We got the Diving Dogs tonight on 53rd Street. They’ll be jumping into a pool 35 feet long, 18 feet wide, and 4 feet deep. The pool holds 15,000 gallons of water. The runway is 45 feet long.

The Diving Dog World Record is 26 feet, 9 inches, set by a Lab named Kiki.

The Human Long Jump Record is 29 feet, 4 and a half inches, set by an American named Mike Powell. His nickname was also Kiki.

Weather conditions for tonight’s jump:
Temperature: 67 degrees.
Humidity: 46%
Barometric Pressure: 30.10 inches and dropping
Wind: From the southwest at 4 mph.
Visibility: 10 miles.

I include the above information because it was what I had prepared on Dave’s blue card. He only read a small portion of it. Without printing the whole thing here, my work would have completely gone to waste. Now it was useful in filling up 3 inches of Wahoo space.

Have you heard those yahoos at Major League Baseball have agreed to allow the summer blockbuster Spider-Man 2 to advertise their film on the bases? It’ll take place the weekend of June 11th. Right there on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base will be the Spider-Man 2 logo. Dave’s baseball buddies let him in on something even more disturbing. There is going to be advertisements on the bases this weekend as well. Dave holds up a base sent over to him.

We see on the base: “BALCO Steroids– The Official Steroids of Major League Baseball.”

Dave places the base on the guest chair and says, “I’ll leave this here for some of our shorter guests.” I laughed hard at his silliness.

OK, sports and steroids fans – what does BALCO stand for?

Answer: Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative.

It’s time for the Leslie Stahl Reaction of the Night – from 60 Minutes 2 – a woman says something about looking her name up in the phone book and calling herself. Leslie throws back her head and raises her eyes. 60 Minutes must have liked that reaction shot because they decided to go with it on the program.

Dave impersonates what Leslie must have been thinking, “Oooh, I’m terrified.” I thought it looked more like she had indigestion.

It’s a sad day in TV land, or so I’m told. Tonight was the series finale of Friends. Dave points out that before the final episode tonight, they’re having a one-hour reunion show. “They’re not gone yet and they’re having a reunion show?”

Dave then quotes a line from a country song, of if not from a country song it should be: “How can we miss you if you won’t go away?”

CBS was busy promoting their lineup against the big Friends finale. What’s on CBS Thursday night? Here’s the promo.

“NBC may have the finale to ‘Friends’ tonight, but just take a look at the exciting shows you can see on CS tonight!

At 8, it’s an all-new episode of the hit series, ‘Rainbow Stripes.’ (picture of color bars)

At 9, be sure to catch the heart-pounding season finale of ‘Blackout!’ (black screen)

And at 10, don’t miss the gripping drama about nature’s fury: ‘Blizzard!’ (static screen)

It’s all here, only on CBS!”

A slightly batty Dave says out of the blue, “I’m thinking I got caffeinated coffee tonight.” Paul laughs; agrees.

Did you see the NBC earthquake movie last weekend, 10.5? And in a few weeks another disaster movie is hitting the big screen called, The Day After Tomorrow about a modern ice age which destroys the planet. Scientists want to ease our fears brought on by these frightening sensationalized films. The science community has come out with this announcement.

“Movies like ’10.5’ and ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ raise important questions about natural disasters, but it’s important to remember these films depict fictional scenarios. And while earthquakes and climate changes are legitimate concerns, they don’t compare to the single most treacherous threat to the future of humanity . . . giant radioactive kitties. (see photo of a giant glowing kitty standing tall in the city)

A message from the Federation of American Scientists and the Ad Council.”

1. Happy Mother’s Day – Assuming you’re still alive.
2. Mom – I love you, but your house smells like grilled cheese.
3. I Love You, Mom, but I’m still messed up form the time I saw you naked.
4. Thanks, Mom, for inspiring me to be the best Shiite insurgent I can be.
5. Do I still have to send a card when you’re senile?
6. I can’t do brunch, so just get something at KFC and send me the bill.
7. Ever get the feeling dad’s gay?

Back from commercial, Dave decides to finish reading the batch of cards. 8. Mom, you seem much calmer now that you’re off the steroids.
9. I couldn’t afford to get you a gift because Trump fired me.
10. Thanks, Mom, for being cool about my internet sex video.
11. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re beginning to look like Dick Cheney.

And what was the Mother’s Day card Dave did not read? You can only read it here in the Wahoo Gazette.

You are not Isis, Queen of Egyptian Magic. You just forgot your medication.

Look for it next year. DIVING DOGS – We have 3 competitors tonight, Whiplash, Cappuccino, and Zeus.

Paul is putting his money on Whiplash. Dave is plunking down his dough on Zeus. DIVING DOG #1. From Philadelphia, Craig Rogers with his Jack Russell Terrier “Whiplash.”

What is Whiplash’s best jump? 22 feet, 6 inches. Let’s see how he does tonight.

Craig gets Whiplash all riled up and lets him go. Whiplash leaps far into the pool for a distance of 20 feet, 1 inch.

TOP TEN: Perks Of Being the Oldest Woman in America

TOP TEN FYI:
- a woman in Minsk, Belarus celebrated her 116th birthday today, making her the oldest woman in the world.
- Her name: Hanna Barysevich, born May 5, 1888.
- Her diet includes: homemade sausage, pork fat, milk, and bread.

#9. All you have to do is wake up in the morning and people are impressed.
#8. Unlikely anyone will say, “Could you give me a hand moving this couch?”
#6. That bitch that stole your high school boyfriend? Dead.
#3. It’s flattering to be asked out by Ashton Kutcher.

DIVING DOG #2: From Forney, Texas, Lindsey Hinds with her border collie, “Cappuccino.”

Lindsey has a border collie and all Dave knows about border collies is they are crazy. They can never sit still, always on the go, up and down, up and down.

What is Cappuccino’s best jump? Cappu once jumped 26 feet in practice but its best in competition was 25 feet, 4 inches.

Lindsey holds Cappuccino back as the border collie gets more and more excited to burst out. Lindsey releases Cappuccino, and using a Frisbee as the bait, the border collie leaps far across the pool. Distance: 23 feet, 7 inches.

We’ll come back later for the final jump.

TINA FEY: writer and star of Mean Girls, the #1 film in the country. It’s her first screenplay. That’s got to be exciting. It’s based on a non-fiction book, Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossips, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence.

I’m running out this weekend to get the book.

Tina’s been busy attending the press junkets which is really interesting. Lots of questions that aren’t really questions. One reporter said she saw the film twice and no one laughed either night. The reporter then went to New York Minute and everyone was laughing. Tina was waiting for a question but none was coming. The reporter just wanted to offer her condolences.

And then she was interviewed for the Kickin’ It With Byron Allen show, except Byron Allen was no where to be seen. But it will seem like he was after editing. She thinks Byron was at the Man on Fire press junket. It sounds like press junkets are a necessary evil in filmmaking. It’s important to impress the press.

(Note to self: at the press junket for my screenplay, supply great tasting sandwiches)

Tina was very excited at the big opening of her film. Lots of her family and friends were there. Afterwards everyone went back to her cousin’s house for a big party. There on the table was a big sheet cake with Tina’s face on it. This raised the ethical question: “Would you eat a cake with your face on it?” I certainly would, though it would depend on the icing.

Does Tina think girls are meaner than boys? Without hesitation she answers “Girls are way meaner than boys.” And it’s worse now more than ever. Tina says Dave is lucky he has a boy. Dave agrees. I can only sit and squirm. The next 10 years are going to be a stressful journey for Denise and me. Our girls will be going from 8 to 18. Yeesh. I haven’t seen nothing yet. I better enjoy today. Little girls, little problems.

Mean Girls is in theaters now. It may be too old for my girls but I’ll be getting the video to use as a learning tool.

DIVING DOG #3: From Evansville, Illinois, Mike Umbdenstock with his chocolate lab, “Zeus.” Dave says he once spent time in Hershey Park, Pennsylvania and went to the chocolate lab. What is Zeus’ best jump? 26 feet.

Mike lets go of the thundering lab and Zeus leaps into the pool. His distance: 25 feet! Good for first place. We have a winner. Dave quickly mentions something about the rarefied air of Mexico City. I laughed another big laugh. I laughed at this 36 year old reference.

In the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City, U.S. Olympian Bob Beamon bested the long jump world record by nearly two feet. In an event where records are usually beaten by fractions of an inch, this jump was absolutely off the charts. Unbelievable. It was a jump of a lifetime; truly historic. Though everyone agreed it was a remarkable achievement, some eased the hyperbole by stating the high altitude of Mexico City probably aided in the great distance of the jump. Dave’s quick aside to Mexico City following Zeus’ jump delighted me so. It was a joke told for his self and for the few old enough and sports-minded enough to remember.

For his victory in the Diving Dog competition, Zeus is awarded a trophy filled with dog bones. I’m hoping to see a certain photo of the award presentation in the newsgroup on Friday.

ACT 5: It’s a montage of the thrilling and exciting diving dogs.

MORGAN SPURLOCK: director, star, and a bunch of other titles for the documentary film, Supersize Me. The film documents Morgan’s 30-day diet of eating nothing but food from McDonald’s; 3 meals a day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He also reduced his activity to that of an average American, walking no more than about 2 and a half miles a day. Over that time, he ate every item on the menu at least once and only Super Sized when asked. What gave him the idea for the film came from hearing about a woman suing McDonald’s for her obesity. A spokesman for the company said “you cannot link our food to obesity.” Morgan decided to see if this were true or not. So how did he fare after 30 days of nothing but McDonald’s?

He gained 25 pounds, cholesterol shot up, and he got a fatty liver.

He went from 185-210 and his cholesterol went from 160 to 230.

His blood pressure went from 120/80 to 150/100.

At around Day 21, his doctor, friends, parents, and everyone else he talked to told him he had to stop. Only Morgan’s older brother gave the advice, “Morgan, people eat this stuff their whole lives. Do you really think this will kill you in 9 more days?” Morgan agreed and stuck to it for the remainder of the month.

His average caloric intake was 5,000 a day, about twice what is normal. He immediately started developing headaches, headaches that only went away when he ate more. He gained 17 pounds in the first 12 days. Surprisingly, his sky-rocketing cholesterol and faulty liver functions began to improve. His body was adapting to his new diet.

Now that he’s off the diet and back to eating what his Vegan girlfriend prepares, does Morgan miss the McDonald’s diet? Morgan says he misses it terribly. “Just thinking about a Big Mac makes my mouth water.”

I’m hungry. And that was our show for Thursday, May 6, 2004.

Wahoo EXTRA!


Now that Friends is retired, I wonder what show I now won’t be watching in that time slot.

You can count the number of Friends episodes I’ve seen on less than two fingers. The only one I recall seeing is when the David Schwimmer guy was supposed to go to the prom with the Aniston girl. Just today I learned that they didn’t all live together.

Hey, has anybody been reading Gasoline Alley? It’s been a great couple of weeks for the old strip. Check it out if you can find it.

There is nothing more enjoyable to read than a really good panning of a Broadway opening. Sure I’m sad for those involved, but to read the critics pour out their venom with a mixture of such disgust and glee is very enjoyable. Such were Thursday’s write ups for Prymate. Here is one such review. I’m including only the best parts.

New York Daily News – Howard Kissell:

How many monkeys typed up 'Prymate'?

PRYMATE
Drama by Mark Medoff. With Phyllis Frelich, Andre De Shields, James Naughton and others. Director: Ed Sherin. At the Longacre. Tickets: $25-$75. (212) 239-6200.

In nearly three decades of professional theatergoing, I don't think I've ever seen a play worse than Mark Medoff's "Prymate."

Admittedly, and to my eternal regret, I missed "Moose Murders."

But, reportedly, that at least provided amusement. "Prymate" just stuns you with its awfulness.

The play was done a few months ago on a college campus, where doubtless its B-movie plot materials passed for daring. Most of its plot turns are merely disgusting, and the fact that it was whisked from Tallahassee, Fla., to Broadway is an indication of how desperate producers are.

To call it a play dignifies what is merely an irritating piling-on of outrages. Sometimes you have to struggle to find just the right word to describe a piece of theater. In this case, it's easy:

The word is "atrocious."