George W. Bush Pretends To Be Interested - We see the President at a function, listening to a woman who is trying to enlighten. She doesn't.

George W. Bush Tries to Pronounce "Donor."
-"You know, I checked with Colin, I think this is true. We're now the biggest 'doe-noor' to the North Korean people."
Since he is the President, we questioned ourselves. We were right. It's spelt "donor" but pronounced "doe-ner." In this case, the President was wrong. Unless, of course, we are North Korea's biggest "doe-noor" and I simply don't know what a "doe-noor" is. If that's the case, I apologize to the President.

Audience Choice! The audience has a choice tonight. They can either see Tom Hanks come out and say hello (see Tom Hanks in the Green Room), or they can see footage of a skiing camel.
It's obviously been a long time since Forest Gump because the audience decided on the skiing camel. Sorry, Tom, but thanks for coming.

On Monday we had "Magic Brian," the guy who ate a light bulb.
Tuesday we had Magic Johnny Fox, who ate a martini glass.
Wednesday was Tyler Fyre night and his eating of a lit cigarette.
Whom do we have tonight? Magic Todd Robbins, a man who will eat a cockroach, swallow it, then urp it back up. And as always, I ask the same thing. Fine, you can do this. But how did you do this the very first time?

Magic Todd places the large live cockroach on his tongue and draws it into his mouth. Making swallowing motions with his face and neck, Magic Todd opens his mouth to reveal its emptiness, then opens again moments later to show the cockroach's return. Magic Todd performing this stunt in this manner is both entertaining and economical. Imagine the cockroach cost run-up without the urp.
Todd Robbins produces his own Broadway show, "Carnival Knowledge" at the Soho Playhouse and is nominated for a Drama Desk Award for his performance.

At the top of the ACT 2, Dave says he's feeling 'fuzzy' tonight. He's on the Bextra, some kind of inflammatory. He doesn't seem inflamed so I guess it's working.
Bextra? My guess it's provides extra Vitamin B.

TOP TEN: sponsored by sink-hole.com.
Top ten things you don't want to hear at Hooters - we sent a guy as a Hooters server and a hidden camera to a local Hooters restaurant.
#8. "Don't worry, your waitress is taking a load of penicillin. I'm sure she's not contagious."
#6. (bringing fries) "See if you can tell which one of these I sneezed on."
#1. "Here's your wet-nap." (spits into napkin, hands to customer.)
I once had a wet-nap, but I'd rather not talk about that now.

During the Top Ten Dave admits to feeling a little 'off' tonight. He's searching for something. That's what's bothering him. I "Played the Dave" and said "the warmth the spotlight can't provide." Dave says, "I'm looking for the love the spotlight can't provide." DING!

KELLY RIPA: Looking great! Dave says she looks remarkable. Kelly says she may look small but "I'm deceptively heavy."
Dave asks Kelly what her all-time low weight is. I "Played the Kelly" and said, "7 lbs, 9 oz." Nope. Kelly said "110." BUZZ.
Her all-time high? 130 lbs. What made her decide to go on a diet? When the producers of the Soap she was on told her to.
And how tall is Kelly? 5'2".

Kelly's 6-year-old recently got his maiden stitches in his head when he fell into the safety fence at school. In Manhattan, many of the school playgrounds are located on the roof and fenced for the children's protection. Dave says it sounds more like a prison yard. The young Ripa kid was running and playing as children do and fell against the fence. The boy received a "special band-aid" to close up the cut. This "special band-aid" is also known as stitches, but don't tell little Ripa. The young'un didn't realize he was getting the stitches until he was on the doctor's table and saw the reflection of his head in the doctor's glasses.
Dave recaps: "So your son injured himself on a piece of equipment that was supposed to provide safety? That's actionable." Kelly laughed, and although she somewhat agreed, she's decided not to take action since she has two more children she wants to get into that school.
To close out the segment, Dave offers, "I got a great guy if you want to go after this school."
I found this very funny because it's all so true.

In the next segment, Dave again marvels at Kelly's appearance. "There isn't a thing big on you." Of course, Dave means this in only the best way. I again, "Played the Kelly," and said "I hear the same thing about you." But I was wrong. Kelly went in the opposite direction and said, "That's now what they say about you," or something like that.
So how much does Kelly actually weigh? There's only one way to find out. Bring in the scale.
Kelly: 108
Dave: 190
Paul: 175

JENNIE FINCH: pitcher for the U.S. Olympic Softball Team and co-host of the long running, "This Week in Baseball. Plus, she's one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People. Yowzer! Beautiful, athletic, and talented.

My blue card info:
-attended the University of Arizona, 1998-2002
-set an NCAA record with 60 consecutive victories
-was the 2001 and 2002 National College Player of the Year
-was a three-time first-team All-American
-Jennie Finch also hit 50 career home runs
-Selected to the 2004 U.S. Olympic softball team
-Her fastball has reached 71 mph (43 feet from mound to home plate) - this is the equivalent of a major league fastball at 100 mph (60.5 feet from mound to home plate)

The Olympics are in Athens, Greece the last two weeks in August. What teams does Jennie expect to give the U.S. the hardest fight? Jennie says Australia and Japan. Jennie can throw 71 mph, and from the 43 feet distance from the mound to the plate, it's equivalent to a 100 mph fastball from the major league distance of 60 feet. Only one or two major league pitchers today can reach that speed. And with her pitching style, by the time she releases the ball, Jennie could be only 35 feet from the batter. In fact, she can strike out a batter and then pat her on the back all in the same motion.
She is able to get so close to the batter because of her height (6'1") and by what is called, "crow hopping." I think the "crow hopping" is the lunging off the pitching rubber as you release the ball. Anyway, there is a limit to how much you can "crow hop" so you don't end up behind the catcher when you release the ball.
Is their more stress on the arm throwing overhand or underhand? Jennie says it's always been said that throwing overhand is more stressful but now that the softball underhand pitch has become so fast and hard, it is becoming equally as stressful. Jennie will be demonstrating her pitching prowess up on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater by pitching softballs at some 8th floor office windows.

ACT 5: "Attention Late Show viewers! Has Billy Joel smashed a car into your house? We'd like to hear about it! Send your story to 'Billy Joel Smashed a Car Into My House!',
c/o The Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
If we choose your entry as the winner, you'll receive a bucket of premium spackle! Good luck and get going!"

Up on the roof, we see Jennie Finch in her softball attire. The distance from the pitching rubber to the window is a little further than she's accustomed. This distance is 55 feet. After one or two misses through an open window, Jennie is keyed in and makes a handful of perfectly placed pitches right through the window. Oops, that last one got away and smashes a nearby closed window, shattering it completely. Back in my day when that happened, all us kids would cheese it.
Nice job, Jennie, and good luck to you and the U.S. Olympic Softball Team. Also on hand in case needed tonight was U.S. Softball Olympian Jenny Topping.
Jenny Topping played her college career at Cal State Fullerton and was a 3-time Big West Conference Player of the Year.

To close out the show, Dave asks Paul "Can you tell I'm on the pharmaceuticals?" He then looks at the camera and gives an endorsement: "I can ride my bicycle again. Thanks, Bextra!"

And that was our show for Thursday, April 29, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I've lost hope of ever becoming one of People's Most Beautiful People, unless of course they increase to list to 6 billion. My only hope of making such a list is if AARP Magazine decides to make one.

A high school chum of mine may have the future Jennie Finch on his hands. His daughter, Deanna Minuto, is a sophomore pitcher for the Clarkstown North High School softball team and she has already thrown 4 no-hitters this year. I'm going to have to watch a game as soon as I can.

I was watching the Kimmel show the other night and they showed the promo for the Barbara Walters Win A Baby reality show. I was amused by the piece by the Kimmel people but thought it was slightly in bad taste, making an innocent, sweet little baby the object of a game show. Then I learned it was an actual promo put out by ABC, an ACTUAL, REAL LIFE PROMO for the Walters' special. YIKES! It wasn't a Kimmel joke at all! 5 couples are hoping to adopt this one child and ABC decides to put a game show/reality show spin to it. ABC, Walters, and the show received a lot of heat for the promo and now they're all admitting the show probably shouldn't have been promoted that way.

Something like this always brings me back to the same thing: This wasn't an individual on LIVE TV committing a slip of the tongue in a weak moment. No. In order for this promo to get on the air, it had to be well thought out and have gone through numerous channels and receive numerous "OKs" for the go ahead. How could this happen?

My guess is someone did say something, but he or she was too far down the ladder for anyone to take him seriously.

Wednesday's Late Show cigarette eater Tyler Fyre ate a Lucky Strike. I Googled "Lucky Strike" to find if they had an old slogan Dave could possible use. I found some pretty funny slogans.
From http://www.tvacres.com/tobacco_slogans.htm

Camel Cigarettes: "More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette."
Chesterfields: "Blow some my way"; and "a silly millimeter longer."
Eve Cigarettes: "The first truly feminine cigarette - almost as pretty as you."
L&M: "Just what the doctor ordered."
Lucky Strikes: LSMFT - "Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco." -"Lucky Strike Means Filter Tips" -"Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet."
Mecca Cigarettes: "Where was Moses when the lights went out? Groping for a pack of Meccas."
Muriel Cigars: (Edie Adams) "Hey, big spender, spend a little dime on me." "Why don't you pick me up and smoke me sometime?"
Old Gold: "Not a cough in a carload."
Pall Mall: "Wherever particular people congregate."
Philip Morris Cigarettes: "Less irritating to the throat."
Tareyton Cigarettes: "I'd rather fight than switch."

I remember most of these cigarette promos. Almost makes me want to pick up the habit and slowly kill myself.

At the top of the show, Dave again made the "Turn on the landing lights. I think it's Amelia Earhart" reference. Wednesday night, Dave said "remember that old joke?" I didn't, so I asked for help.

From Fairfax Station, Virginia:

"Leaving the landing lights on for Amelia Earhart", "turning on the runway lights for Amelia Earhart", and variations on those phrases are metaphors for futility.

"leaving the landing lights on for Amelia Earhart" is more of a sarcastic saying than an actual joke. It's similar to "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." In other words, you're wasting your time.