While billboarding tonight’s program, Dave wonders who would win in a fight: Buddy Rice or Kid Rock? Hmmm. That would make for an interesting topic in June’s Wahoo Digest.

You know, Dave and Paul have known each other for many years and arguments are sometimes unavoidable. But there is one thing they never argue about and that’s the great taste of Popeye’s New Full Flavor Green Beans. They’re delightfully tasty!

And the next time you’re in the supermarket, remember to pick up some Buddy Rice. Paul concurs, saying it goes great with Popeye’s new full flavor Green Beans.

It’s time for “George W. Bush Lie” – in front of a cheering audience, the President announces, “It’s great to be back in Kalamazoo!”

I noticed something the President did again tonight and I can’t really blame him. Last night the President said, “It’s great to be back in Dubuque” and tonight he said “Kalamazoo.” In each clip, the President gives a quick peek down at the podium just before announcing the city. Being in so many places during any giving week, it would be simple to forget which city you were in. I wouldn’t be surprised if written on a card sitting on top of the podium is something like, “YOU ARE IN KALAMAZOO.” I’ve heard about musicians on the road doing this all the time; i.e. thinking they’re in Pittsburgh when they are in Detroit. It’s bound to happen. I have a feeling we’ll be doing these “George W. Bush Lies” every time we find him mentioning, “It’s great to be back in (blank city).” It’ll be interesting to see if he peeks down each time.

CBS MAILBAG – assisting tonight is Dave’s assistant Smitty. Tonight, Smitty is dressed as Claude Rains.

LETTER #1. From Matt Patton of Little Rock, Arkansas:
“Dear Dave, Will you be coming out with your own version of a Low-Carb diet?”

- Everybody seems to be on some kind of diet these days. You have the South Beach Diet, the Atkins Diet, the New Haven Diet, the Hartford Diet . . . . have you heard about the brand new diet that just came out? Rather odd, I would say. We take a look at the exciting announcement.

“Hallelujah Acres is pleased to introduce the Hallelujah Diet . . . a new eating regimen based on dietary guidelines set forth by God in the Bible. You’ll be amazed at how much weight you can lose while eating as much as you want of your favorite foods – like myrhh, hyssop leaves, and manna from heaven. And unlike other gimmicky diets, you won’t be tempted to cheat because if you do, you’ll burn in hell for all eternity! The Hallelujah Diet – try it today.”

Dave says the L.S.A.T. is the test one takes before going to law school. When Biff heard about Nick’s problem, he volunteered to help. Biff concurs. Biff says he immediately went to Wisconsin and tutored young Nick for the big test. Biff is confident that it went well. Biff rubs his chin as he recalls those trying yet happy times.

We see Biff in a montage of him and Nick hard at the studies. The music underneath is “Lawyers in Love” by Jackson Browne. We see Nick trying his darndest to learn the law while Biff cheerleads him on. At one point, young Nick wants to quit but Biff continues to encourage the whining punk. In the final scene we find Nick returning to his dorm room and proudly showing Biff his passing grade on the big test. We cut to a scene of Biff and Nick celebrating the success over a nice dinner with drinks.

NICK: “I can’t believe I passed the test. I owe it all to you, Biff.”
BIFF: “My pleasure, Nick. Now there’s just one more thing I need to do.”

Looks like Nick has his first case.

What did Paul think of that letter? Paul thinks the song “Lawyers in Love” was a “little too on the nail.” “Too on the nail” Dave questions? Paul says it was too obvious, too right on about lawyers. I think Paul would rather one of his songs. Ka-ching.

LETTER #3: From Eva Supersad of Charleston, South Carolina. (Wow, talk about a depressing name.)
“Dear Dave, What are your plans for Father’s Day?”

Dave is very proud to be soon celebrating his very first Father’s Day. Our building engineer George Clarke is a father and just loves the day. “Isn’t that right, George?”

George jumps at the chance to respond and throw to a clip. GEORGE: “Oh, Dave, it’s great. You’re gonna love it. I remember . . .”

George rubs his chin as we gliss to a George memory.

We see George with two kids. George is eagerly opening his presents. First he unwraps a watch. Then, “Hot Damn!” a bowling ball. Soon, a man and woman enter the scene. They are in their jammies. They quiz George. “Uh, who the hell are you?”

GEORGE: “I’m George. I live down the block. Hope you don’t mind, my family gives me crappy gifts.”
MAN: “Give me the bowling ball or I’ll rip your nuts off.”

We fade back to George who is mentally eagerly counting the money he just earned.

LETTER #4: From Cheri Rice of Brooklyn, New York.
“Dear Dave, Do you suntan or sunburn?”

On a hot day like this, Dave thinks he would sunburn. Temps reached well into the 90s today and our local WCBS weatherman Lawrence Roberts, or Robert Lawrence, I’m not sure, was on the street interviewing fellow New Yorkers on how they are beating the heat.

LAWRENCE: “I’m standing here with Marc Noonan who is on his way home from work. Let’s see how he’s handling the heat. How are you holding up?”
JOE: “Well, I’ve been drinking lots of water. I’m wearing loose-fitting clothing, and I never leave the house without applying . . .”

I wasn’t expecting the second BOOM and for that reason, the joke worked for me.

And that was Mailbag for today.

Unfortunate news: During the break Dave learned that Buddy Rice and Kid Rock actually DID get into a fight. Luckily, Christopher Walken was there to break it up.

IS THIS ANYTHING? – it’s a clown playing an accordion with a tambourine on each foot, while balancing a spinning plate on a stick on his nose. Is this anything? Paul thinks not.

BUDDY RICE: From Rahal/Letterman Racing, your 2004 Indianapolis 500 Champion. So what’s it like to go 230 mph? Buddy says it’s not scary at all. When everything is going right, things actually seem to move in slow motion. You notice things in the stands, in the pits, birds in the sky. You don’t realize how fast you’re going until the cars begins to step out, slide, or spin. Then all of a sudden you say to yourself, “Hey, I’m driving pretty darn fast.”

Buddy has a present for Dave: an exact helmet worn by Buddy in the May 30th race. Dave tries the blue racing helmet. When he takes it off, Dave mentions, “You’ve worn this, Buddy, haven’t you” as he sniffs the scent of a man who’s driven a hard race in the helmet. Looking proudly at the helmet now on the desk, Dave asks, “And where would I wear that?” I expected Dave to say about the helmet, since Buddy drives for Rahal/Letterman, “Didn’t I pay for this?”

What made Buddy and his car stronger than the rest of the field? Buddy credits Honda and the G Force chassis along with the Rahal/Letterman engineering team.

Dave asks Buddy in all honesty, “At Indianapolis, when I showed p was that embarrassing?” The wise Buddy Rice says it wasn’t embarrassing at all. And now that he’s won the 500, what about the babes? Buddy laughs and says, “We were checking them out, remember?” Dave laughs a nervous laugh and mumbles, “Easy, easy.” I laughed, realizing someone at home would be watching.

Back from commercial, we see a sample of the new box of Long Grain Buddy Rice. Available now at your supermarket.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Starring in The Stepford Wives. Does Christopher like to drive? No, he doesn’t. Says Christopher, “I don’t drive. I like to be driven.” He doesn’t drive at all? Christopher says, “I use the car on Sunday to get the paper.” Sounds like a sales pitch. Could he, say, drive from here to Albany? “Noooooo!” He then admits, “I get yelled at when I drive. I get a little of the bird.” Ooops. Sorry, Christopher. I didn’t realize that was you.

He’s recently taken up to cooking. He likes to start the fire for the barbecue but doesn’t do much cooking outside. He’s an inside the house cooker. What kind of stuff? Mediterranean type stuff; fish, for example. The conversation between Dave and Christopher is full of lulls and awkward pauses like a bad first date. At one uncomfortable moment, Christopher perks up suddenly and states, “Always good to be here!” It never was that bad, though. Even though the conversation stumbled along, both Dave and Christopher seemed to be in total control, both enjoying the awkwardness of the moment. There was no uncomfortable squirming going on.

Would Christopher ever consider doing a cooking show, since he enjoys the cooking? Christopher says he thought about it some years ago, but now everyone has a cooking show and now it’s too late. “And if I were successful, that would be terrible.” Dave doesn’t understand, “Why would it be terrible?” Christopher explains people would point at him and say, “There’s the guy with the cooking show.” Dave still doesn’t fully understand why that would be bad. “I would lose credibility as an actor.” Ah, yes. It’s clear now.

Dave recalls one of Christopher’s first appearances in film. It was in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall movie. Christopher played the brother of Annie and was out for a drive with Woody. Christopher, driving, wonders aloud how he sometimes fantasizes of crossing the double yellow straight into oncoming traffic. It’s something he’s always wanted to do. Woody sits in the front seat in terror as this very weird man drives along heavily traveled dark road, hoping he suddenly doesn’t decide to act on the fantasy.

I remember the scene well, but never realized it was Christopher Walken. It’s one of my favorite films and worth a revisit.

The Stepford Wives – it opens Friday. Christopher Walken plays the town’s mayor.

ACT 5: “The Late Show would like to announce the ‘Employee of the Week.’ This week the honors go to cue card operator Tony Mendez . . . ”
(shot of Tony with his head wrapped in a bloody bandage.)
" . . . who moments ago deflected a bottle thrown by an audience member at host David Letterman. Nice goin’ Tony. You’re the ‘Employee of the Week.’”

KID ROCK: From his new CD, Kid Rock, Kid Rock performed “I Am.” It has a slow Southern Rock feel to it

And that was our show for Wednesday June 9, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

And now the Claude Rains fun facts prepared for Smitty.

1. The 1933 film, The Invisible Man was loosely based on the H.G. Wells Science Fiction novel of the same title. In the film, Claude Rains played the part of the Invisible Man.

2. Boris Karloff had been the studio’s original choice for the voice of the Invisible Man, but Director James Whale desired a more “intellectual” voice.

3. The only time the face of the Invisible Man was seen, they used a different actor.

4. Later in his career, Claude Rains played Captain Louis Renault in the classic film, Casablanca.

And now my Indianapolis 500 story. On race day, I was camping with the family and friends up in the Catskills. It was my first time for Denise and the kids and it was obvious we were beginners. We slept in a four-man tent while my brothers and sisters and friends enjoyed the pop-up trailers. While enjoying afternoon beers and nachos, I asked if anyone heard how the Indianapolis 500 turned out. No one did, but a few of the guys in the group were enjoying listening to the NASCAR Coca Cola 600 on the radio. I’m still working on what to look for in a race while watching at home. Listening to a race on the radio was very foreign to me. I asked them to let me know if the announcers of the 600 mention the Indy. An hour later I asked if there was any news. “None” they told me. I asked an hour after that. Still nothing. A few of us went for a hike to the falls. Upon returning I asked who won the Indianapolis 500. They still didn’t know. I took a bunch of the kids to a nearby ball field and played some whiffleball, at which I’m great. Returning an hour later, I again asked about the race. Still no news. I asked, “Don’t the announcers give the results of other games going on? Like in baseball or football?” They snort, “This is NASCAR. It’s not the IRL. It’s a different sport.” I smirk, knowing “not to go there” like the kids say. Anyway, the Coca Cola 600 seemed to go on for 10 hours. I could have finished the race in the time it took them. The race was on the radio the whole day. Not till the next morning when I hopped in the car to get the morning papers did I find out Buddy Rice had won. And who won the Coca Cola 600? I don’t know. That’s NASCAR. Totally different sport.

Have you checked out the Bob Borden website this week? Poor Bob has been out sick with some sort of intestinal bug thing. He’s been resting at home the past week in Ohio and plans to make it back on Monday. See Bob recuperating in his hospital bed at www.bobborden.com, where it’s all Bob all the time. . . . but don’t let that stop you.

I’m watching a Yankee game the other day and a situation arose that I’ve never seen before but always, ALWAYS watch for whenever I attend a game. It was the 2nd inning with the score tied at 2. There were two outs, the count 2 and 2. If you were at Yankee Stadium at that moment, you would have seen on the scoreboard over the 1st and 3rd base dugout the following: 2 2 2 2 2 2. I was screaming at the TV set, “Show the scoreboard! Show the scoreboard!” The moment came and went just like that as the batter eventually walked. But NO! We had another chance. And to top it off, Derek Jeter was now up, #2, and there were 2 men on. Oh how I hoped he would run the count to 2 and 2. Alas, it was not to be. He popped up the 2nd pitch (Hey! Another 2!) and the inning was over. It will be a long time before we see the likes of that again.