Last night in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, the Indiana Pacers defeated the Miami Heat 73-70 to advance to the next round. The Pacers will play the winner of the Detroit Pistons/New Jersey Nets series. I think the next Piston/Net game is in late June. Nice job, NBA.

I missed it but someone during the pre-show Q&A must have mentioned the 465 Bypass around Indianapolis because Dave had the map of the Indianapolis metro area at the desk. He explains how Paul had a street named after him and so he wanted something named after him. Dave was hoping the 465 around Indianapolis would be renamed the The Dave Letterman Bypass. In time, it would simply be known as “The Dave.” Sadly, the 465 will be renamed but the title is going to long-time Indianapolis Mayor Richard Luger. I think many of us saw what was coming next. Dave says, “And in time it’ll simply be called ‘The Dick.’”

CBS MAILBAG – and helping out tonight with the presentation of the letters is Dave’s assistant Smitty, dressed as Lance Armstrong for our salute to Texas and National Bike Month and Ride-Your-Bike to-Work Day.

LETTER #1. From Eric Christensen of Schaumburg, Illinois:
“Dear Dave, What do you usually do after the taping of each show?”

Dave likes to catch a movie and he was lucky enough to see the sure-fire blockbuster, Shrek 2. It opened today. People are already talking about it. We take a look.

“America’s favorite ogre returns! Just listen to what people are saying about this summer’s most eagerly anticipated movie! Roger Ebert calls it ‘heartwarming!’

And Senator John Kerry says, ‘I can’t say at this junction whether I liked it or didn’t like it. I deem it feasible to withhold further judgment or comment until all the facts are out, as this issue is far too complex to get into in such a limited forum. But I do feel it is pertinent to remind everyone that I was a military hero.’

‘Shrek 2’ opens today at a theater near you.”

Dave asks Smitty why everyone is now calling her ‘Gunther.’ Smitty says no one calls her Gunther except Dave

LETTER #2: From Mike Armstrong of Franklin, Minnesota:
“Is Big Red ever going to have his own show?”

Dave knows that Alan has been working on a standup comedy act. If he becomes successful enough he certainly could get his own series. Alan agreed to do a set for us tonight.

We find Alan in front of a brick wall with a handheld microphone.

ALAN: “Thanks, Dave! Hey, what’s the deal with my wife? She’s a total shopaholic! I tried to get her into the Betty Ford Center for treatment, but she wouldn’t go because there’s no gift shop.” (Rim shot from Anton)

ALAN: “Thank you! And when we’re getting ready to go out to dinner, she takes so long to get ready, I had to buy a second watch just to keep track! (Rim shot from Anton)

ALAN: “Thank you! Here’s another thing about my wife that bugs me. She claims she loves me but she’s sleeping with another man!” (Rim shot from Anton)

ALAN: “That’s right! I realize that our entire life together these past few years has been a lie, because of the unfaithfulness which cuts me like a dagger! Like, what’s up with that?” (Rim shot from Anton)

ALAN: “And you know the worst of it? I come to find out the man she’s seeing is someone I work with . . . .. the drummer who does the rim shots!” (Rim shot from Anton – we see a young shapely lovely snuggling up to Anton while he works.)

ALAN: “I tried to hard to be the man you wanted! I hope the both of you rot in hell!”

Announcer: “Catch Alan’s hilarious comedy stylings later this month on the Carnival Cruise ship ‘Fascination,’ and this Saturday at Long Island Community College’s ‘Laff Night!’”

Time for a fun fact: Gunther says, “In the United States there is approximately one bicycle for every car. In China, bicycles outnumber cars 250 to one.”

Dave doubts this fact, questioning Gunther of her source. She doesn’t answer. “Who gives you this information?” Gunther says, “Mike McIntee.” Dave answers, “Oh, OK.

I didn’t hear this at all. I was running to the podium with the article which had the “250 to 1” information. Not till much later in the show when someone said “Nice shout-out” and then explained what was said did I realize Gunther said my name.

LETTER #3: From Matt Rogers of Buffalo, New York:
“Dear Dave, Why is gas so expensive?”

Dave has no idea. Gas prices have gone completely out of control lately, and people are really starting to get angry about it. One group has even declared a nationwide gas boycott for today. Take a look.

“In recent months, gas prices have risen to record highs, while hardworking Americans could only sit helplessly and hope for relief.

But today, you can make your voice heard.

Join millions of other concerned Americans as we send a powerful message to the oil companies with National Gas Boycott Day.

And tomorrow, join us for ‘National Buy Twice As Much Gas To Make Up For Yesterday’ Day.

Because only you can make a difference.”

LETTER #4: From Rachel Coffman of Stevens Point, Wisconsin.
“Dear Dave, What do you Tivo?”

Dave says there isn’t much to TIVO these days, which is why Dave is glad the networks are unveiling their new shows for fall. Here to tell us what CBS has to offer is Vice President of CBS Late Night programming, East Coast, Vinnie Favale.

VINNIE: “Good news, shut-ins. Fall 2004 is going to be the best season ever at CBS. Have we developed top-flight comedies or gripping new dramas? Of course not. It’s because someone at NBC had a stroke and didn’t renew ‘Friends.’ (laughs) Thanks, geniuses. But we do have some quality programs we’re excited about. First, we are proud to introduce the latest installment of the ‘CSI’ franchise. Watch.”

(Roll vt – opening credits to “CSI: Stockholm.” We see a gruff detective leaning against a building smoking a butt. A young couple comes running up to him frantically explaining something in Swedish, possibly a crime that just took place. They continue to plead in the non-understandable Swedish. When they finish, the gruff detective slowly looks up and mumbles an annoyed, “What?”)

VINNIE: “We’re also bringing back ‘Survivor,’ and I know we were all touched when Rob proposed to Amber. Despite what some cynics have claimed, he didn’t propose as part of a ratings stunt – he proposed because she’s a really hot chick who just won a million dollars.

We’re also proud that ‘Becker’ is still around. I gotta fly. Gotta get back to the hotel and pry Tyne Daly’s head out of the minibar. (laughs) I love a rodeo. Later, losers.”

Vinnie exits.

And that was Mailbag.

The remaining fun facts on the list:
- The next Tour de France begins July 3rd where Texan Lance Armstrong hopes to become the first man ever to win 6 consecutive Tour.
- Texas is the biggest state in the nation, if you don’t include Alaska.
- Texas was an independent nation from 1836 to 1845.

And now where did I find the fact that bicycles outnumber cars in China 250 to 1?
http://www.bikeiowa.com/asp/bike/CommutingFacts.htm
It’s the final fun fact.

And that was Mailbag for tonight.

IS THIS ANYTHING?
It’s a guy playing volleyball with his dog. Or at least trying to. It wasn’t volleyball at all. Heck, it wasn’t even newcombe.

What do we know about this guy?
- he has performed in Japan and throughout Europe.
- He is paid $400 for this performance.

Paul and Dave both agree that this was nothing.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND: He’s the guy from the FOX superhit, 24. His step-daughter was recently married to a Scottish fellow. He first met him on a movie set. His step-daughter was visiting and this guy just happened to come along. Kiefer remembers telling the guy, “Stay away from my daughter,” with a colorful adjective thrown in. What Kiefer didn’t know was that they had been dating for a year and a half. Oops. Some time later, Kiefer received a phone call on his answering from the drunken Scot who said, “I’m in love with your daughter and you’re gonna have to deal with it.” A few months later he called Kiefer to get together for lunch. Kiefer suspects the fellow had no recollection of the phone call. He was right. When Kiefer replayed the message, the guy nearly dropped through the floor. Hey, it happens.

Kiefer also has a 16-year-old daughter who is just learning to drive. He wants her first car to be fully equipped with air bags and stuffed with all the bubble wrap he can find.

What’s Kiefer like to do in his free time? Skiing, doing the rodeo, and cooking. He’s great at making meals with stuffing.

The season finale of 24 is next Tuesday. You’ll be seeing hour 23 to 24.

TOP TEN: Cool Things About Pitching a Perfect Game
And to present tonight’s top ten list, live via satellite from Turner Field in Atlanta, Arizona Diamondback Randy Johnson.
- Randy Johnson highlights
- His nickname is “Big Unit”
- His perfect game was the 17th in Major League history
- Randy is now the oldest person ever to pitch a perfect game
- The former record is by 37-year-old Cy Young in 1904
- Randy is the 5th pitcher to throw a no-hitter in both leagues
- He twice struck out 19 batters in a game
- He was the 2001 World Series MVP
- Winner of 5 Cy Young Awards for the best pitcher in the league.

#10. “After this, I can go 0-15 for the rest of the year and honestly not give a crap.”
#7. “Cool to get congratulatory call from the President, even though he kept calling me ‘Larry’”
#4. “Your catcher hugs you and it feels kinda . . . neat.”
#3. “Maybe people will finally forget about the time I killed that bird.” (vt of his throwing a pitch and hitting a flying-by bird)
#2. “It’s just one more thing about me that’s perfect, am I right, ladies?”
#1. “George Steinbrenner just offered me a billion dollars to sign with the Yankees.

ACT 5: “It’s time once again for ‘Who’s In The Green Room.’”

Camera moves backstage to the green room. Door opens

“If you guessed LATE SHOW costume designer Susan Hum, you’re right! Nice goin’.

This has been ‘Who’s In The Green Room?’ Tell your friends.”

INCUBUS: From their new CD, A Crow Left of the Murder, Incubus performed “Talk Show on Mute.”

And that was our show for Wednesday May 19, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!


HEY! Who’s hoarding all the Michigan quarters? You’re screwing up my State Quarter Collection! C’mon, fork ‘em over!

So I went back to my spackling job last night to see how it came out. Yesterday I apologized to all the spacklers and sheetrockers out there for my attempting to do what only professionals should. My performance with the putty knife was an embarrassment. So I went last night to sand down my mistakes. I sanded and then reapplied another coat of spackle and the improvement was immense, though the job over all was still poor. Tonight I’ll do the final sanding then paint over my mistakes. Maybe I’ll make it stucco. That hides mistakes, doesn’t it?

I received this today from Wahoo reader Tom Cronin of Waldorf, Maryland:

”A frittata has the filling mixed in with the eggs and is usually cooked over low heat (or in the oven), giving it a quiche-like appearance. An omelet is cooked quickly on the stove top, and the filling is folded into it. Personally, I'd choose ham and swiss over lobster and caviar any day.

Spackle is a relatively quick drying filler designed to repair minor drywall damage (dings, nicks, nail holes, etc). I hope you didn't actually use spackle to re-texture the damaged ceiling: it would be impossible to get a good result. Instead, use drywall mud (you can purchase it in gallon or 5 gallon containers) and thin it a bit with water. Using a 10" mud knife, skim a light coat over the surface, then immediately "dab" the wet mud with a stiff bristle brush, trying to match the existing texture as closely as possible. You may want to practice on a piece of plywood first to get the hang of it.”

And you’re right about the ham and swiss over the lobster and caviar. And now my caviar story. I was invited to a prestigious yacht cruise around Manhattan. Everything was big time; caviar, champagne, evening sky, violins. For that very same evening, college friends had invited me on a boat trip around Manhattan featuring keg beer, 6-foot heroes, and Springsteen music on the tape deck. 50 from college were to be there. Since I was in the courting stage of my relationship with Denise (now my wife), I decided to attend the yacht cruise. Everything was top shelf. Everything was first class. We circled the glistening Statue of Liberty and we all sang “God Bless America.” We made our way around the lower tip of Manhattan and started heading north up the East River. I had a glass of Dom Perignon champagne in one hand, caviar in the other. I was surrounded by the rich and the famous. Could anything be better? And then out in the distance, a few knots away, I saw a boat floating south down the river. It appeared to be bouncing in the water. A string of lights were hung from front to back, half the bulbs not working. The sounds of “Badlands” could be heard over the hoots and hollering of its passengers. It was my college buds. I took a sip from my champagne and a taste of the caviar. Looking out in the distance at that boat of the blue-collared, I realized I made the wrong choice.

Happy 1st Anniversary to my brother Jack and Yuko. Congratulations!