I enjoyed this monologue joke: “Jennifer Lopez has been married so many times, her ring finger has carpal tunnel syndrome.”

Dave, of course, is ecstatic over his team’s win in the 88th Indianapolis 500 with driver Buddy Rice. Dave gives a little history of his relationship with team partner Bobby Rahal, who he’s known since Rahal won the Indianapolis 500 back in 1986.

Dave offered a glimpse of what it was like minutes before the big race. He was there in the pit with Buddy Rice talking about girls. Yup, that’s just about the way I pictured it.

Dave throws to a video clip of some of that day’s highlights. Lots of vroooooooooming around the track, a shot of Buddy Rice drinking from the traditional quart of milk in the winner’s circle, and a shot of Buddy, Bobby, and Dave with the car while the photographers snap away.

Dave says about the winning race, “I had nothing to do with it but I was taking all the credit I could.”

What may be most satisfying for Dave is now when ever there is trouble at CBS, for what ever reason, he can simply say, “Hey, I won the Indianapolis 500 . . . . kiss my ass.”

I know what Dave means. When ever somebody gives my grief, I say, “Hey, I won the 1985 Rockland County Volunteer Fireman Softball Championship . . . kiss my ass.”

Have you seen the new Hot Pockets commercial? It’s an odd one.

“Hot Pockets are the perfect summertime eat-in-the-run snack food! Hearty, filling, delicious – make it Hot Pockets this summer. And for a limited time, when you buy Hot Pockets, you get a chance to marry Jennifer Lopez! Just look for the specially-marked packages and send in your completed form before the August 30th drawing. Pick up some Hot Pockets today for a delicious snack --- and maybe a whole lot more.”

Dave points out that “400,000 were at the race, and some of them were drinking alcohol.”

MOMENT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH: We find our President seated, speaking in front of an audience. Or trying to speak. He babbles, stumbles, stops, starts, stops, babbles some more. I’m not sure, but I think the President is auditioning for the Tonight Show announcer’s position.

We showed this same clip on the Friday before we left for vacation. This is what I said about the clip.

“Don’t worry if you missed this. I wouldn’t be surprised if this one resurfaces some time in the future.”

MORE WITH LES: Dave likes to check in with our leader every now and then just to touch base on what’s happening at the Tiffany Network.

Here’s a brief breakdown on what went down last week.

- Mel Karmazin resigned Tuesday, June 1st, as President and Chief Operating Officer of Viacom.
- Les Moonves, Chairman and CEO of CBS Television, was promoted to the position of Co-President and Co-Chief Operating Officer of Viacom.
- Tom Freston, Chairman and CEO of Viacom’s MTV Network, is also now the Co-President and Co-Chief Operating Officer of Viacom.
- Sumner Redstone is Viacom’s Chairman and CEO. Sumner is 81 years old and has said, “It is extremely likely that one of them will be my successor” as CEO.

Les explains that Tom Freston is a very capable executive and expects great success for Viacom working with him. “But what has he done? He sounds like a lightweight” Dave wonders aloud. Les lauds Tom’s creation of MTV, which has made billions for CBS. Dave scoffs. It’s nothing but music videos on the TV. Les counters. Yes, but it’s made billions. That in itself makes it great.

Dave still doubts how two powerful men can get together. Les is confident that he and Tom will work out fine, though adding, “If it were you and me, it wouldn’t work out.”

Dave says CBS should get the Indianapolis 500. Les is doubtful, claiming, “It’s all ABC has.” Dave suggests a trade; “How about a swap, the Indianapolis 500 for the Tonys?” Les laughs at the suggestion.

Next on the agenda: the new CBS shows this fall. Dave mentions a program; Les provides a brief description.

Listen Up – Les praises the new show coming this fall starring Jason Alexander as a host of a sports talk show.

Clubhouse – a 16-year-old boy becomes a man in a world of overgrown boys when he takes a job as batboy for the New York Yankees. Tuesday nights.

Dave grabs for another piece of paper.

House of Cards – Les is stumped. This he doesn’t quite recall. Dave provides the synopsis: “Reality show starring a dozen of the captured ‘Iraqi Most Wanted’ now living together in a Malibu beachhouse.” Sounds like a winner.

Dave thanks him for his time hangs up with Mr. Moonves.

Dave and Paul discuss the success of MTV and then Dave asks Paul if he can recite the original 5 Vee-Jays on the MTV. Paul has little trouble. Hmmm, I thought I wrote them down as Paul mentioned each but I can’t seem to find the list. Dang it. Let’s see if I can remember:
Quinn.
Jackson.
And 3 others.

Dave is a bit disappointed in his Indiana Pacers being ousted from the NBA playoffs. He astutely points out that no team has ever won the Championship after being eliminated. For more on the NBA Finals, our announcer Alan Kalter has something to add.

Alan: “So far the matchup between the Detroit Pistons and the Los Angeles Lakers has been was exciting as expected. Game 1 was a tightly fought contest, full of fast breaks and big plays. Back to you, Dave."
Dave: (confused) “Alan, who’s winning the series?”
Alan: “No idea, Dave. I didn’t watch the game. Last night, Big Red was getting BIZ-ZAY! Hit it!”
(music from Paul. Alan sings “Hot in Here” by Nelly. Alan gets up from his perch, walks across the stage, disrobing as he goes.)
Alan: “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes. I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.”

TOP TEN: Things Overheard at Jennifer Lopez’s Wedding.
#7. “You may now divorce the bride.”
#3. “This was fun --- see you at her next one.”

BILL MURRAY: dressed as a clown; red hat, red bulbous nose, colorful red suit with short pants, yellow gloves. Why? He’s job hunting and wants to be honest by letting the employer know what he’s getting. He interviewed at Foot Locker and Sam Goody. No success. He did get a Temp job at Cirque de Soleil. They figured, “He’s got his own clothes . . . we’ll take him.” He works as a spotter/breaker. What’s that do? He stands under the high-wire acts and it’s his responsibility to break the fall of an “unsuccessful” performance. Bill admits to sometimes being more interested in entertaining the kids in the front row and is in danger of not spotting a falling performer in time. For that reason, he practices by standing outside his home and having his kids throw heavy objects out the window randomly. This hones his peripheral vision and readiness at a second’s notice.

Does he do anything else at the circus? Bill says he makes faces. He gives a few examples of his clownish expressions.

Does he like the circus life? The people are fine but the food is a killer. Lots of Cotton Candy, Popcorn, and really big Cokes. It’s a discount thing and he admits to getting sick a lot. Bill says he simply pretends it’s supposed to happen.

What’s next for Bill? He’s thinking of going into detailing. If he finds the right car to detail, something really prestigious, it could kick off this new career. He looks longingly at Dave for a possible offer.

Bill Murray is a huge Cub fan, and they love him as much as he loves them. He was honored to throw out the opening day first pitch at Wrigley Field this year in April. We see a clip of that special moment. There’s Bill Murray in a Cub away jersey. He winds up and throws. Bill threw the ball as far as he could deep into the stands behind home plate. Bill said the pitch got away from him a little. It happens. Reminded me a bit of Cardinal, Rick Ankiel.

ACT 5: It’s time for Dwight the Troubled Teen, brought to you by Coppertone.

Alan: “So Dwight, what are your plans for the summer?” Dwight: “I don’t know. Probably going to the beach with my friends.”
Alan: “Sounds like you’re going to be doing a lot outdoors. I recommend you use any of the fine line of Coppertone products.” (Alan holds up bottle of Coppertone.)
Dwight: “Normally I would make fun of your ridiculous hairpiece and tell you I hate you, but you know what old man, I’m going to give it a try.”
Alan: “Come here, Dwight.”
(Alan holds his arms out to hug Dwight.)
Dwight: “Aw, don’t be gay.”
(Dwight exits.)
“This has been Dwight the Troubled Teen brought to you by Coppertone. Thanks for watching and drive safely.”

During the performance, I was running around looking for a pair of yellow Playtex gloves in case Dave wanted to close the show wearing them, since tonight was “Yellow Glove Night.” I was able to find one.

And that was our show for Monday June 7, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

So how much D-Day stuff did you watch this weekend? I can watch that stuff all day long, and I almost did.

I had to check out a Day After Tomorrow site which provided a plot summary. In the short summary was a mention of Jake Gyllenhaal’s love interest. I thought, “The world is about to end. Who cares about Jake’s love interest?”

Did you watch the Memorial golf tournament in Dublin, Ohio this weekend? I did, just for one reason. I wanted to see the cicadas. Every now and then you saw one fly across the screen, but it was very evident to the ear. There was a constant humming/chirping/whistling whenever they showed the golfers. I may have missed it but the announcers never said a word about it.

NBA Commissioner David Stern had this to say about the late starting times for the Finals (the earliest tip off being 9:10 EST):
"Put the kids to bed, then watch the game."

New York Post sports scribe Phil Mushnick exposes the obvious short-sighted view of the commissioner. Mushnick also points out that many adult fans in the east will likely fall asleep prior to the end of the game.

Won't this have an adverse effect on the ratings? No, just as long as the fans in the east fall asleep with the television on. That’s all that matters.

Did you watch the Belmont as Smarty Jones hoped to become horse racing's first Triple Crown winner in 26 years? Many thought he was a lock to win, including NBC. Following Birdstone's come from behind victory, all cameras turned to Smarty Jones' owner and trainer in the stands. Of course, we saw their disappointment. NBC was so sure of a Smarty Jones victory, they had no reaction shot of the elated Birdstone team.

The only sure thing in gambling is that there is never a sure thing, except that over time, the house wins.

Here’s something from the good news/bad news department:
First, the bad news: This may be my very last Wahoo Gazette.
And now the good news: This may be my very last Wahoo Gazette. Plus, I recently received this e-mail.

FROM THE DESK OF MR VINCENT MICADO
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, BILL & EXCHANGE
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
AFRICAN INTERNATIONAL BANK (A.I.B)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA-FASO.

”Dear Friend,
My name is Mr Vincent Micado. I am the Executive Director in charge of bills and exchange in the Foreign Remittance Department in our bank, I am writing to seek your cooperation over a business deal in my department.
I discovered an Unclaimed fund of Eight Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars (US$8.5Million)belonging to one of our foreign customers who was among other passengers that died in a plane crash in Abidjan, Ivory Coast in November 2000.”