Say hello to the new set; new desk, new guest chairs, new carpeting, new inlay. We fancied it up a bit to brighten the place.

Sunday at the Michigan International Speedway, Buddy Rice was the victor in the Michigan Indy 400. Tony Kanaan led for 183 of the 200 laps with Buddy passing him with 11 laps remaining. This was Buddy’s 3rd Indycar win of the season and remains in 2nd place in the season standings.

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY:
“And what can I say about Teresa? She’s / on / pills.”

GEORGE W. BUSH LIE:
“You know, I read a lot of history.”

WHO ASKED FOR IT?
Audience members with questions.

#1. Pete Yune: He’s the assistant equipment manager for the Oakland A’s. Or maybe he’s just the assistant to the equipment manager. Dave doubts the man’s story. How are the A’s doing? Pete is proud to say the Oakland A’s are in first place. Who are their big guns? Pete proudly points to the staff of Hudson, Mulder and Zito, and the hitting of Chavez. Dave is impressed with the young man’s quick grasp of the facts. But what’s Pete doing in New York? Don’t the A’s have a game today? Pete and the A’s are in town to play the Yankess but have an off day today. I quickly check the sports page and Pete is correct. The Oakland A’s face the Yankees for a 3-game set, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

What is Pete’s question? “Dave, I was wondering if I could press a button in the control room?” Dave is somewhat puzzled by the request but allows the boy named Pete to go ahead. Pete runs on stage and through the guest entrance. Within seconds he’s in the Control Room. Someone points to the control panel. The technical director says, “Sure, press anyone you want.” Unfortunately, Pete must have pressed the wrong button because he suddenly ‘sploded to smithereens. It’s not what he had in mind.

Pete must have been a recent hire by the Oakland A’s because a quick Google check revealed that the assistant equipment manager for the team is named Brian Davis. Hmmmm, I smell a plant, and it’s not a rose.

If all goes well tonight, Dave promises to show a photo of little Harry later in the show.

#2. John from Rockaway Beach in Queens. Ah, a local chap. Johin is a student at SUNY Oneonta in upstate New York. Dave likes the sound of that, SUNY Oneonta, and has John repeat the school’s name slowly, “SUNY Oneonta.” It’s fun. Dave asks John if that’s the reason he decided to go to SUNY Oneonta, because it’s fun to say. John laughs. I know the reason John went to Oneonta. It’s the same reason anyone from New York goes to Oneonta --- because it’s close enough but far enough from home. Dave asks John if he has ever done any work as an assistant equipment manager? John says he hasn’t.

What’s John studying at SUNY Oneonta? Elementary education. Dave praises him, saying “God bless school teachers” and reminds us all that Dave has a young child soon to be 9 months old.

John’s question: “I really liked it when you’d throw things out the window so they’d smash on the street. Could you do that again?”

Yes, it’s a LATE SHOW staple, throwing stuff out the window. Is Pat Farmer around? We cut to a shot from 53rd Street up to Pat looking out the window atop the Ed Sullivan Theater. Dave explains what John would like to see and asks if Pat has something like a watermelon on hand. Luckily for us, Pat Farmer in one of the best Property Masters in the business and just happened to have a watermelon with him at this moment. Pat says he would gladly drop the watermelon from the window.

We see Pat stick the watermelon out the window and release. The camera follows the descent of the large elongated fruit. The camera widens and we discover Pat is looking out a first floor window. Huh. Odd thing.

#3. Mia Togneri. Oooh, Dave says that’s fun to say as well, “Mia Togneri.” Perhaps she’ll go to SUNY Oneonta.” Mia lives in New Fairfield, Connecticut. Dave says he once had a summer place by a lake up in that area. Mia excitedly says, “Oh, Candlewood Lake?” Dave quickly says, “No.” Mia is disappointed. Hoo boy, that man makes me laugh.

Mia’s question: “What’s in your mug?” Dave says it’s water. Mia asks if she can have a sip. Dave invites the lovely woman to the desk to share in the beverage. Mia makes her way to the desk and quickly unscrews a bottle of aspirin. She chucks a couple tablets down her throat and washes it down with the water. She says to Dave, “I got a headache from all your bull-‘djoy’.” OUCH!

To lighten things up a bit, Dave shows off a photo of his 9 month old Harry. It was a cute weekend. Dave’s mom asks if she could watch Dave give Harry a bath. Then something odd happened later . . . . she wanted us to watch her take a bath.

Dave shows a photo of his holding a nekkid Harry fresh from his bath. Such a handsome boy is little Harry.

TOP TEN: Signs It’s Too Damn Hot
#2. It’s so hot, Courtney Love has an excuse for being disoriented and unintelligible.

It’s so hot, we decided to hook up the LATE SHOW hose. Dave takes aim and squirts the remote controlled hose positioned on a light post at the N/W corner of 53rd and Broadway.

PAMELA ANDERSON: Hmmm, something’s not quite right with the new guest chair. It seems a bit low. It’ll have to go back to the garage tonight for alterations.

The author of the brand new novel, Star. She wrote it herself? “Oh no” explains Pamela, “I have a ghost writer to do that.” Huh. Dave is confused. Pamela clarifies, “It’s my words and thoughts. The ghost writer types it out.” Dave asks if it was an ordeal to write a book, stating some authors find it grueling to put down even 500 words a day. Pamela says she was able to do 25-30 words a day. (Hmmm, sounds like she did the typing, too.)

Pamela says she will soon be doing another book. Dave warns, “You’re going to kill your ghost writer.”

Is there a special guy in Pamela’s life at the moment? Pamela laughs and says, “I wish.” A hoot can be heard from the audience. Dave looks out into the mass and says, “As if you got a shot.”

Dave presses on about any boyfriends in the picture. She says “I’m having sex . . . is that what you want to know?” Yet, it still sounds like there is no special man out there. Dave concludes, “So you’re having sex but not dating . . . that was always my goal.”

Pamela Anderson’s Star. Look for the naked Pamela on the cover, a big star covering her assets. Look on the under side of the cover and you will find the same photo, with much small stars. (Or you can look for the Wal-Mart version which is nothing more than a hot pink cover with no photo.)

AL FRANKEN: Just back from the Democratic Convention. He says New York City, parts of Jersey, and Washington DC are now in orange alert, the second most serious level of danger. At orange, the President urges all to continue shopping at the mall. At red alert, the highest level, he suggests you shop online.

What did Al Franken think of John Kerry’s opening salute and statement that he’s reporting for duty? Al liked it. Dave not so much. Reminded him a bit of a boy scout.

There is something Al doesn’t quite understand. “In high school I went to wrestling camp for a week and I remember all those who were there. Bush, he can’t remember anyone in the National Guard and no one can remember him.”

And how was the convention? It was great. The place was filled with people who like Al’s brand of humor and opinion. Time and time again he was asked to pose for pictures. What did he learn at the convention? No one knows how to work a digital camera. It was a lot of awkward smiling while the older couples tried to figure out what button to press and for how long. Hey, that sounds a lot like politics.

Al’s radio show on Air America, “The Al Franken Show” is doing great, especially here in New York. He’s beating out, trouncing in fact, The O’Reilly Factor radio show in the key demographics, and is inching up on Rush Limbaugh. He says his show is different from Rush’s show in that on the Al Franken Show, they try to be truthful. One claim made my Rush was “75% of those making minimum wage in this country are teenagers in their first job.” Al didn’t think that sounded right so he had his crack research staff look up the statistics. From the Bureau of Labor Statistics they found that 61.1% of those earning minimum wage were OVER 20 years old. Rush pulled that 75% being teenagers out of his butt. It went from his butt to his mouth to our ears.

Al’s book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them continues to do well and is now in softcover. On the underside of the hardcover cover you can find a scantily clad Al Franken with a star placed strategically over his most private of parts. I think I’ll stick with the soft cover. I think I’ll make that my summer read at the Jersey Shore next week.

ACT 5: It’s a slow motion replay of the thrilling watermelon drop from earlier in the show.

And that was our show for Monday August 2, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I actually watched some of the Michigan Indy 400 on Sunday. It’s just what I don’t need, another sport to glue me to the tube on the weekend. With a bit over 40 laps to go, most of the cars stopped in to refuel during a Yellow flag. The big question was whether the cars would have enough fuel to make it to the finish. Tony Kanaan’s team guessed wrong, “allowing” Buddy Rice to pass without fighting him off, expecting Buddy to run out of gas at the end. Didn’t happen. Now I’m new to the game, but if Kanaan wasn’t going to refuel then why would he allow Buddy to pass? Did he think by drafting in 2nd place behind the lead car he would save that much fuel and cost Buddy?

And here’s something I found interesting? Even though Buddy won the race and earned $100,000, Tony Kanaan earned $10,000 more. I’m guessing he got the extra money for starting in the post position and for leading for 183 laps. Still, first place deserves first place money.

Have you heard about these American Girl Dolls?

Oops. My two-hour Tuesday morning commute has left me no time to finish. More tomorrow.