To kick off, we pay a visit to Rupert at the Hello Deli to introduce tonight’s ACT 1 segment. We find Rupert behind the counter and just by chance, he’s standing right beside some Rupert Hello Deli mugs he’s trying to sell. How much? $8 a mug. Dave asks if it’s true that if you buy a beverage, the mug is free. Rupert says it’s not true since it wouldn’t cover the cost. Dave agrees but calls it a “loss leader.” “Haven’t you ever heard of a ‘loss leader’?” Rupert says he hasn’t.

From Investopedia.com:

Loss Leader Strategy: The strategy of offering a product or service at a considerable discount and loss of profit in order to attract future business.

Also: A common practice when first entering a market, a loss leader's job is to introduce new customers to a service or product in hopes of building future relationships.

The citizens of Iraq continue to celebrate the newfound sovereignty. We have a clip of the elation from CNN. The festive Iraqis are jubilant with dance. I can understand their joy.

For those keeping score at home, the clip was from Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

And now A MOMENT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH:
From a June 23rd ceremony awarding the Presidential Medals of Freedom. We see the President attempting to secure the medal around the recipient’s neck. He fumbles and bobbles and can’t get the job done. After much effort he tries to just leave the medal hanging unsecured. Eventually, he just grabs and hands it to the recipient. It was a very proud moment for everyone involved.

JOHN KERRY LIE: From Friday’s Nightline: “I can be as footloose and fancy free and crazy as the next guy and I love to out and have a good time.”

Anyone who uses the term “footloose and fancy free”, isn’t.

Back to Rupert. He is there with a husband and wife team from Alabama, Linda and Ralph Burke of Rainsville, Alabama. Ralph is wearing a sweater which reads something like ABreadcrumb and Fish. A quick look and you would read Abercrombie and Fitch. What’s it mean? It has to do with the Biblical story of the 5 loaves and 2 fish that fed the masses. I scratched my head, thinking it was more than 5 loaves. For some reason I was thinking 7 loaves. After a quick Google check, I found it was indeed 5 loaves. I guess I shouldn’t doubt a man who wears “ABreadcrumb and Fish” shirt.

What are the Burke’s doing in New York City? They are here sightseeing, having visited Times Square and the subway. Just at that moment, Rupert’s phone rings. Dave chastises Rupert for having this happen once again during one of our little visits. Rupert apologizes and quickly answers the phone. Cut to Paul. He is on the phone and we can hear him saying, “. . . . and hold the mayo, Rupert, you got that?” Realizing he is on camera, Paul quickly hangs up. Funny man, that Paul. Rarely a night goes by where he doesn’t crack me up.

So how do we play “Late Show Bill Clinton Memoir Challenge”? Ralph and Linda Burke are given a copy of Bill Clinton’s 957-page My Life. They have 30 seconds to flip through the book and find the word “Monica.” The clock starts and the Burke’s begin their search. After the allotted time, they are unsuccessful. They do not win, but there no losers. They receive a Hello Deli deli platter and a copy of the Bill Clinton book, My Life. Dave suggests that they take it back to the hotel and possibly re-enact some of the passages. Big laugh from me here.

And that’s how we play, “Late Show Bill Clinton Memoir Challenge.”

Back from commercial, Dave takes a moment to have some fun with the LATE SHOW Hose Cam. Set up atop a light post on 53rd and Broadway, Dave directs the spray of the hose towards unsuspecting pedestrians. Childish fun, silly fun, lots of fun.

IS THIS ANYTHING? It’s a three person performance of balance, throat chanting, and operatic warble. Aurally, Paul gives it a thumbs up. Visually, not so. Overall, it wasn’t anything. And Dave agrees it was nothing.

TOP TEN: George W. Bush Complaints about ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’”
#10. “That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing.”
#9. “It oversimplified the way I stole the election.”
#2. “Couldn’t hear most of the movie over Cheney’s foul mouth.”

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: Dave noticed the same thing I did. Keira Knightley in the film, King Arthur. Knightley --- Knight. King Arthur and his Knights. Heh heh heh.

Keira is 19 years old and from London. She’s been professionally acting since she’s been 7 and began her search for an agent at 3. I immediately decided I need to do what this 3-year-old has done . . . find an agent.

Keira tells the story of while filming King Arthur she had an audition for a film entitled, The Jacket. Just prior to the audition, she developed food poisoning. She flew to London from Ireland. The flight was uncomfortable, to say the least. All during her meeting with the director, she kept telling herself, “Don’t puke on him. Don’t puke on him.” Although she was successful in not puking on him, she was unsuccessful in getting the part. The director must have been impressed with something in her because he did cast her for another part in the film.

Does Keira have a boyfriend? She says she doesn’t and it’s not an area she wants to discuss. As she puts it, “I’m a 19-year-old having a laugh.” Dave agrees and says that’s what 19-year-olds are supposed to do.

Odd age, 19. 18 is a biggie as you get to drive at night and vote and buy cigarettes, I think. 20 is cool because you are no longer a teen, and 21 is the big one where you can do everything. (Do they still have bars which state, “Must be 25 to enter.” I would think that would be discriminatory.) 19-years-old seems to be an undefined age.

Before filming King Arthur, Keira trained for 3 months in the art of sword fighting, archery, and swinging a mace. We see a clip of the results this training. Lots of sword play. Is it true to life? Did women actually take part in the brutal hand-to-hand fighting during the King Arthur days? Keira says it’s true and back in the day, the women actually fought in the nude. I’m not sure if the men did too. Dave wisely says, “It’s a wonder any fighting was done at all. I would imagine the opposite.” Even though I put quotation marks around what Dave said, he didn’t say exactly that. It’s the best I can remember 16 hours later. At least that’s the idea he was putting forth.

Keira talks a bit more about her role as Guinevere the warrior in the film King Arthur. Dave asks, “And what exactly does Guinevere worry about?” A puzzled Keira looks oddly at Dave. Then she realizes that with her British accent, Dave had thought she said “worrier” and not “warrior.” Silly, silly Dave. And as always, I laughed a lot at such silliness.

King Arthur – it opens July 7.

PAT AND KENNY READ OPRAH TRANSCRIPTS – If you’re a fan of The Oprah Winfrey Show, you know that you can write in and order written transcripts form any Oprah episode. We recently did just that and tonight our stagehands Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan performed part of the transcripts on our show. In this episode, Oprah welcomes celebrity guest,

Pat plays the part of Oprah.

Kenny plays the part of Bill Clinton.

Every time I watch Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I find it hilarious. Why, I don’t know. It’s just two guys reading a transcript from the Oprah show. No jokes. No hijinks. Just a straight read. It reminds me of how Arthur Godfrey first did something similar on his talk show when he would read Elvis Presley song lyrics. Godfrey would stand in front of a podium, and all stoic-like, read the lyrics. Hearing the words spoken by Arthur Godfrey instead of being sung by Elvis Presley made for great comedy. Pat and Kenny Reading Oprah Transcripts reminds me of the Godfrey bit.

ACT 5:

“It’s time for another edition of ‘Jeff Daniels Fun Facts.’

Popular actor Jeff Daniels was born in Athens, Georgia, but he grew up in Chelsea, Michigan. For his role in 2002’s ‘Blood Work’, he leaned how to play the harmonica. And here’s one more Jeff Daniels fun fact. Apparently, if you decide you want to be friends with the guy, and you show up at his house unannounced, after a few dozen times the police have these so-called laws that can make it so you’re not allowed to come within 1,000 feet of the guy. What is this, Russia?!

This has been ‘Jeff Daniels Fun Facts.’ Thanks for watching and drive safely.”

AMBASSADOR JOSEPH WILSON: author of the book, The Politics of Truth. Dave reads the subtitle, “Inside the Lies that Led to War and Betrayed My Wife’s CIA Identity” and summarizes that this is pretty much what the book is all about. What is the big issue covered in the book?

- Did Saddam purchase or attempt to purchase uranium from Africa, as said by President Bush in his State of the Union address?

Bush in the State of the Union Address: “The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.”

Wilson investigated this a year earlier and found no validity to the claim. He says many were under pressure from V.P. Cheney to “find” evidence of WMD’s but Wilson says he found none in this particular venture. Once the President said that Saddam had attempted to buy uranium from Africa, particularly Niger, Wilson notified the media about the discrepancy that no evidence to suggest any sort of deal was attempted. He then wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times which was entitled, “What I Didn’t Find in Africa.” Later that week, conservative columnist Robert Novak had revealed in the Washington Post that Joe’s wife, Valerie Plame, was a CIA operative, which in effect, ended her career as a covert agent and potentially her life at risk.”

The motive for the leak? Wilson feels it was a message from the White House do discourage others of coming forward to shed a bad light on the President

Wilson shares his views on Iraq, Saddam, the President, and the handover of Iraq (“grossly premature.”)

Final question: “Do you see the President being re-elected? Answers Ambassador Joseph Wilson: “Not if I can help it.”

Going into commercial, Paul and the band plays Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.”

And that was our show for Tuesday June 29, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’ve been thinking about this Jeopardy guy Ken Jennings who has won over $660,000 in his 20 game winning streak. I’ve been saying to myself, “Boy, ‘Jeopardy’ is really taking a beating with this guy.” But now I realize the show isn’t taking a beating at all. Each night somebody has to win and each night somebody has to get paid big money. For the past 4 weeks, this ‘somebody’ happened to be the same guy, Ken Jennings. Granted, his winnings each night has been bigger than the norm but the publicity generated by the winning streak more than pays for the difference.

Still, no matter how much Ken Jennings wins, my favorite Jeopardy winner of all time will always be Frank Spangenberg (1990). Frank won 5 nights in a row and earned over $100,000 back when there was a 5-show limit and the money was less. Plus, Frank was a New York City Transit Cop (subways) at the time and had gone through the Police Academy the same time I did. After his appearance on Jeopardy, he was a guest with Dave on LATE NIGHT and he returned some years later to the LATE SHOW as a member of the New York City Transit Department choir.

And now my Frank Spangenberg story: While in the Police Academy, a seminar was held in the auditorium of 1000 police probies. Police Law was the topic of discussion. A lawyer was pontificating with great confidence and pomp about this and that and asked if we had any questions. Frank Spangenberg raised his hand. He repeated then disagreed with something the lawyer had said. The lawyer did not like to be questioned or doubted, especially by a lowly police cadet, and reminded Officer Spangenberg of each other’s current position in life. The police department instructors who knew Frank smiled a knowing smile, realizing the lawyer from downtown wasn’t aware of what he was in for. Frank then very politely cited something that contradicted the lawyer’s statement and gave examples of why what the lawyer had said to be incorrect. The lawyer was stunned speechless. Frank followed up with more examples and offered the proper interpretation of the law in question. The lawyer from downtown shuffled his feet, and hemmed and hawed, took a step back and wiped his now sweaty palms on his the pockets of his suit. The lawyer in the expensive tie admitted that maybe he wasn’t as precise as he should have been. Frank, now even more polite than before, questioned if being precise isn’t imperative in law? The lawyer, now the defendant on the stand, could only mutter a “yes, it is . . . but . . . ” The crowd of 1000 roared a cheer exalting our new hero, drowning out what more the lawyer had to say.

And that’s my Frank Spangenberg story.