Before the program, Dave read an interesting news article. Non-Hall of Famer Pete Rose had a burglary in his restaurant the other day. The news item in full reads:

"Pete Rose Restaurant Burglarized.
Pete Rose is set to throw out the first pitch at Wednesday's Florence Freedom game. But baseball won't be the only thing on his mind.
The hit king is picking up the pieces at his Florida restaurant after someone stole almost $10,000 in sports memorabilia.
The thieves got away with four jerseys and a football autographed by Dan Marino. Despite the disappointing news, Rose was happy that the burglars left behind his prized possession - a shirt from David Letterman."

So what do you think of this Sandy Berger guy? He sounds like a real piece of work. The former National Security Adviser for Bill Clinton stole some top secret documents from the National Archives by slipping them into his socks and pants. The National Archives released this statement.

"The National Archives regrets the security lapse that allowed former Clinton official Sandy Berger to remove classified documents from the premises by concealing them in his pants and socks.
But in our defense, we ask, how thoroughly would you want to frisk this guy? (we see a photo of the chubby cheatin' Sandy Berger.)
The National Archives. Working for you."

We cut to our cue card stud Tony Mendez. We see him wiping the spit off his arms and legs.

Earlier this week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called democratic legislators "Girlie Men" for opposing his budget and for not standing up to special interest groups. Well, watch this.
We see a title card, "Arnold Schwarzenegger Girlie Man." Cut to a bare-chested Arnold putting on a grass hula skirt and doing a wiggle. Quick cut back to the title card, "Arnold Schwarzenegger Girlie Man."

Dave follows this with another eruptive spit take. An order is put out to get Tony a rain coat and umbrella. It sure looks like rain tonight.

And now a Special Message from John Kerry:
"John Edwards and I / have a lot in common. / We have / gone to jail."

Spit take from Dave.

A MOMENT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH. We see the President at a rally among college kids. He is on stage surrounded by those in their late teens and early twenties. The President exclaims, "I wanna thank the good people here at . . . . uhhh . . . . at uhhh . . . ." He walks over to his notes and scans quickly. ". . . . at this wonderful community college."

And another spit take from Dave.

For those keeping score at home, the President was at Kirkwood Community College in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

And now what you've all been waiting for: What's on Iraqi Television? How this works is we show an old and odd piece of video, pretend it is from Iraqi television, and put an amusing caption to explain what we are seeing. Some of my favorites:
-(ice capades skaters) In an attempt to lighten their image, Iraq's most feared terror group is airing this special, 'Al-Qaeda on Ice."
-(women working over hundreds of tomatoes on a conveyor belt) 'Iraqi TV Land' reruns old classics like this episode of 'I Love Luja' in which Luja and Ethel work in a falafel factory.
-(Group of men eating) The judges on the Iraqi version of Iron Chef learn that for the 48th week in a row the theme ingredient is goat.
-(60s hipsters dancing) 'Dateline Al-Jazeera' is airing this never-before-seen footage of Chemical Ali's bar mitzvah.

Immediately following the Iraqi Television piece, Dave receives word that the Late Show will be disrupted to bring you Golf Highlights. I performed my own spit take back in the shack. I soon realized Dave was up to something. I sort of remember Mr. Kilborn raising a stink over something like this but I don't recall totally.

Back from commercial, before performing the Top Ten, Dave turns and does a spit take through the back window.

TOP TEN: Signs Lance Armstrong is Getting Cocky. After 16 stages of the Tour de France with 4 remaining, American Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning his unprecedented 6th consecutive Tour.
#7. For the last leg, he rode one of those crazy 1920s bikes with the big front wheel.
#4. After the starter pistol is fired, he hangs around hitting on French babes.
#3. Turns to other riders and says, "Ooooh, I'm soooooo scared."

MATT DAMON: Matt is currently working on 'Oceans 12", a sequel to the remake "Oceans 11." Lots of the big stars are in it such as George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, and a host of others. Hearing the cast made it sound as big as the cast in "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World." Is Matt having fun making the movie? He says they are shooting all over Europe with the biggest stars in the business, so sure, it's been a lot of fun, but a lot of work, too. Yeah yeah yeah. A lot of work.

I'll tell you what hard work is: Trying to write the Wahoo Gazette and prepare for a show with a broken computer. All week I've been going home to punch out the Wahoo, HOME! Where one should rest from work. But no, I've been taking my work home to a computer that works. My internet connections and access is all kaput at work.

Out of the blue, Dave says to the New England Damon, "Hey, nice job the making that Alex Rodriguez deal with the Red Sox." Matt mixes a smile with a cringe. I believe, from memory, this is the 3rd time Dave mentioned this to a Bostonian, once during an audience piece and once with Ben Affleck. Dave says the deal was so close but then it fell through. Matt says about the expensive A-Rod, "In Boston, we know the value of the dollar." Dave responds, "Do you know the value of 8 games out?" Matt says it doesn't matter that Boston did not get A-Rod, one of the Yankee utility players will end up beating them anyway, be it Bucky Dent or Aaron Boone or someone else. He has a point. In the great Boston/Yankee game a few weeks ago, the stars of the game for the Yankees were Miguel Cairo and John Flaherty. Dave doesn't understand how the deal fell through, claiming "I heard you were only $400 apart!" It's true. From what I hear, the amount of money that prevented the Red Sox from getting A-Rod was peanuts when you look at the overall picture. But when you are already playing in front of sold-out crowds, why the need to pay more for a better team?

How's your buddy Ben Affleck? Matt says Ben recently won some poker championship and is now the California State Champion! Ben won over $360,000 playing in a recent tournament. Poker is red hot these days.
Matt's "The Bourne Supremacy" opens Friday. It was shot in Moscow, Berlin, and India, among other places. (sounds like outsourcing). In the clip, Matt says we will see him doing karate.
Some other stuff happens, but it ends up with Matt doing karate.

CARMELO ANTHONY: as a freshman at Syracuse, he led the Orangemen to the 2003 NCAA basketball championship. He then became the #3 pick in the NBA draft chosen by the Denver Nuggets, and was named to the 2004 United States Olympic Basketball team. Carmelo said following his freshman year at Syracuse and the NCAA championship that he would remain in college. Well, things didn't work out quite that way. He soon decided to go into the draft and was the #3 pick overall, making millions. Why go pro? Ooops. I think I just said why. He made millions. How is it playing in Denver? Carmelo likes the area but the altitude sucks. The high altitude makes for some thin air which makes for some thick legs. Come the third quarter, the legs become heavy and tired. Traveling to other cities and it's the complete opposite. You feel as if you can run for days.
In a few weeks Carmelo will be joining the rest of the U.S. Olympic basketball team to Greece for the Summer Olympics. He assures they will come back with the Gold. Is he excited to play in the Olympics? Says Carmelo, "There's nothing better than wearing USA on my chest." Go, Melo!

ACT 5: It's time to announce the Late Show Staff Member of the Week.
This week's Late Show Staff Member of the Week is writer Joe Grossman.
Joe earned the honor by carving 'jackass' into the hood of Dave Letterman's car. Nice goin', Joe! Stick it to the man.
Joe Grossman, you're the Late Show Staff Member of the Week.

THE HIVES: They've been called the "best Live band on the planet" by Spin Magazine. From their new CD, "Tyrannosaurus Hives," The Hives performed "Walk Idiot Walk."
I enjoyed The Hives. The lead singer had a bit of the Mick Jagger in him. It sounded as if Dave liked their sound and energy as well. Says Dave, "That's fantastic!" He also liked their outfits.

And that was our show for Thursday, July 22, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

OK, OK, OK. I'm a bit tired this week, which is my excuse for screwing up this Yukon, Oklahoma/Yukon, Canada explanation. On Tuesday we had a contestant at Rupert's who came from Yukon, Oklahoma. This led to many questions:

1. Why is a town in Oklahoma named Yukon? - my original explanation was "Yukon" is an Indian name for "Great River." There is a river which runs through Yukon, Oklahoma now called the North Canadian River. The area was named "Yukon" from the river.
2. This had me ask another question: Why is a river in Oklahoma called the North Canadian River?

Here's what I learned since Tuesday night.
The town of Yukon, Oklahoma (mentioned in last night's show) got it's name from the Spencer brothers (who founded Yukon, Oklahoma in 1891) after the Yukon Gold Rush in Canada
The *Canadian* Yukon was founded by Hudson's Bay traders in the mid-1800s and then settled by gold miners near the end of the 19th century. The Spencer Bros were just a couple of thousands who came to the Yukon to try to strike it rich. Few were successful.

About the Yukon in Canada:
The first white person to see the area was probably Alexander Mackenzie in 1789 who traveled north down what's now called the Mackenzie River to the Arctic Ocean. He came back with tales of an even bigger river which the local Native Americans/Canadians (contemporarally referred to as First Nations in Canada) called something like Yu-kun-ah. That was the Yukon river and that's where the name comes from. Those `locals' weren't descended from the people that really first settled there though. That happened roughly 20,000 years ago and was farther north and west near what is now called Old Crow. The First Nations from which the name Yukon comes from belong to the Athapaskan cultural and linguistic tradition.
The Yukon is actually *not* part of the provice of British Columbia, but is a territory directly north of BC. In SAT terms, the Yukon is to Canada what Puerto Rico is to the US (but connected by land). That's not entirely accurate, but it's close.

OK, so now we know how the Yukon in Canada got its name. The Spencer brothers, who spent time there, then traveled south into an area now known as Oklahoma. The settled and named their new home "Yukon", calling it that because they saw the area as their own little gold mine. This is now Yukon, Oklahoma.

TA DA!

My many thanks for getting me this far:
Scott
Bruce Alter
Normand Harvey
Chris Rutkowski
Jack
Chris Begley
Tim Rundel
Yukon, Oklahoma librarian, Sue Kilmer

And why is the river that runs through Yukon, Oklahoma called the North Canadian River?
It probably has something to do with Yukon, Oklahoma being located within Canadian County, Oklahoma.

From http://www.canadiancounty.org/county/info/about/history.htm

THE HISTORY OF CANADIAN COUNTY.
The county's dominant geographical features are the Canadian and North Canadian rivers which bisect the region in a general northwest to southeast flow. Although other theories have been postulated, the rivers probably were named for Canada by the early French traders making their way into the region from New Orleans along the Mississippi, Arkansas, and Canadian river system. The county takes its name from the la Riviere des Canadiens, French for Canadian Rivers.

And that slams the book on Yukon, Oklahoma. Till we meet again.
Oh, and the Yukon River in Canada: it is one of the four longest rivers in North America. The others? Answer below.

Now that I've finished the Thursday Wahoo Gazette (from home), I have to do Fridays . . . . from home. And I have to do it before I go to work on Friday because my work computer --- it don't work. Hey, I have an idea. You want a Wahoo Gazette for Friday's show? Here's what you do: Watch the show tonight with the subtitles on. There. There's your Wahoo Gazette for Friday. Read it while you watch it. Dang, why did it take me so long to figure that out?

Answer to the River trivia question:
The 4 longest rivers in North America:
1. Mississippi
2. Missouri
3. Mackenzie
4. Yukon
If you got it right, give yourself a Ken Jennings star.