It was one of those hot sweaty muggy days today in the city. How hot was it? Take a look outside.

We see an upset taxi driver standing in a pool of yellow. A tire lies at each of the 4 corners of the yellow puddle. “My cab melted!” he cries.

Donald Duck celebrated an anniversary recently, his 70th since his first film debut. He’s still very popular with the kids, but I think he’s starting to show his age.

We see a clip from a recent Donald Duck cartoon. Poor Donald becomes stuck on a hook and feebly cries out, “I can’t do this anymore. Please let me die.”

Oooh, Donald. Poor Donald has seen better days. I blame Eisner.

GEORGE W. BUSH STRAIGHT TALKER – From a June 10th speech at the G8 Summit.

Bush: “And, uhhh . . . . . I am . . . . . I am, uhhh . . . . . I am, uhh . . . . It . . . uhh.”

JOHN KERRY VS. GEORGE W. BUSH
They have more differences than I had imagined.

Kerry: Criticized for throwing away his military service medals.
Bush: No medals to throw away.

Kerry: Remembered by Yale classmates as an ambitious, intelligent young man who was going places.
Bush: Remembered by Yale classmates as a cheerleader.

Bush: Strongly opposes the legalization of gay marriage.
Kerry: Non-commital on the issue of gay marriage, but would marry a dude if it would get him elected.

Kerry: His wife describes herself as “Sexy”
Bush: His mother describes herself as a ‘”dime-piece shorty with a bangin’ booty, yo.”

Kerry: Believes the solution to a peaceful Iraq is complicated.
Bush: Thought the plot to ‘Soul Plane’ was complicated.

Kerry: Calls Saddam Hussein a red herring in the war on terror
Bush: Calls Saddam Hussein late at night and makes electric-chair sounds

Kerry: Thinks Hamid Karzai should guard against a Taliban resurgence.
Bush: “Huh?”

Dave doesn’t really want to do the last one, it’s unfair, but decides to do it anyway.

Kerry: Horse face
Bush: Jackass

Here’s one I just made up:

Bush: A flop as President
Kerry: Will flip-flop as President

Throughout the piece, Dave turned and threw his blue cards through the window. One landed in Trenton, or perhaps just short of Trenton since we heard a splash just before it landed.

Another got stuck on the West Side Highway. Dave warned of the traffic that was going to cause and advises commuters to take Riverside Drive. I laughed, since that is a wise re-route to avoid West Side Highway traffic.

During the John Kerry vs. George W. Bush piece, I laughed when Dave stopped halfway through and said, “I can’t get over that cab melting!”

Kudos to our sound effects guy Gary Kiffel. He was a busy fellow during the ACT 1. Lots of SFX.

There’s this guy on Jeopardy that is just going crazy. He’s won 11 consecutive nights and possibly may be up to 12 by the time you read this on Friday. He’s accumulated over $376,000 in the process. Yikes! That’s something. Dave watched last night and smells something fishy. Something’s not right. We see a clip from last night’s Jeopardy.

Answer: “A Wheat Salad”
Jeopardy champion: “Who is Patsy Cline?”
Alec: “Right!”

Dave asks for another clip. Answer: “Striped or mottled kitty.”
Jeopardy champion: “Who is Sinclair Lewis?”
Alec: “Right.”

Huh? Dave’s right. Something’s not jiggy.

It’s time for an old friend, Darrell, the Late Show Page with the Phony British Accent.

Darrell enters.

DAVE: “Hello, Darrell.”
DARRELL: “Allo, Dive.”
DAVE: “Having a nice summer?”
DARRELL: “Eh, sow-sow.”
DAVE: “What’s the matter?”
DARRELL: “Oi don’t loik the ‘umidity. Oi get chyfed.”
DAVE: “Sorry to hear that. Now, what have you been up to recently?”
DARRELL: “Dive, Oi’m looking for a new flat, Oi am.”
DAVE: “Excuse me for interrupting, Darrell, but your British accent is fake?”
DARRELL: “Right, Dive. It’s as fike as the Queen’s teeth.”
DAVE: “So you’re looking for an apartment. How’s that going?”
DARRELL: “Bloody oowful. Oi moight ‘ave to get an illegal sooblit.”
DAVE: “A what?”
DARRELL: “A sooblit.”
DAVE: “I’m sorry, I’m not following you.”
DARRELL: “S-U-B-L-E-T. Sooblit. Piss off, you daft old tosser!” (exits)
DAVE: “It’s Darrell, the Late Show Page With the Phony British Accent, ladies and gentlemen.

TOP TEN: Things you don’t want to hear from a guy dressed as a Cicada.
#8. “I’d flee the city if I were you. Several billion of me are gonna be here in 20 minutes.”
#6. “If you see that guy from Terminex, tell him I’m gonna make him my bitch.”
#5. “Stop staring at my Throrax.”
#2. “Hey, you’re the guy who tried to kill me with a shoe 17 years ago.”

VINCE VAUGHN: His first appearance on the LATE SHOW since his stellar guest host performance back in March of 2003.

Vince wants to clear something up. His hometown newspaper back in Illinois, the Chicago News Sun, did an interview with one of Vince’s high school teachers, a Ms. Levitsky. As background, Vince says he was the high school class President his senior year. His grades were very poor and his parents were concerned he would be a two-term President. In the article, Ms. Levitsky says Vince’s priorities were somewhere other than academia. She says Vince was also disgustingly thin in high school. When she saw Swingers, Ms. Levitsky kept thinking the guy on the screen looked like a fat Vince Vaughn. Vince missed so many written assignments in her Spanish class, Ms. Levitsky said she was going to fail him if he didn’t come up with something. Vince promised he would do the assignment the next day. She tracked him down at the school’s rehearsal of “A Chorus Line.” She needed the finished assignment the next morning. Vince promised it. Vince didn’t come through. Ms. Levistky failed Vince. (A teacher would say, “No, Vince failed himself.”) Ms. Levistky says in the article that Vince was so mad that he never talked to her again. Vince decides tonight to make things nice with Ms. Levitsky. He promises to do whatever is necessary to make things right. He even promises to have that written assignment done by tomorrow. “But I can’t do it now. I’m doing Late Night . . . or the LATE SHOW.” I hope Ms. Levitsky isn’t holding her breath.

Vince had the pleasure of meeting the President not too long ago. How was the meeting set up? Vince had one of his people call their people to set up a visit of the White House. The President happened to be arriving in his helicopter that afternoon and so Vince met the President. Vince asks Dave if he’s ever been invited to the White House. I “Played the Dave” and said, “No, but I’ve been invited to leave.”

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story opens Friday, starring Vince and Ben Stiller. The clip looks silly and funny.

ACT 5: shot of announcer Alan Kalter talking on his cell phone.

ALAN: “Hey, it’s Alan Kalter. You got any gigs for me?

No! No boat shows. What else you got. No. Alan doesn’t do car dealerships. What else?

I didn’t just hear you say you booked me at a retirement home. They’re not going to get my edgy material! I’m Alan ‘Givl’-ing Kalter! I used to be married to Joey Heatherton!”

Alan slams phone closed; exits.

Who does she like in the election? Margaret says she doesn’t care who wins just as long as it’s not “him” again. She really doesn’t care if it’s Gary Coleman just as long as it’s not him.”

Dave likes GWB because he’s so much fun. Dave admits to being a bit sorry to see Clinton leave office but has been pleasantly surprised at the fun GWB has created.

Margaret Cho’s standup concert film can be seen this Saturday on the Sundance Channel. Look for Revolution.

And that was our show for Thursday June 17, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Here’s something that I’ve been kicking around the last few weeks. Is the tax placed on gasoline based on the gallon or the dollar spent? If it’s based on the dollar, then the government is also profiting from the price increase on gasoline. Politicians would then have more money to dicker with for their programs. They get more tax money but the oil companies get the blame. I would think that the pols would then be in no rush to stem the price increase. But if the tax is based on the gallon, then never mind.

Who am I voting for this November? I’ll vote for the guy who makes it mandatory that for any home-furnishing item costing over $50, the assembly instructions must be worth more than 2 cents. It happened to me again just the other night. Denise ordered something the other day which I had to put together. I don’t mind assembling stuff as I’m pretty good with a screwdriver and rubber mallet. But once again, this $70 item came with instructions that were completely worthless. The print was tiny miniscule, lines and arrows going all over the place, and crude drawings of what should go where. How hard is it to include good instructions? Make it big, make it legible, make it easy to understand. And the person in charge of writing up the instructions shouldn’t be an expert assembler who has put the piece together 90 times. No! The instructions should be written by someone who has assembled the piece twice, maybe three times. Heavens! The writer of the instructions should NEVER EVER be an expert assembler. GIVE ME GOOD INSTRUCTIONS! If I were running for President, I would run on that platform. Come on, Ralph Nader! This is right up your alley.

WAHOO CORRECTION:
From yesterday’s Wahoo –

Wahoo Fun Fact: I was born on the same day and year as Tiger manager Alan Trammell. The day Alan Trammell won the American League MVP, I went 1 for 3 in a softball game. My only hit that day was an infield single. I have his baseball card somewhere in the house. I have a theory that he and I were switched at birth and it was really me who played major league baseball.

“Nice try, but Alan Trammell never won the MVP award. He got jobbed in 1984.”

Here’s something I wonder and chuckle about every summer. It’s these outdoor cafes and restaurants. People love to eat outdoors, even in the city. I can’t help but wonder what the attraction is to have the soot and dust and dirt and grime and pollution coming to rest on your Chicken Paddington. And all these people are walking past you looking at your dinner. Why would you want that? Years ago when I walked a police beat on the upper East Side of Manhattan, the same restaurant would put in a call every night to the station house complaining about a homeless guy asking the outdoor diners for their french fries. One of us would then slowly make his way to the location and tell the poor fellow he had to move along.

The owner would complain, “Isn’t there something you could do about this?” I would reply, “No, not really,” then think to myself “not when you charge us full price.”

It’s a joke! It’s just a joke! There was no police “on the take” in my day. With men like “No Licks Lavin” in the department, the NYPD was as clean as a whistle.

Someday I’ll tell you the story about “No Licks.”

Is what I do “blogging”? And if so, does that mean I’ve been blogging since November of 1996?