Le Parker Meridien Hotel on West 57th Street is offering a $1000 omelet on their menu. With us tonight is the chef responsible for that omelet, Chef Emile Castillo. He will be teaching Rupert how to make the said omelet. Before we even start we learn that it is not actually an omelet but a frittata. What is the difference between an omelet and a frittata? Chef Emile explains. Besides the $994 dollars difference in price, I'm not sure if there is much of a difference.
Why so expensive, this frittata? It includes lobster and caviar. I'm not sure but I believe Chef Emile said he had sold two $1000 frittatas earlier today.
While Chef Emile and Rupert prepare the Frittata, we'll conduct business at the show.

Last night on PBS there was a special in which Oprah tried to depict going back in time and living the way people used to. We take a look to see how she did. We see a dinosaur eating screaming people. I don't think she did too well.

Dave complains that his throat is bothering him. "If feels like my throat is on fire." He calls for some gin to douse that fire.

Have you been keeping up on the invasion of the 17-year cicadas. They appear every 17 years and this is the year for the emergence. Dave saw an odd commercial regarding this just today.

"Billions of cicadas are now emerging from the ground to swarm over large parts of the United States, just as they did in 1987, 1970, and 1953. Interestingly, these horrible marauding insects only appear when a Republican is President.
Tell the filthy Republican cicadas you're not going to take it anymore. Vote for Democrat John Kerry for President.
Paid for by John Kerry - leadership you can trust."

GEORGE W. BUSH JOKE THAT'S NOT REALLY A JOKE:

"I think I'd rather be President than Mayor, at least my phone number isn't in the phone book.

Dave says he'll always remember Tony Randall for his youthful spirit, always energetic, and a wonderful professional. We would call him at the last second when we were in need for comedy, which was often, and he would be quickly on his way over to the theater. We always offered to send a car but he would say "no thanks" and take the subway. When he was on the set, you just knew everything was going to be OK. Dave calls him a true professional. He made everybody better. He made everything look so easy and he loved what he did.
We then offer a brief montage of some of his visits to the Late Show and all he's done for us. Shown with Bob Dylan's "Forever Young." Very nice.

I once performed with Tony Randall in a bit for the show. I really don't remember the piece but after the show during a Post-Tape I found myself standing on one side of a door. Dave and Tony would knock and I would answer and deliver my line. I had been on TV for the show a few times already so I was feeling confident and comfortable. With the cameras rolling, Dave and Tony knock. I open the door and deliver my line. But I flubbed it. We had to do it over. Now I'm standing alone behind the door and all I can think of was if I mess up again I am REALLY screwed! I mean, I had Dave Letterman and Tony Randall waiting on me! I said a quick prayer and waited for the knock. Talk about nervous. Yeeesh. Thankfully, I did it correctly the second time.

And now that scene from August 7, 1998:
Letter #4: From Bret Miller of Columbia, South Carolina
"Dear Dave, I love the bits where you call people, but I am not convinced that they are not rehearsed."
- Dave says, "We often do comedy bits in which I interact with real people, and I'm always troubled when viewer assume it's fake. You know what, Bret, hang on a second. Cover me, Paul." (Dave runs out guest entrance - roll vt of jet flying. We then see Dave approaching Bret's front door. He knocks. I answer.)
ME: (stilted) "Oh, my God, it's David Letterman!"
DAVE: (stilted) "That's right, Bret. I figured a spontaneous visit would prove to you that our live comedy bits are 100% real."
ME: "You're the best talk-show host ever! Hey, look, it's Mailman Tony."
TONY RANDALL: "So, David Letterman, I guess all your live comedy bits are real." (looks at his watch) "By the way, have you met my intern?" (model enters; Tony winks. Cut wide shot of the four of us laughing. Canned laughter.)
DAVE: "Well, better get back to the show!" Dave exits; end vt; returns through guest entrance.
Now that I read it again, I remember screwing up the second line. I said, "You're the best talk-show ever." I left out the word "host."
And that's the way it was.

Back from commercial we see Dave pour a small glass of gin. He then chugs from the bottle. In his drunken voice as if trying to pick up a lady, he says, "Let me buy you a thousand dollar omelet, honey. I can do if, too."

TOP TEN: Signs Your Television Show Won't Be On The Fall Schedule - this is the week the networks pitch the new fall lineup to potential advertisers.
#10. It's a wacky workplace comedy set at Abu Ghraib prison
Dave reads the first three on the list and decides to call it quits. He doesn't like how it's going. Paul wonders why Dave is stopping. Dave says there is no reason to finish. Paul urges, "It was building." Dave thought it was going in the other direction. Dave continues mightily and struggles to finish.

Back to the Hello Deli we find Rupert and Chef Emile Castillo ready with the $1000 Frittata. The two fine masters of the oven march it down 53rd Street and into the Ed Sullivan Theater. They meet in front of the desk. Dave asks Chef Emile about Le Parker Meridien. Lots of vacationers? Yes. Lots of tourists? Yes. Lots of businessmen? Yes. Lots of hookers? No.
The $1000 Frittata is placed on the desk and Dave calls for Paul to come over to sample the delicacy with him. But before they dig in, Dave needs to get something. He reaches behind the desk and brings out some ketchup. Everything goes better with ketchup, even a $1000 Frittata. Dave and Paul sample. Dave lauds, "That's like a million bucks." Success.

CHARLIE SHEEN: From the CBS hit comedy series, "Two and a Half Men." The season finale is Monday, 9:30, right after "Raymond."
Charlie has never had a $1000 omelet but he did have a $900 mushroom. He had it while in Japan. It was on the menu, it was recommended, it was about $200 a bite, it was OK. Later that day he had to get to Tokyo for a press conference. He had a problem with the transportation and ended up taking a taxi. The cab ride cost him $4100. So in one night he spent $5000 on a cab ride and a mushroom.
Charlie recently had a newborn and had a similar "nose" incident as Dave had with Harry. The child grabbed hold of Charlie's nose and wouldn't let go. Dave and Charlie discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's newborn, Apple. The name "Apple" came into question and Charlie wondered if sponsorship was involved.
Jack Hanna is on the show tonight. Has Charlie ever worked with animals? He says he sort of almost did. He and George Clooney appeared in a movie entitled, "Grizzly 2," the sequel to the much heralded "Grizzly." The movie budget was depleted by the time they got to the bear scenes so there was no bear. There were a lot of close-ups of Charlie and George of them screaming, "Oh my God, look at that bear! Help! It's so big!"

Going into the commercial break, we see a bumper of Building Engineer George Clarke putting away the Late Show Bear.

Charlie's "Grizzly 2" story sounded very familiar and I wonder if George Clooney told it the last time he was here. I'll have to check the records. If Clooney told a similar story, I would like to book the Grizzly Bear and hear his side of the story.

JACK HANNA: Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo and host of his "Animal Adventures" TV program. I always enjoy Jack's visits, but unfortunately I missed most of his appearance tonight. I was busy putting together a shot for the close of the show.
Jack's animals tonight:
1. a baby fox and baby doll sheep.
2. a fisher, sort of like a weasel. Jack offers the fisher to Dave to smell but Dave exclaims, "I'm not smelling your weasel!" He eventually did and it smelled kind of nice. A fisher does not eat fish; it eats porcupines.
3. a pine snake. It hisses. The handler pointed the snake at Dave so he could get a better look at the reptile but Dave wanted no part of it. Dave don't like the snakes. Back from commercial we get to see:
4. an adult cheetah. Jack advises, "Never turn your back on a cheetah.

ACT 5: Alan Kalters voices his displeasure when that zoo guy comes around. Apparently whenever he's here, the animals crap all over his dressing room. He sarcastically charges, "Who doesn't love the stink of monkey?"

To close the show, we find a new item on Rupert's Hello Deli menu window.
The Hello Deli Presents:
The Hell Deli $1000 Frittata
Chives, lobster, Servuga Caviar.
Cost: $1000.

And that was our show for Tuesday, May 18, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

There was a very funny scene immediately after the show as scores of staffers surrounded the $1000 Frittata wanting a taste. Funny, but it was also pathetic. I ate about $73 worth.

I know you're dying to know. Here's the recipe for the Zillion Dollar Frittata now offered at Norma's at Le Parker Meridien hotel.
Ingredients:
6 eggs
1 tbsp. chopped chives
11/2 tbsps. butter
1 lobster
5 tbsps. heavy cream
10 ounces sevruga caviar

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Place whole lobster in a pot of boiling water. Boil for one minute, then put lobster in a bath of cold water. Remove tail from lobster and pry meat from shell, keeping it whole. Remove meat from claws and chop the meat. Cut the lobster in half and remove the tomalley, or liver (that soft, blackish-green stuff in the stomach).
Heat 1/2 tablespoon of butter in a small saucepan. Add heavy cream and bring to a boil. Cook three minutes while stirring. Strain sauce into a bowl and set aside.
Break eggs into a bowl. Add chives and half of the sauce and beat with a fork.
In an omelet pan, heat 1/2 tablespoon butter. Add chopped claw meat and sauté two minutes.
Add the egg-chives mixture and cook slowly over medium heat until firm, about five minutes.
While the omelet is cooking, in another saucepan heat 1/2 1/2tablespoon butter and cook the lobster tail for three minutes. Slice and arrange on top of the omelet and finish cooking in the oven two more minutes.
Place the cooked omelet on a serving plate and spoon remaining sauce over it. Spoon caviar on top and serve.
Bon appetite

A 40-year NYPD police veteran was honored yesterday for never taking a sick day in his career. I was singled out one year by the precinct captain for never taking a sick day in two years. I overheard some whispers from my fellow officers, such as the Union worked hard to get those sick days. I called in sick the next week.

Some the music heard under commercials are really puzzling. Victoria's Secret is using a Bob Dylan song. Led Zeppelin is selling automobiles. Imagine my surprise when I heard "White Rabbit" was the official song of Major League Baseball.

I need to apologize. Last night after work I helped a friend spackle his water-damaged ceiling. Neither of us ever spackled a ceiling before. I must apologize to all professional spacklers and sheetrockers out there. The result of our labor was an absolute disgrace to the profession. It was awful, just awful. I'm going back tonight to see the dried damage we created. I'll be going with a ream of sandpaper.