It’s America’s fastest growing party sensation, it’s Audience Show and Tell.

AS&T #1. James Johnson of Modesto, California
James is a substitute teacher studying towards his Masters. He is here on his 5th Anniversary. Dave meets and greets James’s wife. What does James have to show us or tell us? James can turn his bottom eyelids inside out without using his hands. Dave looks over at his wife and says, “Now I see why you married him.”

The camera zooms in on the face of Mr. Johnson. We see him close his eyes, open his eyes wide, then close his eyes, then w see his eyelids turn inside out. Ta da! Yikes. While James tries to decide where to eat, Dave says to the wife, “Where would you like to eat? After all, you married the freak.”

AS&T #2: Richard Schwartz of New York City.
Richard is a real estate agent. Real Estate will fluctuate but you can never really go wrong in the long run. Dave asks what would a studio apartment go for in midtown Manhattan. Richard says, “Between $1,000 to $3,000.” Dave says, “I guess we’re talking about renting.” What does Richard have for us? He has a clip of his performing on “Star Search” from 1983. What was his talent? “I did a tap dance.” Dave gets giddy with glee, “Hey! The Tap Dancing Real Estate Agent!” Does Richard break into a little tap dance while showing apartments? Richard says he never has, as he tries to keep the two separate.

We go to the clip of Richard on Star Search. There’s Ed McMahon’s introduction, followed by a few seconds of Richard and his dance partner Jill Negrin performing to “In The Mood.” Unfortunately, Richard and Jill lost. And what is Jill doing now? She’s out west somewhere. The two lost touch over the years. A quick Google search turned up nothing.

AS&T #3. Heidi Taylor of Lehigh, Utah.
Heidi is a performance instructor, teaching singing and dancing and vocals. What did she think of Richard’s tap dancing? Heidi seemed to be impressed. What is she doing in town? Heidi is here with her students performing. Where? For one, the South Street Seaport. In addition to that, various locations anywhere people would stop and watch. Dave suggests they could also go in the middle of a busy intersection and get them to squeegee.

What can Heidi do? She can simultaneously hum melodies and cluck rhythm to “Man on the Flying Trapeze.” Dave looks astonished, “Wow, that’s a very busy mouth.” I wasn’t expecting much but the performance was a surprising delight. Pretty cool.

And that was Audience Show & Tell.

America has had a rather sad week, with the passing of President Ronald Reagan and then yesterday’s passing of Ray Charles. Fortunately there was something in today’s New York Times that brightened things up a bit, just when we needed some good news. Dave holds up the New York Times to show that headline which reads:

“Eisenhower Wakes Up; Has Pie.”

“First President to Rise From the Dead Since Hoover.”

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight’s item – a 64 ounce jar of extra crunchy Skippy Peanut Butter. How much is 64 ounces? Alan says with confidence, “4 pounds.” And is it vacuum sealed? Yes, it is vacuum sealed. The girls drop the 64 ounce jar of extra crunchy Skippy Peanut Butter into the Will It Float tanks and it . . . . . SINKS.

Following Alan’s description of the 64 ounce jar of extra crunchy Skippy Peanut Butter being 4 pounds, I asked myself “Isn’t the 64 ounces in this case a measure of volume and not a measure of weight?” I thought Alan was in error for the next hour but now while I type this I realize 64 fluid ounces is a half gallon, and that jar of peanut butter didn’t look like it could hold a half gallon of milk, so I guess the 64 ounces of peanut butter was indeed a measure of weight. Never mind.

SEAN “P. DIDDY” COMBS: Sean ran in the 2003 New York City Marathon and the proud runner timed in at 4 hours, 14 minutes, and 54 seconds. Someday I may try a marathon but my doctor suggests I first start out by walking around the block a few times before thinking marathon.

Sean is starring in the Broadway Tony Award-wining play, A Raisin in the Sun at the Royale Theater at 242 West 45th Street. He is very proud of this work and Dave adds that his performance must bring in people to the theater who probably would never experience the theater. Sean says it’s great to see people of all ages and races coming together to enjoy the play.

Sean also won the year’s Men’s Fashion Designer of the Year – the fashion’s Oscars. He bested Ralph Lauren and Michael Coors (sp?). Sean tells how his mother worked as a seamstress and how his first job was working along side her. Dave says, “So, you know something about this, don’t you.” Sean politely points out the obvious, “Yes. I’m the Men’s Fashion Designer of the Year.

And what about the J.Lo wedding? Sean is very happy for her.

Since he’s a designer, Dave wonders if Sean is wearing anything of his right now? Sean says he designed the jeans he’s wearing. Dave stops Sean, “What do you mean you designed those jeans?” Sean proudly says, “Dave, America’s a great place. I can say I designed these jeans. Inspired by Levi, but I designed these jeans.”

JIM GAFFIGAN: 5 minutes of married life, life with a pregnant wife, and life as a new father.

His wife was in labor for 36 hours. Jim is impressed. He says he doesn’t think he’s ever been awake for 36 hours.

Home birthing. That’s what Jim and his wife did. What’s that like? Simple. You take hundreds of years of medical knowledge and throw it all away.”

The baby was 9 pounds. Oooohhhh. “When I look at that 9 pound baby that came out of my petite wife, all I can think of is ‘The Yankees really need pitching. Especially if they want to get to through the playoffs.’” I laughed a big laugh.

CAPE: On cape tonight, legendary singer and songwriter, Mr. Paul Anka!

ACT 6: It’s the 2nd Anniversary of our Cape Segment as we have been doing it for two years now. Unfortunately, tonight is the last time we will be doing the cape.

- The first 2 cape installments were performed by Dave (June 7 and June 14, 2002.)
- Nathan Lane then followed.
- In all, the cape has been performed by 65 different celebrities, including movie stars, television stars, sport heroes, musicians, politicians, and when we couldn’t get anyone, members of the LATE SHOW staff.

Paul Anka re-enters. The spot light is on. He sings a tribute to Paul and the cape, to the tune of “My Way.”

The Cape - “MY WAY”

My friend, let’s not pretend, let’s call an end
to something shoddy.
You’d should ‘Roll Tape,’ and stars would drape that crappy cape
on Shaffer’s body.
Yes, it’s a fact, that’s James Browns’ act, but to attract
big stars and shame them.
You fed them bunk and got them drunk
and I can name them

The Donald came and lent his name to this dumb game
Yes, he apprenticed
And Heidi Klum lit up the room, her smile would bloom
and thrill her dentist.
And Nathan Lane would act insane, Bill Murray smirked
and Tina Fey showed
James Lipton sneered and Whoopi cheered
who knows why they showed

Jack Black had joined the pack and George Pataki
said ‘Abuse me’
Abdul Jabbar, NBA star said ‘It’s bizarre’
but you can use me.
Ted Koppel came and ruined his name, those stars all showed
that they were givers
In every case, they showed their true face
except Joan Rivers.

This has to stop, haven’t you learned,
Dave, have that schemata cleaned and burned
Paul is a proud Canadian
Don’t make him do that schtick again
If I were Paul, I’d say, That’s all’
and do it my way.”

And that was our show for Friday, June 11, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

CAPE

2002
Dave Letterman - 6/07/02
Dave Letterman - 6/14/02
Nathan Lane - 7/12/02
Ted Koppel - 7/19/02
Donald Trump - 7/26/02
George Pataki - 8/02/02
John Goodman - 8/30/02
Dave Letterman - 9/06/02
Stephanie - 9/13/02
Justin Timberlake - 9/27/02
Jimmy Fallon - 10/04/02
Nancy Agostini - 10/11/02
Jude Brennan - 10/18/02
Tom Cavanagh - 11/01/02
Hal Gurnee - 11/08/02
Chris Elliott - 11/15/02
Jack Black - 11/22/02
Andrea and Nadine - 11/29/02
Dan Patrick - 12/13/02
Sue Hum - 12/19/02
Kiva - 12/27/02

2003
John McEnroe - 1/10/03
Bill Murray - 1/17/03
Michele O’Callaghan - 1/24/03
James Brown - 2/07/03
Stephanie/Kimono - 2/14/03
Solomon Burke - 2/21/03
Kevin Spacey - 4/04/03
Mayor Giuliani - 4/17/03
Don Rickles - 5/02/03
Johnny Knoxville - 5/16/03
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - 5/23/03
Kiva/Anna Jack - 6/05/03
Whoopi Goldberg - 6/12/03
James Earl Jones - 6/19/03
Heidi Klum - 6/26/03
Jerry Foley - 7/18/03
Marv Albert - 7/25/03
Joan Rivers - 8/01/03
Amy Sedaris - 8/08/03
Jane Pauley - 8/29/03
Tiki Barber - 9/12/03
Isabella Rossellini - 9/26/03
Rob Lowe - 10/03/03
Wolf Blitzer - 10/17/03
Rosie Perez - 10/31/03
Tim Robbins - 11/07/03
Al Franken - 11/14/03
John Malkovich - 11/21/03
George Stephanopoulos - 11/28/03
Greg Kinnear - 12/12/03
Jerry Springer - 12/19/03

2004
Cyndi Lauper - 1/09/04
Meredith Vieira - 1/16/04
Mayor Bloomberg - 1/23/04
Richard Belzer - 2/06/04
Rob Schneider - 2/13/04
Maura Tierney - 2/20/04
Lou Reed - 2/27/04
Moby - 3/05/04
Harry Smith - 4/02/04
James Lipton - 4/16/04
Tina Fey - 4/30/04
Gerry Mulligan as Julia Roberts’ mom - 5/07/04
Flashdancers doorman on 53rd and Broadway - 5/14/04
Colin Quinn - 5/21/04
Vinnie Favale - 5/28/04
Paul Anka - 6/11/04

My favorite cape person: Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Watching the Detroit Pistons beat up on the Los Angeles Lakers, I can’t help but wonder: Is New Jersey Devil hockey coming to the NBA? Nothing breeds imitation more than success and after the Devils won a few Stanley Cups with their trap defense and boring brand of play, other teams quickly adopted that style in hopes of achieving the same success. If the Pistons go on to win it all, expect to see more Piston-style defense and low scoring games.

It’s fun rooting against the Lakers when the Lakers lose. Now I know how it feels for the rest of America to root against the Yankees.

Speaking of baseball: Interleague play already!? The season just started. The novelty of interleague has long since worn off. I say shelve it and bring it back every five years. Mets fans can’t be too happy to play the Yankees 6 times while their division rivals, the Florida Marlins, get to play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

From yesterday’s Wahoo Gazette concerning behavior of fans following their team’s winning a championship.

“More often than not, as soon as a pro team or now even a college team wins a championship, the fans of that city go to the streets and cause destruction. I think the Tampa Bay Lightning fans refrained from this behavior the other night only because no one in Tampa Bay realizes they have a hockey team.”

“We here in Tampa Bay are very aware that we have a hockey team. Oh, I know YOU were joking, but there have been quite a few people saying that Tampa isn’t really a hockey town. Okay, so we may not have a long history of hockey loving, but we’re catching on. And we had quite a nice parade on Wednesday for our winners.

We’re just not the rioting type down here; we’re the partying type. Burn down a building, or have a beer? Overturn some cop cars, or have another beer? The beer wins every time down here, which is not a bad thing. Remember, we didn’t riot after the Buc’s Super Bowl win either. We did consume quite a few beers, however.”

WAHOO CORRECTION: In yesterday’s Wahoo Gazette, I credited Charles Grodin with the stoic recitation of Elvis Presley lyrics while standing at a podium. The straight of “Hound Dog” always produced great laughs from the audience. Today I was told via the e-mail that it wasn’t Charles Grodin but Steve Allen who once did this.

From Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station, Virginia:

”Mike, it wasn't Charles Grodin who first read Elvis Presley song lyrics in front of a podium, all stoic-like. It was prolific composer/lyricist of some 2000+ songs, the best known of which are ‘This Could Be the Start of Something’ (his theme song), ‘Pretend You Don't See Her’ (a top-ten hit for Jerry Vale), ‘Impossible’, and ‘Gravy Waltz’ (a top-40 instrumental hit for Allen himself in 1962, and a jazz standard) Steve Allen, born December 26, 1921, in New York, NY, and died October 30, 2000, in Encino, CA.”

Monday’s show #4000 for Dave on late night. Plus, Paris Hilton and Patti Scialfa.