Happy Cinco de Mayo. In celebration, performing all night on our Late Show Marquee is a Mariachi band.
Dave says May 5, Cinco de Mayo, is another holiday the States took as their own and now it's just another day to drink. Nobody knows what it is but, who cares? Drink up!

John Kerry is working hard to appeal to the masses and is putting forth an image that shows him in a more human light. He's attempting to lessen the huge disconnect that is now present. Did you see his most recent campaign commercial?

"John Kerry was a well-known figure in Massachusetts even before his distinguished Senate career. He was a respected assistant district attorney. He served as Lieutenant Governor. And in 1980, at Boston's Fenway Park, he ran on the field naked and kissed Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski.
John Kerry for President - leadership you can trust."

CBS MAILBAG: And assisting in the presentation of tonight's letters, Dave's assistant Smitty dressed as a celebrating senorita in tribute of Cinco de Mayo. Dave and Smitty discuss the history of Cinco de Mayo and both said they were surprised to learn that Mexico was under France rule for a time. Smitty adds, "but just for 3 years."
Smitty presented tonight's letters in Spanish.

CARTA NUMERO UNO: From Martin Newber of Esberg, Denmark
"Hi Dave, What must one do to become a guest on your show?"
Before responding to the letter, Dave looks over at our Cinco-de-Mayo-Smitty who has moved down stage by the band. Dave gets nervous whenever people on stage start moving around without being informed why. So why did Smitty move downstage? "Because I was told." OK, I guess.

To answer the fellow's question, we at the Late Show invite people to come on the show all the time, and often times celebrities show up without notice. In fact, seconds before reading this letter Dave was informed that the star of the big hit, "Man on Fire," Denzel Washington stopped in and wants to say hello to the audience. Is he here? Is Denzel Washington, the star of "Man on Fire" here?
With that, an actual man on fire runs across the stage all ablaze. He runs hither, then there, then exits to an awaiting fire extinguisher.
Dave says, "Oooh, the smell of 'burning guy' is really something.
Dave says he now understands why Smitty was instructed to move.

CARTA NUMERO DOS: From Heather Smith of Cleveland, Ohio
"Dear Dave, if you could have any other job what would it be?"
Speaking of jobs, this is the time of year when Dave writes recommendations for the Late Show interns. And we have them here tonight. The scrim rises and we see 5 young, eager, interns praying for a good recommendation from Mr. Letterman.
As the camera pans left to right, Dave checks off the first one as "Good," the next one as "Good," the third one as "Don't Know Him," the fourth one as "Good," and the final one as "Paul's Nephew." Paul's nephew looks much like Paul. And I'm guessing he'll get a "Good" report as well. Hey, it's life.

After the 2nd letter, Dave asks about the piñata bird being held by Smitty. He asks her to bust it open. Smitty throws it down and a lone Smarty comes plopping out. Dave rises to assist and stomps on the candy-filled paper bird. Not much success here either.

CARTA NUMERO TRES: From Jason Blaser of Lake Mills, Iowa
"Dear Dave, Do you have a favorite memory from a cab ride to work?"
Although Dave likes to joke about New York City cab drivers, he admits they do a great job and most rides are uneventful. Just last week, the taxi fare was increased 26%. Here to update us on the new regulations and fare is the New York City Taxi and Limousine Commissioner, Mr. William Delace.
Delace: "On May 1st, taxi fares increased 26%. However, we've made several service improvements that passengers can take advantage of.
Number one: If the speedometer doesn't hit at least 85, the ride's on us!
Number two: If you can pronounce the driver's name correctly, you get a 10% discount. And Number three: You now have the option of sitting on the driver's lap.
Have a safe ride, or don't, from all of us at the Taxi & Limousine Commission! And as we say down in Del Rio, 'hasta luego, you low-ridin' punks!'"

Since it's Spanish night, Dave has Smitty say "Hasta luego, you low-riding punks." Try it yourself. It's fun.

CARTA NUMERO CUATRO: From Jimmy Gass of Rochester, Washington
"Dave, Do you wash your won car?"
Dave is amused; a question about a car from a guy named Gass. Hee hee.
Dave loves to wash his own car, and surprisingly enough, our stagehand Pat Farmer is washing his brand new car at this very moment. Pat owns one of those new gas/electric hybrid models. Is Pat out there? We see Pat sponging down his car. His pal Tommy sprays the hose to help out.
Pat: "Hi, Dave. Take a look at my new purchase. It looks great and with high gas prices, it makes more sense than ever." Pat enters car. "And the engine purrs pretty nice for a car that runs on electricity." A wet Pat turns the key to start the car. Pal Tommy continues to spray the hose on the electric car. Poor Pat jerks here and there, stunned by the electrocuted shock running through his body. The car explodes and disappears, leaving only Tommy alone with his running hose.
A shocked Dave can only say, "Did you see that? It 'sploded! And he 'esploded."

To finish up, Dave has Smitty swing her piñata bird around and around.

And the Cinco de Mayor facts prepared for Smitty
CINCO DE MAYO
1. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the victory of the heavily outnumbered Mexican Army over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1862.
2. Following Cinco de Mayo, Napoleon sent an additional 30,000 French troops and this time defeated Mexico. Archduke Maximilian of Austria was installed as ruler.
3. With political and military support from the United States, France was "kicked out" of Mexico within 3 years.

And in case we wanted to do something for New Mexico:
NEW MEXICO
4. New Mexico is the 5th biggest state.
5. The state nickname is "The Land of Enchantment"
6. The state motto is "Crescit Eundo"
-Latin for "It grows as it goes."

KATE BECKINSALE: in the Friday release of "Van Helsing."
Kate recently had her appendix removed. It didn't bother her much since it's not needed. I learned only human and rabbits have an appendix and neither use them for anything. Even though I don't need it, I hope to keep mine.
For some reason, Kate never learned how to drive. Living in L.A., that may be a problem. She says it isn't as bad as one would think; "I never have a problem getting rides." Dave can understand her never having trouble getting a ride. She has that look where guys will ask, "Hey, need a ride?"
Kate is engaged to be married to a director she worked with. She says an actress is permitted one marriage to a director or else you develop a reputation. (Yeah, but you'll always have work.)
Kate says her photo was in one of those British tabloids recently. She was in front of her gym doing a deep squat. The caption below the photo read, "I bet he can't wait to take her up the aisle." Now how inappropriate is that!
"Van Helsing" opens Friday and is about a monster killer who goes after Dracula, the wolfman, Frankenstein's monster, etc. We see a clip with loads of special effects.

I was talking to a few of the staffers who dealt with Kate Beckinsale before the show. They each mentioned how nice and polite she was. It's always nice to hear good things about the big stars when the camera is off. Good for Kate Beckinsale. She's nice. Obviously she hasn't been Americanized yet.

Before saying goodnight, Dave offers Smitty's services to teach her how to drive. Kate says she's all for it. When we come back, Kate will be driving!

In the bumper coming back from commercial, we see Kate in the driver's seat and Smitty giving instructions on how to drive. What has she learned so far? "Keep your left leg way over to the side. It does nothing." Dave says, "Well, that depends on what you're doing." (or something like that.) Kate steps on the gas and slowly pulls out into the street and drives towards Jersey. Ah yes, rush hour in midtown Manhattan is always the best place to learn how to drive a car.

SUE JOHANSON: The sex expert -- host of the Oxygen Network's, "Talk Sex with Sue Johanson," and the author of the book, "Sex, Sex, and More Sex." Relax, guys, the book has no pictures.
Sue was here last time about a week before Dave became a dad. She said at the time that his sex life was about to diminish. Was she right? Dave laughs a sad laugh. Dave asks when is the right time for his son Harry to start learning about sex? Sue says he's already learning. He's touching the thing, he's exploring, he likes it, and when you change his diaper he grabs it and won't let go because he knows it'll be four hours till he gets the chance again. It's a good idea to teach him when he's young because when he's reached his teens he won't listen.
Dave mentions all the advertisement for Viagra and Cialis and Levitra. What does Sue think of these products? She says they're fine but if you don't know how to use your thing, what's the use? If you were a lousy lover before, now you're just a lousy lover with an erection. And that's not good. Plus, you should be aware of the side effects. You can sometimes get an erection for three to four hours, and who wants that? (The horn section raises their hand.)
Sue then talks about the make up of the vagina. I was too embarrassed to listen, humming loudly and putting my hands on and off my ears. I did hear her say something about the vagina having no nerve endings at the top two inches. A disappointed Dave says, "Darn, that's where I do my best work."

ACT 5: It's the Mariachis!

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 5, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Tonight's Mariachi Band
Ramon Ponce's Mariachi Band.
Director: Ramon Ponce.
The Ramon Ponce Mariachi Band performs Classical Mexican entertainment.
They perform at Mexican Restaurants from Philadelphia to New York.

The New York Mets fans have no luck. The game's greatest player Barry Bonds comes to town and he has to sit out due to a sinus infection. I'm not happy about it either. The "Over/Under" was 5 for the number of intentional walks Barry Bonds would receive in the 3-game series. I bet the over. From Tuesday's Wahoo:

"Good News: Bad News.
First the bad news. This may be my last issue of the Wahoo Gazette.
And now the good news: I just received an e-mail from the former Attorney General of Nigeria. It seems my name popped up in some financial deal over there and I'm in line to receive millions of dollars. All I have to do is send some of my financial records to him so he can transfer the funds into my account. So if you don't hear from me tomorrow, smile a smile my way. I'll be vacationing in Hawaii. So long, Late Show"

Well, I'm still here. This Nigeria thing is a scam. If you get one of these e-mails, don't believe it. You know, I was wondering how my name popped up in Nigeria.

Have you seen the photos of the Iraqi prisoners being humiliated by American soldiers? That's not what's happening. No. The media's got it all wrong. It's just photos of college freshmen pledging a fraternity.

All day I'm wondering what new reality show will replace "Friends"?

Major League Baseball has agreed to promote the summer blockbuster Spiderman movie this summer by having the Spiderman logo placed on the bases for three games in July. Good grief. And this morning I read where each team will receive about $100,000 for this. Hoo boy, talk about a lack of return on your investment. They'll be paying twice that trying to convince us it's a good marketing idea.

CINCO DE MAYO - Instructional Materials Center
The IMC is located at the University of Missouri-Kansas City in the School of Education.

"Cinco de Mayo [the fifth of May] is one of 2 days which commemorate the independence of Mexico. Although Mexico's official Independence Day is el Dieciseis de Septiembre [September 16th], Cinco de Mayo is also considered a day of great importance.
Having gained its independence from Spain by 1821, Mexico continued to be a hotbed of unrest. Rich in natural resources and gold, this land was coveted by the U.S. in its push to span the North American continent, as well as by European powers who viewed Mexico as a political foothold in the western hemisphere. Its territorial disputes with the U.S. having been settled by 1849, Mexico's attention was then focused on Europe.
In the spring of 1862, after receiving word that French forces were marching on Mexico City, President Benito Juarez (a native Zapotec Indian) sent troops to head them off. It was on May 5th, in the little town of Puebla, that a small, ragged, untrained, and under-equipped army led by General Ignacio Zaragoza met and defeated the invading French, a well-armed, professional army led by Napoleon III. Though the battle was only a temporary setback for Napoleon, it proved to be the catalyst which provided the Mexicans with confidence enough to persevere and ultimately triumph over the French in 1867.
The French defeat must have surprised Napoleon III, the ruler of France, who was attempting to annex Mexico by taking advantage of the destruction and bankruptcy that existed there. Mexico's condition at that time was the result of the War of Reform (1858-1860), an internal political, economic, and religious struggle. At the end of this civil war, Mexico owed more than $80,000,000 to foreigners. France invaded Mexico, using debt collection as an excuse. Napoleon III's true motivation, however, was total control of Mexico and its potential wealth.
In addition to its importance in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo is significant to all Americans because it marks the last time that any foreign power has acted the aggressor on North American soil."

I asked my girls if they talked about Cinco de Mayo in school. Danielle said her teacher told her that Cinco de Mayo is Independence Day in Mexico. Uh oh. I googled an article on Cinco de Mayo, made a copy of it, and suggested that she tell her teacher that Cinco de Mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day. September 16, 1810 is Mexico's Independence Day. I gave her a copy of the Googled article to give her teacher. Will she correct her teacher in front of the class? Stay tuned for tomorrow's Wahoo.