (himself) works on a local radio sports show. Dave is the continuation of the greatness of Jack Parr and Johnny Carson. Russo was very understandable of the big picture and Dave appreciated it.

Dave opens with, "Tell me something. For the last 5 years, I don't care about sports as much as I once did. Why is that?" Chris condenses it, "The passion is not there!" (ed.note: I find I put exclamation points after everything Christopher Russo says because that's the way he speaks. Everything is urgent, everything is exciting, everything is . . . passionate!)
Dave wonders if his love of the games has something to do with teams changing personnel years after year after year. Long ago, a team's only change during the off-season may have been a new bullpen catcher. It's not like that anymore. Chris says there are a lot of distractions on the outside surrounding the game but once that game starts, it's still sports. It's still 9 innings like it's always been. It's still 60 minutes of football; 40 minutes in basketball; 48 minutes in the pros. That part never changes. If you can rid your thoughts of the outside garbage, the game is still the same.
But each year, the team you root for is reshuffled and you have to relearn your team. Nobody stays around too long anymore. How can that be good? Chris admits this is a problem but stresses you have to learn to identify with the team and the uniform and not the players.
Dave says in the summer he likes to sit back and listen to a single A or rookie league team, the Great Fall Dodgers (now the White Sox) on the radio. It's two hours and done. A major league games can run for 4 hours on the ESPN.
Chris says Dave misses the innocence; the simplicity of the game. He reminds Dave, though, that once the game starts, no matter if it's the rookie league or the major leagues, it's still baseball the way it's always been.
Dave breaks suddenly and looks slightly off camera, then barks, "Let's take a phone call." Dave stops and waits. Chris laughs, then quickly gives the phone number to his WFAN "Mike and the Mad Dog" program. What a pro.

What's with the steroids in baseball? Chris admits that's a problem. Last year, 7% of the players tested positive for steroid use and this happened after the players KNEW the test was coming. Barry Bonds is under the microscope. Although always a great player, Bonds hasn't reached super stardom as one of the best ever until he reached 35, 36, 37 years old. His best years have come after 35. He's bigger and more powerful now than ever? Dave asks Chris if he thinks Barry Bonds used muscle enhancers of some sort. Chris says he hates to admit it, but "Yes, I would say he used steroids."
As Dave is about to say goodbye, Chris quickly asks if he takes off his shirt, "can I stay longer?" (Courtney Love reference.)
Before closing the show, Dave says "you can see how he can have the tendency of the 'Mad Dog.' He actually suffers from hydrophobia."

And that was our show for Thursday, April 15, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I must be getting old. I, like Dave, no longer have that passion of watching sports. Not only am I not the athlete I once was; I'm no longer the couch potato I once was. Russo reminded me of someone last night but I couldn't place it. This morning it finally came to me. Kreskin. Certain mannerisms made me think of Kreskin. My apologies to both Russo and Kreskin.

I want to go back to the rotary phone. It seems every new gadget created to make life easier is simply waiting for you to become dependant on it, then suddenly break down causing great inconvenience. This week at home, two phones stopped working for no apparent reason. The phones can do a million things, of which I only know how to use two. Now, the phones can do nothing. I unplug the phones and examine them. They have the weight and sturdiness of a Happy Meal toy. And the phones are from respectable labels. I find I'm buying a new phone every year or two. Jump back to my years of youth and I remember the same rotary phone hanging on the kitchen wall and lasting a quarter century. And it was heavy, sturdy; it had some substance to it.

WAHOO CORRECTION:
From Linclon McCardle of Toronto, Canada:

"I have been inspired to write to correct some information from today's Gazette. You had a reader write in to claim that it was not in fact Steve Allen that read the rock and roll lyrics, but Steve Allen. I hate to insult others but this guy is an idiot! I'm sorry, he could have just been mistaken but to actually write in to correct you and get it wrong himself! Unforgivable. It is a well-known fact that it was actually Steve Allen. I'm sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

In yesterday's Wahoo Gazette, I transcribed part of the Donald Trump mailbag letter:
DAVE: "I guess. In addition to the show you also have a new book: 'Trump: How to Get Rich.'"
TRUMP: "That's right." (picks up the book) It's really quite simple. Step #1. Be a hot chick.
Step #2. Sleep with Donald Trump. Viola."

Well, obviously Trump (writer Gerry Mulligan) did not say "Viola!" He said "Voila!" I sent the Wahoo issue to our online guys to have them put it up on the site. I noticed the mistake BEFORE they posted. I could have changed it but decided to leave it because it reflected something that happened during rehearsal.
Often during the early part of rehearsal, the 'player' involved can't make it down to the stage as they are busy with their daily duties. Someone will stand in for that person so the Control Room can pin down the blocking, camera angles, and any unseen problems which may take place. Our Biff Henderson read Mulligan's role during the early rehearsal and he mistakenly exclaimed, "Step 2: Sleep with Donald Trump. Viola!" Many of us quickly leafed through our script looking for the reference to Viola.

And also in yesterday's Wahoo, I placed this blurb:
"I see that in May CBS will be broadcasting their remake of 'Helter Skelter,' the story of Charles Manson. I guess it's all part of the big 25th Silver Anniversary Celebration of the slaughter."

Wahoo readers Elita Clemenza of Burlingame, Iowa and Suzan Cullinan of Oglesby, Illinois e-mailed to let me know that the Manson murders took place in 1969, 35 years ago, not 25 years ago.

I knew the murders took place in 1969. My quick math on the fly made me calculate the one's column to be '5.' I just took for granted that the tens column would be 2, since 1969 has to be 25 years ago. When I received the first e-mail from Elita I scoffed at her poor math work. I re-figured in my head that 1969 was 25 . . . . it was 25 . . . . oh, man . . . . 1969 WAS 35 YEARS AGO! I thought 1969 being 25 years ago was a long long time, BUT IT'S 35 YEARS AGO! Oh my God! I just lost 10 years of my life! OUCH!!!

If you're keeping score at home, I make statements in the Wahoo Gazette on even days. On odd days I make corrections.