After the monologue, Dave sits at the desk and prepares for the rest of the show. There, right in front of him, is a guy on all fours with a tissue in his hand. He is creeping around for some unknown reason. What’s the deal? Oh, it’s the stage manager. He is trying to signal Dave that he has lipstick on his cheek. Dave says at his age, when he gets lipstick on his cheek he likes to keep it there.

And besides, what is he supposed to think when a guy is crawling around waving a tissue at him? “Is there something hanging out of my nose?”

The sneaking and lurking stage manager remains on Dave’s mind throughout the evening.

Dave takes a moment to repeat a story told to him by his assistant Joanna.
It’s morning and a 3-year-old daughter comes down the steps with a little scarf wrapped around her head. She tells her mother, “Today I’m going to be Mary and you’re going to be Jesus.” Fine. It’s one of the many sweet and adorable things 3-year-olds do. Nothing more is said about it. Jump ahead to the afternoon. Mom and daughter are at the supermarket. Walking down the aisle, the little girl says, “Hey, Jesus, don’t forget the Ovaltine.”

CBS MAILBAG – And assisting is Dave’s assistant Smitty, tonight dressed as a leprechaun. Dave asks for some fun facts about leprechauns.
- According to legend, if you catch a leprechaun he must tell you where he has his treasure buried.
Dave asks our friendly leprechaun about the guy crawling around on stage with a tissue, “Am I nuts? Do I overreact to things like that?” Smitty is about to say yes, then realizes who is asking and quickly chimes, “NO!”

LETTER #1: From Rob Collins of Provo, Utah
“Dave, Do you have a policy about inter-office dating?”
Dave says many think office romances are a bad idea, but he doesn’t have a problem with it. We have several staffers dating co-workers. And we have a clip highlighting this.
Over soft music, we see researcher Larry Hayes and Melinda Oakley of the ticket department romantically holding hands and smiling at the camera.
We see writer Todd Margolies and production assistant Abigail Lorden canoodling and acknowledging the camera.
And then we see technical maintenance engineer Gary Mintz with his arm lovingly around his SONY ¾ inch videotape player.

LETTER #2 – Before going to the next letter, Dave asks Smitty is she goes out on St. Patrick’s Day and get loaded on green beer? Smitty says “Not anymore.” Bad experience? She says, “I got really drunk and threw up all over the bar.”

This is what I thought of immediately after hearing that story. St. Patrick’s Day – bar was probably packed – a spot at the bar was probably hard to come by – I imagined that a spot opened up seconds after Smitty got sick at the bar – would I jump at the opening? -- Unfortunately, yes, I would.

Before reading the letter, Dave lets out a burp. He doesn’t understand why he is so bilious today.

LETTER #2 – From Laurel Randall-Kirk, Huntington, New York:
“Dear Dave, Have you ever thought of running for President? I’d vote for you.”
This makes Dave think of that business of supposed foreign leaders telling Senator John Kerry that they hope he wins the election. Kerry’s on the defensive now and has put out a crazy commercial in response.

“President Bush has challenged Senator John Kerry to name the foreign leaders who hope Senator Kerry wins the Presidential election. Very well.” (Cut to an obvious shot of Kerry disguised as a Mexican.) “For example, Mexican President Juan Kerrez wants Senator Kerry to beat President Bush. Paid for by John Kerry for President.”

LETTER #4: From John Hill of Margate, New Jersey:
“Dear Dave, Do you have any Irish ancestry?”
Dave says everybody is Irish today. He saw a very odd St. Patrick’s Day message this afternoon on the TV. We take a look.

“If you want to have a good time this St. Patrick’s Day, come to the greatest Irish bar around. O’Sama’s! O’Sama’s – Good Food. Good times!”

And that was mailbag for March 17th.

IS THIS ANYTHING? It’s a leprechaun on stilts playing the fiddle. Was it anything? Paul mumbles something about “he was doing it on stilts. . . . that was something.” Dave doesn’t think it’s anything. Paul again offers half-heartedly, “. . . . it was Irish . . .” Sorry, no sale.

TOP TEN – with a sponsor!
Tonight, a sponsor for the Top Ten list!

Alan: “Tonight’s Top Ten list is brought to you by my-head-hurts.com.
Hi, I’m Alan Kalter. Every year over 4 million Americans are hit in the head with a skillet.
(SFX: clank)
Some are acts of violence, others the result of horseplay. Listen to what these people have to say and see if their stories don’t ring a bell.”
(SFX: clank)
VT – woman: “I was hit in the head with a skillet. (SFX: clank) Boy did that hurt. Thankfully, it was just horseplay so no one was arrested.
VT – George Clarke: “I was hit in the head with a skillet.
(SFX: clank)
Even though mine was a senseless act of violence, no one was arrested.”
ALAN VO: “Meet these people and many, many, more, just like yourself, who have been hit in the head with a skillet (SFX: clank) at our website my-head-hurts.com. We’ve got puzzles, games, and party hints. So join the fun, meet new friends and whatever you do, watch out for that flying skillet. (SFX: clank) Now back to you, Dave.”

#10. “Do I need another shillehagh?”
#6. “What does the size of my shillelagh say about me?”
#4. “Should I hold off until the 2005 shillelaghs arrive?”
#3. “Should I just go to the yard and get a stick?”
#2. “Will I get a discount if my name is Shelly?”

COURTNEY LOVE: Upon her entrance, she turns towards the band or to somebody in the guest entrance and lifts her shirt, flashing the unexpected. Oh, boy. This should be interesting.

A somewhat confused and disoriented Courtney gets up on Dave’s desk and flashes him, crediting Drew Barrymore before the “performance.” She adds that she learned how to flirt by watching Dave flirting with Sandra Bernhard and Teri Garr.

After a few minutes of Courtney’s rambling one-way conversation, Dave is able to get in “So, how are things?” Courtney answers sarcastically, “Oh, just great. Handcuffs in the bedroom. Handcuffs out of the bedroom.” She then stands facing the audience and bluffs as if she is about to lift her shirt. Dave sighs and says, “I am so glad I have a son.”

And now my story: My girls were about a year old. I was with a new father of a 6 month old son. A group of teenage ruffians cross our path. The new father says, “I have bad dreams my son will grow up and be one of those.” I say, “I have worse nightmares.”

Back to the show.

Dave asks Courtney, “Has Hole broken up?” Courtney tells a story of being at a music awards show. She is there with her group of friends pretending to be too cool to be impressed being at the Awards show. Nearby was Garth Brooks or Clark Gaines or somebody who was telling anybody and everybody how excited he was to be at the Awards show. But Courtney wanted to tell everybody that SHE was excited to be there too! She was happy and excited and thrilled! But she had to pretend to be too cool to show it. After the story, a confused Dave asks, “And that’s why Hole broke up?”

Back from commercial, Courtney puts on a green plastic leprechaun hat on Dave. Dave, being the polite host, smiled and pretended to enjoy it. The hat was then removed and put on Courtney. The old Courtney probably would have acted too cool to wear the hat but the new Courtney was excited to put it on.

Courtney says, “Am I being weird? Am I being weird like Jennifer Tilly?” I wouldn’t say so. I think Courtney’s weirdness deserves a place all by its self.

Does Courtney have a lot of trouble? “Yeah, but I’m sexy.” Like baseboards and trim, sexy can hide a lot of trouble.

Courtney then tells a story about her and Nicole Kidman. Something about both being up for a part in a Moulin Rouge. They didn’t get along. I was only half listening by this time so don’t quote me on this. It was written that Nicole was described as “Ice” and Courtney was described as “Fire.” Some time later they were in an elevator together. Nicole says to Courtney, “So, I’m ice and you’re fire.” Courtney says how she missed the opportunity for the absolute most perfect and incredible comeback line. Courtney pictures herself coming to her floor, stepping out, and as the elevator begins to close, saying “And you’re a puddle.” Oh, those missed opportunities.

As the segment neared the end, Courtney begged Dave to ask her one more question. Please please please. Dave asks, “What do you weigh?”

ACT 5: It’s time for ‘Pat Farmer’s Untested Household Tips.’

(cut to Pat) “Next time your bathtub drain is clogged, pour in a can of Campbell’s onion soup. (hold up can) I haven’t tried it. If it works, let me know.”
This has been another untested household tip from Pat Farmer.

Before saying goodnight, Dave apologizes to scheduled guest sports radio host Christopher “Mad Dog” Russo. Dave says “he saw what was going on and ran into a cab.”

Chris was scheduled to be on the show back on June 23rd but was bumped from that show too. Demi Moore went long. I wrote this then, so I’ll just repeat it now.

Christopher Russo of the #1 Radio Sports Talk Show in America, The Mike and the Mad Dog Show on WFAN-660 in New York, was scheduled to be on the show tonight but we ran out of time. He has a new book out called, The Mad Dog 100: The Greatest Sports Arguments of All Time.

And that was our show for Wednesday March 17th, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I read this morning that after the show Courtney went to a bar downtown called “Plaid” and got arrested. I heard it was because she was wearing stripes. What a rebel.

Courtney reminded me of one of those new, self-propelled vacuum cleaners that looks like a George Foreman Grill. You just let it loose in a room and shut the door behind you. It moves across the carpet, changing directions each time it hits a wall or piece of furniture. Eventually, it will cover and vacuum the entire room. Courtney reminded me of that, although at least with the vacuum you have a clean floor at the end of the day.

I asked the other day, “Why the Play-in game for the 64-team March Madness? From Michael W. Hamilton:

“Why a Play-in game? A few years back there were 30 conference automatic bids and 34 at-large teams in the 64 team field. A new conference was created and the big conference schools did not want to lose an at-large bid so the NCAA created the play-in game. This game is between the two lowest ranked conference champs to decide who goes to the 64 team tournament.”

The new spring schedule is out for the majestic Lafayette Theater in Suffern, New York. Each Saturday will feature some of the greatest films of all time. I all ready missed The Magnificent Ambersons last week.

March 20: Buck Privates - Abbott and Costello
March 27: Modern Times - Charlie Chaplin
April 3: Some Like It Hot - Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon
April 10: The Wizard of Oz
April 17: The House of Fear - Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson April 24: Amadeus
May 1: Alfred Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train
May 8: The Adventures of Robin Hood - Errol Flynn and Olivia deHavilland
May 15: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
May 22: Way Out West - Laurel and Hardy
May 29: F.W. Murnau's silent film, The Last Laugh, with live pipe organ accompaniment
June 5: Who Show Liberty Valance - John Wayne and James Stewart
June 12: Thunderball - Sean Connery as James Bond
June 19: Jaws
June 26: Casablanca

We will be showing previously-viewed program the next two nights, thanks to the CBS coverage of March Madness:
THURSDAY MARCH 18: From January 15, 2004, Show #2107. Foreigners Tell Jokes; Dave Chappelle; Carmen Electra; and Al Roker with the Top Ten.
FRIDAY MARCH 19: From January 16, 2004, Show #2108. Audience Show and Tell; Christina Aguilera; and Gary Mule Deer.

I just filled out my March Madness Office Pool – I couldn’t name 4 college players this year but that didn’t stop me.
Upsets this weekend:
1st Round
Manhattan over Florida
Murray State over Illinois
Air Force over North Carolina
BYU over Syracuse West Michigan over Vanderbilt

2nd Round
Boston College over Georgia Tech
Michigan State over Gonzaga
S. Illinois over Stanford
West Michigan over NC State