In for Paul tonight, who is in Canada with his dad who has pneumonia, it Anton Fig, Dave’s drummer for the past 45 years. Anton also is known as Buddy Rich, Junior. Helping out on keyboards, Michael Bearden, and on the drums Duke Diamond.

Have you been watching the Convention? Earlier tonight there was some trouble in the Fleet Center as an intoxicated Al Gore attempted to accept the 2004 Democratic Presidential nomination. We see him “accepting” the nomination to a chorus of boos. The CNN graphic underneath Al Gore reads, “Intoxicated Al Gore attempts to accept 2004 Democratic Presidential nomination.” I saw this clip during rehearsal. Just before the show, it was suggested we add some booze to the shot. I wondered, why monkey the shot up? Why put some booze on the podium, it’s fine as it is? I thought the booze would be too jokey, but I kept quiet. Not till I saw the clip later on the show did I realize they wanted to add “boos” to the clip, not booze.

And did you see John Edwards during his speech Wednesday night? We did and were enthused to put together this piece called, “John Kerry Making Friends.” We watch in slow motion a portion of the speech from John Edwards. Slowly, he swirls his tongue around his lips in a rather sensual manner, sensual especially when you put the sexy sensual music behind it.

And Dennis Kucinich was at the Convention. Did you hear what he had to say?

“I / sleep under / bridges.” Ah, yes, fun with editing.

And our camera crew shot some footage of the goings on at the Convention and sent it back to our comedy lab here back home. Our comedic scientists quickly went to work and developed a Democratic National Convention Quiz.

(Empty seats, people milling about)
This footage was shot:
A) 12 hours before the convention opened
B) early Tuesday morning
C) During Dennis Kucinich’s speech

(Gore speaking)
Al Gore had to wrap up his speech at eight o’clock because:
A) several speakers were waiting
B) he was only allotted twenty minutes
C) his shift at Applebee’s started at 8:30

(older woman)
The woman on the right is well-known among democrats as:
A) an effective fundraiser
B) a tireless volunteer
C) Truman’s “Lewinsky”

BIFF HENDERSON AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION.
We find Biff at the Fleet Center in Boston, Massachusetts, home of the 2004 Democratic National Convention. How is Biff enjoying himself?

Biff: “It’s winding down, coming to an end, thank the Lord.”

Did Biff see John Edwards’s speech last night? “No.” Biff says he “went to eat at Pizza Uno.”

What’s going on at the Convention today? “Same thing as all week . . . . not much.”

Who is the politician talking at the podium behind Biff? Biff turns and says it’s Bill Pasell (?) from New Jersey. Dave suggests Biff turn around and yell, “Wrap it up, grandpa!” And Biff does so. Biff seems so drained and defeated from the whole Convention thing that I think he would do anything at this point just to get closer to the end.

Has Biff tried any of Boston’s seafood fare, such as clams, steamers, chowder, lobsters? “No.” Dave urges Biff to try some when he gets the chance. Biff says, “That’s good for those who like it.”

What does Biff have for us tonight? He conducted a one-on-one interview with famed documentary filmmaker, Michael Moore. We see the clip. In a big crowd, Michael Moore is making his way across the room. Biff yells out, “Michael! Michael! Michael!” No response, so he yells again louder, “Michael!. Over here, Michael!” Still nothing. “Michael!” Michael Moore passes by without stopping, barely making eye contact with Biff. And that was that.

Biff says Michael Moore is at the convention all time. He’s here first thing in the morning and he’s the last to leave at night. Dave says, “And you know why that is . . . . .” Did you “Play the Dave”? I did. I yelled out, “FREE FOOD!” Dave says, “And you know why that is . . . . free buffet!” DING! I win at “Play the Dave.”

So is Biff going to be covering the Republican Convention? Says Biff, “Let’s just get through this one.”

TOP TEN: Ways John Kerry Celebrated Winning the Democratic Nomination
#3. While taking congratulatory phone call from Bush, got to hear President crash his bike again.

Back from commercial, Dave reveals one of those dark show biz secrets: Years ago, Anton used to get girls for Gene Krupa.

NATALIE PORTMAN: She’s starring in Garden State, the film written and directed by Zach Braff. It’s on my list of movies to see. Natalie’s been coming to the show since she’s been a kid. Dave holds up a photo of Natalie from 10 years ago, guesting to promote one of her movies, Beautiful Girls perhaps. Or maybe The Professional.

Is Natalie married? Nope.

Dating? She says, “I sleep with this guy Charlie . . . (If I had been drinking I would have done a spit take) . . . Charlie, my dog.” Oh.

She recently graduated from Harvard with a degree in Psychology. Good for her. Can she tell anything about Dave by observing? Natalie asks a bit nervously, “Do you really want me to share it with everyone?” Dave admits to being a twit and a first class hypochondriac. Come to think of it, a hypochondriac considering himself a hypochondriac is part of the symptom as well.

And speaking of her dog, Charlie, he is brought down to the stage and makes an appearance sitting on Natalie’s lap. Such a good doggie.

Natialie Portman in Garden State. It’s quirky, yet fun.

Back from commercial, we learn what Dave does during the break. He holds up one pencil from under the desk. He pulls lifts the pencil higher to reveal another pencil attached to it. Pulling it even higher, we see a third pencil attached to the first two. And even higher, a fourth attached to the first three. Any you thought we don’t accomplish anything during the break. Pshaw.

PAT AND KENNY READ OPRAH TRANSCRIPTS: Pat plays the part of Oprah. Kenny plays the part of Brad Pitt. They read from actual transcripts of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Every time I watch Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I find it hilarious. Why, I don’t know. It’s just two guys reading a transcript from the Oprah show. No jokes. No hijinks. Just a straight read. It reminds me of how Stephanie Miller first did something similar back on her short-lived late night talk show by reading Elvis Presley song lyrics. Ms. Miller would stand in front of a podium, all stoic-like, and simply read the lyrics. Hearing the words spoken by Stephanie Miller instead of being sung by Elvis Presley made for great comedy. Pat and Kenny Reading Oprah Transcripts reminds me of the Stephanie Miller bit.

ACT 5: It’s time once again for ‘Dwight the Troubled Teen.’ Tonight, ‘Dwight the Troubled Teen is brought to you by True Value Hardware. True Value Hardware. Help is just around the corner.

ALAN: “Hey, Dwight, how’s your summer job going?”
DWIGHT: “Summer jobs are for losers.”
ALAN: “You should work somewhere cool, like True Value Hardware.”
DWIGHT: “Wow. True Value Hardware. That would be cool.”
ALAN: “What do you say I give you a ride there right now!”
DWIGHT: “No way. I wouldn’t want to be seen with you, you red haired freak. I hate you. I hate all of you.”

AMBULANCE LTD: From their self-titled debut CD, Ambulance LTD performed "Primitive.”

And that was our show for Thursday July 29, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

In Wednesday’s New York Post Page Six:

“Sightings – Biff Henderson from ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’ checking into the lowly Sheraton in Braintree, Mass.”

And in Thursday’s USA Today:

“Former vice president Al Gore addressed the Democratic convention Monday night just after 8 p.m. ET. What the networks aired from 8-9 p.m.:
ABC: ‘My Wife and Kids’; ‘George Lopez’
CBS: ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’; ‘Two and a Half Kids.’
ABC: ‘Fear Factor’”

Mark it down: Wednesday July 29 I saw my first Back To School Sale commercial. You know what that means: Christmas commercials any day now.

Hey, networks, listen up. You’re nuts if you don’t get Jeopardy into your prime time lineup this September. I’m not sure how it works or what network owns it, if any, but it’s a home run for sure. Ken Jennings as the recurring champ . . . . it’s a no-brainer! That’s why I’m surprised no one at the networks has thought of it yet, it’s a no-brainer.

My computer at work is still kaput. There in no internetting for me at work. Somehow, even though I’m not logged on the internet I’m still getting all these pop-ups. The good news is I keep winning stuff. Every other pop-up reads “Congratulations! You’re the 10,007th visitor! You win!” I haven’t checked yet to see what I’ve won but I can’t believe it’s so easy to win!

That’s all, folks.

Still tattoo-free, unpierced, and goatee-less.