AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL – It’s America’s fastest growing party sensation. Dave also touts, “These people, dresses as they are, come from all over the United States to make deals – here in the marketplace of America, ‘Let’s Make a Deal’!”

A.S.&T. #1: Rick Hilsabeck from Hinsdale, Illinois. He now lives in New York. What does Rick have to show or tell? Says Rick, “I can blow up my tongue to fill up my mouth.” Dave responds correctly, “I don’t think we want to see that.” What does Rick do for a living? He’s an actor and singer. (I said the same thing whenever an audience member calls himself an actor: “Really? And at what restaurant are you a waiter?”)

Rick says he has performed with “Phantom of the Opera.” Can he sing something for us? He can. And he does a surprising good job! Very well done! But he’s got more. Rick then blows up his tongue to fill his mouth. From the front it didn’t look like much. The profile really sold it. His tongue DID fill up his mouth. Says Dave, “What are you? Some kind of tree frog?”

A.S.&T #2. Dave Hershey of Cincinnati, Ohio. I missed most of this since I was busy looking up the Let’s Make a Deal jingle and opening announce. I looked up at the monitor and thought, “I hope Dave asks him about his golf game.” Dave Hershey had that “golf” look. Hershey is a CEO of 2 private corporations. And what can a CEO of 2 private corporations do? He can keep a grape elevated in the air by blowing it. Interesting. Hershey leans his head back and places a red grape partially in his mouth. He begins to blow. The grape elevates about two to three inches above his mouth. I found this entertaining.

I’ll wait while you all run to your refrigerator and try this at home. I’m going to get myself a soda.

Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum. La-dee-dah, la-dee-dah. Whistle whistle whistle. Clean fingernails. Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum.

You’re back? How did you do with the grape? It’s not so easy, is it. I tried it earlier and I couldn’t do it.

A.S.&T. #3. Jamie Beehar of Westlake Village, California. Westlake Village isn’t far from where Dave once lived. They exchange stories about the area. As with most conversations about California, the subject soon turns to traffic. And how is traffic here in New York City. Jamie says she recently spent 2 hours in the Holland Tunnel.

What does Jamie have to show or tell? Jamie says she has something to show AND tell. From what I was hearing, I already knew she had a lot to tell. Jamie shows some photographs of her being on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show some years back participating in “Stump the Band.” We are familiar with Johnny’s “Stump the Band.” We’ve stolen it for our show. Come to think of it, now we’re stealing his audience members, too. Now all we need is Johnny.

What was the song Jamie sang way back then? “Mansion in the Sky.” Does Paul know “Mansion in the Sky”? Paul says Will Lee has the song. Mr. Lee sings “Mansion in the Sky” to the tune of Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky.” Did Will Lee nail it? Jamie says he didn’t. Jamie invites her daughter to join her in the performance of “Mansion in the Sky.”

For her performance, Jamie receives dinner for two, a Live on Letterman CD, and a box of Explod-A-Pop popcorn.

I wish I remembered to find out from Jamie what she received from Johnny’s show. I wonder if it was the blimp ride.

For some reason whenever Johnny played Stump the Band or any audience participation piece, I seem to remember many of the contestants asking upon being given a dinner-for-two certificate, “Can I have the blimp ride instead?”

Did you hear about Krispy Kreme doughnuts new treat, the Krispy Kreme Drinkable Doughnut. I guess it’s supposed to save you time from dipping. Well, it has been doing so well, other fast food restaurants are getting into the act. Have you seen the commercial?

“You’ve heard about Krispy Kreme’s drinkable doughnut --- that great Krispy Kreme taste in a convenient milkshake form. But if you’re hungry for some real food, swing by Burger King for our new drinkable Whopper. You’ll get a quarter pound of flame-broiled beef, red ripe tomatoes, creamy mayonnaise, crunchy pickles and onions, and a freshly baked bun all blended into a delicious shake.”

Cut to happy customer drinking the new Whopper shake. A piece of lettuce hangs from his lips.
“The new drinkable Whopper. Only at Burger King.”

GEORGE W. BUSH PUBLIC SPEAKER: From a July 15th speech regarding identity theft. The President standing in front of a podium says, “Thanks for coming. Be seated. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House.” (stares blankly for a few seconds) “Thanks for coming.” The whole thing was odd.

WILL IT FLOAT? Item: a tube of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls. Dave and Paul believe it will float. The Late Show models drop the item into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . FLOATS!

TOP TEN: Ways Bill Clinton Can Sell More Books – His “My Life” book broke records its first week on the market. Since then it has been breaking records for its drop off in sales.

#9. Smaller words and pictures so current Presidents can read it.
#8. Try to work in some crap about Da Vinci and his codes.
#4. Ask Al Gore to talk it up at the Barnes and Noble where he works
#2. Hilarious Mad Magazine-like Fold-in that turns Hillary into Paula Jones. Out of the Top Ten, Dave says in a sweet voice, “Were you a winner? Did you guess it would float?” It was his Mr. Rogers impersonation.

BRITTANY MURPHY: From the film, Little Black Book. It opens August 6th. We learn there is a difference between your basic pinky promise and the Brooklyn pinky promise. This was part of our Infotainment portion of the program.

Brittany attended the big premiere for Little Black Book last night. She plays a character who is an aspiring TV producer who has this obsession and immense admiration for Diane Sawyer. All throughout the film she raves about Diane Sawyer. And who happens to be sitting next to Brittany at the premier? Diane Sawyer? No.

It was Barbara Walters. Brittany had heard that Barbara and Diane have a bit of an ongoing feud. Halfway through the film after Brittany’s character had gone on and on about Diane Sawyer, Brittany leans over to Barbara and says, “You know, in real life I actually admire you. too.” Says Barbara rather gruffly, “Thanks, Honey, but it’s a little too late.” Brittany fears she may be banned from The View.

Brittany grew up in New Jersey and worked one summer as a babysitter. Her goal was to make enough money to buy colored contact lenses. Her only instructions for babysitting the three kids was “Here they are, don’t bring them home for 10 hours.” She finally earned the $250 to buy the lenses, wore them twice, never fit, and ended up getting all dried out.

And now my contact lens story: I was in college. I just got my first contact lenses. I wore them sometimes, sometimes not. One night I went out wearing my glasses. One drink led to another and to another, and since there was a special going on, led to a lot more others. I came back to the dorm stumbling. I spent 15 minutes trying to get my contact lenses out of my eyes. I couldn’t get them out for nothing. I didn’t realize I never put them in.

And that’s just one of my many contact lens stories.

Dave enjoyed Brittany’s visit, inviting her back to his place after the show. An excited Brittany says, “Sure! I’d love to see the baby!” A snagged Dave says, “Oh yeah, the baby. . .”

ACT 5: Does your pet look like Dave? If so, send a photo to:

My Pet Looks Like Dave
c/o Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019

Keep those photos coming in. Tell your friends.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: She’s back for the first time in a while. She talks about the hot steamy weather, golf, Tiger Woods, and her drinking problem you may have heard about. She had an inkling of being in trouble when her 30-day detox program lasted 180 days.

Paula Poundstone will be performing at the Improv in Dallas, Texas July 30th through August 1st. And that was our show for Friday July 24, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

More on Sharon Stone’s performance in Magnum P.I., some of what we saw in a clip Wednesday night.

From Nancy Norris of Houston:

“Everyone remembers Sharon Stone because of 'Basic Instinct' but I always remembered her from that Magnum episode because that episode was the only one (pretty much) where Magnum actually falls in love but he doesn't know she's a nut case - the last scene of the show is her pointing a gun at Magnum and mouthing "I love you" and then she raises the gun to her head and BLAM! and the show ends.”

From J. Lewis of Los Angeles:

”As a movie buff, I know ‘The One and Only’ is fluff, but I like it a great deal and think it is a very good example of staying within yourself (Think of ‘The Sure Thing’, another great flick.) That is to say, it is a B movie, and it knows it is a B movie, but because it doesn't overreach it is a very, very good B movie--better than many 'A' movies that are too full of themselves and go down the drain because of it.”

This came up in conversation the other day: What’s worse, envy or jealousy. I said “jealousy.” Many said “envy.” It ended in a tie.

WEDDING SONGS WHICH SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME:

From Pat Cousins of Euless, Texas:

”A female co-worker chose ‘Come Rain, Come Shine’ by the late Ray Charles as her big First Dance Wedding Song. Unfortunately, the DJ played the wrong track, ‘Makin' Whoopee’. ‘A lot of shoes, a lot of rice. The groom is nervous, he answers twice. Its really killin', that he's so willin' to make whoopee."

This from Timothy Otto of Athens, Georgia

”I believe I can shed some light on the ‘Sanford and Son’ reference on ‘Mailbag’ this week. I've heard Billy Crystal and other comics share this same story:

After ‘Sanford and Son’ went off TV, Redd Foxx went back to doing standup. One night, he was performing in Vegas. The house band played the ‘Sanford and Son’ theme as his intro and exit music. But on this particular night, something happened that did not sit well with Redd. I can't remember what it was (might have been a poor audience turnout, problems with the hotel's management, pay dispute, etc.). Anyway, the band plays the theme, and Redd comes out. But instead of doing his act, Redd unleashes an angry tirade on the audience, and then promptly turns and walks offstage (not to return). He had been onstage for about one minute. The band, unsure of what to do, just cranked up the ‘Sanford and Son’ theme again. From then on, Redd Foxx and the Sanford and Son’ theme became a point of reference for brief appearances onstage (i.e., the gag on "Mailbag".)

Hope this helps.”