It’s such a big show tonight, Dave wants to make sure that everything goes OK. In fact, if anything happens to him, he wants the show to go on. It’s common on Broadway to have a standby to the star in such cases and tonight we have someone backstage who sort of looks like Dave just in case.

And we have Renee to help out. Isn’t that right? We hear Renee, “If you need help, here I am.”

And what about Amelia Earhardt? Our sound effects guy pushes the button which makes the sound effect of Amelia’s plane.

Anything else from Renee? “Ain’t no man better’n me.”

Dave is excited for the new film, The Day After Tomorrow opening later this week. Have you seen the promo?

Shots from the film: “What if one storm changed the face of our planet forever? Where will you be ‘The Day After Tomorrow’? Starts Friday, which is actually three days after tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tuesday, ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ will open two days after tomorrow. Only on Wednesday will ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ truly open the day after tomorrow. And Thursday, it’s just tomorrow. So just remember ‘The Day After Tomorrow opens on Friday, three days after tomorrow. We apologize for the confusion.”

Dave says he tends to be hard on our president, George W. Bush. It’s the President’s job to represent Americans and many around the world; it’s Dave’s job to make fun of them. Tonight we have something called, “What the Hell is George W. Bush Talking About?”

From a May 13th appearance at a West Virginia High School.

“Our panelists are about to fall out wondering is (sic) the old guy said to me, ‘You’re just not a potted plant.’”

WHO SAID IT?
“I know we have a lot of work to do, but rest assured we’ll be ready to host the Olympics by 2012.”
Paul says it’s New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg who said that. Nope. Dave says it was the “head of the Greek Olympic committee.”

“After the election, it’s unlikely I’ll return to Washington.”
Paul says Colin Powell said that. Nope. Dave says it was “George W. Bush.”

“Look out, New York, we’re coming by the millions to ruin your summer.”
Paul says, “Cicadas?”
Nope. “Republican Conventioneers.”

“Though I’m a huge ugly ogre, I seem to have won the hearts of moviegoers.”
Paul says, “Shrek?”
Nope. Michael Moore.

Dave wants to skip to the last one: “The following contains graphic images, adult situations, and descriptions unsuitable to some.”
Paul says, “The disclaimer before ‘The Day After Tomorrow.”
Nope. It’s “the warning on Bill Clinton’s memoir.”

So what was skipped? Only one. And you’ll only find it here in the Wahoo Gazette.

“To most he looks like a horse, but to me he looks like a winner.”
Paul says, “A race fan talking about Smarty Jones?”
Nope. It’s a “voter discussing John Kerry.”

TOP TEN: Things Never Before Said on The Sopranos
Here to present tonight’s Top Ten list, the cast from the Emmy Award winning HBO series, The Sopranos.

#10. Dominic Chianese (Uncle Junior):
(menacingly) “You don’t have the money?” (cheerful) “That’s cool.”
#9. Aida Turturro (Janice Soprano):
“Screw this home cooking – I’m going to the Olive Garden.”
#8. Steven Van Zandt (Silvio):
“In addition to disposing of bodies, you’ll need to know how to use Powerpoint and Excel.”
#7. Robert Iler (Anthony Soprano):
“Wasn’t that guy in Springsteen’s E Street Band?”
#6. Jamie-Lynn Discala (Meadow Soprano):
“I just hooked up an illegal cable box so I’m getting free HBO.”
#5. Tony Sirico (Paulie Walnuts):
“Tony, I’m gonna need to leave early today for Rosh Hashanah.”
#4. Drea de Matteo (Adriana):
“I want a bigger part – what are you gonna do, kill my character?”
#3. Michael Imperioli (Christopher):
“Hey, Paulie, how about you and me going up to Massachusetts and getting married?”
#2. Edie Falco (Carmela Soprano):
“I can’t go to prison – Martha Stewart will eat me alive.”
#1. James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano):
“I just whacked myself”

That was way cool. Even better than the time we did a top ten with the cast from Regis.

Right before the show I did a quick check to see how many times The Sopranos won an Emmy Award for Best Drama. I found not a once. What’s up with that? For some reason The West Wing keeps winning the category. I would say the Emmy Award voters are totally wrong on this but I can’t. I’ve never seen The West Wing. Hey, it’s up against The Bachelor so don’t give me grief. I had written an intro for the show’s top ten (see above) figuring The Sopranos had one a few Emmys. When I found the show as a whole had never won, I had to go back and re-write the intro.

NICOLE KIDMAN: She hasn’t been here in 3 years, and yet she lives right here in New York City for much of the year. Did Dave do something that made her angry, is there a problem? Nicole says of course not. It’s a usual fear of Dave’s, thinking it a safe bet that someone is angry at him for something. While Dave is trying to determine how many days/weeks/months a year she is in the city, Nicole charges “You sound like the tax department.” I laughed at the funny but honest line.

Nicole smells wonderful as ever. Nicole thanks Dave for the complement, reminding him that she makes her own fragrances. What is she wearing tonight? “A combination of musk and vanilla.” You can tell Dave has a comeback and stops himself as Nicole continues to say something. This gave all us time to “Play the Dave.” What fragrance would Dave say he concocted? I yelled out, “A combination of Old Spice and Hai Karate.” Someone offered Aqua Velva instead of Old Spice. Dave said, “I’m wearing a combination of . . . . Tang and Malt Liquor.”

Is Nicole dating? It’s a subject Nicole seems to be reluctant to discuss. Nicole simply says “I don’t date,” hoping the subject will go away. Dave follows, “. . . but you might?” He wonders how one would “date” Nicole. How would one facilitate a meeting? Nicole says if she were interested, she would give her cell phone number.” Dave says he is so much in awe of Nicole and her beauty that if she gave Dave her cell phone number, he would never call her. Nicole doesn’t quite understand what Dave means so he clarifies by saying that he would be so intimidated by her exquisite beauty that he wouldn’t be able to phone her, though he adds “You would probably get a lot of hang ups.” I laughed. Been there, done that.

Nicole is starring in The Stepford Wives which opens June 11th. The cast includes Matthew Broderick, Bette Midler, and Christopher Walken. And this summer she’ll be filming Bewitched” playing the part of Samantha Stevens. Oooh, I hope Mr. Tate is played by Dabney Coleman!

ACT 5: “If you’re going to be in the Los Angeles area and would like tickets to ‘On Air with Ryan Seacrest’, call 323-308-7100. Maximum 6 tickets per person. Anyone under 18 must be accompanied by legal guardian. Come on down and join the fun, “On Air with Ryan Seacrest.’

AVRIL LAVIGNE: From her new CD, Under My Skin, Ms. Lavigne performed “Don’t Tell Me.” And that was our show for Monday May 24, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!


This just in: The Will It Float? item from Friday, the 32-ounce can of lighter fluid, floated. It did not sink. My error. Make changes accordingly.

I overdid it this weekend. Lots of painting Friday night, morning cutting of the lawn followed by raking, resulted in my back going all out of whack. Spasms all weekend. Worst of all is I lost the clicker to the TV so I was stuck having to watch 9 innings of a Met game on Saturday . . . even the commercials. I don’t remember the last time I’ve watched so many commercials.

Happy Victoria Day to all my Canadian and English friends. Victoria Day is held in honor of Queen Victoria (1837-1901) to celebrate the birthday of the long reigning and popular queen of England. It is celebrated in England, Canada, and other former British colonies and territories. Her 63 year reign of the British Empire was the longest of all monarchs.

Some things you may not have known about Queen Victoria
- The earliest postage stamps in the world were the Penny Black of the United Kingdom and had the head of Queen Victoria on them. They were first used on May 6, 1840.
- At a child Queen Victoria was trained to keep her chin up. To help her out, holly was put under her collar to irritate her if her head was down.
- Victoria’s mom spoke German at home and even though she ruled England for 64 years, Victoria never learned to speak perfect English.
- As soon as she could (after taking over the throne,) 18-year-old Victoria moved her bed from her mom’s bedroom to her own room.
- Queen Victoria was the last teenager to rule England.

And speaking of things you may not have already known:

USELESS FUN FACTS:
- Almonds are members of the peach family
- The symbol on the ‘pound’ key (#) is called an octothorpe.
- Only 1/3 of the people who can twitch their ears can twitch only one at a time.
- 100% of the people who just read the above useless fun fact just tried to twitch one ear.