It’s an exciting night here at the LATE SHOW. Sitting in our green room at this very moment is a man who calls himself, “Magic Brian.” We see a shot of Magic Brian. He looks like any normal guy. Nothing out of the ordinary. What makes him so special? Later in the show, “Magic Brian” will eat a light bulb!

The New York Yankees took it on the chin this weekend, losing a 3-game home series to the hated Boston Red Sox. Plus, their captain Derek Jeter is mired in an 0-for-25 slump. There’s a strange commercial running in New York covering this.

”Yankees star Derek Jeter is 0-for-25 since April 20th. His batting average is now down to .175. It just goes to show you, you never know what form our evil plots will take.

Al Qaeda – a Time Warner company.”

“FOX is proud to announce the latest reality sensation from the producers of ‘American Idol’ – American Idol Seniors.’ This time, there is no age limit in the search for the next superstar. And the judging will be tougher than ever. Don’t miss a moment of the no-holds barred, thrilling competition! Who will be the next superstar?”
Cut to footage of old Mr. Bones playing the spoons.
“’American Idol Seniors.’ Only on FOX.”

How are things going Renee? “If you need help, here I am.”

WHO DOES GEORGE W. BUSH REMIND YOU OF? We see our President from a recent speech in Buffalo, New York.

“...gets spread out and doesn’t over regulate. And it’ll . . . and the market will . . . . the market . . . . the market will act.”

We cut to a shot of Porky Pig stumbling over his speech.

And who is better than you, Renee? “Ain’t no man better’n me.”

OK. It’s time for Magic Brian. Magic Brian enters. How long has Magic Brian been eating light bulbs? Magic says about 4 years. Dave asks, “Kids shouldn’t try this at home, is that right?” Magic Brian thinks a moment, and says, “Unless they really want to.” I liked this. Dave was trying to free us of any liability but Magic Brian didn’t help.

I think we’re ready. Magic Brian removes the lit light bulb from an everyday desk lamp and bites the bulb at its base. He continues to chew and bite up along the bulb.

And what exactly did Magic Brian dine on?

A G.E. 40-watt crystal clear incandescent decorative light bulb.

“G.E. – light styles for lifestyles.”

“What did you have for lunch today?”
- “Oh, a light lunch.”
“How do you feel after eating that?”
- "Oh, a little light headed."
“Smart thing to do? No. He’s a dim bulb.”
”What’s for dinner?”
“Lamp shanks”

Top Ten: Things I Can Say Now That I Lost “American Idol”
And here to present tonight’s Top Ten list, JENNIFER HUDSON

#8. Ryan Seacrest isn’t as smart as he seems on TV.
#7. If you want to see me ‘perform,’ I’ll be working thenoon-to-8 shift at Old Navy.
#6. George W. Bush didn’t win the popular vote either, and he’d done pretty well for himself.
#4. Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was.
#3. I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling.
#1. I have one thing to say to the voters: What the hell is wrong with you people?

Dave still can’t believe Jennifer was voted off, especially since that one guy keeps coming back and coming back and coming back and coming back.

Paul tries to explain but sort of gets lost halfway through. He kept talking in hopes of finding something to hold on to but it didn’t happen.

MEGAN MULLALLY: The big Will & Grace finale is Thursday night and Jennifer Lopez makes an appearance. What was it like working with J.Lo? Megan isn’t sure how to say this but she admits to found J.Lo’s butt to be riveting. It was like watching a baby or a fire; she couldn’t take her eyes off of it. It was mesmerizing. Dave asks, “What was it that made it so captivating? The structure? The size? The shape?” Megan isn’t sure, saying “it’s so . . . something! As if it was transferred from somewhere else and put on her, but it works.”

J.Lo - Her future is behind her.

Megan spent the weekend with some old, longtime friends. Megan and her two friends hired a driver to take them around. The driver sized up the gals and said to one friend, ‘You look like you’re 26 years old.” To the other he said, “You have a Coke bottle figure.” Megan thinks he meant “hourglass.” To Megan, he said, “You look good in glasses and I like your shoes.” After rehashing what’s been going on in their lives, they realized they were the last 3 people on earth without their ears pierced. So they made an ear-piercing road trip. Dave has no interest in having his body pierced or tattooed. Megan agrees. “I’m too fickle,” says Megan. “If I got a tattoo, I would hate it in a week.” But Megan got her ears pierced. She has her trainer on tonight.

My 8-year-old Danielle got her ears pierced this weekend as well. Dominique has no interest in such a thing. Yet.

ELI MANNING: The #1 pick in the 2004 NFL draft. He said he would refuse to play for the San Diego Chargers, but the Chargers picked him anyway. 3 picks later, the New York Giants picked a quarterback from North Carolina State. The Giants and the Chargers then swapped QB’s, the Giants sweetening the pot with 3 additional draft picks. Who got the better of the deal? As with any trade, only time will tell.

Were there other teams Eli didn’t want to play for? “No, only one” says Eli. Dave asked what is wrong with San Diego, and Eli simply stated “it wasn’t a good fit,” and it’s “not the right place to be.” From what I know about San Diego, if you’re going to play for a bad team, San Diego is a beautiful city to do it in. I’m still not clear on what Eli didn’t like about San Diego, but my guess is his dad Archie had a lot to do with it. Archie played for the New Orleans Saints in the 70’s and never got a glimpse of the playoffs, not close enough for a sniff. They were dread awful teams, no fault of Archie’s, and he was widely considered to be one of the best quarterbacks in the game, but his surrounding support was sorely lacking. I’m thinking Archie sized up the San Diego organization and sensed it was much like the New Orleans franchise of the 70s; no future, no drive, no vision, no success. Perhaps Archie didn’t want what happened to him to happen to Eli.

Eli’s brother Peyton is the star quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts. Dave asked who is the best quarterback in the family; Peyton, Eli, or his father Archie? I played along and said, “Say your father! Say your father!” I’m not sure how he answered but he didn’t say his father.

And what about Giants starting quarterback Kerry Collins? Eli shrugs. It doesn’t seem as if Eli would be sorry to see Kerry leave at all, and from what I’ve been hearing, it looks like Kerry is a goner. So does Eli jump right in as the starting quarterback right out of college, a rarity in NFL football? It’s looking that way.

If it’s up to Coach Coughlin, I would say Eli Manning will be the starting QB for the Giants.

If it’s up to Katie, Francine, or Suzy, I think Jesse Palmer will get the nod.

ACT 5: “It’s time for a Late Show Classic Audience Shot.” We see an audience shot over the audience shot. “These fans attended a taping of the Late Show on April 13, 1994. Dave’s guests that night included Crocodile Dundee himself, Paul Hogan and sports hero OJ Simpson. What a memory . . . and what an audience! This has been a Late Show Classic Audience Shot. Thanks for watching, and we’ll see you on TV!”

DIANA KRALL: From her brand new CD, The Girl in the Other Room, Diana Krall performed a jazzy, bluesy, “Love Me Like A Man.” I liked it lots. The CD comes out Tuesday (today).

And that was our show for Monday, April 26, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

It is gorgeous out today. It’s days like this that I consider taking up smoking just so I can go outside three times a day.

The weather changes quick here in the northeast. The other day I was putting summer clothes in the wash and taking winter clothes out of the dryer.

After church last Sunday I took out my summer clothes from the attic. I found a pair of Bermuda shorts I bought at end-of-the-season prices last fall. I must have bought them big because they fit perfect. I then decided to do one of the many household chores I’ve been meaning to get to; wash the windows. I got my CD player, slapped on some Led Zeppelin and got up on a ladder with my bucket and sponge. So there I was in suburbia; up on a ladder, Bermuda shorts, still in black socks from church, white T-shirt, bald, paunchy, and listening to Black Dog. Picturing myself I thought, “I don’t think this is what Jimmy Page and Robert Plant had in mind.”

Another sign I’m getting old. I turned on a Classic Rock station on the radio. I found the music to be too new.

This American Idol thing is getting real big, so big that it’s created a blip on my radar screen. Now that we’re having the idle Idols on our show, I’ve been forced to do some background research on the AI participants and staff. First stop: The American Idol website. I was quite fascinated by the website’s Jaded Journalist who recaps each American Idol episode. Imagine my surprise when I read issue #VII, Week 14: Tuesday - 4/20, where the Jaded Journalist commented on Ryan Seacrest wearing all black and then spent much of the column talking about sports instead of American Idol! Then in the next issue: Week 14: Wednesday – 4/21, the Jaded Journalist commented on how many mistakes he makes and how often he’s corrected by his readers.

As Mel Allen would say, “How about that?”

You can check out the Jaded Journalist at
http://www.idolonfox.com/recaps/index.htm

He’s good.

Barry Manilow performed the other night on American Idol. My 8-year-old twin girls both said, “I’m not voting for him!”

New JUMBLE record: Thursday April 22, 2004 – I set a new personal record in solving the JUMBLE.

The words were:
SMACH
LAVIA
ELYSEP
RATHEG

My total time was under 3 seconds. As fast as I looked, I solved. Damn, I wish there was a career in solving the JUMBLE. I would be rich. Then I could have some flunky write a recap of my daily solving of the JUMBLE for the internet. I’d call the recap The Wooha Gazette.

And now it’s time for a new segment to the Wahoo Gazette in something I call, “FUN WITH WINGDINGS!”
From Chicago, Illinois, Wahoo reader Alicia Adams

”I tried the Interobang experiment (WG, 4/13/04), with some interesting results.”

(an interrobang is a combined exclamation point with a question mark)

“I performed the experiment this way:
a) First, I typed in the ‘`’ from the first key top row of the keyboard as specified. Second, I also typed the ‘?’ and the ‘!’ as a control group.
b) Finally, I hi-lighted all items and at Format-Font I specified Wingdings 2,and specified 72 points size, in order to better view the results.
RESULTS: The ‘`’ became an ‘Interobang’, and in addition, a not unpleasant side effect to my experiment, was the ‘?’ becoming a ‘hand-pointing-to-the-right’ and the ‘!’ becoming a ‘fountain pen’, creating the final statement ‘Interobang points right to fountain pen’?!?!

(Sorry, as you had alerted us, e-mail restrictions prohibit sending Wingding 2characters without attachments.) Alicia !?!?”