Dave sits and says, "You know, Paul and I have known each other for a long time . . . . over 4,000 shows together." (YIKES! What's Dave doing? This is how he introduces Popeyes New Full Flavor Green Beans and the Schick Quatro, coupled with the split screen of Dave and Paul! No one knew what Dave was leading to. And Alan would have a line, depending on which way Dave was going. There was panic in my seat, and I can only imagine what was going on in the Control Room.) Dave continues, "This will be our final show . . . . (WHAT!) . . . . . of the evening."

Phew! That was close. I sighed a sigh of relief. First, I sighed because Dave wasn't leading up to Popeyes or Schick, and secondly, because this wasn't actually Dave's final show, although it would have been nice to have the summer off.

And since it's summer, what better way to cool off than with the garden hose? Dave mans the Late Show Hose Cam mounted on a lamp post at 53rd and Broadway and squirts unsuspecting pedestrians, which are the best kind when you're trying to squirt someone with a garden hose.

HAS GEORGE W. BUSH BEEN DRINKING? From a June 10th Press Conference after the G8 Summit in Georgia.
The President says, "Anything we did would conform to U.S. law and would . . . ." The President grips the podium, leans back, and takes a couple long blinks like a drunk trying to steady himself.

CBS MAILBAG
LETTER #1. From Megan Halkett of Vancouver, British Columbia.
"Dear Dave, I am getting married in August. Do you have any advice for me?"
Dave says he has no advice for Megan, but someone she should be asking is Britney Spears. She's the marrying kind, again and again and again. Dave heard a weird announcement concerning Britney and her new engagement to be married.
Announcer: "Britney Spears is proud to announce she is getting married to one of her dancers. In addition, next week she will be marrying old flame . . . . Justin Timberlake. And July 17th, you'll want to be in Massachusetts as Britney ties the knot with . . . . . Jennifer Lopez. Massachusetts . . . . . Ooohhhhhh, yeah!"

LETTER #2. From Ben Woolen of Hamilton, New Zealand.
Dave is gleeful upon noticing that Ben Woolen is from New Zealand since Wool is manufactured in New Zealand. Heh heh heh. Imagine that.
"Dear Dave, What is your typical morning routine?"
Dave says he likes to go running each morning. And as a runner, he's intrigued by the new Adidas sneaker that was recently created; the one with a motor, battery, and microprocessor inside to adjust cushioning while you run. They tested it earlier today and it was shown on the CNN.
We see a paunchy, middle-aged man jogging down what looks to be 53rd Street. He's running at a nice clip. And then in midstride, just like that, the sneakers and the jogger explode to smithereens. Poof! Gone without a trace. Dave says he had the chance to talk to the wife of the man who met such a dreadful fate. The wife said she is still going to Sag Harbor this weekend.
A big solo laugh could be heard from just outside the shack.

LETTER #3. From John Clifford of Ansonia, Connecticut.
"Dear Dave, Are you looking forward to seeing any movies this summer?"
Dave says he was looking forward to seeing the "Spider-Man 2" movie that promises to be the big summer blockbuster. Unfortunately, he saw the film earlier today and was not at all impressed with the special effects. Very disappointing. Thanks to the video camera he snuck into the theater, Dave was able to bring back a clip to show what he was talking about.
Clip from Episode #1 of the "Spider-Man: The '67 Collection" cartoon.
DOC OCK (dubbed over): "I finally have the great Spider-Man in my clutches. How long I've waited for this day! Now, I'll force you to reveal the secret of your powers!
SPIDER-MAN: (dubbed) (in shackles) "I'll never talk, Ock. Never!"
DOC OCK: "You leave me no choice. Take this, web-slinger."
(Doc Ock turns on a TV for Spider-Man to see. It is footage of a recent Late Show episode. We see Dave slumping on his desk, saying in a drunken manner, "Hey, Jimmy. Bring daddy a Coors."
SPIDER-MAN: (frantic) "Okay! Okay! I'll talk! I was bitten by a spider. Now turn that crap off. For the love of God, turn it off!"

LETTER #4. From Frank Mustari of Leesburg, Virginia.
"Hey Dave, Any plans to do a week of shows in Baghdad?"
Dave and Paul traveled to Baghdad this past Christmas but they don't think they'll be taking the show on the road to Iraq. They both agree that the handover of control of Iraq to the Iraqi people this week is hopefully another step forward towards democracy in the area. In fact, they've already got a new national anthem which Paul and the band has agreed to perform.
With Paul on organ supported by the CBS Orchestra, we hear the new Iraqi National Anthem, sung by Paul.

"An interim day is dawning
Across the great land of Iraq.
We've got a temporary government
We more or less agreed to back.

Oh, Iraq,
Great, free Iraq,
We're filled with pride it's true.
The whole thing's pretty shaky,
But it's the best that we could do.
Best that we could do."

And that was mailbag.

After closing up the mailbag, Dave goes back to squirting pedestrians. Hey, fun is fun. If you had a hose cam at your desk at work, you would be doing the same.

Somewhere during the ACT 1, Paul hinted at Otis Redding's "Try a Little Tenderness." Or perhaps it was Dave and Paul then picked up on it. Any way, Dave asked if Paul could play some of that later in the show.

Back from commercial, it becomes obvious that Dave can't get enough of the Late Show Hose Cam. Dave turns the hose on and off while squirting those below. The rhythm of which Dave squirts the hose on and off reminds Paul to say, "That's the way I pee, now. Stop and go." Billy Crystal said something similar when he was on recently. Hmmm, is this what I have to look forward to?

While billboarding the show, Dave says Ethan Hawke will be on a little later, then admits he keeps wanting to say "Ethan Allen" instead of Ethan Hawke. I laughed at Dave's domesticity and pictured him catalog shopping to redecorate the den at home. I went through the same thing when I moved into my present home. I used the joke back then in 1999 and I'll use it again now. "More Americans know Ethan Allen for being a furniture store than for being a great Revolutionary War hero. I'm not sure what he did in the war, but I believe he sold England a living room set which resulted in their having no money left over to finance their army."

TOP TEN: Things Every New York City Tourist Needs To Know. And to present tonight's top ten list, New York City tourists!
Before starting the list, Dave adds his own: "Don't' walk in front of our theater on a hot day."
#10. If your car is towed, it's cheaper to buy a brand-new one than to pay the fines.
#9. Leave one relative back home to carry on the family name.
#8. (man) You wouldn't believe how friendly some of the men are in Greenwich Village.
#7. A cab from JFK to midtown should run you about $600
#6. You can economize on hookers by purchasing the weekly pass.
#5. Apparently the new "Spider-Man 2" movie is out on video already.
#4. Learn these four words: "I didn't see nuthin'"
#3. (couple) The police get very angry when they catch you having sex in their squad car.
#2. Don't put Ben-Gay on gunshot wounds.
#1. If you smoke in a bar, Mayor Bloomberg will kick you in the nuts.

This year 36 million tourists will visit New York City and will spend over $15 billion. And all of them will walk too slow.

ETHAN HAWKE: He's a dad of a 5 and a two-year-old. How's that going? Ethan tells what it's like to travel by flight across the country with a 2-year-old on your lap. He's learned the toddler likes to play in the bathroom. Lots to play with in there: faucet, toilet paper, mirrors, lights. Ethan says he used to try to fight it but now gives in, finding it easier that way. Ah, yes, spoken like a true parent. Peace at any price. Ethan was nominated for an Academy Award for his work in "Training Day," starring Denzel Washington. The day following the Awards, it was reported in all the papers that Ethan had gotten in a fist fight with Will Smith. What happened? Ethan says Will Smith had just gotten word that one of his children got sick and he had to run out. After Will ran out, the camera cut to Ethan, whose face was bruised. Those paid by the story quickly put 2 and 2 together and got 79 and went with the tale of Ethan and Will Smith getting in a fist fight. But Ethan's face wasn't bruised. It was smeared with lipstick from being kissed by Denzel Washington's wife. Dave says the obvious: "It sounds like the real story here was what was Denzel Washington's wife doing kissing Ethan Hawke?"
Back to the story, Dave says that's what Hollywood needs: More actors getting in fist fights.
The film "Before Sunset" opens this Friday in selected cities. It is sort of the sequel to the film made about 9 years ago entitled, ""Before Sunrise."

JON HEDER: pronounced Heeder. He's the star of the critically-acclaimed independent film, "Napoleon Dynamite." It has to do with the trials and tribulations of a nerdy guy growing up in small town America. It's something most Wahoo readers can relate to. Jon says he and his college friends got together after reading the script and decided they just had to make this movie. I had a similar experience in college. My college friends and I would read about the downtown bar specials in SUNY Cortland's weekly publication of "The Press" and say "We just have to go to that bar." See? Same thing.
How did Jon learn to act? Acting school? Jon says he just borrowed from his own growing up experiences and a lot from his brothers. We see a clip of Jon from the film setting up a bicycle jump in front of his house. Of course, being the nerd that he is, the jump is unsuccessful and falls right on his face. I had a similar experience in college. After going to the downtown bar specials, I too would often fall right on my face. Jon says his family is very excited about his success and has been very encouraging. When he moved to California a few months ago, his mother offered this bit of advice: "Just be careful when you go to Hollywood. . . . . because that's where Satan resides."

ACT 5: Paul and the CBS Orchestra performing "Try a Little Tenderness"; the Otis Redding version.

And that was our show for Wednesday, June 30, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I think I know why the Bush Administration decided to handover Iraq two days early. They didn't want to compete for the front page with the opening of "Spider-Man 2."

I was curious so I checked. In the dictionary, the word 'before sunset' is "sunrise." And the word 'before sunrise' is "sunny-side up." At least in the 1976 dictionary in my office, that is.
During the show I was thinking of bringing this to the attention to those who may be interested, but in the 1996 dictionary in the shack, I found the word 'before sunset' is "sunseeker" then "sunscreen" then "sunscald" then "sunroof" then finally "sunrise." The word 'before sunrise' is 'sun protection factor' and then 'sunny-side up." Things change fast in this ever-changing world.

"Spider-Man 2" opened today. That is the impetus for the following unnecessary Wahoo space-filler.

- How high could Michael Jordon jump if he were a spider?
If Michael Jordan could jump proportionately as high as a jumping spider, he would be able to dunk on a 260-foot-high rim.

- How did the Tarantula get its name?
The tarantula was named after the Italian seaport city of Taranto, where the hairy venomous wolf spider once abounded.

- What are the largest and smallest spiders?
The largest spider is the South American tarantula, as big as a dinner plate and heavy as a stick of butter. The smallest is the Comb-footed spider, smaller than the head of a pin.

- Were any spiders harmed during the filming of Spiderman?
More than 150 spiders were used in the laboratory scene in the movie "Spider-Man." An assistant auditioned spider actors picking the ones with the most predictable behavior, as the Humane Society looked out for their welfare. The movie's bug consultant, Steve Kutcher, stated that no spiders were harmed.

- How many spiders are there?
Scientists have identified 37,000 spider species worldwide, (2,500 species in the United States and Canada). Spiders first appeared on Earth 400 million years ago - about 170 million years before the first dinosaurs.

- Why isn't a Daddy Long-Legs a spider?
A Daddy Long-legs doesn't make silk, it is a scavenger and not a predator. It doesn't have a narrow waist or complex sex organs, but, like a spider, it is an arachnid.

I'm watching the Yankee/Red Sox game right now. Yankees are up, man on 3rd base, Gary Sheffield at the plate. After fouling off 8 pitches, Sheffield hits a line drive into the left field corner. Just as the left fielder attempts to handle the bouncing ball, the director decides to show us the man from third base walking across home plate. He took us away from the exciting action to the obvious. I'm guessing he took this shot for those in the TV audience who don't realize a man on 3rd will score on a double. It happens every game, yet I still cannot believe it. Why do directors of baseball games go to this shot EVERY time? Where is the quality control? Sorry. I know I've said the above 100 times before. I guess I'll stop when it finally makes sense to me.

More on automobile vent windows.
From Bruce Walker of South Charleston, West Virginia:

"Regarding the window vents, they had another useful purpose. Most of the time when you locked your keys in the car you could get a coat hanger through the vent and snag your keys or loop it around the lock and pull it up."

And now it's time for The Snapple Under the Cap Fun Fact of the Day - followed by a humorous comment:

"Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest, and highest continent on earth" And now the humorous comment: "Sounds like my first wife."