Dave sits and says, “Let me tell you who is on the program tonight so you can decide if you want to stay.” It’s nice to have that option. I don’t.

Dave is unhappy with his Starbuck’s coffee today. Monday was great, as was Tuesday. But on Wednesday the Starbucks manager must go away on his yacht and leave the coffee making to some dumb kid because on Wednesdays, the Starbucks coffee stinks. It’s just not right. Unhappy with the Wednesday Starbucks service, Dave viciously eyes the camera and speaks directly to Starbucks: “I will bring you down. I will bring you down to Chinatown.”

Paul suggests that from now on, Wednesdays should be vodka day. GEORGE W. BUSH KNOW YOUR IRAQI PRISONS – from a recent speech.

“Under the dictator, prisons like (pause) Abu (pause) Gah-raip . . .”

CBS MAILBAG: assisting tonight in the presentation of the letter is Dave’s assistant Smitty. Tonight, Smitty is dressed as Buddy Rice. What can Smitty tell us about Buddy Rice?

- Buddy Rice, from the Rahal/Letterman Racing Team, will be participating in this week’s 88th running of the Indianapolis 500. And where will Buddy Rice be starting the race? “On the pole.” Why? Because he’s the fastest of the fast.
- And who are the other two drivers in the Indianapolis 500 from the Rahal/Letterman Racing Team? Vitor Meira (7th position) and Roger Yasukawa (12th position).

LETTER #1: From Stacy Bettis of Lonoke, Arkansas
“Dear Dave, if Bill Clinton’s book is over 900 pages long, how long will the David Letterman book be?”
I don’t think Dave has plans of writing a book, but Billy Joel recently put pen to paper and authored this Childrens’ Book, “Daddy Hurt the Car Again.” On the cover is a drawing of Mr. Joel with his son.

- 300,000 will be in attendance for the 88th Indianapolis 500.

LETTER #2: From Charles Sheets of Lewisburg, West Virginia
“Dear Dave, Any plans for summer vacation?”
Dave is looking forward to seeing the film, The Day After Tomorrow. It’s all about what global warming could do. And live via satellite, we have the Chairman of Cornell University’s Environmental Studies Department, Dr. Russell Hirsch. We cut LIVE to the doctor in his office.

DAVE: “Are you there, Doctor?”
DR. HIRSCH: “Right here, Dave. Good to be with you.”
DAVE: “How do you respond to the claims that the events featured in this movie may one day occur.
DR. HIRSCH: “It’s a load of horse ‘djoy’.”
DAVE: “Thanks, doctor.”

- For the Indianapolis 500, Buddy will be driving the Argent Mortgage/Pioneer Electronics Honda G-Force, also known as the blue and red car with the number 15 on the back.

LETTER #3: From Trey Lewis of Raleigh, North Carolina:
“Hi Dave, What other shows (not including your own) do you watch in your free time?”

Dave says he doesn’t watch much television these days although I’m curious to check out MTV’s upcoming all-gay cable channel called, ‘LOGO.’ It looks like it could be a big hit. We take a look at a clip.

“Coming soon to your cable service, it’s LOGO, the first TV channel aimed exclusively at the gay audience. LOGO will bring all your gay favorites, including ‘Will & Grace’, ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,’ and the gayest show on television, the ‘Late Show with David Letterman.’ That’s LOGO. Call your cable provider today.”

LETTER #4: From Andy Skeen of Knoxville, Tennessee:
“Dear Dave, These damn cicadas are making it difficult for me to hear ‘The Late Show.’ Do you have a suggestion on how to get rid of them?”

Dave answers, “Well, there is no way to get rid of cicadas. Unfortunately, it’s something we’re just going to have to put up with . . .”

As Dave speaks, he is interrupted by a creature named, “Gerry the Cicada.” He enters loudly.

CICADA: “Ain’t nobody getting rid of me! You ain’t getting rid of me! I’m in your face, America!
DAVE: “Oh, it’s our old friend Gerry the Cicada. The cicadas pop up every 17 years. Welcome back.”
CICADA: “Thanks, Dave. Quick question – I’ve been gone since 1987. How’s Judd Nelson’s career going?” (rim shot) “What up, Judd? You just been ‘Cicada’d!’”
(Cicada’d! graphic flies in, then out)
DAVE: “So where have you been the last 17 years?”
CICADA: “I’ve been buried deep in a muddy hole way below the earth. Here, I have a photo.”
(cut to a photo of Gerry the Cicada in a muddy hole standing beside Dick Cheney.)
DAVE: “So what are you hoping . . .”
Paul suddenly begins playing Latin music.
CICADA: “Hey, did someone say ‘Lambada?’” (Gerry the Cicada begins dancing the Forbidden Dance.) “Oh, that felt good.”
DAVE: “No one said ‘Lambada.’ So what have you been doing since you came back?”
CICADA: “Well, take a look at what I did last night.”
(cut to vt - shot of Gerry the Cicada in bed with a female
Female: “So where the hell’s Spider-Man? You told me you’d introduce me to Spider-Man.
Cicada: “He’s coming, baby.”
Back LIVE to Dave.)
DAVE: “Now that we’re all sick, I’ll ask one last question. The cicadas will be disappearing soon. How does it feel to be going away for another 17 years?”
CICADA: “I dunno --- ask Martha Stewart.” (Rim shot) “What up, Martha! I just ‘Cicada’d’ your ass!”
DAVE: “Gerry the Cicada, ladies and gentlemen.”
CICADA: (exiting) “Don’t Worry, Be Happy, everybody. Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

TOP TEN: Questions I Asked Myself Before Casting My ‘American Idol’ Vote.
#9. “Will I have the courage to speak if Paula answers the phone?”
#5. “What would Jesus do?”
#3. “Do I really want to risk the same heartbreak I suffered when Clay lost?”
#2. “Why does my phone smell like baked beans?”

MANDY MOORE: She’s a singer. She’s an actress. It reminds me of the Razzles controversy many years back.

Talking about family, Mandy says her brother wants to go to college to study World History. Dave says, “Oooh, that’ll pay huge dividends.”

Mandy’s been in New York City for the past 2 months making the film, Romance and Cigarettes with James Gandolfini. Dave points out there is another film out now called, Coffee and Cigarettes. He then advises, “Don’t buy coffee at Starbucks on Wednesdays,” adding that “some dumb kid is in charge on Wednesdays.”

Mandy got her first big appearance in the music business when, at the age of 10, she sang the National Anthem before an Orlando Magic basketball game. For two years she sang the National Anthem at quite a few sporting events. Ever sing the Canadian National Anthem? Mandy says she hasn’t. Dave and Paul both laud the song.

And now, MY CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM STORY. I was attending college at Cortland State in Central New York my senior year. A bunch of us decided to walk on down to the Red Dragons hockey game against some team from Canada. The arena was empty, fans of Cortland hockey nearly nil since this was their 4th consecutive rebuilding year under Coach Forbes Keith, or Keith Forbes. I don’t remember which. Anyway, the Star Spangled Banner was played on a scratchy record before the game. When it was done, without prompting, the ten of us began to sing the Canadian National Anthem. We used to sing the shortened version before our floor hockey games and jumped at the chance to sing it here before a LIVE audience. The entire song went like this:

“O Canada, glorious and free. We’ll stand on guard, we’ll stand on guard for thee. Oh Canada, we’ll stand on guard for thee!”

And that’s my Canadian National Anthem story. Sure, it wasn’t much of a story but look at how much Wahoo space it filled up.

We see a clip from Mandy’s film, Saved, which opens in selected cities on Friday. I wasn’t expecting to like it but I was wrong. I really liked the little bit I saw and I’ve put it on my list of movies to see if I ever went to movies. This movie could be real fun, and that girl from Welcome To The Dollhouse is in it so it must be good. Honestly, I’m not sure what I liked about it but it left me wanting more.

NATE ERWIN: the bug expert, he’s the director of the Smithsonian Museum’s Otto Orkin Insect Zoo. We meet him center stage at the demo table with our host, David Letterman.

How many different types of insects are there? Nate Erwin estimates there may be 10-30 million types of insects, but we’ve only gotten around to naming a little over a million at this time. Dave points out that each and every insect has a role in the vast ecosystem. Nate concurs.

But what about the Cicadas? Tell us about the Cicadas! This year’s 17-year cicadas are dubbed Brood 10 and promise to be the biggest of all. Nate estimates that there will be billions of billions, if not trillions, of cicadas emerging this year. This year’s emergence will cover several Midwest states and some eastern states. My town seems to be on the cusp. We may, we may not get the cicadas. Of course, I’ll let you know when I know.

Here’s the life of the cicada: The adult cicada emerges from the ground. The males chirp the chirp they do in search of a willing female. The female cicada will mate with only one male cicada, which explains why the male cicadas chirp so loud. The females then lay up to 600 eggs and when they hatch, sometime in mid-July, the young cicadas fall to the ground and burrow back into the ground. There they live for 16 years living on tree roots. In year 17, they emerge for sex.

Are cicadas edible? Sure they are. Nate Erwin prepared some for Dave to sup on. Dave looks backstage and invites our friend “Gerry the Cicada” out to try some cicada. Gerry slowly meanders out. While “G the C” makes his way, Dave invites Paul over as well. Paul says, “I don’t eat cicada. I’m Jewish.”

Dave tries a cicada and says, “It tastes like walnuts.”

Gerry the Cicada is offered a cicada, tastes, and says, “Mmm, that’s good cicada.” I enjoyed that line. Gerry the Cicada tries one of the chocolate covered cicadas, which he says tastes like raisinettes. Walnuts, raisinettes, dang – these guys were making me hungry.

Any other bugs? Nate offers Dave an Australian Stick insect, asking “Would you like to try it on?” Nate places the Australian Stick insect on his lapel. It sits there like a pin. When Nate looks down for a second, Dave swats at his other lapel as if to kill the Australian Stick insect. Nate quickly looks up in fear that Dave had just done the unthinkable. Ha! Dave tricked him. Dave’s “swatting” at the Australian Stick insect reminded me of the time Dave had a woman on the show who brought in potato chips that looked like celebrities. When she wasn’t looking, Dave took a . . . . oh never mind. I made this mistake once before.

ACT 5: “If you have a gay idea you’d like to see on the Late Show, jot it down on a postcard and send it to:
I Have A Gay Idea for The Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019.

If you idea is gay enough, maybe you’ll see it on the Late Show – The Gayest Show on Television!

We’ll be right back.”

COUNTING CROWS: singing their song from the Shrek 2 soundtrack, Counting Crows rocked with “Accidentally in Love.” And that was our show for Wednesday May 26, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!


And the remaining Buddy Rice/Indianapolis 500 Fun Facts prepared for tonight:

4. THE INDIANAPOLIS MOTOR SPEEDWAY IS A TWO AND A HALF MILE TRACK. THE LAYOUT HAS BEEN UNCHANGED SINCE THE FACILITY OPENED IN 1909.

5. THE TRADITION OF DRINKING MILK IN VICTORY LANE WAS STARTED BY LOUIS MEYER AFTER WINNING THE 1936 RACE.

6. THE NAME OF THE TROPHY PRESENTED TO THE WINNER OF THE INDIANAPOLIS 500 IS THE BORG-WARNER TROPHY, COMMISSIONED BY THE BORG-WARNER AUTOMOTIVE COMPANY IN 1935.

7. BUDDY RICE IS 28 YEARS OLD, SINGLE, AND FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA. HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS “SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT.” From the March 30, 2004 issue of the Wahoo Gazette:

“Wahoo Gazette prediction: in a future mailbag piece we will find Late Show writer Gerry Mulligan playing a 17-year Cicada.”

Having Mandy Moore on as a guest made me think of this old joke:
Back in High School there was a girl named Adeline Moore. We called her P.S.

Earlier today I mistyped a blue card. I meant to type “George W. Bush Pretends to be Interested.” Instead, I typed “George W. Bush Pretends to be President.” I chuckled at my enlightening goof.

I brought one of those big 24-packs of Quilted Northern Bathroom Tissue a few weeks ago. I now realize you need the 24 packs because you go through the roll in no time at all. It’s a joke. Sure, the brand is quilted, but each roll is so fluffed with air that you’re down to the cardboard lickety-split. I’ll take your basic Scotts 1000 sheets any day. At least they last.

Very sad day for me today. While I was getting ready for work I heard one of my favorite songs of all time; The Rolling Stones' “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” I walk into the living room to turn up the radio but it wasn’t on the radio. It was on the TV. It was a commercial. A commercial for Coca Cola’s low carb soda. Those ‘nsdystfd’! Look what they’ve done to my song, ma.