Dave is proud to have the Scripps Spelling Bee Champion on the show tonight. Dave points out that of over the 500,000 words in the English language, one is used more often than all the others. Does Paul know what that word would be? He hasn't a clue. Dave says the most commonly used word in the English language is . . . . . (were you playing at home?) . . . 'biscuit.' I lost. I played it straight and said, "I". Paul doesn't believe it, but upon reflection, realizes he said the word "biscuit" quite a few times earlier today. Paul seems surprised, but not shocked, that 'biscuit' is the most commonly used word in the English language.

CICADA/SECADA: It's new, it's fun, it's Cicada/Secada. Much like "Trump or Monkey," in this game we have two obscured photos on a board; one of a cicada, one of Latin singing/songwriting heart throb, Jon Secada. Rupert will find a contestant and that contestant will have 30 seconds to decide which photo if the cicada. Dave sends Rupert outside to find our contestant.

You know, Dave and Paul have been friends for a long time and over the years, like any relationship, they haven't agreed on everything. But one thing they do agree on is Popeye's New Full Flavor Green Beans. Freeze frame on Dave and Paul, a Popeye Green Bean graphic appears, and Alan announces, "Popeye's New Full Flavor Green Beans. Delightfully tasty."

Dave takes a moment to offer this bit of advice.
"You know, if you're married and you really want to impress your wife with a fantastic birthday or anniversary gift, you can't do better than free tickets to the Late Show." Cut to a couple in the audience. During the pre-show Q&A, I saw the guy ask Dave if he thought free tickets to the Late Show was a good birthday gift for his wife's birthday. The audience always loves this inside, behind the scenes, joking by Dave during the show. It makes them feel the price of admission to be worth the expense.

Last week, CIA director George Tenet stepped down from his position in order to spend more time with his family. Many of our men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan would like to do the same. Have you seen who has been named to replace Tenet? You won't believe it. We see a clip of the announcement.

"These are dangerous times. The CIA needs a new director capable of infiltrating Al Qaeda's shadowy network of killers. But rest easy America, because the CIA found a tough guy capable of battling bloody-thirsty terrorists. Who is this rugged man we've picked to head the CIA? Why, it's 'The Boy From Oz' himself, Hugh Jackman. The CIA - Be There."

Dave asks Paul if he's heard about the new disclaimer that is now required to be aired during the Dr. Phil Show. During the simple back and forth with Paul, Dave belches a very audible and not the least bit hidden belch. It was purely accidental, and very comical. Dave tries to continue after a simple apology, but realizes it was too obvious to brush aside. Dave laughs at his social faux pas, not sure how that happened.
Seconds later on the Howard Stern newsgroup, Stern fans were already claiming that Dave stole that from Howard.
Anyway, Dr. Phil is now required to air this disclaimer before every show.

"Opinions expressed by Dr. Phil are educational and informational in nature and are directed only at the individual guests based on their specific and unique circumstances. The program's content is intended as entertainment, not counseling and the majority of Dr. Phil's advice is total bull-'djoy.'"

And now it's time for "George W. Bush Lie." We see a clip of our President in front of a podium and a cheering crowd. The President exclaims with delight, "It's great to be back in Dubuque!"

CICADA/SECADA
Tonight's contestant is named Andrea who works at an art gallery here in New York City. Any sales lately? Andrea says she sold a $4,000 piece just the other day. Mmmm, commission. Dave says to keep him in mind when something "sofa-size" comes in. The game is explained and we're all set to play. Rupert lifts the board with the photos and unfortunately, the photo of Jon Secada is revealed. If you missed this, it'll be included in the Late Show Bloopers and Practical Jokes special scheduled for some time in November, 2029. Sure, it's a long time from now but for you college kids, it'll be here before you know it.
Rupert is sent out to find another contestant and returns with Angelique, from Perth, Australia. She is visiting New York for a week of fun. Dave mentions that Perth is on the west coast of Australia and asks what body of water it borders. Angelique says she has no idea, admitting not to being much of a geography student. Dave follows up. He asks Angelique that when she goes swimming off Perth, to what is the body of water referred by the locals? Is it the Indian Ocean? She again says she has no idea. Dave asks Andrea, who remained on the scene, if she knows the street address of the art gallery in which she works. Andrea with confidence says she does. Dave laughs with relief.
OK, it's time to play the game. Angelique has 30 seconds to choose which photo is the cicada, only able to see the upper most of each photo. With little confidence and seemingly little desire to play, Angelique chooses the first photo. And she is right. For her trouble, she wins a Hello Deli deli platter. Andrea wins a Cuisanart automatic ice cream maker.

Back from commercial, Dave holds up a rough copy from an encyclopedia of Australia. There on the left coast we see the city of Perth circled in blue ink. Out to sea and to the north and south of Perth, we see circled the words "Indian Ocean." Dave was right, and now Angelique knows the ocean she's been swimming in her whole life.

And now the story behind the story. When the question came up over what body of water is off the coast of Perth, someone in the shack did a quick check on the computer for a map of Australia that would show Perth and the Indian Ocean. The commercial break came too quickly and so he had to run out on stage as if he was needed or wanted. I took it upon myself to finish his search. Being a boy from the 50's, I resisted the urge to use the new fangled computer and decided to refer to my trusty big blue encyclopedia I always have sitting beside me. I hurriedly turned to the word "Australia", aided by the guide words atop each page, and made a copy of the page. The map pictured Australia, Perth, and the Indian Ocean. I circled the relevant areas. I ran out on stage with the copy and gave it to someone who gave it to someone who gave it to someone who gave it to someone who gave it to Dave. (Yes, I am that low on the totem.) Much to my surprise, Dave held up the copy to prove the Indian Ocean is indeed off the coast of Perth. If I had known Dave was going to hold it up, I would have made a much better copy of the map; such as making it bigger, lighter and clearer. As I returned to the shack where I watch the show, an intern asked, "What is that thing?" I told him, "A book." "Awesome," he said.

TOP TEN: Things New Yorkers Can Do to Reduce Noise - the Mayor plans to overhaul the city's noise code after receiving many complaints from the locals.
#8. If you see someone with the hiccups, kill 'em!
#4. Tell construction workers, 'Turn off that damn jackhammer!"
#3. Quietly remove jackhammer from your ass.

BETTE MIDLER: She's in the Friday release of "The Stepford Wives." The last time Bette was here she was in the middle of her "50 cities in 4 months Kiss My Brass" tour. Not only was it exhausting and a lot of fun, she also learned how to bowl. What's not to like about bowling, she asks? There's beer, cigarettes, and throwing heavy objects. Outside of the cigarettes and heavy objects, I'm with her on that. Is she enjoying the time off now? "No no no no," she says. Bette is busy working to get a new President, one that will be elected rather than assigned to us. "Benefit Bette" is busy doing whatever benefit she can to raise money. She sings a song I title, "Queen of the Benefits." I nearly reached for my wallet.
How's the home life? Bette proudly says she's been married for 20 years and her daughter is graduating from high school in two days. Her friends hate Bette whenever she says her daughter is graduating from high school. I can understand that. When a friend's child reaches a milestone in life, it reminds you that not only is the child getting older, but so are you. It happens to me when I bring my girls to work. It's, "They're how old!!! Get out of here! I remember when they were born!"
Bette and a slew of stars can be seen in "The Stepford Wives" - opening this Friday. Christopher Walken, who is also in the film, is on our show Wednesday.

ACT 5:
ALAN VO: "It's time for 'Advice from Late Show Security Officer Stephanie Montague.'
STEPHANIE: "Don't smoke in bed. You'll burn the house down."
ALAN VO: "Good advice, Stephanie. This has been 'Advice from Late Show Security Officer Stephanie Montague.' Tell your friends."

DAVID TIDMARSH: He's the 2004 Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion. During the intro, we see a clip of David's winning effort, spelling the word 'autochthonous.' (pronounced "awTOCKthenus"). It means indigenous, or native.
A brief description:
-14-year-old 8th-grader from South Bend, Indiana
-Thursday, June 3rd in Washington, D.C. - David won the 77th Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee
-Defeated 264 contestants in last Thursday's spelling bee; and throughout the contest defeated 10 million nationwide.
- For winning, David received $17,000; a $1,000 Savings Bond; a set of encyclopedias, and a really big trophy.

The kid seemed a bit nervous on his way out, going for the 2nd guest chair instead of the once near Dave. Sounds like me always wanting to sit in the back. Dave was firing questions at David who responded with short, simple answers. I liked the kid because he seemed like a regular kid; an "aw shucks", no big deal, get me out of here, I'd rather be playing baseball type of kid. When Dave learned the kid won $17,000 for being the Scripps Champion, Dave wanted to know what he was going to do with all that money. Tidmarsh (I'll call him Tidmarsh so not to confuse you with Letterman) answered, "Buy lots of candy." Funny line, perhaps rehearsed, but still a funny line. Besides, all the big stars come with prepared material and it's rarely as funny as that.

What's the deal with that fainting kid? During the competition, the 2nd place finisher fainted while responding to a word. He fainted right there in the middle of the competition! We see a clip of that moment. We see the kid receive the word, think about it, roll his eyes, and tumble backwards to the ground. He was out like a light. He then picked himself up and spelled the word as if nothing happened. What impressed me most about the incident is when the kid fell backwards and was out like a light, no one, NO ONE, not one adult in the room from the spelling bee tournament got up off their fannies to assist the child. What did Tidmarsh think about the whole thing? "A lot of people thought he was stalling for time." Ha ha ha. By this time I was really warming up to the kid.

We have some words for Tidmarsh to spell, just to make sure he didn't have some inside Scripps information before the Bee.
1. Sumpsimus - Dave read the definition, which didn't help me out at all. Tidmarsh spelled the never used word to perfection. (ed.note - the monitor on stage was turned so Tidmarsh could not see the word on the screen)
2. Chimichanga - Dave offers a bit of help, "Something you can get at Taco Bell. Think outside the bun." Tidmarsh breezes through the word.
3. Beyonce - Tidmarsh asks for a definition. Dave says nothing doing; "you're on your own." Tidmarsh begins to spell "Beyonce" but gets stuck half way through.
And then to buy time, he feints a faint. Hey, the kid is funny, too!
Dave reaches behind the desk and pulls out the Scripps National Spelling Bee Championship trophy. It's look nice on the kitchen table. We also have something for Tidmarsh. A huge dictionary holstered to a belt. Dave straps the dictionary around the waist of Tidmarsh. Now the kid won't have to always ask, "May I have the definition, please?"

And that was our show for Tuesday, June 8, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Following the Hugh Jackman/CIA Director joke early in the show, I wondered if the Tony Awards is a big deal across the country, since the Tonys are all about Broadway shows. The results are front page news here in New York City. Is it usually front page news in your city?

And now, the origin of "Spelling Bee." From the Scripps National Spelling Bee website.
What is the origin of the term spelling bee?
The word bee, as used in spelling bee, is a language puzzle that has never been satisfactorily accounted for. A fairly old and widely-used word, it refers to a community social gathering at which friends and neighbors join together in a single activity (sewing, quilting, barn raising, etc.), usually to help one person or family. The earliest known example in print is a spinning bee, in 1769. Other early occurrences are husking bee (1816), apple bee (1827), and logging bee (1836). Spelling bee is apparently an American term. It first appeared in print in 1875, but it seems certain that the word was used orally for several years before that.
Those who used the word, including most early students of language, assumed that it was the same word as referred to the insect. They thought that this particular meaning had probably been inspired by the obvious similarity between these human gatherings and the industrious, social nature of a beehive. But in recent years scholars have rejected this explanation, suggesting instead that this bee is a completely different word. One possibility is that it comes from the Middle English word bene, which means "a prayer" or "a favor" (and is related to the more familiar word boon). In England, a dialectal form of this word, been or bean, referred to "voluntary help given by neighbors toward the accomplishment of a particular task." (Webster's Third New International Dictionary). Bee may simply be a shortened form of been, but no one is entirely certain

Did you watch the NBA Finals, Game 2 last night? Lakers Kobe Bryant hit a 3-pointer with 2 seconds left in the game to push the game into overtime. It occurred here in New York around 11:45 PM. Imagine how many kids would have been locked in as an NBA fan for life if they had been awake to see that. Heck, my interest in the NBA still stems from the 1969-1970 New York Knicks, specifically Game 7 of the Finals as Willis Reed hobbled out the locker room and into history. A golden opportunity to replenish the fan base lost forever.

And how about the Stanley Cup! Congratulations to the Tampa Bay:
A) Tarpons
B) Lightning
C) Thrashers
D) Lancers

You probably guessed by now that the guy from the Ivory Coast who wanted to transfer $8.5 million into my account turned out to be a hoax. My finances are now in total disarray. Therefore, I will be continuing the Wahoo Gazette until further notice.