It’s time for A Message from John Kerry. We see Senator Kerry at a July 16th press conference: “. . . . dawdled and diddled and daddled and didn’t do. . . “

GEORGE W. BUSH LIE: From a campaign stop in Wisconsin: “It’s good to be here in Ashwaubenon, Wisconsin!”

My favorite part of these, “It’s good to be here in . . .” is the peak down at the paper to remind the President of where he is. You cannot blame the President. He’s in so many places, spending minutes in each town, that it’s understandable how he could forget where he is. But heaven help him if he ever says “It’s great to be in Piermont, New York” when he is actually in Port Jervis, Pennsylvania. It would comedy fodder for weeks.

CBS MAILBAG.
LETTER #1. From Muneera Hayati of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
“Hey Dave, Do you realize that you are much more attractive now than when you were younger?”

I think I may have seen Dave blush when he read this letter. The happy reader is so filled with glee, he wants to read the letter again, and so he does. He exclaims, “This hasn’t had this kind of letter in 22 years.”

Dave is understandably flattered by the attention and decided to fly this woman, Meneera Hayati, to the show just so he could say hello to her. Dave introduces her and she makes an entrance. She looks over at Dave and one can see the immediate disappointment on her face. She says, “I’m sorry. I must’ve been thinking of Conan.”

Life is like that sometimes. Flying high one minute; grounded with a bent rudder the next.

Not sure of the significance, but it made those in the know laugh quite hard. Upon Ms. Hayati’s entrance and exit, Paul and the band played the theme to Sanford and Son.

LETTER #2. From Joel Allegheny of Plano, Texas.
“Dear Dave, Does the Hello Deli deliver?”

Dave says he thinks so, but he isn’t sure. We cut to Rupert at the Hello Deli and Dave asks if he delivers.

Says Rupert: “Oh, sure. A lot of my business is deliveries here in the neighborhood. Like earlier today . . .”

Rupert rubs his chin which is the universal sign for a gliss to a memory. We cut to a scene of Rupert exiting an elevator. Down the hall we see a woman, a very pretty woman, waiting with lust in her heart for her delivery.

RUPERT: “Turkey and muenster on a hero. That’ll be $7.85.”
WOMAN: “Whatever. . . “

The woman takes Rupert and kisses him with great passion.

We gliss back live to Dave.

DAVE: “Rupert, did that really happen?”
RUPERT: “Well, no. But I’ve got more.”

Another rubbing of the chin. We see Rupert and the woman still in the passionate embrace. Another woman, equally as lovely enters from inside the apartment and says to the woman, with a lusting towards Rupert, “Hey, save me some. I’m hungry, too.”

RUPERT: “Don’t worry, ladies. Rupert’s a full-course meal that will satisfy all your appetites.”

Ah, yes. That’s life in the big city.

LETTER #3. From Denise Griffin of Hawthorne, New Jersey:
“What are your summer plans?”

Dave is a voracious reader and hopes to spend much of the summer relaxing on the hammock and reading. One book he is really excited about is Imperial Hubris. It’s by an anonymous CIA agent and it is a scathing critique on how our country is handling the war on terror. Lucky for us, we have the author with us tonight in the Green Room. Dave welcomes the anonymous author.

We cut to the Green Room to find a black silhouette of a man sitting on a sofa. Dave welcomes the mysterious and anonymous author to the show. The author answers in a modulated altered voice.

DAVE: “So why do you believe that we’re losing the war on terror?”
ANONYMOUS: “We have yet to come to terms with the fact that we’re never going to win this war, unless we understand what motivates our opponents . . .”

Suddenly, we hear Biff’s voice off camera.

BIFF: “Man, it’s dark in here.”

Biff flips on the lights and we find it is Regis Philbin who is the anonymous author. A disgusted and obviously angered Regis stands and shouts, “Aw, nuts!” His identity has been revealed. Biff tries to calm the situation by lying, “Sorry, man. Hopefully they’ll edit this part out.”

Regis is still angry, not yet having received the cue that we’re out. Out of the corner of his eye he can see the red light on the camera, meaning the camera is HOT and the shot is going out on the air. He continues to pretend disgust until the red light goes out. What a pro. We finally go back to Dave who exclaims with surprise, “How about that! It was Regis!” We cut back to Regis and we find him now with his arm around Biff, smiling proudly, already counting the nice AFTRA check coming his way. Nice going, Mr. Philbin.

LETTER #4. From Ben Wollen of Hamilton, New Zealand.

Dave asks Paul, “Do you know the capital of New Zealand?” Paul hesitates, then answers the only way he could, “Hamilton?” Very funny man, Paul, and very wise. But he is wrong. “Wellington,” Dave says, as if everyone should know.

“Dear Dave, What is your typical morning routine?”

Dave is a simple man. His mornings pretty much consist of getting up and coming to work. Not much else. Our announcer Alan Kalter, on the other hand, had a pretty eventful commute this morning. Alan concurs. He rubs his chin. Another memory.

We see Alan sitting in the interior of a bus reading his morning paper. The bus comes to a halt. Alan continues to read his paper. The bus doesn’t move and we soon hear beeping from the unseen cars outside. Alan gets up. Outside the bus dancing is that annoying old guy from those Six Flags Amusement Park commercials. He’s dancing his crazy dance to that obnoxious yet addicting tune. Alan steps down from the bus, takes a look, then returns. Alan takes the driver’s seat on the bus. He puts in Drive and pulls forward. Alan then stops and puts it in reverse. Alan slams down on the gas pedal. The Six Flags bus runs over the dancing man from AARP.

And that was Mail.

That dancing old guy from Six Flags is like a bad accident. You don’t want to look but you can’t help it. You have to.

Dave mentioned him earlier and here’s the update: Ken Jennings, the Jeopardy guy, has won over $1 million dollars, appearing in 35 consecutive shows.

Is This Anything?: It’s a guy bouncing a ball off his face. He calls himself the Human Paddle Ball. And after watching that, you can call me the Human Uninterested.

Paul and Dave thought the Grinder Girl was something. They each thought our building engineer George Clarke filling in for the Hula Hoop was something. The Human Paddle Ball? Nah.

TOP TEN: Ways I, P.Diddy, Am Getting People to Vote.
Yesterday, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs announced a campaign called, “Citizen Change,” created to encourage young people to vote. And here to present tonight’s top ten list, please welcome, P. Diddy.

#10. To make voting hip, we’re putting velvet ropes and bouncers outside voting booths.
#8. Register today and receive a complimentary decanter of Courvoisier.
#5. To show people how easy it is, this November I’ll be voting several times.
#4. Anyone who doesn’t register to vote will receive nude photos of Ralph Nader.
#3. Remember ‘Hands Across America’? Yeah, well, we ain’t doin’ that.
#1. On the ballots, the candidates will be listed as P. Kerry and George Diddy Bush.

Whenever someone brings up “Hands Across America”, I can’t help but think of the missed golden opportunity of playing the greatest game of Telephone ever.

SHARON STONE: She’s in the Catwoman movie which opens Friday. After Sharon gets comfortable and Dave begins his greeting, Sharon interrupts and says “We haven’t kissed yet.” She explains the last time she was here they kissed and made up. So they kiss. Dave says he enjoyed that. Sharon suggests they kiss again. And they do. See girls, it’s just that easy.

Sharon has a 4-year-old son who is the world to her. Later this summer he will be spending time in Pennsylvania with his grandpa and guppy, his name for his grandmother. Grandpa has recreated an expansive playground in the backyard, complete with swings and sandbox. I was half-waiting for Dave’s “When I was a kid, all I had to play with was a rusty can.” Sharon says her parents are fun people. For their 54th Wedding Anniversary they asked for a 6 CD boom box so they can dance in the yard. Dave is charmed by the story. He then leans over and says to Sharon, “Give your mother a kiss for me.” He then kisses Sharon again. Slick man, that Dave.

Sharon has been nominated for an Emmy Award for her 3-episode appearance in The Practice. One of her first appearances on television was with Tom Selleck on Magnum P.I. She says it was a season premier and a two-parter. Not only that, she played twins; one evil, one good. Yes, we have a clip. We see Mr. Magnum being attacked by a pair of Dobermans. The Sharon Stone character has a handy handgun nearby and fires at the dogs. What was she shooting at? Well, today you’re not allowed to shoot at dogs, it being not PC, so she leads us to believe she was shooting at Mr. Magnum. That’s acceptable today.

During the commercial break, I learn from the LATE SHOW Magnum P.I. expert that Sharon Stone did not play twins in that episode. The story was the Sharon character’s twin sister died while young and the Sharon character was now suffering from schizophrenia. Yes, she had a dual personality, but she was just one character.

Back from commercial Dave asks about Catwoman. Sharon’s name in the film is Laurel Heddair and she wants Catwoman dead. Dave is disappointed in the name, hoping for a good name like “Evil Girl.” Nope, just Laurel Heddair. We see a clip from the film. Uh oh. The studio sent over the wrong clip. Instead we saw a scene from Cat Care with Rue McClanahan. “So many kitty cats!”

Dave introduces the real clip and makes reference to Sharon’s character as Connie Larson, or something like that.

A quick GOOGLE check uncovers that Connie Larson is a character on As The World Turns. Oh, that Dave and his stories.

ACT 5: It’s time once again for “Tales of Late Show Security.”

STEPHANIE: “About two weeks ago there was an unidentified man on the 8th floor.”
DOROTHY: “So we shot him.”
STEPHANIE: “Turns out he was the Fedex guy.”
This has been “Tales of Late Show Security.” Tell your friends. YEAH YEAH YEAHS: From their CD, Fever To Tell, Yeah Yeah Yeahs performed “Y Control.”

Ummm, how ‘bout them Mets?

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 21, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

You know those car decals of colleges people put on their rear window? It’s usually long and thin and reads, “University of ‘something.’” So yesterday I’m driving to work and the car in front of me on the rear window is a Massachusetts Institute of Technology decal. MIT is arguably the #1 engineering school in the country. What bothered me was the decal was put on crooked. For some reason it made me very nervous.

During Tuesday’s show, we met a woman from Yukon, Oklahoma. Many questions were raised, the first being, “Why is a town in Oklahoma named Yukon?” One explanation was Yukon is an Indian word for Great River, and the North Canadian River runs right through Yukon, Oklahoma, which is rich in Indian history.

This was backed up by Wahoo reader Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station, Virginia:

“The name ‘Yukon’, originally the name of a river in Canada, derives from the Loucheux Native Canadian word "LoYu-kun-ah", which means "Great River." I'm working on how Yukon, OK, came to be named that.

”The town of Yukon, Oklahoma (mentioned in last night's show) got it's name from the Spencer brothers (who founded Yukon in 1891) after the Yukon Gold Rush in Canada. They saw the little town as a ‘Golden Promise’ for themselves. It was not named because of the Czechs - we do have a Czech Festival every October though.
PS: Yukon is also the hometown of Garth Brooks and is indeed the Czech Capital of Oklahoma.”

So, according to the City Administrative Officer, Yukon, Oklahoma was named after Canada’s Yukon. The Spencer Brothers founded Yukon, Canada and then also founded this little town in Oklahoma and named it after the northern Yukon. Did the Spencer brothers also name the river that runs through Yukon, Oklahoma, the North Canadian River? Was that their idea, too? And if so, did these Spencer brothers realize the confusion and trouble they would one day cause?

OK, here’s another one: why is Yukon, British Columbia in Canada named Yukon? Is their a river that runs through that? I would think so, that’s why it’s called Yukon. Yukon, Oklahoma is named after the Yukon in Canada. The Yukon in Canada is named after what? Is there a City Administrative Officer from Yukon, Canada reading this?

Yesterday I mentioned I saw Young Frankenstein over the weekend but unfortunately I thought it didn’t measure up to The One and Only with Henry Winkler. It was one of those throw away lines I often use, realizing there may be only one other person who finds this funny. I received this e-mail this morning.

From Rene Garcia of San Antonio, Texas:

"’The One and Only" is a great movie and no I am not being funny. I thought I was the only person who even saw that movie. The old school wrestlers alone make it worth watching!”

And that’s my story about The One and Only.