Filling in for Paul tonight, keyboardist Jeff Kazee. Paul is in Thunder Bay, Ontario with his father who is suffering a bout with pneumonia.

Yesterday we played "Would You Like To Tell Regis To Shove It" with Rupert and a sweet young woman named Crystal from Zimbabwe. Regis was under the impression we would be playing "Would You Like To Talk To Regis" but we lied to him to get him on the phone. We all had a good laugh when the young Miss said to Regis, "Hey Regis, shove it", then slammed the phone down. Of course, Regis talked about it on his "Live with Regis and Kelly" and he sounded none too pleased. It's one thing to be told to shove it and hung up on by an Emmy Award winner like Dave, but to suffer that indignity from an unknown lass off the street, well, Regis is an Emmy Award winner as well, albeit Daytime, and he shouldn't have to put up with such. We see a clip of Regis and Kelly on their morning show discussing the incident. Yes, Regis had ire in his eye, still smarting from the uncalled for rudeness put forth by the Late Show. After all, Regis thought he was doing us a favor.
Dave may have had some bad feelings over the incident and decided to phone Regis and apologize for the stunt. Dave explains he just watched the clip from the morning's show and admired the light blue jacket worn by Regis. Dave asks, "Your jacket . . . does it come with short pants?" OUCH! That was a big laughing OUCH!
Dave gets to the apology. He apologizes for hanging up on Regis and for making him the butt of our joke. Dave follows that with laudatory praise for the Reege, claiming the talent possessed by Mr. Philbin outshines the combined talent every talk show host in the land. Regis is pleased to hear Dave has finally considered his feelings in the matter and begins to explain what went through his mind during last night's phone call. Just as Regis begins to get into the story, Dave slams the phone down. Oh, so mean. So mean and yet so funny. And yes, I'll be watching the Regis show again Thursday morning.

Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention? If you have that means you have cable. Did you happen to see Senator Edward Kennedy last night? Did I hear right what he said? We have a clip.
"John Kerry and John Edwards / are / gays."
Oh, the fun we have with editing.

CBS MAILBAG.
LETTER #1: From Jonas Rellsve of Ski, Norway
"Hi Dave, Ever thought of going into politics?"
Dave responds, "Who cares?" Dave says he's been watching the Democratic National Convention of the C-SPAN, which has been broadcasting the entire event. Have you seen their promo?
"Don't miss a moment of C-SPAN's 2004 Democratic National Convention coverage. We'll bring you all the exclusives live from the convention floor, like . . . . people milling about. . . . technicians checking stuff . . . . and guys in suits pretending to be important. C-SPAN. Your source for complete convention coverage."
OK, so it wasn't the funniest joke but you never want to start off too quick. This was only Letter #1. You want your comedy to build slowly. Being too funny too fast may result in one suffering the comedic bends.
Following Letter #1, Dave invites on stage a great American hero, winner of 6 consecutive Tour de Frances, bicyclist Lance Armstrong. Lance rides his bicycle across the stage and out the back of the house.

LETTER #2. From Alan Domer of Ankeny, Iowa
"Dave, Have you ever had the opportunity to be in the movies?"
Dave responds, "Who cares?" But Dave is happy to debut a new segment entitled, "Alan Kalter's 'At A Theater Near You.'"
ALAN: "Thank you, Dave, and welcome to Alan Kalter's 'At A Theater Near You.' Today I will be reviewing the much talked about film, 'The Village.' 'The Village' is about a small community of people who come together at a time of great need. They meet late at night at the corner of Christopher and Greenwich Streets. They soon find themselves in dark, crowded places where the music pulsates in lustful, forbidden rhythm and the air is thick with the smell of heaving, chiseled bodied grinding against each other in a steamy, sweaty bowl of love pudding. I really enjoyed the film, Dave. I gave it 2 thumbs up."
DAVE: "Alan, are you sure you saw the supernatural thriller, 'The Village'?"
ALAN: "Oh." (beat) "Maybe there are two movies called 'The Village.'"
DAVE: "From now on, what you say on the show must be cleared by someone."

LETTER #3. From Ron Enright of Brookings, Oregon
"Dear Dave, Which mode of transportation do you prefer when commuting back and forth from work?"
Dave responds, "Who cares?" But have you heard about the new car being developed by Toyota that can express emotions while being driven? We have a clip of their commercial.

"The latest automotive innovation from Toyota is specifically designed to help you, the driver, communicate better. Changes in headlight color will allow you to express feelings like appreciation, surprise, and anger. Variations in window tinting will indicate whether the car feels tired or awake. And a durable, synthetic hand will give other drivers the finger." (see a hand giving the finger much like a hood ornament). "Toyota - get the feeling."

LETTER #4. From Sze Ming Chuah of Penang, Malaysia
"Dear Dave, Who would you vote for, Kerry or Bush?"
Dave responds, "Who cares? It's hard to decide so we invited the Democratic Presidential Candidate to make his case in person, Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts."
Enter Senator John Kerry, who looks a lot like Late Show writer Gerry Mulligan.
KERRY: "Whitey in the house! Where all my peeps at in 212? Whitey in the house! White man in the house!"
DAVE: "Thanks for taking the time to visit with us the night before your big day. How's the speech coming, by the way?"
KERRY: "Coming along great, Dave. I just took Gore's speech from 2000 and made it less gay."
DAVE: "That's wonderful. Now your wife, Teresa, was in the news this week for telling a reporter to shove it. What do you have to say about that?"
KERRY: "Welcome to my hell, Dave. The woman's a full-throttle, pedal-to-the-metal, nitro-burnin' bitch."
DAVE: "May I ask why you married her?"
KERRY: "She's got a billion dollars, jackass!" (yells to audience) "Who's a dawg?!"
DAVE: "I have no idea what that means. Now as I mentioned, tomorrow you finally make your appearance in Boston. Have you been watching any of the convention?"
KERRY: "Sure. Last night, Senator Edwards and I watched it together. Take a look."
Cut to VT: Kerry and a bare-chested, abbed-out, hunky Edwards sitting on a sofa watching TV. Kerry finishes a beer and says to Edwards, "Hey, who gave you the night off? Daddy needs a refill, you panty-waist."
DAVE: "Well, that was thoroughly upsetting. So are you flying to Boston this evening, Senator?"
KERRY: "Yeah, in fact I gotta blow. Me and Affleck are gonna get stupid drunk, yo. You in, D-Train?"
DAVE: "I think not. Senator Kerry, ladies and gentlemen."
KERRY: (exiting) "Go see 'The Princess Diaries 2.' It's the royal event of the season!"

And that was mailbag.

BIFF HENDERSON AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
-We go to the Fleet Center in Boston, Massachusetts. Dave asks Biff if he's learned anything about the political system in his days at the DNC? Biff says, "Dave, I haven't learned a thing up here. They're just wasting their time." He adds, "They've lost touch with reality. Our forefathers are probably rolling in their graves."
Has Biff seen a lot of celebrities? Biff responds, "Ahhh, who cares?"
Any meaningful political discussions? "Not really."
What does Biff have for us tonight? "I walked around touching delegates." We see a two minute piece of Biff walking the ground of the Fleet Center touching delegates. Some enjoyed it. Some did not. Watching some of the more ungrateful touchees, I had to ask "Who is our muscle with Biff?" We had none. Biff was on his own to defend himself in case somebody decided to do some touching back.
Dave thanks Biff for his fine report, then commented that he seemed a little dispirited today. One more day, Biff. One more day.

TOP TEN: Things Overheard During Teresa Heinz Kerry's Speech - she spoke Tuesday night at the Democratic National Convention.
#8. "The accent's pretty thick, but her English is still better than Bush's."
#6. "Pretty impressive - she can spew obscenities in several languages."
#1. "Hey, that's the bitch who told me to shove it."

BOB NEWHART: Man, do I like the Newhart. Never fails to make me laugh. Bob just had a statue of him erected in Chicago, commemorating his role as a Chicago psychiatrist in the TV "Bob Newhart Show." Bob Newhart joins Jackie Gleason's Ralph Kramden statue in front of New York City's Port Authority, Mary Tyler Moore's statue in Minneapolis, and Andy and Opie's statue in North Carolina. What's next? My guess: the Happy Days crew in Milwaukee. Or maybe Bonnie Franklin and Schneider in Indianapolis.
Bob says there have been some awkward moments with the new statue; some have mistaken the statue for him!
Listening to Bob made me think he has the same delivery as Bob Dole, or should I say Dole has a similar delivery to Newhart. Every now and then you think they've lost their train of thought but they haven't for a second. They know just where they are at all times.
Bob had to battle some bad weather on his flight here tonight. Bob's not much of a fan of the flying. He's decided to only fly with whatever airline pays their pilots the most. "I don't want a disgruntled pilot." On a recent flight, a stewardess approached him and said that Mike Tyson would be sitting next to him. Minutes later, Don King and Mike Tyson enter the plane and they head to Coach. Soon, Don King comes to the front of the plane and sits next to Bob Newhart. Bob says, "Don, you must be some promoter to be able to talk Mike Tyson out of his First Class seat." After the flight, Don King pointed out Bob Newhart to Mike. Mike Tyson says, imitated perfectly by Bob Newhart, "Dat not Bah Newhart. Bah Newhart is bigger den dat." Bob quickly apologizes to Mike Tyson. Dave was impressed with Bob's impersonation. Bob then says he can only do two; the other being Dr. Henry Kissinger. He then does Kissinger.
I have in my data base everyone who has ever done an impersonation on the show. Dr. Henry Kissinger is one of the most frequent persons to be impersonated. I will somehow put them together for a comedy piece.
Dave mentions and congratulates Bob on 41 years of marriage. Does he and his wife still travel with Don Rickles and his wife? Yes, they do. Many ask how he can stand the non-stop insults? Bob says it is easy, you simply don't pay attention to him. "If you paid attention to him he would drive you nuts.
Yup. Sounds like he's been married 41 years.
Dave also congratulates Bob Newhart on his Emmy nomination for his dramatic role in a recent episode of "ER." Bob has never won an Emmy Award before. You might as well mark this one down already in your book for Bob's first. He's winning.

ACT 5: It's time for a message from the Late Show Lost and Found
Alan: (bloody scratched face) "Are you missing an adorable baby bobcat? If so, please call us at the Late Show and leave a specific description, including coat pattern and coloring, so we can verify ownership and return your bobcat to you." This has been a message from the Late Show Lost and Found. Tell your friends.

213: Pronounced Two One Three. Featuring Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, and Warren G, from their new album, "The Hard Way", 213 performed "Groupie Luv." Big names. Good song.

To close up the show, Dave introduces Lance Armstrong one more time. Being up close like that to the Tour de France champion, you can almost feel the power.

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 28, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

And just who was that subbing for Paul tonight? He's Jeff Kazee, keyboardist for Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes. This wasn't Jeff's first turn at the show. He was here subbing for Paul during Dave's battle with the shingles, February 27 and 28th, 2003. Here is what Jeff wrote about that experience on his web log, found at www.kazeemusic.com.

"Another highlight this year was subbing for Paul Shaffer on The Late Show with David Letterman a couple times. The short story … Dave was in a bout with the shingles, called in sick for what was to be a fairly long sick leave. Paul had to miss the first two shows of the substitute host parade - it went of for several weeks. All of this happened at the very last minute and the band had to find someone quick for Paul. I had recently seen Anton Fig (the drummer and substitute Music Director for Shaffer) and he knew I was in town. He and Will Lee (bass player god of the universe) gave the producer my name and I received a call asking if I could be there in NOW. Doh! Within a half hour I had taken a cab from Queens to the Ed Sullivan Theater and was onstage with guys barking out orders while I tried to figure out Paul's rig. Anyway, I taped two shows - everything went better than pretty good and I became a small footnote in my all-time favorite show's history. A few days later I got a call from Paul's assistant asking me to come back and accompany Paul in a musical bit for his own turn at hosting the show. The staff, band, and Paul were very kind to me - thanks to all of them and especially Anton. The honor was all mine."

USELESS FUN FACTS
-On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. I'll wait while you look.
-"Evian" spelled backwards is naïve.
-Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jacks box.
-The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world
-St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man who ran a saloon there.
-Moon was Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name.

Now that's he's been nominated, John Kerry is the face of the Democratic party. Not only that, he's also the face of the Democratic donkey.