Dave once again admits to being on performance enhancing drugs, claiming his head is now 6 to 7 times the size it once was.

Dave thinks back warmly nearly 28 years ago in 1976 when Jimmy Carter was elected president. He remembers brother Billy Carter sipping on a beer at a gas station giving his reaction to his big brother now being the President of the United States of America. It made for a very interesting and entertaining 4 years. It’s been pretty quiet since then. Roger Clinton appeared that he would provide some fun but it certainly didn’t live up to Billy Carter. Now Dave is hoping Teresa Heinz Kerry is the tinder box he’s been missing all these years. She certainly has the potential to being a live wire with a short fuse. We can only hope.

We pay a quick visit to Rupert at the Hello Deli. It’s Tuesday night and we usually have something planned with our friend. While talking with Rupert, Dave notices the camera lens could use a quick wipe down and cleansing. Could Rupert do that for us? Sure he can. Rupert comes from behind his counter and spits on the camera lens. He wipes it clean. Not quite what Dave had in mind but it got the job done. Dave sends Rupert outside to find a contestant.

A MESSAGE FROM AL GORE: Did you see him last night speaking at the convention? You didn’t if you relied on the free major networks, but lucky for you we taped a portion of his speech.

“We are here this week to present to the nation the man who should be our new president . . . Osama bin Laden.”

Oh! Did you see that amazing feat by American bicyclist Lance Armstrong? For a record 6th consecutive year, Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. And we are lucky enough to have him here tonight. Lance enters riding his Schwinn across the stage and out the back of the house. Yes, he looked a mite heavy to me as well. Dave was thinking the same and blames the largeness of Lance to the rich French food he’s been probably supping on of late.

This gets Dave to thinking . . . . what’s the difference between sauce and gravy? Paul tries to help by categorizing sauce as having that “je ne sais quoi”, as having the something special you can’t quite put your finger on. Yes, it’s quite the poser. Sauce vs. gravy.

Did you hear about the mountain bike accident suffered by the President yesterday? He was working a vigorous ride when he flipped over the handlebars and landed on his back. We had footage of the accident which we snuck out of Crawford. OUCH! Quite a fall.

We also call this, Fun with Shecky Footage.

Let’s get back to Rupert. With Rupert is 19-year-old Crystal, originally from Zimbabwe. Her dad was transferred to Virginia to work in his job of tobacco. Crystal moved to New York to get a job as a waitress at Bennigans. She hopes one day to become an actress.

The game tonight: “Would You Like To Tell Regis To ‘Shove It.’” You heard about the feisty Teresa Heinz Kerry who told a reporter to “Shove it.” Well, how would you like to tell Regis the same thing? We have Regis on Rupert’s phone right now. Regis thinks the game we are playing is “Would You Like To Talk To Regis.” We thought about playing “Would You Like To Talk To Regis” but we couldn’t find anyone who wanted to talk to Regis, so we had to change it.

Crystal is instructed to talk to Regis for a few seconds and then says, “Hey Regis, shove it!” All things are in place. All systems are go.

Rupert picks up the phone and greets Regis. The ever-polite Regis says hello to Rupert. Dave has Rupert ask Regis some basic howdy-do questions. Dave tells Rupert to ask Regis, “How was the show today?” Rupert asks, and Regis responds, “Great! Too bad you can’t be on a hit show.” BANG! Out of the park! Nice one, Reege.

It’s time to start the game. Rupert hands Crystal the phone and she begins to chat with Mr. Philbin. “Hello.” Regis answers. “How are you doing?” Regis answers. “Hey Regis, shove it!” Crystal quickly hands the phone off to Rupert.

And that’s how we play “Would You Like To Tell Regis To ‘Shove It’”. The LATE SHOW models enter with a Hello Deli deli platter and a Cuisinart Convection Steamer. Says Dave, “Ah, yes. A Hello Deli deli platter. A Cuisinart. And an assortment of fresh melons.”

We break for commercial.

So what’s the deal with the Cuisinart Convection Steamer? We had that standing by in case Dave asked Alan, “Alan, what are we playing for tonight?” Alan would say “A Cuisinart Convection Steamer.” Since Dave didn’t ask Alan, I guess we should have told the girls not to enter with the Cuisinart Convection Steamer. I’ll make a note to make a memo.

BIFF AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION – Day 2. Biff enters the shot. Who is speaking right now at the Convention? Biff, half interested, reads the monitor and says it’s the West Virginia Secretary of State who is also running for Governor. (I forgot his name.) Dave “suggests” Biff turn around and yell to the speaker below, “Wind it up, loser.” Biff gladly follows the suggestion.

Did Biff meet any important people today? Biff says he met New York’s Charlie Rangel. He also saw other important people who he had no idea what their names were.

Dave asks Biff about the article he saw in today’s Boston Globe. The writer of the article claims Biff was out gallivanting last night at a party with Bianca Jagger. Biff denies it, saying “You know how that it. They write whatever they want.”

Come to think of it, I think that’s printed right up there along the mast head:

"The Boston Globe – We Write Whatever We Want." The 5 W’s in journalism.

What does Biff have for us tonight? He went around polling the people in something called, “Biff Henderson Pollster.” Some of his questions:

- to a fat guy: “Do you get to vote twice?”
- to Governor Dean’s brother, Jimmy. “Do the yell” “Yeeee-haw!”
- state with the most annoying delegates? Guys says, “Kansas.”
- State we should sell to Canada? Same guy says, “Texas.” (My guess this guy was a Sooner.)
- John Kerry – look more like a horse or a mule? “Horse.”
- Mary Kate or Ashley? “Ashley”
- When was the last time you made whoopee? Old guy, thick accent answers, “About noon today at the Radison Hotel.” He brings in his wife to show her off.

Back from commercial, Dave talks about scratching his chin in a way that looks like a rude yet common Italian gesture. Dave asks if this is allowed, his scratching his chin in this manner. Our executive producer Barbara Gaines is on the line with the CBS censors and they say there may be a problem with that. Ms. Gaines relays that message to Dave. Dave is not a happy camper over this decision. He finds it hard to believe that he cannot scratch his chin with his fingernails on the back of his hand. Dave begins to scream, “I have red fiery ants on my chin! Red hot fire ants! I’m being attacked by fiery red ants! Help me! What can I do?! I can’t do anything.” An exasperated Dave says, “That’s just a big tub of luke warm ‘djoy.’” Paul instructs Dave that he can’t say that either.

(The Wahoo Gazette is a family newsletter. We do not print expletives in this publication. In order to decipher ‘djoy’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘djoy’ on your keyboard.)

Dave sighs an angry sigh and proceeds with the show. He reads from the blue card just handed him.

“Gravy – juices that drip from cooking meat”
“Sauce – any flavorful seasoning served as an accompaniment to food.”

Paul says, “Oh come on now. That’s just bull-‘djoy’.” Oh how I laughed at that.

JOHN MCENROE: He’s a tennis Hall of Famer. He’s also now a talk show host of McEnroe on CNBC, weeknights at 10:00 PM. John sits down and says something funny. What it was, I don’t know. I was running under the theater returning to the shack. I just delivered the gravy vs. sauce blue card and I watched Dave reading it while I was in the guest entrance area. Then while Dave introduced John, I made my way back to the shack. I made a note to watch the beginning of the interview later that night at home. At home Tuesday night, I missed what John said because I was cleaning the basement for the cleaning lady who was coming Wednesday morning. I can’t have the cleaning lady cleaning a dirty house. I missed it twice. My guess is John either said “djoy” or else he made the gesture Dave was not allowed to use. I was surprised to learn that we actually did have to pixilated the scratch.

Dave and Mac talk about Lance Armstrong, steroids in sports, steroid use in the tennis world, Clinton’s speech, how John plans to vote in November, and Teresa Heinz Kerry. McEnroe’s use of the word “balls” was also bleeped last night. I like Mac’s appearances. He’s always got something to say and isn’t one to color up his response to make it pretty.

I blame all this on that Jackson girl, La Toya or Janet. Or maybe it was Rebbie.

ZACH BRAFF: He’s in the big NBC hit, Scrubs. He also the writer, director, and star of the new film, Garden State, which opens Wednesday in New York and Los Angeles and no place in between.

Zach has been busy promoting his new film, traveling from city to city talking to anybody who has a microphone. He admits the film doesn’t have much of a promotional budget which is why he’s been doing so much leg work. Much to his surprise, he finds that people are pretty much the same no matter where he goes. He’s been keeping a log of his travel from city to city and has been putting it on his website. This activity is called ‘blogging’, short for, I guess, web logging. It’s an online diary. Eh hem. Something that I’ve been doing at the Wahoo since ’96, before there were computers even. One odd thing that happened on his promotional tour took place on a plane. Zach just settled in for the flight when a guy comes running and plops himself in the seat right next to Zach. He is out of breath. He quickly picks up the in-flight magazine “Skymail” and starts flipping through it feverishly. The guy stops at a page with an advertisement for a cat stroller. For some reason, the cat stroller was of the utmost importance to this man. Zach still wonders, “why the cat stroller?”

Scrubs begins its fourth season on Monday. I found it odd that a network show would make its season debut in July. Is this some kind of new thinking? While typing this up much later in the night, I checked to see something in the Zach Braff notes. The notes read that Scrubs opens its new season in the fall. Maybe I heard wrong about the show opening its 4th season on Monday. Sorry, but you’ll have to check your local listings. He did check to see what the lead in to Scrubs will be. The lead in is very important in the ridiculously important issue of ratings. Leading in to Scrubs this year will be an animated program based on the Vegas act of Siegfried and Roy called, “Father of the Pride.”

We see an amusing clip from Zach Braff’s Garden State. The cut away in the scene caught me by surprise as it was quick and sharp. “Garden State” – if I went to the movies, I would go to see this one.

ACT 5:

Alan V.O.: “And now a LATE SHOW Announcement.
If you love the LATE SHOW, then you’ll love ‘Sanford and Son.’
And guess what? Season 4 is now out in the popular DVD format.
Join in on all of the fun moments with Fred, Lamont, and Aunt Esther. Like this.”
Cut to scene of ‘Sanford and Son.’ Fred fears he is having a heart attack.
“Don’t have a heart attack, Fred! These DVDs are available at fine stores everywhere.
We’ll be right back.”

And if you want to know Dave’s thoughts about tonight’s show, check out his blog on the Dave Home Page. He’ll also be offering hot nighttime chat. And that was our show for Tuesday July 27, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I thought it was bad Monday night when the networks decided to only show 1 hour of the Democratic National Convention. Then I checked Tuesday’s TV schedule and found they weren’t showing any! None of the networks are showing a minute of the Convention Tuesday night. Monday night each of the Big 3 showed Bill Clinton from 10-11 P.M.

Does anybody else smell collusion?

Speaking at the Convention Tuesday were Senator Edward Kennedy, Howard Dean, Ron Reagan, and Teresa Heinz Kerry.

Let’s take a look at what the networks find more important than the Democratic National Convention, the official purpose of which is to choose our leader, the most powerful person in the world.

CBS: instead of the Convention, a repeat of Navy NCIS, Big Brother, and The Amazing Race.
NBC: instead of the Convention, 2 hours of Last Comic Standing, followed by a repeat of Law and Order.
ABC: instead of the Convention, Extreme Makeover, According to Jim, Less Than Perfect, and NYPD 24/7
FOX: instead of the Convention, Trading Spouses, That 70s Show, Quintuplets, and the news.

Making the decision for the networks:
CBS: Les Moonves.
NBC: Jeff Zucker
ABC: Steve McPherson
FOX: Gail Berman

It seems as if Tuesday is Reality TV night on the networks. I guess they feel the Democratic National Convention is too scripted.

Demonstrators are planning a demonstration here in New York’s Central Park during the Republican National Convention next month. They’ve been told they can’t demonstrate in the Park and now they’re looking for a new venue. But aren’t demonstrators supposed to be anti-establishment, against the status quo? Shouldn’t they hold their demonstration where they want? Their being told that they can’t demonstrate on the Great Lawn in Central Park should make them only want to do it more so. “Down with the Man, man!” At least that’s the way I remember it.

“When they said ‘sit down’ I stood up. Growing up.”

Yesterday I said that John Kerry at the Red Sox/Yankee game avoided answering the question whether Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. I said somewhat facetiously that the reason he didn’t answer was because he knows that many out there are so small-minded that they would vote against Kerry simply over his view of the Pete Rose question.

I then read this Tuesday morning in the New York Daily News “Voice of the People” page:

From Fred Hanlon of Staten Island: “After watching John Kerry rooting for the Red Sox against our Yankees, I have to say I cannot vote for him now.”

I am sadly amused that Fred Hanlon’s vote, based solely on the basis of John Kerry’s favorite baseball team, will negate the vote of another who spends hours and hours and hours researching and studying the views and opinions of the candidates and decides to cast his vote to the Democrat.

Teresa Heinz Kerry: her ketchup has 57 varieties.

Senator John Kerry: his position on the issues has 57 varieties.

This must be an old joke that’s long been making the rounds around Republican circles, but I haven’t heard it yet. Is it out there? It’s too easy not to.