It’s Dave’s birthday today, turning 57 years old. He received a lovely video message earlier in the day. It was from Mr. bin Laden, the evil murdering terrorist.

“Dave, congratulations on your birthday! 57, huh? That’s almost as many years as I have wives! Ha ha! Seriously, I love you. Have a wonderful day, big guy! Oh, and death to America.”

We see a scampering Regis Philbin fleeing from Alan’s camera. The angry but frightened Regis screams out, “Get the hell away from me. I have nothing to say to that load. Get away from me! Leave me alone.”

Back LIVE to Alan, who can only mutter, “That’s all I can find.”

“More with Les” – our 2nd installment. Every now and then Dave likes to ring up the CEO of CBS Entertainment, Mr. Les Moonves, just to see how things are going at the network. Dave admits he gets a bit nervous whenever he has Mr. Moonves on the phone, keenly aware of his vicious temper. Dave picks up the phone and welcome Les Moonves. Les happily greets Dave and wishes him a happy birthday. Dave thanks Les then asks how old he is. Mr. Moonves proudly says, “I’m 54, so I’m a little bit younger than you.” A somewhat disgusted Dave can only sigh, “Everybody is younger than me.”

TOPIC ONE: “How about the Masters?” Les says it was the best golf tournament in history. Perhaps a bit of a stretch but it’s Les’ job to tout CBS product whenever possible. He was right in that it was a fantastic tournament. Les congratulates Phil Mickelson on a great game. Dave adds that Ernie Els performed magnificently as well. Then Dave includes “And what about Bernard Langer?!” “And how about that Sergio Garcia?!” Les proudly agrees, crowning this year’s Masters as “a potpourri of international superstars.”

How’s Les’s game? Les says he’s a 17 handicap. Dave suggests the two get together for a round of golf some afternoon. Les is all for it.

For those of you who don’t watch the golf on CBS, the Masters is commercial-free. It’s been that way for a year or two now. Dave wonders why CBS gives the Masters all that airtime without getting any sponsor dollars? Les hopes the situation is only temporary, but CBS is proud to carry the greatest golf event of the year. Dave wonders what would happen if he came out and said he wanted to do the Late Show without commercials. Les says, “I would probably yank you off the air.” Dave laughs a good laugh.

TOPIC TWO: How come we didn’t get that Donald Trump show, The Apprentice? Les says Donald Trump is a better fit over at NBC than he would be here at CBS. Dave asks, “Why is that?” Les answers, “Would you want to be seen with him?” Another good zinger from the CEO.

TOPIC THREE: Howard Stern – part of the Infinity Radio Network, owned by Viacom. Dave says he thinks some of the treatment Howard Stern has been receiving lately is unfair. Les nervously pleads,

“Don’t involve me in this. He’s radio. I’m television. I only have to defend you.” Dave presses, “But don’t you feel there is a kind of witch hunt going on?” Les says that much of what Howard does on the radio is terrific and admits that what has happened to him lately has been unfair.

TOPIC FOUR: Tonight on CBS was a “Two and a Half Men-A-Thon.” What’s that all about? Les explains Two and a Half Men is the new big CBS comedy hit and so the network decided to showcase the series in a special night of 4 back-to-back episodes. All brand new shows? “No” says Les, “repeats.”

Dave doubts Les has ever seen even one episode of Two and a Half Men. Les corrects Dave, explaining he’s a big fan of the show.

Dave thanks Les for taking time to take part in “More With Les.” And as a sign of our appreciation, for coming on “More With Les,” Les will receive a $100 gift certificate to Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steak House right here in Manhattan.

Before going to commercial, Paul says he’s got something for Dave for his birthday, too. It’s outside. With urging from Paul, Dave agrees to take a step outside to see what Paul has for him. Out on 53rd Street, Paul directs Dave’s attention to the roof where the Late Show models have a huge birthday cake for Dave. Why on the roof? Obviously to throw it off. The cake comes sailing down and splatters on 53rd Street. The Hula Hoop Girl and the Grinder Girl quickly enter to add to the festivities. We go to commercial.

Oh, about “More With Les.” Please don’t take what I write to be exactly what happened. I scribble stuff down as the show unfolds and I sometimes discombobulate things, but I believe I got the gist of the conversation.

TOP TEN – Ways I, Dave, Celebrated My 57th Birthday.

Before doing the Top Ten, Dave laments, “57 years old. . . How did that happen? Last time I looked I was 16!”
#4. Treated myself to a little more face work.
#2. A festive game of ‘Bobbing for Lipitor.’

Halfway through the Top Ten, Dave thinks of Les Moonves. “How about that guy? I try to make him look like a moron but he’s always too funny.”

BILLY CRYSTAL: He’s a year younger than Dave and the two sit back and talk about getting old. We learn a few things about Mr. Crystal we never thought of asking. Like, he now pees in Morse code. Dave laughs as if he knows exactly what he’s talking about. It’s a lot of dot dot dot dash dash dot dash dash dot dot dot. I was amused by the story but I wouldn’t be surprised if in a few years I’m howling with laughter. And there is so many health products being sold on the television these days, aimed directly at the baby booming AARPers.

Hey, did you hear about the new magazine for crazy seniors? It’s called “AARPers Bizarre.”

Billy is a big baseball fan and he laughs at home run slugger Rafael Palmiero hawking the Viagra. In the commercial, Rafael sounds very refined and proper in his speech. Billy says we all know baseball players don’t talk that way. He then goes on how a modern baseball player would talk about erectile disfunction, you know, like “three strikes against me with no balls. Can’t get any good wood. Etc.” Funny double entendres throughout.

Back from commercial, Billy tells a story of palling around with Yankee manager Joe Torre, pitching coach Mel Stottlemeyer, and taking part in one of many silly baseball superstitious behaviors. Somehow, Billy and Mel came to believe that if Billy ate one pumpkin seed per batter, the Yankees would win. This worked great for awhile until Billy shared his pumpkin seeds with Robin Williams. This must have angered the baseball spirits because the Yankees lost the game and then the Series. During the story, Billy performs some great Robin Williams impersonations.

ALEX RODRIGUEZ: How does Alex like being a Yankee? “I absolutely love it!” says A-Rod. Dave mentions that a guy in the audience was asking before the show why Alex isn’t hitting too well right now. Alex laughs and says, “Only one?” I “Played the Dave” and expected Dave to add, “It was George Steinbrenner.” Alex is hitting .172 after 8 games.

The big question at the start of the season was who would play shortstop this year for the Yankees, A-Rod or Derek Jeter. Although many believe Rodriguez to be the better shortstop, Derek got the nod based on his longevity with the team. Either way, both are near the top fielders in the league. Who does Alex think is the better shortstop? Alex laughs and says “our goal it to win the World Series and to each win the Gold Glove at 3rdbase and shortstop.” Now that’s what I call a great fielding play.

So what happened in Boston? It looked like Alex was a Boston Red Sox for a few days earlier this year. Alex was going to take a pay cut to move from the Texas Rangers to the BoSox but money issues clouded the trade. Then the Players Union got involved and nixed the deal. Soon later, Mr. Steinbrenner stepped in and did what Steinbrenner does lately: Make Yankees fans happy and make the rest of the league angry. So why isn’t Alex Rodriguez hitting yet? Says A-Rod: “I’m just so happy to be in New York.”

Billy Crystal offers, “Yeah, well get over it already.”

To close up the show, we head outside to 53rdStreet so Alex Rodriguez, the 2003 American League Most Valuable Player, could hit some baseballs. Pitching is the lean right-hander out of Indiana, Dave Letterman. Behind the plate, 4-time All-Star for the New York Yankees, Jorge Posada. The Letterman kid had his stuff working as he befuddled the 7-time All-Star. But not for long. Mr. Rodriguez quickly sized him up and belted the ball a good 3 sewer caps.

Helping out behind the plate, 4-time All-Star catcher for the New York Yankees and 3rd place finisher in last year’s American League Most Valuable Player voting, Jorge Posada. After the first pitch I screamed at the monitor: “Get a mask on, Posada!” Whatever happened to “Safety first”

And that was our show for Monday April 12, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Alex Rodriguez baseball highlights:
- 1998: Led the American League in hitting: .358
- 2002: Set the major league record for home runs in a season by a shortstop: 54
- 2003: Named the American League Most Valuable Player

Billy Crystal baseball highlights:
- 1965: Attended Marshall University on a baseball scholarship.
- 1966: Marshall University drops its baseball program.

Easter has come and gone and I have one complaint. I hate it when people force religion into these holidays when it should be all about bunnies and chocolate.

I’ve seen it printed in a number of places that this was Alex Rodriguez’s first visit to the LATE SHOW. Not true. His first “hello” was on August 19, 1996, Show#645, as a member of the Seattle Mariners. I remember both men and women on the staff were swooning when he was talking with Dave; the women for his looks and riches; the guys for his future in baseball, his looks, and riches.

This Date in History:
April 12, 1947 – Carlos “Tarzan” Lopez regains the NWA Mexican Light-Heavyweight Wrestling Title from Black Guzman.

From the Wednesday, April 7, 2004 Wahoo Gazette:

There is an article in Wednesday’s Omaha World-Herald about a sign in Wahoo, Nebraska touting Wahoo as being “The Home Office of The Late Show with David Letterman.” Sadly, the sign is coming down. The article, written by John Ferak, can be found at:
http://www.omaha.com/index.php?u_pg=1636&u_sid=1058977

“The Late Show web site still touts the fictitious Wahoo Gazette for news about the show.”

You can imagine my ire when I saw my work labeled “fictitious” by reporter John Ferak. After much consternation, I rationalized the remark this way: He meant to write “facetious.”

The sentence should read, “The Late Show web site still touts the facetious Wahoo Gazette for news about the show.”

Dictionary definition of fictitious:
Fictitious: adj. 1.of, pertaining to, or characterized by fiction; nonexistent; imaginary; unreal.

Dictionary definition of facetious:
Facetious: adj. 1. playfully jocular; humorous and flippant

Plus, a mere one paragraph earlier in the article, Mr. Ferak writes: “Wahoo's exposure as Letterman's fictitious home office has waned.” Would Ferak use the word “fictitious” twice in the article so close together? Of course not. My guess is he meant to write “facetious” when describing the Wahoo Gazette, not fictitious.

And if you disagree with me, I’m willing to fist-fight you.

So John Ferak had a typo in his newspaper article. I can understand that. If you look closely, you may even find a typo in the Wahoo Gazette now and then, though rare it may be.