Dave opens with, "Gee, you people look familiar" to a big laugh. He tells a joke then suggests to the audience, "If you'd like to say these along with me, go right ahead."

During the monologue, Dave told a joke I particularly enjoyed.

"Have you heard about these cicadas? I know you have." (big laugh) "They're dormant in the ground for 17 years, then they come out and want to have sex. Those that don't want to reproduce move to Massachusetts."

So why did the audience laugh when Dave said, "Gee, you look familiar," and "if you'd like to say these along with me, go right ahead," and "have you heard about the cicadas? I know you have"? Because Dave started the show, told a few jokes, and after a mishap, decided to start the whole thing over. Now you know the rest of the story.

AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL A&S#1: Hank Fortner of Dayton, Ohio. Dave says, "Dayton!" That's the home of the National Cash Register, isn't it?" Hank says it is. When I hear "Dayton," I think of two things: the Wright Brothers and Bill Lehecka.
What does Hank do for a living? Hank is a 22-year-old preacher. Does he have a favorite sermon? What is the topic of his favorite sermon? Hank says, "The one about sex." Dave is stunned and staggered. He gasps, "Are you kidding?" Hank says, "Yeah, I'm joking." Paul loves it, laughing at Dave's being had. "Haaaaa! He got you on that one!" cries Paul with glee.
What does he have/What can he do? Hank can make himself look like a gorilla. Hank gets down on his hands and knees, twists his face, and walks ape-like up and down the aisle. Says Dave, "And you ask if God has a sense of humor."

A&S#2: Todd Marella of Portland, Oregon: Todd is a carpenter. Todd's father was a carpenter. I "Played the Dave" and fully expected Dave to tell Todd to tuck in his shirt. I lost. Dave never mentioned it.
What does he have/What can he do? Todd fired a nail into his thumb with a nail gun and has the X-rays with him.
Ouch! Dave asks if this was done on a dare, bet, or mistake. Todd pulls out the X-ray and we see a sharp object clearly going through the guy's thumb.

And now my "nail-through-the-thumb" story.
While patrolling the upper east side of Manhattan during my days in the NYPD, my partner and I got a call to respond to a guy who put a nail through his thumb. We wince at the scene we are about to find. We get there and we see a guy sitting calmly against the wall reading the newspaper. We tell him we got a call for a guy who shot a nail through his thumb and if he knew where this guy was. He puts down the newspaper and calmly says, "Yeah, it's me." We take a look and see a huge nail going right through the thumbnail and he is HAMMERED TO A BOARD! My partner and I tried to show concern even though we found it kind of gruesomely funny. He was building a set for a school play and nailed his finger to a piece of scenery. He asked if we would take the claw side of the hammer and yank the nail out "Nothing doing," we said. We waited for the ambulance. When they arrived we decided to lightly hammer the pointed side of the nail back out through the board. Once we did that, the guy was free of the board but the nail was still lodged through the thumb. There was a half-inch of nail on each side of the thumb. It was way cool. And that's my "nail-through-the-thumb" story.

A&S#3: Thomas Korsak of Boston, Massachusetts. Thomas is a photographer. Thomas is wearing a Red Sox T-shirt. Dave says, "I heard you almost got Alex Rodriguez!" Thomas laughs a sad but angry laugh. Dave and Thomas talk about the BoSox and of Fenway, one of the last great remaining stadiums.
What does he have/What can he do? Thomas can play the theme to "Bonanza" on a pen in his mouth. He adds, "It's something I learned how to do in Geometry class." Funny line, which Dave enjoyed.
Thomas places the pen long-ways across his mouth and taps out the theme to Bonanza. Nicely done.

And that was Audience Show and Tell.

Back from commercial, Dave says he's not feeling too well tonight and so he's hired a guy who kind of looks like him to stand by backstage in case Dave can't go on. The guy who sort of looks like Dave will rush in and take over the show at a moment's notice, if necessary. Suddenly I felt much more secure.

WILL IT FLOAT:
Some sad news in the "Will It Float" family. Last night while entertaining at a club downtown, Kiva the Grinder Girl slipped on a wet stage and suffered a gash on her thigh which required 3 stitches. She is resting comfortably at home. Dave has photos from her night out to assist in his describing the incident. We hooked up a satellite to her Brooklyn home to check in on her.
Kiva says she slipped on a wet stage and the grinder went into her flesh, about a half-inch deep. Dave's main concern: "Will you grind again?" She says she will. This gladdens Dave.

Tonight's item: a 32-ounce can of lighter fluid. Filling in for Kiva on the grinder is our technical maintenance supervisor, Gary Mintz.
The girls drop the 32-ounce can of lighter fluid into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . sinks!

TOP TEN: Thoughts That Go Through My Mind During The Daytime Emmy Awards.
#10. "It's an honor to be surrounded by so many talented people I've never heard of before."
#9. "If I play my cards right, I really think I have a shot with that Ellen DeGeneres."
#5. "Just can't get enough of Bob Barker's hilarious neutering stories."

ELLEN DEGENERES: her daytime "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" has been nominated for a record-setting 12 Daytime Emmy Awards. By the time you saw our show, you would have known how many she won. Some of the technical awards were already presented and our former Art Director Christopher Goumas won an Emmy for the Ellen DeGeneres Show set design. Kudos, Goumas.
Is she up against Oprah for Best Talk Show host? "No," says Ellen. "Oprah has taken herself out of the competition since she's won it so much." Dave laughs at this truth. Ellen is also up against Dr. Phil. Worried? "No."
Ellen says she has never won an Emmy Award, though she's come close while starring in her night-time show. One year everyone convinced her that this was her year. Her main competition was Helen Hunt. Jay Leno was the presenter and when he announced the winner, he said "Ellen. . . . . Hunt." Jay has a knack of swallowing his H's. When Ellen heard "Ellen" she began to get up. When she heard "Hunt," she quickly pretended to be looking for something. I hope she wins/won tonight.

Her first TV gig? On a small talk show in San Francisco. She was still young and trying to make it big, still at the stage of her career where she was still always trying to please everyone. Also on the show was a hypnotist. It was asked of her beforehand if she would be willing to be hypnotized on the show. Wanting to please, she agreed. During the show, the hypnotist was talking to the audience, then suddenly turned to Ellen and said, "Sleep!" Wanting to please, she quickly went to sleep. Was she hypnotized? Of course not, but she so wanted to please. She faked sleeping through the whole show. She felt ridiculous while they talked about her as if she wasn't there. But at least they were pleased.

ACT 5: On cape tonight: Colin Quinn. You can catch Colin Quinn week nights on Comedy Central's "Tough Crowd, With Colin Quinn"

THE STROKES: From their new CD, "Room On Fire," The Strokes performed "The End Has No End."

And that was our show for Friday, May 21, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

77 years ago today, Charles A. Lindbergh completed the first solo nonstop airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. In Monday's New York Daily News "Voice of the People" section, a news reader wrote in with this gripe:

Long Beach, L.I.: "Seventy-seven years ago this week, Charles A. Lindbergh supposedly took off from Roosevelt Field on Long Island and landed across the ocean in LeBourget Field in Paris. Some say the plane was filled to the brim with fuel. One trip to the Smithsonian Institution will lay that theory to rest. The plane is too small. It could not possibly have left the ground with that much payload. The government lied to us!"

Good News/Bad News:
First the Bad News: This may be my last Wahoo Gazette.
Now the Good News: This may be my last Wahoo Gazette. Plus, I received this great news in my e-mail today.

"Please, I am Mr. Martin Williams, the only son of late chief George Williams from Sierra Leone. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance to transfer our cash of ten million dollars ($10,000,000) now."

I owe another apology. Two nights ago I mentioned how I had to apologize to spacklers across the country for doing such a horrendous job on a ceiling I spackled. Well, tonight I have to apologize to. . . . MYSELF! After some sanding and damp sponging and painting, it doesn't look half bad. So, I'm sorry, me. Nice job.