OK, OK, it’s a week late. So I made a mistake. Leave me alone.

It’s a double header. Thursday and Friday’s LATE SHOW recap.

Dave says he saw Will Ferrell’s Anchorman earlier and he laughed so hard he cracked his sternum. Paul’s advice: “sit in a bucket of ice.”

Dave mentions the Spider-Man 2 movie and how the parents of the Kirsten Dunst character wouldn’t allow her to marry the Spider-Man due to religious differences. Dave then referred to the web-slinger as “Spiderman” but pronounced it like the Spiderman’s, i.e. like Silverman. I chuckled at his accidental play.

LUMBERJACK CHALLENGE: Participating tonight on 53rd Street for the Lumberjack Challenge is: Darren Hudson: (gray t-shirt) 26, was just married in June; from Barrington, Nova Scotia.
- a former log rolling World Champion
- is a professional lumberjack competitor

Wade Stewart: (black t-shirt) 32; single; from Parksville, British Columbia.
- 2002 and 2003 Ironjack World Champion
- owns a tree-cutting business

They will be competing in 3 events tonight:
1. Underhand Chop.
2. Log Rolling
3. Speed Climbing

GEORGE W. BUSH SCIENCE UPDATE: From a June 24th speech on business innovation.

“It’s amazing with the software that has been developed these days that enable a camera to determine the difference between a squirrel and a bomb.”

Announcer: (w/ ominous music) “Has someone else’s negligence resulted in you being bitten by a radioactive spider? You may be entitled to a cash settlement. The law firm of Kressler & Siegel specializes in cases involving radioactive spider bites that cause infection and disability. We’ve recovered millions of dollars for our clients. Call the law firm of Kressler & Siegel today for a free consultation. Please, no normal spider bite cases.”

And have you heard that Michael Moore’s success in Fahrenheit 9/11 has spurred him to another film? He’s already promoting it.

Announcer: “From Michael Moore, acclaimed director of ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’, comes a documentary that’s sure to be even more controversial. Michael Moore exposes the lies and greed of America’s directory assistance operators, in ‘Fahrenheit 411.’ Opens Friday at selected theaters.”

Back LIVE to Dave who spits out the water he just sipped. He cannot believe Mr. Moore is going ahead with this project. It’s sure to bust open the dirty underworld of directory assistance operators everywhere. Dave is astounded.

GEORGE W. BUSH LIE: From a recent campaign stop, we see the President proclaim, “It’s good to be in Reno!”

Dave says he loves Reno. He was there years ago. Paul says that Dave once opened for Dave Mason in Reno. Dave thinks back those many years ago and says, “No, that was Tahoe.” Dave asks to no one in particular, “Do you know what river runs through Reno?” He answers his own question, “The Truckee River flows through Reno.”

Dave begins to introduce the next piece of comedy concerning De-Lovely, the film about Forrest Tucker.

Dave obviously misspoke and said the first name that came to his mind. He meant Cole Porter but said Forrest Tucker. And who is Forrest Tucker? He’s Sergeant O’Rourke from the television show “F Troop.” But why and how did Forrest Tucker enter his mind? My guess is the river Truckee made him think of Tucker. Just my guess.

So have you seen the promo for De-Lovely, starring Kevin Kline as Cole Porter? Here’s the promo.

Annoucner: “Come see the story of a man who gave the world something to sing about. Kevin Kline stars as Cole Porter in ‘De-Lovely.’ Just listen to what moviegoers are already saying.”

Woman #1: “I adored it! I’d see it again!”
Woman #2: “Delightful!”
Couple: (Girlfriend): “Just wonderful!” (boyfriend) “I wanted to see ‘Dodgeball.’”
Man: “I feel like the gayest man in America.”
Announcer: “’De-Lovely.’ In theaters July 2nd.”

UNDERHAND CHOP: The first piece of competition is the Underhand Chop. While standing on a block 12 inches in diameter, the lumberjacks chop the block in half. Before beginning the competition, Dave asks, “The Underhand Chop. What part of the pig does that come from?” I laughed at this. I am discovering the sillier the comment from Dave, the more I like it.

Wade and Darren begin their chopping with Wade winning by a splinter.

Back from commercial, we are set to see the next challenge by the lumberjacks in the Lumberjack Challenge.

LOG ROLLING – Also called “Birling.” The log is 15 inches in diameter. The smaller the diameter, the faster the log. Darren and Wade climb aboard the floating log and begin to spin it forwards and back, forward and back, back and forward. Wade soon tumbles into the pool, Darren is victorious. Whoever wins the 3rd round of the Late Show Lumberjack Challenge will be our champion. The final event will be the speed climb up and down the pole.

Dave enjoyed the log roll, stating that it’s harder than it looks. Paul shares his thoughts on the event, pointing out how the log spins and spins and spins and yet goes nowhere. Dave replies, “sort of like this conversation.”

TOP TEN: Things Overheard at Saddam Hussein’s Court Appearance.
#10. “If the mustache don’t fit, you must acquit.”
#6. “If you wanted a lawyer, Mr. Hussein, maybe you should have thought about that before you had them killed.”
#5. “You think prison scares me? I lived in a damn spider-hole.”

WILL FERRELL: Will congratulates Dave on his new baby and announces that he too has a new baby. It’s a beauty. Will brought along a clip. We see Will in front of his California home showing off his brand new Porsche. He loves it and is so very proud of it. Pointing out the finer features of the honey, you can see the pride in Will’s eyes. We then see Will’s wife enter holding a sweet pretty baby. Will complains they’re in the shot and shoos them away. We see the rest of the Porsche.

Will says he used to carry around baby photos but he doesn’t anymore since the baby “took all the attention away from me.” What Will does now is carry around head shots of himself to share with others. Will shows 3 thug mug head shots and 1 scientist-type head shot.

Will recently worked on a Woody Allen film and attempted to joke around with Woody. Woody wasn’t really receptive to Will’s attempt at the funnies. Will worked to find a common ground but was unsuccessful. Plus, Will points out that Woody is just so physically intimidating. He’s huge!

Will also shares stories of his visit to Vegas. He met Wayne Newton. Man, if I knew I would meet Mr. Newton I would be on a flight to Vegas in a minute, just to hear "Danke Shoen." Will Ferrell: In Anchorman – it opens July 9th. He plays an ego maniacal dumb guy.

And in the final event of the LUMBERJACK CHALLENGE, Darren and Wade line up for the speed climbing competition. It is a race up AND down the 50 foot pole. Wade won this final event and is crowned the LATE SHOW Lumberjack Champion. He receives a LATE SHOW Lumberjack Champion Sash, roses, and a Denny Lumberjack Slam Breakfast Platter.

Wade had two things going for him in the final event. One, I think he jumped the gun and got a head start. Two, poor Darren blew a spur on his run up. Equipment failure. Shame. Happens a lot in drag racing, too.

You can see more fun like the LATE SHOW Lumberjack Challenge at the “2004 ESPN Great Outdoor Games” in Madison, Wisconsin on July 8-11th. ESPN will broadcast the games in August. Check your local listings.

ACT 5: It’s time for a LATE SHOW Security Comedy Classic:

Dorothy: “What’s new?”
Stephanie: “My husband thinks he’s a chicken.”
Dorothy: “That’s awful. Are you going to get him help?”
Stephanie: “Are you kidding me? We could use the eggs.”

This has been a LATE SHOW Security Comedy Classic. Tell your friends.

And that was our show for Thursday, July 1, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

It’s July already. The Summer of 2004 has passed by June and is charging into July. How are your summer plans coming along? The diet? The exercise? The straightening of the garage?

I got my supply of illegal fireworks this weekend. Cops know all the best places to get fireworks. Unfortunately, since I’m an ex-cop and out of the loop, I had to go to a Wal-Mart in Connecticut. Connecticut allows sparklers and other shooting sparkler things. New York allows nothing. Hopefully I won’t be sent to the clink for celebrating our nation’s independence.

Some mail from the Wahoo readers:
Kate, from Athens, Georgia (Jeff Daniels is from there)

“When the Piedmont bird callers did the call of the peafowl, I perked right up. Not that the other calls weren't exciting, but I have first hand knowledge of the call of the peafowl. A few years ago I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and heard a terrible cry coming from outside. I looked out the window, but only saw the peaceful homes and wooded backyards in my quiet neighborhood. So I went back to bed. Sure enough, it happened again -- a strange, dreadful cry -- as if a woman were being murdered! I debated whether or not to call the police. I looked at my clock to note the time - in case the police came to my door to question me later about the attack/murder. Not knowing exactly what I should do, I decided to go back to sleep.

A few days later I glanced out my upstairs window and was startled to see three peacocks on my front lawn. They were moving slowly across the yard, dragging their plumage behind them. I yelled for my son to come as I opened the front door. The two of us stood transfixed as the peacocks fanned their tails and then made that same disturbing sound that had scared me silly during the night! The peacocks finally disappeared into our woods and we went back inside.

Months later, I learned a neighbor down the street raises peacocks and chickens behind his house. The grumpy botany professor next door complained so the peacocks haven't visited my house again. The neighbor who owns the peacocks, a divorced orthopedic specialist, did give us some beautiful peacock plumes, however.”

From Hope Dawson of Columbus, Ohio:
”You were both right about the loaves and fishes -- there were two separate feedings: 5 loaves, 2 fishes, 5000 men, 12 baskets of leftovers (e.g. Mark 6:35-44); and 7 loaves, a few fishes, 4000 people, 7 baskets of leftovers (e.g. Mark 8:1-9).

And from Tim Berry of Seymour, Tennessee:

“Although Mr. Burke's T-shirt referred to the miracle noted in Matthew 14 and Mark 6 where Jesus fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish, you were correct in remembering a similar miracle noted in Mark 8 in which Jesus fed 4,000 men with 7 loaves of bread. That Jesus is pretty cool.”

Wahoo Correction:
I said Pat and Kenny reading Oprah Transcripts reminded me of Arthur Godfrey reading Elvis Presley rock and roll lyrics. I received the following:

From Matt Smith of Kingston, Ontario:

“I believe you are mistaken. It was not Arthur Godfrey reading Elvis Presley lyrics. It was Arthur Godfrey reading Steve Allen lyrics.”

”I know it's just a test to see if anyone actually reads The Wahoo Gazette, but, as always, it's STEVE ALLEN, not Arthur Godfrey.

”You've done it again! It wasn't Arthur Godfrey who read Elvis lyrics in a deadpan voice. You're thinking of King George II of England who would read Shakespeare to his royal court with a Southern accent.”

“The irony of your comment, ‘...Arthur Godfrey first did something similar on his talk show when he would read Elvis Presley song lyrics...,’ is that Mr. Godfrey had penned many of the lyrics, including ‘You're nothin' but a houn' dog,’ ‘(I can't help) Fallin' in Love with You," and ‘Hot Child in the City.’ Mr. Presley's contribution to the lyrics was the suggestion to change ‘hound’ to ‘houn’, ‘nothing’ to ‘nothin’, etc. His original idea was to change ‘hound’ to ‘hot’, but Mr. Godfrey held firm and only demured when dropping the "d" was suggested.

”I'm not so sure Arthur Godfrey was the first to do a dramatic reading of the rock 'n' roll lyrics.
Here in the midwest there was a show in the late fifties called ‘Kirby's Enthusiasm.’ The host wasn't named Kirby, though; it was David something.
This host would punctuate some of his statements with a ‘Shoobie-do, Wop-Wadda!’ like Don and Juan (or was it Skip and Flip?) from the song ‘What's your Name?’
..but I thought you might like to know...

“Mike.. as a stockholder in Time Warner Inc I would like to thank you for your continued use of the "It reminds me of how (INSERT OLDER OBSCURE CELEBRITY NAME HERE) first did something similar on his talk show" gag that you always run the day after Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts. Industry estimates indicate that the volume of e-mail generated after the Gazette is posted each time drives the stock up at least 2 percent. Thanks and keep up the good work ! ;-)”

Stick around for Friday night’s show recap. Friday, July 2, 2004
Show #2200

Christina Applegate; and David Sedaris.
PLUS: Stump the Band; Will It Float?; a statement from those representing Saddam; and a Top Ten list.

It’s the fastest growing music sensation, it’s Stump the Band.

Paul playing Carnac holds up the sealed envelope and answers the question written inside. “White Chicks.” Make up your own question and compare it to what we came up with.

#1. Lauren Ohmer of either Savannah, Georgia, Indianapolis, Indiana, or both.

Her song; “Little Green Frog.” Will Lee tries to match the song.

#2. Loyola Carry of Newfoundland, Canada. His song: “Excursion Around the Bay.” Bruce Kapler tries his hand at matching the song. Learn from Loyola what a ‘mudman ‘is.

#3. Arlene Voll with the song, “Chicory Chick.” It’s Felicia’s turn to give it a try.

And that was Stump the Band.

Saddam Hussein was arraigned the other day in Iraq. His representatives released this statement. Norelco?

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item? 10 pounds of potato salad in a carton. Discuss with your friends.

TOP TEN: Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Fat Spider-Man.

CHRISTINA APPLEGATE: See her being attacked by a Kodiak. And her harrowing experience on jury duty. It involves Robert Blake! Christina Applegate is in Anchorman. It opens July 9th.

DAVID SEDARIS: David talks about his relationship with sister Amy; the difference between the English and Americans; and his brand new niece. He also reads from his #1 New York Times Bestseller, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.

ACT 5: 4th of July barbecue advice. And that will be out show for Friday, July 2nd. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey, I just realized something. I usually double up Thursdays and Friday’s Wahoo before a vacation, putting them both in the same issue. How does this affect the Wahoo Archives? Will Friday’s show recap appear on the Friday’s date?

Previously viewed programs scheduled for next week.

MONDAY JULY 5: From May 21, 2004; Show #2175:
Audience Show and Tell; Ellen DeGeneres; and The Strokes

TUESDAY JULY 6: From June 14, 2004; Show #2186:
Paris Hilton; Patti Scialfa; and a photo of Harry.

WEDNESDAY JULY 7: From June 8, 2004; Show #2182:
Cicada or Secada; Bette Midler; and spelling bee champion David Tidmarsh.

THURSDAY JULY 8: From May 20, 2004; Show #2174:
Kate Hudson; Outkast; and Jamail Larkin in a plane all night long FRIDAY JULY 9: From June 7, 2004; Show #2181:
More with Les; Bill Murray; and PJ Harvey.

Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.

That’s all folks!