During the monologue, Dave took a poll of the audience prior to a joke. “How many here plan on voting for John Kerry?” Applause. “And how many here plan on voting for President Bush?” More applause than Kerry. I’m always surprised when a New York audience leans Republican.

Dave takes a moment to mention Friday’s 4 AM Show. He admits we here at the LATE SHOW are sometimes dumb as a box of dirt. We usually tape from 5:30-6:30, but this Friday we will be taping the show at 4AM in the morning. Why? Well, we’re in New York and everyone knows New York is the city that never sleeps.

But this is the part where we think we’re smart but we’re actually dumb. We discovered that no one really wants to get up and be on the show at 4:00 AM in the morning. We have no one to be here and nothing to do.

To Dave there are very few absolutes in life but he can absolutely guarantee this 4 AM show will be one of the big bombs of the year. I laughed. But he’s not kidding.

Ever been struck by lightning? Dave has. 4 times. “As a kid, every year for 4 consecutive years at church camp I was struck by lightning. Why is Dave talking about lightning? Because it’s been raining and lightning and thundering here on the east coast today and now Senator John McCain is stuck in D.C. because the airline wouldn’t allow his plane to take off. It’s not a total loss, though. We will be talking to John via satellite. “HELLO, D.C.!”

CBS MAILBAG: and assisting tonight’s CBS Mailbag in the presentation of the letters is Dave’s assistant Smitty. Tonight, Smitty is dressed as Florence Nightingale. Why? Because today is the anniversary of her birth, May 12, 1820, and in honor of her birth today is also International Nurses Day.

LETTER #1: From Dottie Gillen of Strongsville, Ohio.
“Dave, Many celebrities . . . like Madonna, Billy Crystal, and even Jay Leno . . . have written children’s picture books. Do you have any plans for a book in the future?”

Dave says it’s true that many of today’s celebrities have written children’s books.
Madonna has her family.
Billy Crystal has his grandchildren.
Jay Leno has 100 cars.
And now Dave, too, has a children’s book as well. Dave holds up his recent publication. The cover shows a drawing of Dave holding a baby. The book’s title: When Daddy Is Old Enough To Be Grandpa.
Hopefully the book will answer a lot of Harry’s questions.

LETTER #2: From Steph Darwish of Pocheon, South Korea.
“Who shines your shoes?”

Dave makes no apologies for good grooming and has found a cheap and effective way of keeping his shoes shined. Dave calls for the camera to come behind the desk. We get a look of what goes on under Dave’s desk. It’s a dozen rats scurrying around his feet, buffing his shoes as they pass.

Dave thanks John the cameraman. Back to Dave at the Desk, we see him trying to shake free of the annoying rodents. One of the rats seems to crawl up his pants leg. “The son of a bitch bit me!”

LETTER #3: From Angelo Portal of Robersonville, North Carolina.
“Dear Dave, What is your favorite reality TV show?”

Dave loves the Survivor and was really excited about the final show Sunday night. The runner-up, Rob, proposed to the winner Amber Brkich and she accepted. It was quite a scene. We have a clip of that moment.

“Survivors Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich are engaged to be married, and they’re thrilled by the support and congratulations they’ve received from ‘Survivor’ fans! Rob and Amber would like to request the following wedding gifts:

- Antibiotics
- De-worming tablets
- Intestinal parasite medication
- Lice Shampoo
- Anti-fungal lotion
- Malaria antidote, and canker sore cream.

Thanks. A message from Rob and Amber.”

LETTER #4: From Derek Alldred of Cincinnati, Ohio.
“Hey, Dave, who’s your favorite musician?”

Dave says that day in and day out, the CBS Orchestra is the best part of the show. Dave runs down the names of all the band members. Bruce, Al, Bones, Paul, Will, Anton, Felicia, and Sid. Who is Dave’s favorite? Dave thinks it over and says, “Sid.” Paul is somewhat taken aback and questions Dave’s choice. Dave says he is a big fan of the guitar and acknowledges that Sid plays a really good guitar. A contemplative Paul rubs his chin and muses an “I see.” He then asks to be excused. Right in the middle of the show, Paul leaves the stage. We have a camera follow him to his office. There he reads up on the guitar; its history and its components. We then find him at Manny’s Music Store to pick out a guitar. He finds one he likes and brings it back to his office. He admires his purchase. He picks up the guitar and heads back to the stage. Once he returns, he walks over to Sid and whacks him over the head with the guitar. Sid is stunned.

Dave looks over at the scene that just took place. Paul is now back at his position behind the organ. Says a sarcastic Dave to Paul, “That was pretty violent how you . . . . placed . . . . that guitar on Sid’s head. And then rubbed it around.” Paul says we didn’t have the breakable guitar. If he really did smash Sid over the head, he would be on his way to St. Vincent’s Hospital as we speak. Why didn’t we have a breakable guitar? Paul says he doesn’t know. “That’s not my department.”

Any more facts about Florence Nightingale from Smitty? “Sure. Before she became a nurse, most were hookers and drunks. And then she cleaned up the operation.”

Hey, now, that’s a real fun fact!

And that was Mailbag for tonight.

And here are the facts prepared for Smitty about Florence Nightingale.

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE/INTERNATIONAL NURSES DAY 5/12/04

1. FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE WAS BORN MAY 12, 1820 IN FLORENCE, ITALY AND IS REMEMBERED FOR PIONEERING AND MODERNIZING THE NURSING PROFESSION

2. DURING THE CRIMEAN WAR IN 1854-1856, HER INTRODUCTION OF “SANITARY SCIENCE” TO BRITISH MILITARY HOSPITALS DRASTICALLY CUT THE MORTALITY RATE OF THE WOUNDED.

3. FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE BECAME KNOWN AS “THE LADY WITH THE LAMP,” IMMORTALIZED IN A POEM BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

TWO VERSES FROM THE LONGFELLOW POEM: FACT #3
(If Dave calls for it)

“SANTA FILOMENA”
The wounded from the battle-plain,
In dreary hospitals of pain,
The cheerless corridors,
The cold and stony floors.

Lo! in that house of misery
A lady with a lamp I see
Pass through the glimmering gloom,
And flit from room to room

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN – (if you’re new here and work for the media and you’re not familiar with the Wahoo Gazette, please don’t quote me on anything. I write this on the fly and get a lot of things wrong.)

The Senator is speaking to Dave from the Hall of States in Washington DC. I first heard that the Senator wouldn’t be able to make it to the show at 4:00. What to do? After kicking this idea around and that idea around, it was decided to try to do this thing via satellite. We rushed Senator McCain to a workable location and had a CBS camera crew get there lickety-split. Handing out the scripts 20 minutes before show time, I saw a lot of phone work getting done in the Control Room. Nice job by those who put this together on such short notice.

Dave mentions to Senator McCain that it’s been a terrible few weeks for America in Iraq. John McCain says it’s the saddest he’s been since he’s been in public life. What saddens him most is how this recent prisoner abuse has harmed the reputation of the exemplary military men and women.

What mistakes were made which led to this calamity?

McCain says there were not enough troops in Iraq which resulted in those that were over there to be overtaxed, under trained, and left undisciplined. He adds that there was an environment which led to this unfortunate action.

Who’s to blame? That’s what’s being investigated now. How far up the chain should or will the blame go?

Did this kind of thing happen in WWI, WWII, the Korean War, the Viet Nam war? Senator McCain says that in battle, soldiers are in such a state that they do things they never would think possible. But in this case, the mistreatment of the prisoners in a prison system is totally unacceptable.

Dave says the Senator has the rare, though not unique, perspective of what it is like to be a prisoner of war. Did he suffer such humiliation and torture? The Senator says he and his fellow soldiers were treated very rough physically, but were never sexually humiliated. He adds that this type of humiliation is especially humiliating to the Muslim religion.

He spoke to Donald Rumsfeld the other day and it didn’t get off to a good start. Senator McCain asked about the Chain of Command. Rumsfeld said “General Meyers here has a chart to show the Chain of Command.” The General said, “Uhh, I forgot to bring it.”

Dave laughs a sad laugh, equating the excuse to “The dog ate my homework.”

Back from commercial, Senator McCain wants to point out that our men and women in Iraq have performed hundreds of acts of kindness over there which goes unreported. The great majority of our soldiers are doing great work.

McCain says the longer this goes on, the more the Iraqis will view American as occupiers rather than liberators. And after viewing this tragic act of violence, the beheading of an American civilian, McCain stresses that the people that did this are the people who were in charge when Saddam was in office and “we don’t want them in charge of the Iraqi people.”

What will become of Iraq once we leave? Senator McCain says “Iraq will likely have a flawed democracy . . . we still do after 200 years . . . but they will be better off without Saddam as their leader. They deserve the same freedoms as we do.”

To finish, Dave asks McCain his thoughts on football player/solder Pat Tillman. Senator McCain said it was an incredible honor to be present for his memorial service. He adds that Pat Tillman taught all Americans that there’s no nobler cause than to sacrifice for your country and your freedom. And that was what he was doing. And he did it without fanfare, without press releases, and certainly a significant financial and lifestyle difference than he could have enjoyed.

TOM DREESEN: Tom is a big fan of the golf, hosting and playing in many celebrity golf tournaments throughout the year. He once played with astronaut Alan Sheperd who once famously hit a golf ball on the moon. A woman came up to Sheperd and asked him about that shot, wondering if it ever came down. Sheperd explained that the moon has 1/6 the gravity of earth so although it would fly further, it would eventually come down. The woman then asked, “Did they ever find it?” Sheperd just turned and said, “They?

Tom then started a new story and said something that nearly made me jump out of my seat. He said, “I played with Mike Ditka last week . . . .” Reading this doesn’t seem like much, but the way he said it, lazily dropping the last syllable in ‘Ditka’ made me sit up and yell “What!” I mistakenly thought he said something else.

Tom beat Mike Ditka in a round of golf and Mike paid him off in Levitra. Hey, pharmaceuticals are hot right now.

Tom mentions the Cialis commercial he saw on the TV recently. It claims one of the side effects is you may star aroused for 4 hours. It warns, “If so, call a physician.” Tom has a better idea; “If I stay aroused for 4 hours, I’m calling a press conference!”

Dave is always looking for a Sinatra story from Tom whenever he’s on. Tom opened for Frank Sinatra for many years back in the day. Tom tells Dave that Frank would be the perfect guest for the 4 AM show. He wouldn’t go to sleep till the sun came up.

One night Frank was going at it pretty hard and Tom simply had enough. He told Frank, “I got to get up early to see all those dead guys.” Frank says, “What dead guys?” Tom replies, “All those guys who tried to stay up with you.”

ACT 5: It’s time to play “What’s In Alan Kalter’s Pocket?”

Alan reaches into his inside breast pocket and pulls out . . . . . a quarter pound of ground turkey.

This has been “What’s in Alan Kalter’s Pocket?”

If you said “a quarter pound of ground turkey,” you won!

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 12, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!


It’s cut and paste Wednesday!

While I was looking up a topic for how Smitty should be dressed for her mail presentation, I thought maybe a scan of this date in history would unlock something. Before I discovered that it was Florence Nightingale’s birthday, I found this:

May 12, 1963: Bob Dylan walked out of dress rehearsals for "The Ed Sullivan Show" when CBS censors told him he cannot perform his "Talking John Birch Society Blues." When told the tune may be libelous, Dylan refused to appear on the show.

And here are those “libelous” words CBS would not allow.

TALKING JOHN BIRCH SOCIETY BLUES:

Well, I was feelin' sad and feelin' blue,
I didn't know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them Communists they wus comin' around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.
They wouldn't gimme no peace. . .

So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the John Birch Society,
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walkin' down the road.
Yee-hoo, I'm a real John Bircher now!
Look out you Commies!

Now we all agree with Hitlers' views,
Although he killed six million Jews.
It don't matter too much that he was a Fascist,
At least you can't say he was a Communist!
That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.

Well, I wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned Reds.
I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn't find 'em . . .

I wus lookin' high an' low for them Reds everywhere,
I wus lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .

Well, I wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my T.V. set.
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain.
Them Reds caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus red stripes on the American flag!
That ol' Betty Ross . . .

Well, I investigated all the books in the library,
Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away.
I investigated all the people that I knowed,
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go.
The other two percent are fellow Birchers . . . just like me.

Now Eisenhower, he's a Russian spy,
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there's just one man
That's really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell.
I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus.

Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn't imagine doin' anything else,
So now I'm sittin' home investigatin' myself!
Hope I don't find out anything . . . hmm, great God!

And now a little history about the play, “Moose Murders.”

By Peter Filichia. February 22, 2002

You know what today is, don't you? It's Washington's Birthday, of course...but I'm talking theatrically. And every theatrical savant worth his salt can tell you that, 19 years ago today, Moose Murders opened at the Eugene O'Neill. (Today is also, of course, the 19th anniversary of Moose Murders' closing at the Eugene O'Neill).

Moose Murders, by Arthur Bicknell. Directed by John Roach (though somehow I remember Norman René's name originally attached.). Starring Eve Arden--for one preview, anyway, before Holland Taylor took over. Kent Shelton was credited not with providing "stage combat" but "stage violence." The musical supervisor was Ken Lundie, who must have wished that he were Mr. Lundie in Brigadoon so that he wouldn't have to show his face for the next 100 years.

I attended an early preview of the show, weeks before the opening-slash-closing. I opened the program to discover that the characters I'd meet included Snooks and Howie Keene, Joe Buffalo Dance, Nurse Dagmar, Hedda and Stinky Holloway. Who could ask for anything more? Well, I could, as soon as the curtain went up on a rustic lodge in which several moose heads were mounted. "Though the heads may be hunting trophies," Frank Rich of the New York Times would later write, "one cannot rule out the possibility that these particular moose committed suicide shortly after being shown the script that trades on their good name."

The show began with Howie, a blind man, playing an electric piano as his wife Snooks shook her tush at us while she sang "Jeepers, Creepers"--a song which, incidentally, my Catholic school nuns urged us not to sing because it mocked Jesus Christ. (Who knew? Well, my nuns always believed they knew everything.) The next character in was someone who, perhaps, agreed with the nuns, for he pulled the plug on the piano...but not the show. It wasn't long before I pulled the plug--soon after Joe Buffalo Dance, a Native American dressed to look the part, spoke in an Irish brogue, and immediately following a totally bandaged quadriplegic's being rolled on stage in a wheelchair.

So when people ask me if I saw Moose Murders, I have to answer: "Yes and no." For I lasted--I mean this--11 minutes, still the shortest time I've ever spent at a show. Had I known the play would become infamous and not just another quick closer, I might have stayed on. But I'd been on a business trip, had schlepped my luggage to the theater, was sweaty and hungry and not in the mood to have my intelligence insulted any more than it had to be. So I missed the second-act scene that I heard about later, where the quadriplegic magically bolted from his wheelchair and kicked a moose-suited man below the belt.

Moose Murders has now and forever become an idiom for atrociousness. When Chess opened on Broadway, critic Joel Siegel of ABC called it "the Moose Murders of musicals." Michael Musto of The Village Voice compared the dull opening night party of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle to the show; he was probably reminded of it because Bullwinkle is, after all, a moose. Glenn Loney of the New York Theatre Wire wrote three seasons ago, "The wonderful, admirable Judith Ivey has made a return to Broadway in Moose Murders. Actually, her rickety vehicle is titled Voices in the Dark." Robert Hofler in Variety, who didn't like Ivo Van Hove's revisionist look at A Streetcar Named Desire, said it was "for those who missed Moose Murders and Carrie." And speaking of Carrie: When that legendary disaster opened, Frank Rich said, "Only the absence of antlers separates the pig murders of Carrie from the Moose Murders of Broadway lore."

Frankly, Frank Rich's best observation about the show came in June of 1983, when he did a season wrap-up. It was the same semester that Noises Off triumphantly opened on Broadway, and Rich smartly noted that Nothing On--the very silly play-within-the-play in Noises Off--was pretty much analogous to Moose Murders in its ineptness. Of course, Noises Off was winking at incompetence while Moose Murders was playing it for real.

Still, those who were involved with Moose Murders have a sense of pride in having survived it. Casting agents Stuart Howard and Amy Schecter still list it in their bios. Lisa McMillan, who played Nurse Dagmar, and Mara Hobel, who had a minor role, do the same--adding for extra cachet that they appeared with Eve Arden. Production stage manager Clifford Schwartz refers to the show as "the blockbuster Moose Murders" in his credits.

Recently, I interviewed June Gable, who brought up out of the blue that she'd been Snooks in the show. "Eve Arden was a lovely woman," Gable remembered, "but it was very hard for her at the time to memorize lines. You'd be on stage, you'd wait for her to deliver her line, you'd see her eyes widen, and you'd go, 'Oh-oh.' But the whole thing was such a disaster, I've dined out on it for years--especially at Joe Allen's, where the poster has a central place on the Wall of Flops."

I mentioned the quadriplegic who came on totally bandaged. Gable did not remember him. "You know, thank God, I have very little memory of the show," she confessed. "It was an outrageous experience and it was one reason why I left the business shortly afterwards. I actually went to India and spent a year there searching for the meaning of life." (She's done better since; she has made several appearances on Friends as Estelle Leonard, Joey's tough agent. At the moment, Gable is at the George Street Playhouse in New Brunswick where she's portraying Dr. Gorgeous in The Sisters Rosensweig and is tearing down the house.)

I asked Gable if she knew that Moose Murders stunk by the time she got to page four. "I knew it was very weird," she conceded. "I didn't want to take the job, but my agent at the time said to take the money and run. They offered me so much--a real Broadway salary! Those were the days when I made decisions on a more superficial basis. Money?!" she growled, not unlike the way Lonny Price growled the word in "Franklin Shepard, Inc." "Awright! Okay! I took the job. As I was going through the [rehearsal] process, I did wind up thinking, 'What is this? What can this be?' I even wrote an article on Moose Murders for Esquire magazine." Gable promised to send me a copy but she hasn't yet; if she does, I'll let you know what it says.

Moose Murders may not have had as many lives as a cat, but there have been other productions. Whippany (NJ) Park High School did the show in 1990 and proudly advertised it as "'Broadway's ultimate disaster'--Frank Rich, The New York Times." Youngstown State University revived it, too, as did the Canyon Theatre Guild in Newhall, CA; the Kent Trumbull Theatre at Kent State University; the Ardmore (OK) Little Theatre; and my personal favorite, the Blue Slipper Dinner Theatre in Livingston, Montana.

And every year, in his suburban New Jersey home, Simon Saltzman--drama critic of a newspaper called US-1 that serves people who live near that highway--invites a bunch of friends to his house to read the script of Moose Murders to a number of head-shaking attendees.