Tonight Dave was trying to be more dynamic. Paul tries to do the same. To me it looked like spasms.

GEORGE W. BUSH PRETENDS TO BE INTERESTED. Dave has great sympathy for the man. He has to go to all these fund raisers and benefits and events and is forced to sit through some pretty boring stuff. Here we see him as an economic conference at Marshall Community and Technical College in West Virginia. A guy is discussing the need to help people find work. A bored George W. Bush seems to nearly nod off, and mumbles "Right."

CBS MAILBAG - assisting in the presentation of the letters tonight is Dave's assistant, Smitty, dressed as Amelia Earhart in our salute to Kansas.
Kansas is the Sunflower State. We later learn it is sometimes referred to as the Jayhawk State.
Before we get to the mailbag, Dave calls for a Lockheed L-10 Electra sound effect. Our man in the SFX booth punches up the Lockheed. If you missed the show, it went something like this:
"rffffffffffrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

LETTER #1: From Rodney Howell of Melbourne, Australia
"Dear Dave, The only think I watch on television is your show and Star Trek. Do you like Star Trek?"
Dave says he's not much of the Star Trek fan, but our building engineer George Clarke is a big follower of the series. Isn't that right, George?
Dave admits he loves the Star Trek. In fact, just last weekend he went to a big Star Trek convention right here in town. Thank goodness he thought of bringing a film crew with him.
We go to a clip. We see George getting dressed in preparation for the Star Trek convention. He gets on his Star Trek shirt and then his Spock ears. We follow as he runs down town to the local Sheraton. We hear George voice over his journey. "It's always lots of fun, and it's a great way to meet other people who appreciate the fantastical creations of the great Gene Roddenberry." George throws open a door and enter the convention room. Unfortunately, it's not the Star Trek convention. It's a Teamsters convention. You can tell it's a Teamsters Convention since all the participants were fat and balding. (What? My phone wasn't working???) The Teamsters chase George down and beat him to a pulp.

LETTER #2: From Rachel Bailey of East Greenwich, Rhode Island
"Hey hey David, Do you have any tattoos?"
Tattoos ain't Dave's style. He even said so Tuesday night. But our Alan Kalter got himself a tattoo. He gets up to show us the tattoo on his back. "I just got a tattoo of the regal emperor himself, the American eagle. Check out the detail: the awesome wingspan, the pointed talons ready to wrest its prey from the clear waters of a cool stream." Alan pulls unbuttons his shirt and reveals his back. The tattoo is not an eagle at all, but the printed words, 'BAD DYE JOB' with an arrow pointing to his scalp. Alan continues, "Observe his noble countenance as he soars majestically towards the heavens. It's something to behold, is it not?"
Dave laughs mockingly and says to Paul, "He thinks he's got an eagle on his back."

LETTER #3: From Tim Shell of Council Bluffs, Iowa
"I'm in the market for a new car. What would you suggest?"
Dave is not qualified to recommend a specific make or model, but points out that once you buy a car, you need to concern yourself with buying parts and keeping it on the road. There is a new commercial running in the New York area which addresses that very point.
"Looking for used automotive parts at rock-bottom prices? Come to Long Island Auto Salvage! We've got dozens of cars that were wrecked by Billy Joel! Buy two hundred dollars worth of parts and get a Billy Joel Greatest Hits COD! Long Island Auto Salvage, Route 113 in Plainview!"

Amelia Smitty liked that one.

LETTER #4: From Brett Thackara of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania
"Dear Dave, If you ever became President of the United States, what would be the first item on your agenda?"
Dave gets this question quite often and always answers the same way. The President has too many responsibilities and the job would be too much for Dave to handle. He certainly does not see himself qualified for the high-pressured position. Our former President Bill Clinton has written a book which gives a lot of detail of the issues a President faces in the Oval Office. Dave was lucky enough to get one of those audio book versions of Bill Clinton's memoirs, "My Life." We take a listen.

"The G7 Summit was over. But there was still one piece of business to attend to. I went upstairs and opened the door to my room - and there was the gorgeous Italian Deputy Ambassador. I went to her, all thoughts of global politics leaving my mind as my hands found her supple body. My trade deficit swelled to record proportions as she imposed severe economic sanctions . . . all night long."

KANSAS
4. Smith County, Kansas is the geographical center of the 48 contiguous states
5. Each year, Kansas wheat farmers produce enough wheat to make 36 billion loaves of bread, making it the #1 wheat producer in the United States
6. In 1917, the price of wheat in Reno County, Kansas was $3.17 a bushel. Today, the average price is $2.61 a bushel.

KANSAS STATE SONG
7. The Kansas State song is "Home on the Range"

HOME ON THE RANGE
"Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day."

On Monday we had the "Magic Brian" on to eat a light bulb.
Tuesday we had the "Magic Johnny Fox" to eat a martini glass.
Tonight we have a guy named Tyler Fyre to eat a lit cigarette.
He'll be out after the Top Ten.

TOP TEN: Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 67th Birthday.
#8. Arranged fleas on his chest to form number 67.
#7. Thanked Allah he wasn't drafted by the San Diego Chargers.

It's now time for Tyler Fyre to eat the lit cigarette. He enters, lights up, and gulps it down. He then exits. An exasperated Dave says, "Well, it's finally happened after 20 years. This show has turned into Circus Vargas.
What's Circus Vargas? I'm not sure, but I hear they don't take care of their elephants. For your files: Cigarette used: Lucky Strikes

JULIANNE MOORE: Dave describes her this way: inhale and "woooohhh"; Julianne got married last summer after being with the fellow for over 7 years. They had one child together. When a second arrived, they decided it was time to marry. Being unmarried with one child is OK. When a second comes around you pretty much know neither of you are going anywhere so you may as well get married.
Julianne tells the story of taking her son to a party to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Dr. Seuss's birth. "Will he be there?" her son asked. Julianne answered, "No, he's dead." Now the party made no sense to her son at all. Why have a party if the person you're going to have the party for is dead? Her son wisely offered, "Why doesn't someone just bake him a cake and throw it on his grave?"

Last year before the Academy Awards, Julianne was interviewed by Barbara Walters in one of those Barbara Walters Academy Awards specials. Barbara wanted to reenact a screen kiss Julianne shared with Toni Collette in "The Hours." Dave thinks that maybe Barbara wanted to get a little on the air. Julianne agreed, saying, "So I kissed her."
We see the clip.
Barbara Walters: "Am I threatening?"
Julianne: "No."
Barbara Walters: "So let's give it a try."
Julianne: "OK." Julianne rises and gives Barbara Walters a kiss.
"Playing the Dave" in the shack, a staffer hoped Dave would have said once out of the clip, "So, do you find my threatening?"

Julianne wonders if Dave ever kissed a guy on the show. My records show:
Dick Weber: Show #58, 11/17/93
John Travolta: Show #250, 10/10/94
Samuel Jackson: Show #348, 3/21/95
Chris Farley: Show #349, 3/22/95
Dan Rather: Show #867, 9/05/07
John Travolta: Show #898, 11/03/97
Roberto Benigni: Show #1096, 10/19/98
Donkey named 'Billy': Show #2153, 4/14/04

ROBERT KLEIN: Enters playing the harmonica. Robert Klein discusses the plethora of commercials on the TV concerning erectile dysfunction. If you have an erection for 4 hours or longer, consult your physician. Sure. Right after I consult the Guinness book.

I've had an erection for 4 hours. It's taken me 10 years, but I finally reached 4 hours. Don't get mad at me. I'm just reporting.

Robert Klein recalls his dad frowning over the lyrics to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" years ago. His dad wondered if "Tutti Frutti" was a code word for something. Yeah, it's a double entendre. Not too long ago, Robert listened in on his son's music with the lyrics, "Give it away, give it away, give it away, now." He said he marched right in to his room and demanded to know if they were code words for something!
Robert admits that sex is different now that he's gotten older. "Even my hand is becoming disinterested.
Look for Robert Klein's book, "The Amorous Busboy from Decatur Avenue." It'll be out in about 6 months, just in time for the holidays.

ACT 5: It's time for a Late Show Announcement. Do you look like your furniture? If so, you and your furniture could be chosen to appear on the Late Show! To be eligible, send in a Polaroid of you and your furniture to: 'I Look Like My Furniture! 1697 Broadway, New York, NY, 10019. And who knows? Maybe you and your furniture will appear on national TV! Good luck and get going. This has been a Late Show announcement."

Do I look like my furniture? Only the Chippendales.

TODD RUNDGREN: From his CD, "Liars," Todd Rundgren performed "Soul Brother."

And that was our show for Wednesday, April 28, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

During the mailbag after listening to the Lockheed L-10 Electra sound effect, Dave said, "Turn on the landing lights. I think it's Amelia Earhart." He laughed and referred to it as an old joke. This old joke didn't ring my bell. Any help?

April 28th was Saddam's birthday. Let's see his horoscope for this coming year. From the New York Post:

Your Horoscope for April 28, 2004
IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY:
"Yours is one of the birthdays of the year. How could it not be with the sun making excellent aspects to both Jupiter and Saturn, the planets that govern material success? However, don't think that means you can sit back and take things easy. On the contrary, the harder you work, the more you will accomplish and the bigger the rewards will be."

"I have a daughter who graduated cum laude with 2 degrees last year. I tried to impress her with my new knowledge that the name of the dot over the 'i' is not 'dot', but 'tittle.' She quickly queried "is the dot over the 'j' a tittle, too?" (say 'tittle too' three times real fast and see if you don't feel silly.) I wouldn't want to assume that it is a tittle too. Would your Useless Fact information have that? Thanks.

I did some googling and I found the following:
Grammar Doctor on some AOL page: The dots over the "i" and the "j" were added in the late Middle Ages so that they wouldn't be confused with lower case "l." (L).
I Googled "'dot over the i' tittle" and found 4 pages of stuff. I Googled "'dot over the j' tittle" and found nothing. According to the Grammar Doctor, the dot over the i and the j came into existence at the same time, so my guess is they each received the same name: tittle.